a/n: It's been a while again! Had this kicking about on my hard drive for a while and my muse decided it wanted to pick it back up again so here we go :-) ONESHOT.
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.
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What had happened to them?
That was the recurring question in his mind. Where had everything gone so wrong? Or more importantly, when? And why had he just let it happen? Why hadn't he fought tooth and nail to stop it? To stop them from ending up in this horrible place they were now, where everything was murky and unsure, where the conversations were no longer as light and fun, where their regular meet ups became a thing of the past and their non-work-related phone calls became non-existent.
When had it gotten so bad? So bad that he didn't know what he could say to her anymore or how she would react if he did.
He could not pinpoint one specific moment in their lives, instead it was more like a few that had come in quick succession and managed to slowly bring down what they had built up over the years to what it was now; more like casual acquaintances than friends.
First there was the argument.
He had never meant her to take his words that way, he had meant the opposite in fact – he would gladly cross a smoky bar to hit on her, if he had thought she would reciprocate - but he always did have trouble articulating his feelings, especially when there was the risk of ending up hurt.
Then there was Battle.
He had almost lost her and his world spun madly out of control. She had been shot by her 'date' and she clung desperately on to "everything happens for a reason". He had thought that they were that reason.
The "I love you"s came next.
He had meant it with every fibre of his being; he loved her, not as a sister, not as a friend but as so much more. She had reciprocated, his heart had soared.
However, then entered Kevin Lynch.
She was besotted with him and the fellow hacker had obviously loved her too. He could see why, he had those exact same feelings. His heart had prayed that it would be a passing fancy; a rebound lover to make her feel something after Battle's most horrible betrayal but it had lasted and lasted, so much longer than they all expected. And the longer it lasted the more his heart ached, the more he longed for someone, anyone, to make him feel wanted in that way again.
Then he was appointed as Acting Unit Chief.
It was something to take his mind of the relationship that was crushing his heart.
She had supported him, gave him his office to make things easier, his 'Penelope-drawer' to make him smile when the cases or the work was building up. It had made his day, his week, his month, his year. She cared. She really cared still; his heart had burgeoned with hope once again only to be swiftly and cruelly stomped on once again when she had started talking to him about her and Kevin and how well they were doing as a couple and how everything was progressing. He had never felt such a crushing blow as this before and he never thought he would again when she giggled happily telling him that she thought Lynch was going to propose soon.
He then called Tamara Barnes.
She was a victim, deeply hurt and somewhat messed up – a bit like him at this moment -and he had been warned away from her by none other than the woman he held so dear. It started as a way to prove her wrong; prove that he could be help someone else without being truly involved. And then she gave him her brother's cross, talked to him and thought of him as her hero. It wasn't the healthiest of relationships, he knew that, but she made him feel so wanted, so needed again. She helped him tamper down his true feelings for a while. It helped block the hurt out, if even only for a few hours at a time.
After starting up his little soirée into the one place he knew, deep down, she was right in warning him off of he had to be more careful with his words and actions. She knew there was something going on, that much was obvious; his Baby Girl could read him like a book. She had tried to ask him a few times but he had clammed up, leaving her out in the cold. The last thing he had ever meant, but it was happening. Their flirting was almost a non-event after a few weeks of his pretence that nothing was wrong or going on, combined with him acting as Unit Chief. Their conversations now seemed somewhat stilted and his heart was aching each and every time he didn't call her Baby Girl or hear a nickname in return.
They were stuck like this, and when he thought about it was almost like they had "broken-up" even though they weren't a couple. It was both a blessing and a curse: it saved his heart from continual prolonged heartbreak but it also deprived him of the one person in his life that knew him inside out and back to front, who could make him happy with just a smile, make him laugh with just a look and cause his heart to soar with only a few words. Put simply, he missed her.
It was as simple as that; he missed her and he hated where they were now. He was hurting regardless if he saw her or if he didn't and he knew that he could deal with the pain if he could take it with the good. He was going to claw his way out of this dark place they now found themselves in and slowly try and get things back to normal, whatever that was. First things first; he got rid of Tamara. She screamed, she cried, she insulted him, but it was all worth it. She was definitely not worth losing Garcia's friendship over; he had been a jerk and now he was going to fix it.
And then came Alaska; just after things had started to look up again.
They had talked on the plane; it was small talk sure but it was something. He was determined to use this time away from Kevin to open up to her again, to let her in and get back to a semblance of 'them'.
She called "dibs" on him; he couldn't help the massive smile that stretched across his face. She wanted his company; she had actually volunteered to have herself stuck with him when they managed to grab too few hours sleep. It shouldn't have made him as happy as it did.
Then she made his blood freeze in his veins: she ran towards the UNSUB and he had been jolted from his thoughts by her scream; his heart froze in his chest at that sound. Of one thing he was sure, he would never forget it. It had propelled him from the chair and towards where it had come from, not even caring that he could be running into danger, all that mattered in that moment was getting to her and keeping her safe.
He'd wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and never let her go when he found her but he couldn't, he had been the one appointed to ask her questions about what she had seen. He didn't want to but he knew he had to; it was part of the job. She had gotten angry at him, stormed away from him and he had felt his heart clench as he watched her retreating back as she ran from him. This time it was literal and it had killed him.
She had leapt straight back into the saddle the next day, ready and willing to help them catch the UNSUB. He was so proud of her then, of her strength, strength which right then he did not possess. He had told her so, just before they left, she had been standing alone and obviously upset by the water and he couldn't have left her standing there herself, not now, not then and not ever.
He said he would be there to protect her for the rest of her life, he had meant it. If he couldn't have her then there wasn't any woman that compared so he would always be there for her no matter what and no matter how much it was slowly shattering his heart.
He had thought there was a moment, one delicious moment when the air seemed to still and it was only them in the world, oh how he had wanted to lean forward that little bit further and capture her lips under his, but it passed when she turned her face away and he had to look to the sky to hide the sadness in his eyes.
And then she spoke the words that made his heart leap into his throat: I kinda love you, Derek Morgan. She hadn't said those words to him in so long and he almost couldn't take it. Pulling her to him in a hug to take whatever he could from her and to hide his eyes as he replied in kind: I kinda love you, too, Penelope Garcia. Except he didn't kind of love her, he just loved her. But right now he would take whatever he could get.
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