"Down the Rabbit Hole"
Sydney sat curled up on the corner of her sofa, cradling a glass of chilled white wine. The lights were low except for a single reading lamp beside her. She turned the page of Alice in Wonderland and took a sip. Weiss's thoughtfulness had surprised her, although she wasn't sure why. There were so many things she had lost in what seemed to be a short amount of time. The true tragedy of it was that none of it had been her choice, or anyone's choice for that matter. She had simply and abruptly awakened to a world in which everything was gone. All of her things, all of her friends, and Vaughn. She had her father. She had Weiss. She had Marshall and Dixon, who was now her boss, which was weird. Everything else had been taken.
She had Sloane to thank for losing her home and her friends, but who could she blame for losing Vaughn? Why had she disappeared? Although she had initially blamed him for moving on, she now realized that he was right. Although it did not remove the feeling of betrayal, she couldn't blame him for moving on after her death, when she had moved on after Danny's death. How hypocritical must that have seemed to him? Her face twisted into a grimace as she remembered confronting him on the day he first came back to the office to see how she was doing. Her eyes were still glued to the page scanning rapidly and delivering the comfort that only a familiar habit can bring. But it was little comfort. It was only a few weeks ago they had been as close as they possibly could be, and she woke up to this. She closed the book in front of her, lovingly caressing it's edges. It did not feel like she had lost two years of her memory. It felt like learning that the man she loved was living a double life. She was still as in love with him as she had been yesterday. Except yesterday was two years ago. And he loved Lauren.
She noted the similarities between her own life and Alice's. Both of them had been thrown into a world that was foreign. They had to make their way through things they never would have anticipated, and none of it made any sense. She felt like a child again who was just trying to make her way through basics. But in one thing she was unlike Alice, and it was something she struggled desperately to change. She knew it was a weakness, but she could not best it. Alice stood and shouted at the queen that to have the sentence before the verdict was ridiculous. But what had Sydney done to Vaughn when she returned? And not only with him, but countless other times. She had told him exactly what he deserved for what he had done before she could even say what that was. She was wrong then, and she knew it. But how to apologize to him was more than a little difficult. It was a topic that was no longer discussed. It was the "elephant in the room" as Weiss had called it that no one would acknowledge aloud. Maybe if she were lucky, her sister would wake her up soon.