I was sorting through the files on my computer (instead of working), and found this. I don't know if I like it as it's not how I normally write, or if it even makes sense, but I thought I'd upload it as a sort of sorry for leaving A Knight In Yellow Scrubs for so long...
So, this one is for everyone who has read and reviewed Yellow Scrubs, and also for my little sister who turned 17 on Sunday. She's never read any of my writing, and probably never will, but this is for her too :)
Hope it's not too terrible, and I will get back to KIYS as soon as I can :D
xXx
Words Cut Deeper
'As I drown in my regrets,
I can't take back the words I never said'
Lupe Fiasco and Skylar Grey
She'll never forgive you this time. You're such an idiot. A complete and utter arse and you know it.
You've messed up. Again. And this time you can't see a way out. You don't know how you'll ever make it up to her, not ever.
She hates you. You know she does. She hates you with every fibre of her being, and you know you'll never be able to speak to her again. She can't even stand to look at you, be in the same room as you. She probably doesn't even want to think about you any more.
You've messed up. Big time. With just six little words. And the nod of a head.
You hadn't meant for it to end this way. You hadn't meant to hurt her as badly as you did, but there's that small part of you that you've been trying to ignore, telling you that you did want to hurt slightly. Wanted her to feel the pain that you have been going through for years now. The pain that she just doesn't understand. It just got out of hand. That's all. You took it too far.
And now she's gone. Moved. Disappeared into the unknown and left you behind with no way of ever being able to find her.
You know she's moved to another pathology lab somewhere, she loves her work too much to ever give it up, but you have no idea where this place is. Whether it's even in the UK, or if she's moved back to South Africa. You just know that she's gone. Probably followed that idiotic boyfriend of hers, and with her being so bloody stubborn she'll refuse to ever move back if you're still around.
She knew that you didn't like her boyfriend. You never did like them, for as long as you can remember. You didn't care if they made her happy, or if they seemed like a nice guy, because none of them were good enough. They never would be, not for your Nikki. You just wish that you'd been around to get rid of this one. To stop him from getting so close to her. But there's nothing you can do now.
She told you over a text. A stupid bloody text. Didn't even pick up the phone, just send you eight words.
'Thought I'd let you know, we're getting married.'
And you were supposed to accept it, just like that. Accept that you were going to lose her to someone else forever. She was going to be his, not yours, and there would be absolutely no way of getting her back.
And now you doubt you'll even get invited to the wedding, wherever it is. Wherever she has run away to, to start a new life without you in it. Where you can't mess things up or upset her. But also where you can't see her smile, or give her a hug, or tell her how much you love her.
You really do love her. With all your heart. You always have done, even though she'd never believe you if you told her so. And that's what's making it so hard. That's what's killing you the most. Those six little words have ruined everything. Everything…
You had decided to visit her. To just stop by and let her know how you felt about the situation. To let her know that you didn't approve and that she could do better that Mr Pretentious. Mr Bloody Know It All. He's a doctor too, her boyfriend. Her fiancé. You suppose you should start calling him that now, as much as it annoys you to do so. As much as you hate it, and hate him. You don't even know him and you hate him. You don't want to get to know him.
But now she's going to take his name. She'll have nothing to do with you, not any more. She'll be his, and he'll be hers. She doesn't want you. She hasn't wanted you for a long time now.
She had smiled for a split second when she opened the door to find you standing there, before the mask fell again and she glared at you, probably not even aware that her smile had betrayed her. Given away a hint that she cared about you in some way. But you know you'll never see that smile again. Nothing will make her smile at you after what you said to her.
"What are you doing here?"
You hadn't known what to say to that. You wanted to reach out and pull her in to a tight hug, tell her how sorry you were for everything you had done over the years. Tell her you wanted to get to know her fiancé, wanted to be part of her life again. But the truth was, you didn't want to, not really. And so instead you had just shrugged.
You'd stared at each other, before she stepped aside and nodded her head for you to go in. Her apartment had changed dramatically since the last time you were in it. Cardboard boxes were piled up by the front door, the rooms much emptier than you had remembered. You'd paused, looking round the place, and she'd noticed.
"I'm moving out."
"You're moving in with him."
"Well we are getting married!"
Just the sound of the word 'married' had been enough for the anger to bubble in the pit of your stomach. Anger, and regret and something that you were too scared to try and distinguish. He was taking your Nikki. He was taking her.
"No you're not."
"Don't you dare!" she shouted at you, moving to stand in front of you and pointing a finger at your face. "Don't you dare walk in here and start telling me what I can and can't do. I am getting married, whether you like him or not. I am going to live with him, I am going to grow old with him. I'm going to have a family with him and have a cat and do what families do. I love him."
"You don't know what love is!" you remember shouting back at her, watching as her eyes darkened and her hair started to fall out of it's messy bun.
"And you do?"
She never understands. Never. But before you can say something back she's shouting at you again.
"I am a grown woman. I know exactly what I want, what I feel. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life, and that's never going to change. He makes me feel safe, and wanted. He knows my favourite films, and the best way to cheer me up after a long day at work. He knows what I like on my toast in the morning, and how I like my coffee. He knows when all I want is to stay in my pyjamas all day, and when I want to dress up and go out. He wants me, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. Whether I'm completely sober, or too drunk to stand. And he's there for me, whenever I need him. When I don't even realise myself that I do need him. I love him more than I can even explain, and I am going to marry him whether you like it or not."
She stops, staring you straight in the eyes and daring you to say something. Anything.
"I love you Nikki."
You do. You really do, and yet at the same time you know that there's no way you can make her feel as safe and wanted as she does when she's with him.
"Don't make me laugh."
You stare at her again, hoping that she can see the sincerity in your eyes.
"I really do."
"You've got a funny way of showing it."
You want to grab her by the shoulders and shout at her, make her see that you care about her more than she'd ever know, and yet every time you move closer to her she steps away slightly.
"What do you want me to say Niks? What is it you want from me?"
She stares at you as if perplexed by your question, opening her mouth and closing it again repeatedly, looking lost for words.
"I want you to be happy for me," she says finally. "I want you to tell me that you're happy I've found someone to share the rest of my life with. Someone I couldn't live without. That you'll be there for me every step of the way, even if we are moving away from London."
She stares at you again, and yet the words that you know she wants to hear don't make it to your lips, instead just swirl around in your mind, having no desire to be heard. You are happy that she's happy, and at the same time you hate the fact that it's him that's causing her happiness. And so you can't give her the words that she wants to hear, instead giving her:
"You're moving away from London."
She sighs, nodding her head slowly and sitting on the arm of the sofa.
"Yes, we are. Me and my fiancé," she emphasised the last word, her eyes never leaving yours as she speaks. "There's nothing to keep us here any more. We want a fresh start. Together."
She looks straight at you, as if giving you another chance to say the words she wants to hear. That you're happy for her. Even if you're anything but happy that she's moving. That he's taking her. That you've lost her before she's even gone.
"I love you," is the only thing that manages to escape.
"It's not enough."
You glare at her, the anger in you taking over everything else and you can't seem to stop it. It pulses through your veins like lava, making your hands tremble and causing your breathing to quicken.
"My love was enough for-"
"No!" she shouts at you, and in that instant you can see so much of yourself reflected back from her that it's almost frightening. "Don't. Don't bring her in to this."
"You know I loved her."
She laughs. A manic, wild laugh that seems to take her by surprise as she buries her head in her hands.
"And look what good that did."
The urge to grab hold of her becomes too strong, and before you know it you've pulled her hands away from her face and you're staring her right in the eyes.
And she just stars back, her expression completely blank. There's no fear or worry, but there's also no love or compassion. And you don't know what's worse.
"She would have wanted to be there."
"Stop it."
"You know she would want-"
She pulls away from you quickly, standing up and throwing her hands behind her head as she turns away from you.
"Why do you always do this to me?" she almost whispers, turning to face you again, her eyes brimming with tears.
"You can't get married Niks. She would have wanted to be there. She would have wanted-"
"Well guess what, she can't be there, can she?" she shouts at you, a pleading look in her eyes. "She's dead! She's dead and there's nothing anyone can do about it, so whatever I choose to do with my life has nothing to do with her, or with you!"
Six words. That's all it took to crack her.
"I wish you had died instead."
Her eyes widen as she stands frozen in front of you, her hands beginning to shake. You want to tell yourself that you would have taken the words back if you had the time, but that would be a lie. There was plenty of time to apologise, to tell her you didn't mean them, as you both stared at each other, daring the other to retaliate. But it's Nikki that eventually speaks first.
"You mean you wish you had never had me. You mean you think things would have worked out differently if it had just been you and her. You feel like you need to love me because I am the last thing you have that reminds you of her."
And a nod of the head to completely shatter her.
You hear her breath catch, and see the tears suddenly spring to her eyes. The tears that you know she had been holding back up until this point, and she steps away from you, her mouth slightly open.
Then he's there, his hair slightly wet from just getting out the shower, his shirt sticking to his still damp arms. And he's taking Nikki by the shoulders, turning her around to wrap her close to his chest, where she tucks her head in and begins to cry, clutching him tightly.
"Get out," he speaks clearly, defiantly, stroking Nikki's hair as he tries to sooth her, holding her close but never losing eye contact with you.
"Nikki, I-"
"Out!"
And with one final glance, you do, slamming the door shut behind you.
That's when you head to the nearest pub where you drown your sorrows and curse yourself for being so bloody stupid. Again you try to tell yourself that you would take back the words if you could, but you know deep down that you wouldn't. Sometimes you do wish you had never had her, because then you wouldn't have to worry about her. You wouldn't have to look at her and see so much of her mother. You wouldn't be reminded of everything you had lost and everything you had done wrong in your life when you had left them. You hate yourself for even thinking it, but it's the truth. You didn't deserve to have her. She deserved to belong to a family that supported her and looks out for her and does everything for her that you have never done. But the words that had come out your mouth were just another way of letting her down. Another way of destroying her. Even though it's the last thing you ever want to do to her. You love her.
You love her. And yet you can't help but think that you had loved her mother even more. But that's no excuse for those six words. The six words that had cut deeper than any weapon ever could.
But you've lost her to him. There's no way you can go back now, no way that you can see her again without her blanking you like you don't exist. Like she said, she has him now to keep her safe, make her feel loved. That should be enough for you, knowing that she is ok.
And still that selfish part of you wants to keep her all to yourself. Would rather see her single and heartbroken, because it would mean that she was still yours. Still had your name. But in three weeks time she'll no longer be your Nicola Alexander.
She'll forever be Nikki Cunningham.
And there's no way you can ever get her back. Not after what you have just said to her. She had forgiven you for leaving her and her mother with nothing, when you had let them down and forced them to fend for themselves. You let her down when she had needed you the most, when she was left alone in the world with just you as her family. And you let her down tonight, when you refused to be happy for her. Refused to willingly hand her over to her new life with Harry, even though you know he's the one person that can truly make her happy forever.
Why did you say it?
Why did the venomous words fly from your mouth so easily?
How could you push your only daughter away, tell her that you wished she had died rather than her mother, when you love her so much? She's the only family you have left.
You've messed up.
You're such an idiot.
She'll never forgive you this time.