Professor Layton and the Alcoholism Bedtime Story Game
"Gather round, children," Layton said, leaning back against his overstuffed armchair. "Would you like to hear a bedtime story?"
"Professor!" said Flora in a very Luke-like voice. "Professor Laaaayton!"
"Shut up, Flora!" Layton said.
"B-b-b-b-but professor!" Flora protested. "Are we going to hear a bedtime story?"
"I love bedtime stories!" said Luke. "Is it a bedtime story about BASEBALL?"
"No," said the professor. "It is a story about a very serious topic."
"But I want to hear a story about baaaasseeeeballl!" Luke exclaimed annoyingly.
"No. Stop that!" Layton kicked at Flora with his booted foot. "Stop that, I say!"
"Ahhh!" said Flora painfulizingly.
"Professor! Stop kicking Flora!" Luke shouted.
"I'm not Flora!" said Flora.
"Professor! Stop kicking…girl Anton!" Luke corrected because Flora was cosplaying.
"You're Flora because you're wearing a skirt," Layton said seriously.
"You're a skirt!" Flora snapped girlishly.
"Why, thank you," the professor said with a knowing nod.
"Are—are we going to hear a bedtime story, professor?" Luke asked questioningly.
"Yes…this bedtime story is called 'Miles Edgeworth and the Case of the Alcoholism'," the professor said, holding up a game guide to an investigation game.
"Exciting!" Luke screeched.
"It sounds scary!" Flora sobbed.
"Once upon a time," the professor continued, ignoring Flora, "there was a man named Miles Edgeworth. Remember that. It's important. Anyway, he was a public flasher."
"What's a flasher?" Luke inquired inquiringly, his tiny child hand shooting into the air.
"You'll find out once you're older," said the professor.
"Can-can I do it too?" Luke shrieked.
"Yes, Luke," the professor said with a nod and a smile. "See how that goes."
"Okay!" Luke promised.
"Upon his recent return to his home country of Flashingdom—" Layton began, adjusting his sexy British top hat.
"IS THERE BASEBALL?" Luke luked.
"—he found an alcoholic in his office," Layton ignored. "The scene of a crime? Hm. Now it was time to investigate the truths of alcoholism." The professor paused for an unusual length of time. Finally, he continued, "Alcohol is consumed when you use the touch screen of a Nintendo DS—"
"What's a DS, professor?" Luke gasped.
"What's Nintendo?" Flora shrieked.
"What's Nintendo?"
"What's a DS?"
What's a game?"
"What's a Nintendo?"
"What's electronics?"
"Shut up, Luke, you know what the hell electronics are!" Layton said Canadianly. "I mean, I have a British accent when I yell."
"Can I eat it?" Flora asked swiftly, caressing the DS in her tiny t-rex arms.
"Yes," Layton replied simply.
There was a looonggg, drawn out pause.
"Is it tasty, Flora?" Luke questioned inquiringly questionably.
"Wait, wait—" the professor began.
"Can I have some, too?" Luke asked sexily with his boy mouth.
"This one tastes better." Layton grabbed his DS from the tiny paws of the tiny apple girl and replaced it with Luke's DS.
"I don't like silver!" Flora protested protestily. "I don't like it in my food."
"So eat the little red part," Layton snapped. "Now!" The professor cleared his throat. "Ahem. There are different stages of alcoholism…"
Flora reached up and began sensuously rubbing the DS against his arm.
"Such as the pr—" Layton tried to say. "The chapter one follows the chapter two."
"You touch my hand for stupid reasons, professor!" Luke said relevantly.
"Yes, I do, Luke," Layton said with a nod and a sexy British smile as Flora continued to molest him with parts of the gameboy.
"I'M DRINKING ALCOHOL!" Flora shouted as she began to play the game, wildly tapping the stylus against the screen.
"I'm not kidding, that's how you drink alcohol!" Layton growled.
"Is it tasty, Flora?" Luke inquired questioningly inquisitively.
"Oh, it's beautiful!" Flora shrieked happily.
"You have an investigation when you have a confrontation with friends and family about how much booze you're drinking," Layton instructed.
"What's an investigation?" Luke shouted. "Is it—is it—"
"Your mother." Layton tipped his hat.
"Is it—does it start with the letter 'I', professor?"
"Then you move along," Layton said. "On your spindly legs, because you don't love me—"
"How many letters does Investigation have? I-N-G-V-E-S—"
"Shut up, Luke! You're ruining the bedtime story!"
Flora began shrieking Lukeishly.
"Shut up!" the professor exclaimed, tossing things at Luke.
"Aa-ha! Aaa-haah!" Luke shrieked girlishly as things bounced off his skull.
"I will find better projectiles for next time!" Layton threatened.
"This is why—this is why we can't have nice things, professor!" Luke shouted.
"Shut up, Luke!"
"Niiiceee thingsss, we don't have them, professor!" Luke screeched.
"Have some alcohol, Luke!" Flora offered happily.
"Okay—AHHH!" Luke shrieked.
"Now, when you have—stop touching me, Flora," Layton said.
"I'm touching you! I want to touch you!" Flora said, rubbing her tiny raptor hands over his shoulder.
"No! Stop that! Stop touching me!" Layton snapped.
"I want to touch you, professor!" Luke exclaimed. "I want to touch you with my hands, professor!"
"Why do you need to touch me when you have my firm banana there?" Layton asked inquisitively. Luke immediately peeled the banana and started enjoying its potassium-enriched goodness.
"No! Your fluff!" Flora exclaimed as Layton kicked her away. She grabbed on to his foot, pawing at his leg. "Your fluff! Your fluff! I have to get your fluff! I have to get it, professor! Your fluff!"
"No! No! Stop that! Stop touching me with your body!" Layton gurgled. "Stop touching me! Stop!"
"Fluff! Your fluff! I need it! Professor!" Flora clawed at him.
"Professor! I want to touch you, too, professor!" Luke shrieked.
"No! No!" Professor kicked Flora on the ground from his chair. She toppled over, spindly arms snapping under the pressure. "Now look, you've ruined the bedtime store!"
"You killed Flora, professor! You killed her dead! She was my friend professor!" Luke shouted.
"I'll kill you, too!" Layton lunged, grabbing Luke by the collar and shaking him like a fish.
"Ahh, professor, stop that! It's dark, professor! It's dark! I'm afraid of the dark, professor!" Luke shouted. "Ah! I'm afraid!"
Layton suddenly began to chuckle Britishly. Luke burst into laughter, rolling about the floor as Flora giggled from behind the chair.
"Stop, stop!" Barton stopped rolling the film. "You shouldn't be laughing!"
"Sorry, Mr. Policeman," Luke said, standing up and brushing himself off. "It was just so silly, I couldn't handle it."
"Indeed, it was quite hard to act out with a straight face." Layton adjusted his top hat accordingly. "I nearly laughed several times."
"What's a DS?" Flora asked, rising. Everyone laughed.
Silence.
"No, seriously—what's a DS?"