Disclaimer: The characters are from Brokeback Mountain by Annie Prouloux. They are not mine.

Echo's of You

The piece of paper stared up at him mocking and taunting him, making him feel like he was slowly suffocating. He closed his eyes hoping that when he opened them it wouldn't say deceased and he'd see Jack's messy handwriting. When he opened them it was st.ill there and he felt like he was drowning in a black pool of nothingness. He does not remember how he made it to the phone booth, but he was there clutching that phone like it was his last link to Jack Twist.

"Hello…" He hesitated, the sound of Lureen Twist unnerved him, she did not sound like a grieving widow should. "Hello?"

"Uh hello, ma'am this is Ennis del Mar."

"Who? Who is this?"

"Ennis del Mar, Jack was a friend of mine."

"Right, Jack used to mention you, you was the fishing buddy or the hunting buddy. I was gonna call and tell you what happened, but Jack kept all his friend's addresses in his head."

"Well ma'am that's why I am calling, to see what happened."

"Oh right. He was pumping up a flat on a back road and the tire blew up, the rim slammed into his face and broke his nose and jaw. He was knocked unconscious on his back; he drowned in his own blood." Ennis gripped the phone tighter as images flew past his eyes, images of tire irons beating his Jack until there was no more left. "He was only 39 years old."

"Was he buried there?"

"He was cremated and half his ashes were left here, the other half sent to his parents up in Lightning Flatt. He used to say he wanted his ashes scattered up on Brokeback Mountain, said it was his favorite place. I didn't where that was, I figured it was near his home or knowing Jack it was an imaginary place where the bluebirds sing and there is a whiskey spring. He drank a lot."

"We was herding sheep one summer up on Brokeback." She didn't say anything for a long time; Ennis knew she was not stupid. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry, he was a good friend of mine."

"Get in touch with his parents." The cold tone was back. "I suppose they would want his wishes carried out, about the ashes I mean." And then her voice was gone, but Ennis still gripped the phone, closing his eyes as he leaned up against the phone booth wall. He felt like he was suffocating again and the first tears for Jack spilled down his cheeks as the sky opened up. Maybe God was crying too, for Jack and for Ennis, what a fool he was to miss his only chance at being happy.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

Being in Jack's room was an overwhelming experience and Ennis found it hard to remain composed when Jack's presence consumed him. He opened the window hoping to find air, but it only suffocated him more, standing at this window a place Jack probably stood many times himself. He swiped at his eyes and continued the scan of the small room, his eyes resting on some of Jack's old clothes. He touched the fabric, wishing there was an arm there to grab onto, wishing it was not empty and limp. His throat constricted and he knew he had to get out of there, but something stuffed in the very back of the closet caught his eye. It was a shirt he remembered all too well, stained with blood he knew was his own. Why had Jack never washed it? His hands reached out and grabbed the shirt feeling something inside of it. He pulled back Jack's shirt and he was met with a familiar site, the shirt he thought he left up on Brokeback. He felt his knees buckle and he could no longer hold in the river that threatened to escape him. He crushed the shirts to his chest, hoping maybe to connect himself to the only thing left of Jack Twist, the only left of them.

"Jesus Christ Jack." He mumbled into the soft fabric. "Why did you have to go?"

Ennis left Lightning Flatt feeling angry that Jack's daddy had to be a stubborn old man, the only thing leaving with him were the shirts that were stuffed safely inside a brown paper bag Jack's mamma had given him. He had been driving for awhile not even realizing where he was going, where he had ended up, the place that started it all. Jack once said Brokeback got them good, and Ennis knew it was true. Here up on familiar ground where they were young and innocent and not old and hardened by distance. If Ennis closed his eyes he could see them, see how it was, see Jack's sparkling blue eyes and easy smile. Ennis liked to remember him that way, that was the Jack he often saw in his dreams, that was the Jack he fell in love with.

Flashback

Ennis wasn't too sure of himself as he sat by the fire the night after it happened. Jack was already in the tent and Ennis found it very hard not to just walk in there and claim what should be his. Ennis was not one to act on impulse and going into that tent where Jack was waiting scared him shitless. Last night they were drunk and there was no intimacy shared but just the want of a much needed release. He knew if went in there something else would happen, something more intimate than he ever imagined would happen. Things would change between he and Jack Twist, they would become closer than any man ever should be with one another. He should just go back to the sheep and crush this thing before it escalated too far, but as he looked to the tent again he could see Jack's figure and he knew the sheep would be on their own tonight. He approached the tent with caution and knelt down placing his hat between his knees. Jack raised up, his blue eyes blazing as he reached out to touch Ennis's face. Ennis was reluctant as ever, but Jack's soft touch was calming and somehow he could see himself in Jack's eyes. Jack wasn't pushy though, but eased them into their first touch of lips. It was brief because Ennis pulled back a little, still not comfortable with touching another man like he was. Jack was comforting and placed his hands on Ennis's neck pulling him closer and whispering in a soft voice; "It's alight, it's alight." When their lips met again Ennis did not pull away, but fell into Jack finding home in his arms. It was different than the night before, there was no rush, no hurry and there were actual feelings there. Feelings that Ennis didn't how to describe, feelings he hoped would never go away.

End Flashback

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Ennis opened his eyes not surprised to find his vision blurred because of the tears that filled his eyes. Out of all the memories he had of Jack, he remembered that one the best. It was the night when everything changed and he left Brokeback wondering why he was still going to marry Alma and why it hurt so bad to watch Jack drive away. Now he had nothing left of the only person he ever loved but this mountain and two shirts that lie on his front seat. It was hard to be on this mountain alone because it held so much of what he use to be and what he use to have. He only wished he had one more chance, one more chance to tell Jack Twist that it was him; Jack was the everything he needed. It was his own damn fault he was up on this mountain alone, he had waited too long.

He fell asleep in the front seat of his truck, clutching the shirts close to him and dreaming of the very last time he saw Jack alive.

Flashback

They stood opposite of each other, eyes angry and blazing. This was not how Ennis wanted to leave not with these angry words said between them, but Ennis kept on going because angry was one thing he was good at.

"You been to Mexico Jack?"

"Hell yes, I been where's the fucking problem?"

"I got a say this to you one time, Jack and I ain't foolin. What I don't know, all them things I don't know could get you killed if I a come to know them."

"Try this one." Jack said as he crossed the distance. "And I'll say it just one time. Tell you what we could a had a good life together, a fuckin real good life. You wouldn't do it Ennis, so all we got now is Brokeback Mountain! Everything is built on that. It's all we got boy, fuckin all, so I hope you know that if you don't never know the rest. Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years measure the fuckin short leash you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needin something I don't hardly ever get. You have no fuckin idea how bad it gets, I'm not you, I can't make it on a couple high altitude fucks once or twice a year. You're too much for me Ennis, you son of a whoresonbitch, I wish I know how to quit you!"

"Then why don't you? It's because of you I'm like this, I'm messed up, I'm nothing, I'm nowhere." He collapsed to the ground and Jack moved toward him. "Get the fuck off of me!" But Jack did not waver and held onto Ennis for dear life. Ennis found it easy to let go in Jack's arms, the one place he felt safe. They stayed that way for quite sometime, neither wanting to let go because they knew it would be a long time before they saw each other again. Ennis was reminded of their days on Brokeback where nothing else mattered but them and Jack had leaned into his embrace. No words were said because they had known what the other felt just by the strength the embrace held. Ennis longed for those days, and as he drove away he could see Jack in the rearview mirror. He only wished then he would have known he would never see Jack's face again.

End flashback

Ennis awoke with a start, clutching the shirts and gasping. If only things went differently, if only he would have known Jack would be dead several months later, he would not be lying in his truck on this mountain clutching two old faded shirts. It engulfed him and swallowed him up whole, his body shook as he finally let himself breakdown. Jack's shirt was balled in his hand and he tried so hard to draw in his presence, that he was dreaming and he's wake up and it would be November and Jack would be there and Ennis would feel complete. There was nothing but the dark night and the stirring echo of loneliness and memories of the greatest love he had ever known.


It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Ennis kept the shirts in his closet, hung on a nail next to a post card of Brokeback Mountain. He made a point to look at it everyday to remind him that he still had a piece of Jack he could touch.

"Daddy." He shut the closet quickly as he turned to face his oldest daughter. Junior visited more often these days as her wedding day approached wanting to make sure he was coming.

"I didn't hear you come in Junior."

"You was staring into that closet something fierce."

"Just thinkin, what brings you by?"

"Just checkin on you daddy, I worry sometimes you're too alone out here."

"Don't worry none junior, I ain't bothered by it."

"Why you ain't never married again daddy? No woman catch yer fancy?"

"I guess I ain't the marrying kind."

"What ever happened to that friend of yours? The one you used to go fishin with?" Junior saw her father's face change and she knew she had hit something. "Wasn't his name Twist or something?"

"Jack." His voice was strained. "His name was Jack."

"Was?"

"He passed away a few months back."

"Oh daddy I'm sorry I brought it up, I knew he was a good friend of yours." Ennis could nod afraid to speak because it was just too much. Junior wasn't a dumb girl, she remembered all those times her mother cried when her daddy left on one of his trips. She could see how her father was now, living alone and holding onto the memory of a man she never really knew.

"He was." Junior reached out and held her father's aging hand.

"He's not gone you know daddy, he'll always be here." And she raised his hand to rest on his heart. Ennis closed his eyes as tears leaked through and couldn't believe how understanding his Junior was. They did not say anything for a long time, for nothing else really needed to be said.

That night Ennis took the shirts off the hook and held them to him as he slept. He dreamt of a distant place where two boys just shy of twenty found something in each other, something that no other person in their lives would ever touch. He awoke later, his eyes red and cheeks wet his hand gripping Jack's shirt, not wanting to ever let go.

"Jack I swear."

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
THE END

March 2006

Song Used: What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

Directs quotes are from Annie Proulux's story Brokeback Mountain