Disclaimer – If I owned Twilight I'd be out there on that little island sunbathing with Rob and Kristen. Not in my back garden sunbathing with my dog. But if you are still unsure of whether or not I own Twilight, the answer is (shockingly) no. Nor am I making any profit from this little story.

Full Summary – AU/AH Bella's life becomes all kinds of interesting when she wakes one morning to discover that she and her friends have drunkenly won a date on ebay. But not just any date; a date with the womanising, flirty and – above all – married colleague she despises. However, Bella's about to find out that appearances can be deceiving… And yes, folks, it's gonna be OOC :)

Trouble started when you told me that I looked real nice

Trouble started when you started breaking rules

But I'm a very smart girl I won't get burned twice

No I don't enjoy being anybody's fool

-Nothin' But Air, Larkin Poe(Really good little country band; check them out if you like that kinda thing :))

One Plus One

Chapter 1 – Happy Friday

Bella POV

"Hey sweet ass."

I would recognise that voice anywhere. That combination of rough and smooth, naughty and nice, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails. I sigh and unwillingly lift my gaze from the computer to the reddy-brown well-defined eyebrows of Dr Edward Cullen. Only because I can't afford to look into his actual eyes if I want to be able to concentrate on my work for the rest of the day. Which I do.

He winks at me, and I automatically look at his eyes. His beautiful deep green eyes. My concentration whoops in delight as it clocks out for the day. Damn it. I clear my throat. "My name is Miss Swan, or Bella, not sweet ass, and what do you want?" I ask, clipping my tone to show him my irritation.

He smirks, amused at my hostility. "I was told to come here to sign for something, Bella."

Oh yeah. "Oh. Yes. Um. I'll just grab that." My hands drift over my junk pile, my unimportant pile and my in-the-middle pile and I start searching through the important pile for the form in question.

"Are you a creative person, Bella?" Edw- I mean, Dr Cullen asks, that annoying amusement still in his tone.

"Why?" I ask without looking up. I congratulate myself internally about how annoyed with him I sound.

"I studied psychology. It's common for creativity and… uh… disorganisation to go together," he teases. "It's called anal expulsive." He pauses and then adds as an afterthought, "Bella."

I roll my eyes and mutter to myself, "Men. They'll come up with any excuse just to say the word anal." Not quietly enough apparently, because Dr Cullen laughs his loud and obnoxious laugh.

"Not why I asked but I'll ask more often now." He winks at me again as I turn back to him, clipping the form – which I have finally found amongst my many other things – to a clipboard and passing it to him.

"Thanks. Pen?"

"Sure." I look around for a pen, pushing paper and various bits and secretary-ish pieces aside in my search.

Edward chuckles under his breath but remains wisely silent.

I search for a good few minutes until I remember that I stuck my pen on top of my ear and reach up and retrieve it, handing it to him.

He sniffs the pen and raises an eyebrow. "Strawberry shampoo, Bella?"

I roll my eyes and don't respond because that has to simply be an accurate guess. You can't possibly smell the type of shampoo someone uses on a pen from the top of their ear. Can you? No.

He rests the clipboard on the desk and finally his expression becomes sombre. I watch as his eyes skim the form, his brows furrowing above them. He lifts the first sheet, scans the second and then signs where he's supposed to. He passes it back over the desk, and that annoying smirk is back on those totally kissable lips. He hasn't always been this irritatingly happy, in case you're wondering. He's always been cocky and flirty and annoying, but not always this happy. No, that started a few weeks back and has become more and more annoying with every day that passes. "Thank you, Bella," he says. That is beginning to get very, very annoying, despite how much the butterflies in my stomach like the way he says my name. He glances over my work station one last time and adds, "I'll leave you to tidy up. Not very professional for a receptionist to be so anal expulsive."

I open my mouth to respond and inform him that calling a receptionist 'sweet ass' is hardly the epitome of professionalism, but he beats me to it.

"Yes, that time I did just want to say anal." He winks and grins. "Ciao, Bella."

I glare at his retreating back until it disappears behind a swinging door. Then, because I can't help it, I reach for my pen and surreptitiously sniff it. Hmm. It does smell like strawberries. I shrug and put it back behind my ear. As I turn back to the screen of my computer, I catch sight of a face in the window of the door Edward just went through. His green eyes dance with laughter as he pulls a face that clearly says 'I told you so' and then waves merrily.

I glance around to check that there are no small children around and then stick my middle finger up at him. But he's already gone.

God, I do so despise Dr Edward Cullen.

#x#

When I check my phone on my lunch break, I have six missed calls. One from Rosalie, five from Alice. I also have one voicemail.

"Bella, it's me, Rose," says Rose. "Uh… just calling to see what time you want us to come round? Oh, and Alice said that you said we had to bring something but I'm not sure what kind of stuff you wanted. Booze, I guess? Just text me la… actually, don't worry, I'll call Ally. Catch you later!" And then she hangs up.

What? I feel my lips draw together to make a thin line. Alice. I dial her back and she answers instantly.

"Hey Bella!" she chirps.

"What have you said about a party?" I growl.

She lets out a resigned sigh. "Look, I know you said no party-"

"I demanded no party, actually."

"Whatever. I changed your mind. It was meant to be a surprise, but Rosalie sort of ruined that a little bit but never mind it'll be cool. I thought just us three and then you could invite that Angela girl from your work that you always say is really nice and we can just sit at your house and drink and eat and chat and listen to music and stuff. It'll be-"

"No, Alice!" I exclaim. "I said no damn party!"

"But Bella," she whinges, "that's not even a party. It's a small get together. It's just me and Rose coming round. It's just a Friday night, really. We won't even leave the house."

"You know I don't like to make a big deal of my birthday."

"I know, I know, but we do. Besides, when else are we supposed to give you your presents?"

"Hmm, I also distinctly remember saying no presents as well."

"Oh, Bella, everyone says that and no one listens. Look, we'll compromise. Me and Rose will come round at seven thirty with take out and lots of bubbly and we'll be gone by eleven. Deal?"

I contemplate it for a moment and then give in. "Fine," I say, even though we both know that they won't be gone by eleven if we all get drunk. Eleven the next morning, maybe. Actually not even then. It's a good thing it's Friday.

Alice squeals and I hold the phone away from my ear. "Yay! Thank you thank you thank you! It'll be great, I promise! We'll have fun!"

"Sure," I say begrudgingly. "Fun."

"Don't be so sour. It will be. I'll see you later, okay? Don't pretend to be asleep either; remember I have your spare spare key for when you lose your spare."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Okay, I'll let you go. See you later!" Her voice rises in intonation before she rings off.

I glance at the screen, muttering "Bye" as I chuck it back in my bag.

Someone nearby laughs and I look up and meet a pair of blue eyes. "Should I be wishing you many happy returns?" the deep voice of Emmett McCarty asks.

"No. Definitely not," I reply, but there's a small smile on my lips.

"Well, happy birthday. How old is it? Sixty-three again?" He nudges me with his elbow.

I roll my eyes but the small smile stretches across half of my face now. "Naughty. Come on, let's grab a bite."

"Or several," he adds, following me out of the staff room.

We stop by the scan-in machine to clock out. I scan my card through, clocking out and then stand aside to wait for him. As I wait, someone hits my ass. I whip around and, once again, meet the sparkling eyes of Dr Cullen. I glare at him properly this time.

He pays me no attention. "You getting lunch?" he asks Emmett.

"Yeah, me and Baby Bell here are going to Chuck E Cheese for her birthday."

This is news to me, but I feel my face heat as I turn my stink eye on Emmett now.

Edward looks at me, one eyebrow raised. "Ah, cool, can I join you?"

"Sure," says Em. Then he pauses and finally notices my glare. "If it's okay with Bella."

Of course it's not okay with me, and Emmett knows that. He knows how much Edward and I hate each other, how much he gets on my nerves and probably vice versa. But I can't very well say no now, can I? I shrug.

Edward is well aware that my shrug is really a no, but he grins that stupid grin and says, "Great. I'll just ditch these scrubs and grab my stuff from the staff room, okay?" And he runs off.

"Thanks a bunch," I say to Emmett when he's gone, my voice thick with sarcasm.

"You're welcome," he replies happily. "Couldn't have Edward missing your sixty-third, could we now?"

"I guess not," I say through my teeth. I probably look like I'm sucking a lemon.

Emmett laughs at me and calls me a moody bitch.

I don't respond.

Edward rejoins us a few minutes later, still grinning. He looks between us; I still look like I'm sucking a lemon, Emmett's still laughing at me. "Shall we?" he says after clocking out.

Five minutes later we're sat in Emmett's favourite haunt right across the street. There's a kids birthday party at the long table in the centre of the room and some of them are damn loud. Emmett pours over the menu even though we all know what he's gonna get; the same as he does every time, a large meat combo pizza with extra beef and pepperoni and a Pepsi. I don't even glance at the menu, knowing that I'll get the ham and cheese Ciabatta and an iced tea. Edward taps his fingers against the table and skim-reads the back of Emmett's menu.

When the waitress comes, she takes Emmett's order first – which is just what I predicted – and then mine and then turns to Edward. Instantly she's much more animated, her smile that much bigger. She tugs her top down and her oversized breasts become even more obvious than they already were. Edward doesn't seem to mind, winking at her before placing his order.

"I'll have a Pepsi as well, please, and two – no make that three lots of cinnamon sticks from the dessert menu."

We all look at him.

"There's another side to the menu, you know," I tell him like he's a petulant child.

"I know," he says simply.

The girl nods quickly, writing it down on her little pad. "Sure, no problem, sir. Is that everything for you?"

We all mumble yeses and hand her the menus. She smiles once more at Edward and walks off, making sure that her ass sways just right as she departs.

"Disgusting," I mutter.

"Jealous?" Edward asks cockily, winking at me once more.

"No."

"Sure, Bella." He winks again.

"Will you stop that?" I cry.

"What?"

"The damn winking thing! It's not funny, it's not clever, it's not… cool."

Edward looks over and catches Emmett's eye and they both laugh at me.

I shake my head and sigh at their antics.

During the time it takes for the food to come, Emmett and Edward amuse themselves colouring on the kids menu with crayons. I pretend to be checking my BlackBerry but I'm really watching them over the top. I know Emmett quite well; he took me under his wing the day I started at Washington General nearly three years ago and we've been good friends ever since, so I know him well enough to know that he'll drag me to Chuck E Cheese as often as I'll let him and to know that he draws on the kids menu every time and still gets the same enjoyment out of it as he probably did when he was a kid.

But it's a surprise to see that Edward's just as much of a big kid as Emmett. He only started at the hospital about a year ago so I don't know him all that well, but he's always seemed so… so charming. In his own way, of course. Too much so, maybe.

I remember the day he first started working at the hospital; every single female in the vicinity had seen him and was swooning over him. But nosey nurse Jessica Stanley quickly rooted around in his personal files and spread the gutting news that Dr Edward Cullen was, in fact, married. So I had sworn not to like him before I had even seen him. And then I saw him. And, yep, I liked him. I liked him a lot. The butterflies in my stomach liked him even more. My heart liked him even more than that.

But then he spoke and he was so arrogant that it was almost easy not to like him. But he still sent the butterflies whirling and my heart racing and, from then on, I had to keep a good supply of clean underwear nearby.

I didn't hate Edward Cullen because of that though. No, I wasn't immature enough to hate someone because I wanted them and couldn't have them. I hated him from the moment I caught him making out with none other than Jess Stanley in a cupboard. What kind of sleazy, nasty bastard does that? He was married, for crying out loud.

From the moment his eyes locked with mine in that cupboard, he stopped being just a colleague and became the man I loathed. To me, a girl who was cheated on by not just one partner, but two, he was nothing but scum. Disgusting, cheating scum.

We haven't spoken about that moment since, but I certainly haven't forgotten it and I doubt he has either.

Our food comes then and Emmett's eyes like up like a child at Christmas. Edward catches my eye and we both look away smiling. The waitress plonks my food down in front of me and delicately places Edward's cinnamon sticks before him. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"

"Uh, yeah, can I have some mayonnaise please?"

The waitress blinks, but says, "Sure," and rushes off to get the mayonnaise.

I raise an eyebrow. "Mayonnaise?"

He shrugs. "Sure."

"What. The hell?"

He laughs and then says slowly, "Yeah. A… a friend of mine made it up. It's pretty damn good."

After the waitress returns with the sauce, clucks around Edward for a bit and finally disappears, I watch as he dips a cinnamon stick into the mayonnaise and then in his mouth.

I hesitate, and then ask, "Can I try?"

Edward looks up, surprised, but then nods. "Only because it's your birthday and I didn't get you a present."

"I didn't want any presents anyway," I say, but take the plate as he pushes it toward me. I break a cinnamon stick in half, dipping it in the mayonnaise before sliding it between my lips. To my intense surprise, it is really, really good. So good that I moan. It was just that good. And, okay, maybe I couldn't help messing with Edward a little. "Yeah. That's pretty good," I say as I push it back.

Edward's eyes are a little wider than usual and he pauses slightly before smirking at me and taking his plate back. He shrugs. "What can I say? I'm a genius."

"Isn't your friend the genius?"

His smirk gets bigger. "Touché." The strangest thing is that, though he's smirking, his eyes are expressing something else that I can't quite pinpoint.

Suddenly I feel I'm being watched. I look over at Emmett and see him watching us, which is odd because he's usually stuffing his face right about now.

"What?" I ask.

He shakes his head and turns to his food. "Nothing, nothing."

Silence falls briefly around our table (not the whole restaurant, obviously; not with those damn shrieking kids in the middle) as we all dig in, but that silence is broken by a phone ringing a few moments later. Edward's eyes light up and his hand dives into his pocket, tugging an iPhone out and answering it with surprising fondness, "Hiya." Then he frowns slightly. "Oh. Right. Okay, what's up?" He pauses and his frown becomes more defined; almost a pout. "Hey, you can't… no, that's not…" Suddenly his frown turns angry. "That's not fair, Tanya! I…" He glances at us and sighs. "Hold on." Then he stands up, mutters, "Excuse me" and marches outside.

I raise my eyebrows, mildly amused by his outburst. "Ooh, lover's tiff," I say teasingly to Emmett, though one of my fists is clenched under the table. At this moment in time, I'm not sure whether it's from jealousy at the obvious love in Edward's eyes or, once again, hatred because I know what he's really like. Probably hatred. It's usually hatred. Yeah.

Emmett, though, seems slightly disheartened. "Yeah," he mumbles. "Or something."

When Edward rejoins us ten minutes later, he isn't smiling anymore. He isn't even smirking. For the small amount of the lunch hour remaining, he sits and fumes silently. Emmett jokes around with both of us, but it's half-hearted. When we leave Chuck E. Cheese, Edward's plate is practically untouched, and I feel slightly down. Edward is very miserable. Maybe I judged him wrongly.

No. I didn't. Cheating is cheating, no matter what.

I sigh internally as we cross the road and head back to the hospital.

Happy birthday to me.

#x#

I only see Edward once more that day, and he looks rough. He appears at my station, requesting details for a patient of his and he doesn't smirk or wink once. He runs his fingers through his hair agitatedly and doesn't crack any sarcastic jokes about my disorganisation, or say ass or anal. I think it's a new record for him.

He reads over the sheets, copies some stuff down onto a clipboard he's already carrying and then passes it back over to me with a genuine polite smile. I think I am going to pass out from shock. Then he turns and walks away. But he stops. And turns back. "Oh, I forgot to say earlier. Happy birthday. Have a good evening." And he goes again.

I manage to get myself together in time to say, "Thanks. Uh… happy Friday," before he leaves.

He pauses by the door, looks over his shoulder at me and smiles and shakes his head before properly leaving. It's not until he's gone that I realise what I said. I bash my head against the desk. "Happy Friday," I mutter to myself. "What an idiot."

#x#

When I get in, I observe the mess that is my apartment, internally debate about cleaning and/or tidying before Rose and Alice come round and then decide against it; they know I'm messy, no reason to clear up especially for them.

So I slob on the sofa and watch crap TV for a while. When it gets to seven in the evening, I reconsider my earlier decision and spend the next twenty minutes dashing around my apartment like a headless chicken desperately trying to tidy all my shit away and failing kind of miserably. When the doorbell rings, I throw everything into a drawer and make a mental note to return to it later and sort it out. Even though I know I never will.

Alice opens the door before I can get to it. "Bella!" she exclaims in excitement, a smile all over her small, defined features as she dances in, Rose hot on her heels. I'm unsurprised to see that both of them are in dresses, albeit casual ones, and I'm even less surprised when Alice gives my jeans and top combo a look of disdain.

Alice goes straight to the stereo system and plugs in her iPod, scrolling through it to find some suitable – or, more likely, unsuitable – music while Rose moves across the living room and goes around my breakfast bar to get into my tiny kitchen. She puts all of the bags she's brought with her on the breakfast bar, pulls a compact mirror out of her handbag, tosses her long golden hair over her shoulder, checks her reflection – perfect, as usual – and then comes over to me and gives me a hug. "Happy birthday, Bella!"

"Thanks," I mutter, feeling my cheeks heat.

"Forty-nine again, huh?" She winks, reminding me of Edward. And not in a good way.

I roll my eyes and push Edward to the back of my mind. "You so need to meet Emmett."

Rosalie rolls hers back. "If you threw a normal party like a normal person, then maybe I would be meeting him now, but no."

"People usually stop using a party as an excuse to get drunk and have sex by their twenty-second, not their twenty-fifth."

"Speak for yourself," Rose responds as the introduction to a song I vaguely recognise begins to play on the speakers.

Alice comes over and does the old hug-and-happy-birthday routine as well and then reaches into a bag and brings out a bottle of champagne and a corkscrew.

I shake my head but retrieve three glasses from the cupboard all the same.

A few hours later we're all suitably drunk. We're lounging on my sofa and my entire apartment is disgracefully messy again. The takeaway packages lie all over the place; we've lost the glasses and have progressed to drinking from the bottle and passing it along the line. Rose has also broken a nail and Alice swears she lost an entire slice of naan down the back of my sofa but that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay, it's freaking hilarious.

We're in the midst of laughing about the lost naan when I decide to blurt out, "I wents to Chuck E Cheese today with… um… whassit… ah! Edward. Tha's the one." I nod, satisfied with my slur.

Rose, who is taking a swig from the bottle, leans forward, pressing her hand against Alice's shoulder and howling with laughter. Champagne dribbles from between her lips as she laughs. "Chuck E Cheese?" she splutters eventually.

Alice, however, isn't so past her capacity for absorbing details. "With Edward? Ishn't that that… that… that… um… the married one?"

"Yup."

"Who you hate?"

"Yup." I grin, and giggle.

"And you let him take you to Chuck E Cheese."

"No, no, no! Me and Emmett went to Chuck E Cheese and then Edward was like 'oh I'm coming, too' and he did and he ate cinnamon and mayonnaise. Thanks," I say as Rose passes me the bottle. I put it to my lips and take a big drink.

Alice laughs. "Mayonnaise?"

"Mmm," I say, wiping my mouth and passing her the bottle. "It was quite good. What?"

Rose is eyeing me suspiciously. She points her index finger in my face. "You like thish guy, Belly-Bella."

"I do not. He's a skankard." I giggle. "A skankard. I mean a bastard. A skanky one."

"You do so. You always talk about him and you say you hate him but you are so hot for him."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

I sigh. "Maybe just a teeny tiny wee iddy bitty bit." I show her the tiniest gap between my thumb and forefinger. "But only because he's smokin'."

"So just have sex with him. Don't get emotionally involved. It's not hard," Rose says.

Alice snickers. "It should be."

Rose and Alice laugh until they cry.

"Oh har har," I say. "He's married. Married. I'm not doing that."

"Married, schmarried. You, my dear, need to get some," says Alice.

"Desperately," adds Rose.

Suddenly, Alice snaps her fingers. "Get your laptop."

"No, no, no. I will not let you sign me up for a dating site again. Remember Laurent? Remember? His blood sucking fetish? No, Alice. No."

She reluctantly pulls a face; none of us like to be reminded of how that particular date turned out. But then she shakes her head. "No, nothing like that. I've got a better idea."

I shake my head and get up. On my way back from the bedroom, my laptop under my arm, I grab the bottle of vodka off the side and three shot glasses.

The last thing I remember is throwing a shot down my throat in synch with the girls, and then Alice firing up my laptop.

And then, when I wake the next morning and see the computer screen, that's when everything in my life starts to go a little bit wrong.

#x#x#x#x#x#x#x#x#x#x#x#

IMPORTANT: This is quite likely to go up to an M rating in the future but don't worry because if there's anything minors shouldn't be reading I'll be sure to give you a warning and let you know what bits to miss :)

*For those of you who despise long A/Ns please feel free to stop reading here… but I would love to hear what you thought of the story? Thank you ;)

So… um… hi. I've been absent a little while and am finding it very hard to continue with stories I've already started but these plot bunnies came into my head and multiplied like… well, like rabbits and I decided what better way to get back into the fanfic mindset than to write a new one, no? No? Oh. Well… I'm trying it anyway :P Probably not the best idea I've ever had considering how much I'm working and the exams I have coming up but OH WELL. I can try. It is because of this that I will make no promises as to frequent updates but I'll try my damndest to get one chapter out per fortnight or something :)

Ahem. God, I never thought it would feel weird to write an A/N but I haven't done one in so long that it actually is. So I won't waffle on today. If anyone's reading at all :/ I'm well aware that you're probably all scared to read in case I fall to pieces again and can't update but, you know, I'll see what happens and you can join me if you want. Bring drinks and we'll make a party out of it.

Now, as for the story, I just want to write an uplifting little story with funny moments with a snarky Bella and a doctor Edward who hate each other and so this is it. There will probably be a little drama in places and numerous twists just because I'm writing it but hopefully it'll be a fun ride all the same :) And, before any of you panic about Edward and Tanya and their marriage, there's a story there (as there always is) and that will be revealed in either chapter 2 or chapter 3 when we peek in Dr Eddie's head. It's not too hard to guess but if anyone guesses in a review I'll um… give you a virtual chocolate chip muffin? Or a cookie :)

One more thing, I AM going to try to reply to reviews again. I tried before and fell apart because I hate sending a copied and pasted message to every reviewer because it's like "well, what's the point at all?" and I tend to get carried away so writing individual replies takes me forever. But I'll try again and we'll see :)

Phew. Okay, that is all :) Please leave me a lovely little review because I have missed them so. Bring drinks and I'll supply the muffins and/or cookies and we'll have a little party in the review page, yeah? ;)

Thank you all :)

Love, as usual, Steph

(I really need to stop these ridiculous A/Ns… it's so unprofessional :/)