My roam has taken more time than I expected. I had meandered hours and finally reached Julius`s clock tower.
It is a usual, cold and turbid autumn evening after a cool downpour. Mire and blood are imbibed my mantle… My hands tremulously place the current day`s quarry: four clocks. How much did I struggle for them… how many ferocity deeds did I accomplish? I don't even intend to mention… What is ferocity at all? Alice believes that this world is merciless, self-centered, rash and dishonest.
Alice…
`Ace… is that all? ` Julius is officiously scrutinizing the crumbling clocks.
`Yes…` I bend down my head droopingly.
`If you want to see her… she is in her room. ` Confidingly I let my expression lingers into the hollow remoteness and I head towards her room but in front of the door, I stand dumbfounded.
My attire is abject… obliviously reveals my ravish acts from some hours ago. My look like is a perfect reflection of my soul. If she can see me like this… I can`t get away without her peerless retort.
She would ensnare me with innocuous words…her crinite sentences would cling on my body and soul like suction cups. Tardily, she confuses my senses and thoughts, I heap up questions together, but nobody would grant me with answers.
I touch the wood with my fingertips, lean against the door with my forehead and wait. She must know about my presence because I perceive her pulse through the thin wooden door. Or… is it a deception? Do I hallucinate? Perhaps, my desires are veiled in reality`s clothes and I fancy her image: she is standing in the same position like me on the opposite side of the door. She wobbles… a hum and ha leaves her delicate lips… looking forward to the doorknob to be pushed down…
We could wait until perpetuity because none of us might break the diffident silence.
I turn mauve with fury and then green with envy… Julius could see her every day, because she lives in his house. But with me… she barely meets.
What is this poison in me?
I backtrack and slip away like a vortex.
I`m at the gate when Julius calls after me: `Ace, what`s amiss with you? ` His dull voice is carried by the wind and whistled his inept question into my ears. I don't even turn back, just mumble a telling remark:
`She must be sleeping. I didn't intend to be a nuisance… `
I gather impetus in my legs, like an unmanageable tornado. I long for a walk beneath the stars but I don't receive anything else besides the dreary, deep forest. My path joins the maze. I could feel something hidden in the shadows. Something in the darkness pulls me deeper….
The wind lurks in the shades, rests for a while and then with a renewed vigor it persecutes the dying forest. Treacherously, it chases the sun`s last livid rays. The wanton wind sweeps out the daydreamer stars from the blazing firmament. With the same whisk, it hides the credulous moon with silver clouds. It ambles between the woods as deceiving the trees with meek caresses; bewilders the branches with tinkling melodies… and ruthlessly deprives the flabby leaves.
I have the same rampant wind whirl in my mind causing by a tantalizing name…
Alice…
Alice…
I apprehend a shade, still following me…it`s still pulling me even deeper than before…it`s my own shadow…
I`m humble servant of madness, I just have cut the last string which binds me to mankind. I find something in insanity what ease my mind…
I should kill her… there is nothing else to do… I must kill her! I should have done it earlier. Just kneel down in front of my instincts, pull out my sword in a perfect moment when she is innocently muttering about something insignificant… Eclipse her mind with a blind kiss… then open her chest and palpate something what I don't have: her heart.
That stray heart, it`s just like a black widow. Alluringly, she beckons the men in her web and conquers them. That heart which beats unrestrainedly… If I step closer to her, it speeds up. If she is sleeping, it dances on a lento melody. When she is startled, her heart skips a beat. That heart…which melds together with its possessor…it reflects all of the tiny, fragile feelings…
And what about my heart…? Heart? Sorry… about my clock… It obeys only a monotonous music. It never accelerates. It never plays scarcely audible and slow notes.
Tic-tac… tic-tac… the same circular music sheet is played over and over. It`s not burning when I pull out my sword and incise the flesh of others. It`s not shaking when my sight is resting on rivers of blood. It doesn't feign happiness. Anger or jealousy cannot silence my clock. It doesn't feel any penance.
Then why do I sense that Alice`s name drenches my clock with luscious oil and with vitality, it imitates the previous melody? Ticky-tacky… ticky-tacky… it sounds more pleasant… or is it another figment?
Why do I have this desire? It`s just a deluded delirium in my dense mind… I yearn for her heartbeat. I wish I could cling both of my ears to her chest… I wish I could fall asleep on its lullaby, wake up for its trumpet. I open my drowsy eyes; meet with all of the minuscule hues in her orbs… Fondle her inert lips… boisterously discover all of the den rooms in her body… Pester her with kisses and with moping caresses… Holding her in my arms indulgently… embrace her flimsy body until she pleads for mercy…
Just murder her…there is no mercy! She is not able to tame me like the other night butterflies. She can`t catch me in her web…but the rhythm of her heart… so enticing…
No… Stop! That`s all eye-wash!
Lies!
I stagger… my legs are trembling in the deep moss. I hold my head in my hands… my thoughts are pushing me into abysmal darkness.
What is this desire again? Or is it devotion… jealousy? I long for the melody of her heart… I desire the silkiness of her skin… the purity of her lips… her blood is pouring down on her creamy chest…
No! No! Leave me alone! Please, ease my mind! Don't boast with your heart…you know I don't have such a thing… I`m not jealous of it…
What is this sensation?
Is it love?
What is love?
Perhaps it is the mingle of carnal desires with the closeness of our souls… maybe that`s why I hanker after her succulent voice… I`m aching for her to be my lantern in this somber autumn night… I would entice her… closer to me… declare my verdict and uproot her heart!
No! Don't unnerve me! I`m not this gullible! You are a witch and your spell doesn't have effect on me!
Liar!
Liar!
I lay down upon the celadon grass… The moss and the wind become my home… The ivy overgrows and I could never leave… I`ve lost my battle… My hand tightens around the hilt…waiting for the convenient second. I taste the bitter wine on my tongue when I comprehend tramps. It has started raining again… and I stand up…
A shade glides between the somber trees. She feasts her eyes on my ungodly figure. The hood serves as a veil, covers my irreproachable, murky bloodlust. My eyes are flying over flames then they are set ablaze.
But she is still relentless. Doesn't she feel the diabolical trap? Doesn't she have premonition? Run Alice! Run… until I don't change my mind! This is an imminent situation! Run!
Do I really want my prey escaping from my vision? A sneer mirrors in a glistening raindrop…
Let`s alleviate my instincts. If she is imbecile, that`s not my fault… With each step, she gets closer to the annihilation of her heart!
Her flickering silhouette disowns fear and clasp her both arms over my chest.
Luckily, I am showing my back to her. She is not able to see the raving monster in my eyes. My posture is stoic and I`m motionless.
Her heartbeats break the raindrops` dull notes. Her heart`s music soothes down the grudge of the sturdy blast of wind. I can hear a hum and haw leaving her limp lips…
I sense the pulse in her fingertips. It`s like a swarm of bees buzzing against my chest.
Some seconds later her respiration slows down with the croon of her heart…
`Ace…why didn't you say hi? I haven't seen you for days… `
Her voice is like a chime… it`s timbre is quivering…maybe she understands what is danger…what is dread…
`I thought that you are sleeping…`
I lie. I`m not honest with myself… I wish I could have entered her room, given a kiss on her cherry lips, made herself mine… felt her panting under my sinful body… I just wanted to sense the difference in her heart`s strings… what kind of melody she would have played on her harp during our liaison?
`You are shaking…you`ll catch a cold in this rain. And on the top of that, you`re lost. I could hardly find you in this nebulous forest. `
`Why do you care for me? `
`Please Ace, look into my eyes! `
Don`t be maudlin Alice… Your plangent voice doesn't influence me. You can`t stupefy me! But I`m unable to resist… I slowly turn around… her hands are struggling to nab a breeze but she fails.
I`m gazing the withering grass under my feet…my face is still concealed under my hood… She removes the damp clothing and reveals my watery skin. Gingerly, she caresses my cheek with her tender fingers. I feel a thousand violin strings run through my body… all of them are resonating by her touch.
Alice is standing on her tiptoes…what a perfect position… just an immediate motion and she is on the ground, under my body… so simple to indulge in plain desires…
And she lets me do whatever I want… she doesn't shove me away…she doesn't scream… she doesn't shed tears…but her heart betrays her latent fears…
I envelop her with my eyes… her hair is disheveled, her clothes are torn… the wind`s punished Alice with its whip, her cheeks are floating in light crimson hue. Her hands are hugging me by my neck and her eyes… are petrified on my ghoulish expression.
She is not flummoxed, just patiently waiting for me to finish my vigil on her face.
My emotions are pent up. But I`m not sure what to do next… Her dread of me is tangible by her heart`s new music sheet… it`s a very vigorous, prompt melody…
I grim her hair and dress with the mud on the ground… but I don't care much… I must kill her!
She is still staring at me… her expression is senseless… I can`t detect what`s in her mind… has she given up already? She knows what will happen… when I tighten my grip over the hilt…
I pull out my sword and point its tip over her chest.
She is still watching me with reverence… but neither a word…nor… a tear become embodied in the hurl of the wind…
What should I do? I should kill her, shouldn't I?
That was my desire… that was my only wish… to touch her heart… to see her blood…
She grabs for my trembling hands…Alice encompasses them with her delicate fingers.
What could I do? I could kill her… I can kill her… I can finish my torment right here and right now!
She sheepishly smiles…. And with slow footsteps, she climbs up with her fingers on my arms…until she can reach…
What might I do? I may kill her and end this childish game… I may destroy her web and exempt everyone from her magic spell…
My hands are still shaking… she is still caressing me… she is still grinning…
I feel dizzy… some moments ago I tasted victory but now… I`m just bemused by her sublime fragrance…
I succumb…
I throw away my sword… and lay down on her chest… what a melody! What a music! Her heartbeat is the only thing that I yearned for…
She roots my matted hair and heaves… with her breathe, her heart strings even faster than before…then calms down…
Finally, I`m able to meet her gaze and lose myself in her sky blue orbs… I just can`t help myself…. But surrender even more for her unknown domination and I lean closer to her face…
Her cinnamon scent lingers around and tickles my nose…
I touch the velvet skin on her lips… caress its shape around and then enjoy my voluptuous desire… first I thought she will not kiss me back, but without hesitation she embraces my tongue… It`s delectable… and I know she feels the same. Our kiss is full with passion and it becomes addiction… I relish her senses and I try to please her… but I should break the kiss for air…
I bombard her body with aimless tips… her harp is following an uneven rhythm…
I tilt my head for another hungry kiss and discover my own feelings… it was always love… love for her soul… love for her wise sentences… love for her attitude how she tried to teach me for good… I love her innocent smile… I love her scrumptious soul and mind… and I adore her tick-tack heart with all the melodies that it can play…
`Alice… do you think that it`s worth saving me? `
She keeps smiling and then nods… she closes my mouth with a deep, sweet kiss…
My clock joins her heart for a duet, maybe it has skipped a beat or two… ticky….tack…. tick…tack….
Now I understand… she has converted into my magic lantern… and I just need to light it whenever I`m lost in the obscure darkness…