A Beta's Assurance
Author: Ladyhuntress36
Rating T (to be safe)
Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form, do I own Harry Potter. I also don't own the quote I use at the end of the story.
Summary: One Shot. Marauder's Era. When Remus Lupin awakes after his transformation to learn that he nearly killed Snape his world comes crumbling down around him. He is depressed, haunted and tries to pull away from his friends until a certain Marauder who refuses to be pushed away reminds him of the true meaning of friendship.
A/N: This is my first fan fiction that I am posting, although I have written sporadically for awhile. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the marauder's and their friendship which I have always seen as incredibly powerful (at least for the three faithful marauders) You see a lot of Sirius/James friendship stories but I have always thought that the bond between Remus and James was still incredibly strong. This also takes place at the towards the end of sixth year so while James always treated his friends well he also had matured a great deal by this point. If you feel like reviewing I'd be very grateful. I hope you enjoy.
A Beta's Assurance
"It's so strange. How can something that appears so pure and bright be so dangerous, so destructive?" Remus mused as he sat with one leg pulled up against his chest atop a large bolder overlooking the Great Lake. His eyes were fixed upon the half moon that was nestled in a bed of clouds peaking over the top of the Forbidden Forest.
The last few days had not been kind to him. His body was weary and his expression haggard. Together with his bloodshot eyes it gave the picture of one who was forgoing sleep as indeed Remus had been. Sleep was impossible, not when his once content, even happy world has come crashing down around him.
Remus screwed his eyes shut and tried to stem the flow of memories and thoughts that flew through his mind, a furious contrast to the dark stillness of the night he sat in. His efforts were in vain though as even with his eyes shut he still saw them, replayed behind his eyes like a slide show.
Blinking his eyes to clear them, and seeing the sterile white of the hospital wing. James and Peter sitting by his bed, their faces uncharacteristically somber.
James's voice saying, "Moony, something awful happened last night. Snape, he knows."
Shock.
Disbelief.
Confusion.
His own voice speaking up, questioning where Sirius was.
James moving to sit on the edge of the bed, gently explaining Sirius's prank.
The sharp and violent pain of betrayal.
The terror of what could have happened.
Remus shook his head to clear it and proceeded to shove the thoughts and memories to the back of his mind, a move he had practiced often since he had awoken from that transformation nearly two weeks prior.
"I almost killed one of my classmates, came seconds away from tearing a sentient being limb from limb." He thought, clenching his fists tightly.
Remus struggled again to clear his mind and fought back against the rising nausea that crept up his throat as he pictured the gruesome scene. It was the recurring image of that gruesome scene and the thoughts that accompanied it that had been haunting Remus since he awoke. The thoughts that had sent him spiraling down into a dark depression that allowed him little rest and no peace. It was also the driving force behind his recent actions.
Ever since that first meeting in the hospital wing he had been avoiding the other Marauder's. Sirius was a given, Remus had taken to fleeing the room whenever the dark haired boy entered, but he also studiously avoided James and Peter as well.
James had been trying to speak with him for weeks now, but Remus was always able to escape, to claim some excuse or simply remove himself from the situation. He wanted no part of the conversation that James clearly wanted to have. It was an obvious matter to Remus, the closeness that the Marauder's had grown so fond of had been perfectly fine before, but now his true nature had been revealed. He was dangerous, he had the potential to seriously injure, even kill someone and he couldn't, no, he wouldn't risk his friends like that.
"Moony!"
Hearing his name being called jarred Remus out of his thoughts. His head shot up and he turned around on his rock to see James jogging down the path to the lake.
Sighing, Remus jumped down off his rock and walked further away from the castle, putting more distance between himself and James.
"Moony, stop!"
Remus put his head in his hands; he was too tired to handle this right now, too tired to deal with James. He turned quickly and saw that James was still coming towards him, jogging a bit faster now but still far up the path. Part of Remus's mind screamed at him to stay, to just stop moving and let James catch up to him. To stop pulling away and listen to James, really listen to his friend, one of his best friends. He couldn't though. Even though he could admit that part of him longed to let James catch up to him he couldn't allow it. After everything that James had done for him, how could he risk his friend's safety by allowing him to continue to be close to a werewolf? James had included him, been there for him, and befriended him when so many others would have walked away. He couldn't risk James's safety, he couldn't, and so he ran.
Remus felt the wind on his face as he took to his heels, racing in the direction of the Forbidden Forest, yet having no conscious destination in mind. His only thought was to put distance between himself and James, to escape. He kept running as he passed the first trees of the forest, hearing only the sound of his feet hitting the ground. As he continued to move another sound reached his ears, the sound of hooves hitting the ground behind him. He barely had time to consider what hearing hooves would mean when the sound suddenly vanished and he was knocked to the ground.
His equilibrium thrown way out of whack Remus was dazed and he shut his eyes to stop the world's sudden spinning as he set about trying to right himself. He hadn't gotten far when he felt a weight settle on his legs and twin grips on his wrists that pinned his arms to the ground. He struggled furiously to free himself but weeks of little sleep and high stress had taken their toll. He did not have the energy to free himself and the energy he did have available was rapidly declining so he stilled his movements. Breathing heavily from the struggle he opened his eyes to find himself staring into the intense hazel-brown eyes of James Potter.
While his body might be tired Remus's mind was still sharp and took little time in telling him that there was no way James should have been able to catch him given the distance that laid between them when Remus had started to run.
"How?"
The question slipped out and almost as soon as it did Remus remembered something.
"Hooves, I heard hooves before I was knocked over." He thought.
"Four legs are better than two Moony. Being an animagus is really quite convenient. "James said, confirming Remus's train of thought.
Remus sighed and waited for James to let him up. When several moments had passed and he was still pinned down Remus questioned uncomfortably, "James, could you get off me?
"That depends," James said in a calm voice, as if pinning ones friend to the ground of the Forbidden Forest was simply a normal part of his day, "If I let you up are you going to go tearing off, I don't really feel like having to chase you down again."
Resolving himself for the conversation he had spent weeks trying to avoid, Remus nodded.
James shook his head.
"Not good enough Moony, You spend two weeks avoiding me like the plague and I need more assurance than a nod, I need a word to hold you by. Whatever else is going on in your head, I know I can hold you to your word if you give it."
"I'm not going anywhere James, I swear it, now can you please get off of me." Remus told him.
Sparing Remus one further glance James let go of his wrists and moved to sit on the ground beside him.
"I hope your happy now; I think my leg is bruised." Remus told him, annoyance coloring his voice, "You weigh a ton."
"I'm simply awash with remorse." James told him sarcastically, "Besides, if you had stopped when I called you none of this would have been necessary."
"None of this was necessary anyway; you stalked me down to the lake where I was enjoying some peaceful stargazing. If you wanted to talk so badly couldn't you have waited until morning." Remus said, coming up with a scenario that sounded true.
James snorted lightly, "Peaceful stargazing huh. Moony the word peaceful has not been able to be used in conjunction with you for about two weeks now. As for having this conversation in the morning, if I had waited until the morning you would have found some way to brush me off. I have been trying to talk to you for the last two weeks and you keep ignoring me or finding ways to give me the slip."
Remus moved his eyes away from his friend's face to the ground where he set about carefully observing the grass they were sitting on. He could feel James's eyes on him and after a few moments the silence began to unnerve him and he felt compelled to say something.
"The past few weeks have been busy is all, I haven't been ignoring you on purpose James. Things have just come up, and I'm busy studying for exams."
While it didn't explain his taking off this night, Remus felt that the answer he gave sounded plausible, if a bit hallow.
"You know Moony, for someone who lives with a huge secret everyday of his life you really suck at lying." James said, blowing Remus's plausibility idea out of the water.
"I suppose I do have an advantage though," James continued, talking over Remus's indignant spluttering and reassurances of telling the truth. "We are best friends, have lived in the same dorm for almost six years and have spent nearly every waking moment together since we started school. Face facts Moony, I know you. I know when something is wrong and I know when you are lying, especially when it is being done straight to my face."
His statement silenced Remus, who had no comeback or retort. How could he when every word James had spoken was truth. Remus's mind raced as he tried to think of something he could say to his friend but he was drawing a blank. The scrutiny was beginning to unnerve his calm and Remus feared what would happen and what he would say if that calm was lost.
After more time had passed in silence James sighed and said, "Are you going to tell me what's wrong Moony or do you want me to guess? I bet I could come pretty close."
Remus knew he was trapped. There was no way to escape or avoid the subject and James knew him too well to be able to lie his way out of this situation but he still couldn't bring himself to speak the truth so he clung ridiculously to an outright lie.
"There's nothing wrong."
James sighed again and if Remus had looked up he would have found a deep pain reflected in James's eyes, the kind of pain that comes from knowing that one has to do something that will cause someone they care about distress.
"Snape almost died that night. With you in werewolf form and out of your right mind you would have killed him, slowly and violently. You would have torn Snape to pieces and then had no memory of it. You would have awoken the next morning covered in blood and surrounded by whatever parts of him were left. You would have…"
"Stop!" Remus cried, his call echoing in the stillness around them as James gave voice to his darkest nightmares. His face which had grown paler and paler as James had spoke was now a stark white, and his body curled in on itself as tears blurred his eyes.
"I would have killed him without question, and not just him but anyone. Friend or foe I would kill anyone who saw me like that and I would enjoy doing it. Then me, the real, human me would wake up the next morning and remember nothing. I would just awake and see what had happened and …" Remus choked out.
James reached out to put a hand on Remus's shoulder but Remus shook it off and backed away from him.
"No! Don't you get it James, you can't be near me, I'm too dangerous. That's why I have been ignoring you, why I have been putting distance between us. It's not safe for you to be friends with me James." Remus said in a determined but still shaky voice.
James was still for a moment and then took a deliberate step towards Remus, reaching out and placing both hands on his friend's shoulders, ignoring Remus's struggle to shake him off.
"Listen to me Remus." James said sharply
Remus was startled for a moment both by the tone James used and by the use of his given name rather than his nickname, and he stilled
"Remus, you are a werewolf. You have been a werewolf since you were six. I have known you were a werewolf since the beginning of second year. I do not care."
" James, it's …" Remus said, but James cut him off.
"No, no but. No it's not safe. No nothing. I do not care. Yes as a human it would be dangerous for me to be around you at the full moon, but we took care of that remember. I am an animagus now, all the marauder's are and you aren't a danger to us in animal form. You are only dangerous to humans and even then only once a month. We have all the bases covered Remus."
"James, I could have killed him," Remus said, trying to get his friend to understand that he was too dangerous.
"But you didn't." James replied.
"Only because of you, because you went and risked your life to save Snape's." Remus said.
"Not just Snape's Remus," James said waiting until Remus looked up and their eyes were locked before he continued, "I went to save Snape because it was the right thing to do but I also went to save you Remus. I knew that if Snape found you and something happened to him I would lose one of my best friends. Regardless of the actions the Ministry or Dumbledore would have done , you would never have survived the guilt and you know it. "
Remus couldn't dispute the statement, as it was indeed true.
"Thank you James," Remus said, realizing that in all of the ignoring that he had done, he had never thanked James for his actions. He was too panicked the first time he was told to remember to say it. "You risked your life to keep my secret and my sanity. You saved my life, I should have said it before but, thanks."
James nodded and said, "I've got your back Remus, just like I always have and just like I always will. You're a Marauder, and one of my best friends. I'm not dealing with any more of this pulling away crap. I won't take it and I won't let you push me away. We are friend's Remus, best friends and this is what friend's do, they stick together and stick up for one another. They share their problems and deal with them knowing that no matter how bad it gets, someone else is always looking out for them. Do you understand me Moony?"
Remus was a bit taken aback by James's powerful and emotional words but almost more so by the look in his eyes. It was determination, pure unbridled determination. Remus knew at that point that he couldn't continue to push James away, the other boy wouldn't allow it and the more Remus tried the harder James would push back.
"I understand Prongs." Remus said at last.
"No more trying to be all isolated and pushing your friends away?" James asked.
"Like you'd let me." Remus said.
James rolled his eyes and said, "Moony."
Remus smiled, "No more pushing my friends away, I promise."
James also smiled and then his face sobered to something more serious as he said, "Well since you gave me your promise I will give you mine. I know what happened with Snape shook you up and I know this isn't the end of it, but just so you can ease your mind for the future, know this. I will always look out for you on the full moon; I'll make sure no one who could be harmed gets near you. We are best friends, Marauder's; almost like brothers and this is my promise to you Moony, my assurance."
Remus smiled and for the first time since he had awoken after his transformation the smile reached his eyes. "A beta's assurance huh, I guess I'll take it."
"What's a beta?" James asked, confused.
" Honestly Prongs, you hang around a werewolf for almost six years and you still don't have the wolf terminology down, how embarrassing." Remus teased.
"In a wolf pack the alpha is the head wolf, and his second in command is called a beta. They are usually brothers and it's the beta's job to help run the pack and take care of things if the alpha is unable to. I guess you could say the alpha looks after the pack and the beta looks after the alpha."
"How come you get to be the alpha?" James contested jokingly.
"Perks of being a werewolf." Remus responded promptly.
They both laughed and started to walk out of the forest, heading for the castle. They walked in silence but it wasn't the awkward silence that had been in the forest but the comfortable silence of friends who simply enjoyed each others company without the need for speech.
As they approached the castle James spoke up suddenly, "Well I don't know how many stags have ever been part of a wolf pack before but since this one is you have it Moony. I'll always be there for you, watching your back as a best friend should, like a beta should. You have it, a beta's assurance, now and always."
Remus smiled, and thought about how good it felt to smile. He felt different than he had before although nothing had really changed. The events still took place and he still had to deal with the fallout, but somehow he still felt different, stronger. Glancing quickly at James he knew he didn't have to handle everything alone anymore, his friend, his packmate was behind him . He turned his head up to look at the half moon that somehow didn't look as dangerous as it had before.
"I guess it's true what they say, the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is its pack."