The Great Myth of Forks
Once upon a time, there was a small rainy kingdom called Forks, ruled by the evil supreme dictator Charlie. Charlie had a daughter named Bella who was surprisingly quite average-looking despite the multitude of godlike features that made the fabulous mug of Charlie. Although many young men vied for Bella's hand in marriage, she made several lousy excuses ("I'm saving myself for a sparkle sparkly man that likes to watch me sleep.") and therefore remained single.
There was one man in the world that was all of those things… and more. His name… was Edward.
Edward lusted after and stalked that oh-so-average Bella. Then one day everything changed. Bella was walking in the woods at night like she did every night because she is dumb like that and does not believe in rapists. Little did she know, Edward, her perfect, sparkly man, was following her on horseback. He obviously caught up to her and, with triumphant yell, pulled the startled idiot up behind him on the horse and galloped off to a midnight-lit meadow where they committed the nasty.
This sexual act resulted in some of Edward's freaky, sparkly sperm being spilled on a nearby rock. Now, Edward's sperm was so sparkly and majestic and powerful and just plain effing-awesomethat it got that lucky rock preggers.
Edward and Bella continued their tumultuous affair and meanwhile the rock gave birth to a super smexy fully-grown, teenaged boy named Jacob. Still, Jacob was wild and committed violent acts such as kicking kittens, poisoning orphans, and blowing up puppies. Well, not that last bit; Jacob actually liked puppies and dogs in general. Wonder why…?
Anyhoo, one omnipotent, awesome, and downright SEXYhuntsman named Emmett watched Jacob, but not in that creepy, perverted way you are thinking of, and decided he wanted a good laugh. So he hyped Jacob on a sugar rush and somehow made Twizzlerz grow from Jacob's … uhh… naughty bits, which were somewhat hanging out because he wore a "manly" skirt (AKA a kilt) because he did not believe pants. Or underwear for that matter.
Emmett laughed helplessly as Jacob ran around- as clumsy as ever- and managed to rip his… erm… naughty bits by tripping on the Twizzlerz.
The resulting blood caused a tree which no one had ever seen before to grow, from which sprung forth multicolored Skittles (except for the yellow ones, because no one likes those). A maiden named Alice came across the tree and ate several handfuls of the rainbow Skittles, which were more delicious than any other Skittles she had ever tasted before. Alice, subsequently, became preggers and gave birth to an incredibly whiny blonde child who, like Jacob, was born into adolescence. His name was Mike Newton.
Princess Bella watched over this Mike-Newton-character and Jacob protected him, to an extent. So, they all carried on for a while like that, until supreme dictator Charlie decided that Bella should marry Mike even if she did not want to, which she did not, since she was living in sin with her sparkly, super succulent, manly man, Edward. However, the wedding went on as proceeded; until Jacob decided to crash the reception because he was pissed off that he wasn't invited. With Emmett's help, the two gave everyone sugar rushes and the party reached fervor to a point that Edward cut off his own naughty bits much to Bella's disappointment. Mike Newton, having seen what Edward had done, decided that it might be fun and so did the same. All the other men (except for awesome Emmett) laughed and cheered and followed their example, including supreme dictator Charlie, thus leaving all the women to either go to Emmett or Jacob's awkward Skittle tree if they wanted to reproduce, which was fine with Emmett and the Skittle tree.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Fin.
AN: Yeah believe it or not but we were actually conscious when we wrote this.