The thing is, she knows how things work. Relationships she can understand. For the most part.
With Ben, it was a flash in the pan that left a lasting burn. In the heat of the moment it was something to be savored, beautiful and delicious and... rather unrealistic. It was love, but it was quick and without foundation. And when it ended she was crippled, alone with a slow crawl back to normalcy. Reeling. Recovering. Reticent.
With Jai, they would be as two children. Driving her home, charged awkward little moments before getting out. They'd have not-quite-innocent fun for a while. He'd say he understood why she was 'gunshy' and she'd try to believe him. But eventually something would get in the way. And she'd let it. Because when she tried so very hard to picture what she wanted in a man, she didn't see the son of Satan's little helper, nor the man who'd show up with that overly-cocky smirk when she looked in a good mood, nor the man who didn't seem to have an emotional response to offer when someone was in trouble.
But with Auggie, it would be... dangerous. Like wine. Wine always seemed to mess with her equilibrium, forcing her to forsake it despite how much she loved it's taste. Auggie'd be the same. She'd want him. She'd want him for good. And he... well... She had a feeling he held similar fantasies. But there was the downside. That inevitable, unbeatable downside. They could get in too deep. She'd let her guard down just once and they'd stumble upon something they couldn't escape. Nor wish to. And that would be it. How utterly terrifying.
The thing is, life's answers have always eluded him. He doesn't know the first thing about love. Girls, however, are another thing altogether.
Natasha had been love at first sight (something he can only say in jest now). She'd been enthralling, like a toxic flower. They'd been so similar in their distaste for the government, though his had been acquired through the bureaucracy itself while hers drove her to criminal acts. They'd bonded over their computer skills and philosophy and mutual attraction. Her voice could still send shivers down his spine. How he'd adored her. How it tore at him to give her up. But even now he could acknowledge that the agency had probably saved him. He'd have been lost in her and she would have kept him. It wouldn't have been fair.
Liza is an op. She is a thread of code waiting to be undone, busying his mind and hands. Everything about their relationship is calculated, on both ends. He is investigating her source while she hopes to gain another. The only thing about them that isn't cold is the sex. When they come together he can forget what it's like being the go to guy but never on the go. He can forget his various roles: sightless nerd, sightless employee, sightless best friend. He can be a man. He can be the smooth talker, always in control of a situation, never dependent on anyone. He can be Auggie Anderson, who he was born as and who he grew to be, but not who he became due to one misstep. And he'll be forever indebted to her for that.
Annie will be permanent. There is no doubting that. She would be a mural on his wall, merging into his space, a fixture that never loses it's marvel. He can imagine her smell infusing his clothes, his bed. He can hope to feel her smile against his skin every day. He can envision making love to Annie Walker and actually falling asleep in her arms without dreams of flame and sudden complete blackness. Though he knows these things will only come to pass if she lets them. There will be bumps and cracks in their relationship, as there already are. He knows she frowns upon what he's doing to Liza Hearn, just as he knows she is still enamored with (the idea of) Wilcox and Mercer. But he can tell that they have the potential for greatness together, and she senses this too. Will life endeavor to give him that much? Does he even deserve great things anymore? He hates questions he cannot answer. So he waits for the other shoe to fall. And take him with it.
If you feel let down by all the Jai/Annie and Ben/Annie in today's episode then shake your fist angrily at the sky. It does wonders for me.