Disclaimer: Teen Titans © DC comics. smooch
"Come to me, the only broken-hearted loser you'll ever need." – Brand New (a band)
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Quiet room and furtive looks, comfortable silence and ease for once in a long time. The pen was so permanent she could feel her bones respond to its writing, as if they knew the ink would permeate history even longer than them. She hadn't been alone and happy for as far as memory took her. Since the defeat of Trigon, a loose ease was growing, only subtly, but enough to allow her to feel okay without meditation. The new situation was hard to get used to, and her mind almost hurt with the vacuous hold he left. She was no longer constantly fighting. It was relieving, but also unfamiliar and terrifying. She didn't know how to be at peace. It was so…foreign.
A sigh filled her lungs and the urge to write escaped her. Lethargy overwhelmed young limbs, collapsing and allowing the bed to cushion the drop. Reality sifted away for a moment, and the sounds of a still room graced her taut ears.
Knock, knock. Mmmm, but she was comfortable. Just a few minutes, just wait a bit…
The door slid open of its own accord, and Raven's annoyance with the obtrusive presence matched her relief at not having to let it in.
She grunted from under her lassitude. Make this quick, she meant.
"Just wanted to um …see how you were doing. I mean…how do you feel? Is anything…different?"
There was a long pause.
"Why? What do you want?"
She felt his apprehension immediately and quickly pushed it away. Her empathy had become natural and constant without her father's barriers. The women on Azarath had always said she was a prodigy, how peaceful she would be if it weren't for her ancestor. She answered out of commiseration.
"Well, I was asking about you, how it…feels to feel. Is it good? Do you hate it?"
"It's not like I'm unhappy – this is what I've wanted for my entire life. With Trigon gone, I can understand the team a lot better, although I might not be as effective against criminals. It really diminishes my power…but still I can heal and use my soul-self, so it's not like everything's gone." She didn't want to tell him about the empathy. She was dodging everything he asked.
Her heart fluttered a little – Worry, Anxiety. It was funny how her thoughts were so naturally guided by these emotions now. Pushing them down, she reminded herself Beast Boy wasn't pushy or perceptive. He wouldn't notice her casual avoidance.
He took a moment answer. She watched with a blank face as his eyes narrowed – he was thinking - and his head turned. Slowly. Side to side.
"That's not what I asked."
Embarrassment. And the others came floating back with it. Worry, Anxiety. A new visitor: Fear.
She was overwhelmed with emotion. He didn't touch her though. He didn't rest a hand on her shoulder or let his fingers brush her hand.
He held tight to tidal swell of rage. It slammed headfirst into the brick wall she was leaning on, growing and escalating the more she tried to escape his care.
She stood up because she felt vulnerable, as if he was looking down on her with such judgment.
They both swallowed deeply, not knowing what to say to one another. This level of conversation had never been introduced between the two. He was prying much too hard. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing, which she doubted but still felt. It was as if she was a moth, cold and pinned to brittle cork board.
Her hands appeared behind her back and prayed for something to hold onto other than the wall he was shattering. Anything. The fingers did a frightening, skittish dance with one another, every grip making a quick meal of her resolve. Hidden defense.
He watched her twitch. He reminded himself of the resolve he'd chalked up outside the door, just minutes earlier. "I'm not letting go of it. Please tell me." Those few words were just a bit more aggressive.
She didn't respond, just wrung her hands harder, and breathed deeply. Pursed her lips to keep herself from saying what was beginning, now, to tear at her chest. Just a little.
He didn't think, had promised himself to not do too much of that before he entered. He grabbed her arms with such force that she whimpered in shock and pain. It was so unlike her! She instinctively squirmed, bitterly and unintelligibly, all moaning protest and twisted wrists. She didn't want to talk because it would mean explaining. Facing it.
Within her silence was fear. She couldn't defend herself right now, and all her empathy showed in him was strength. Beast Boy had never been so strong. His claws were leaving tiny, red half-moons under her leotard.
"Something's wrong, and this time there's no excuse to hide it from me."
Movement stopped. In the silence, their breaths were like cannons. Still, she refused to answer. Just clenched her teeth and steeled her eyes. He was getting so angry, wanted so badly to hear what was wrong. That she didn't tell him was a testimony to the intensity of the problem.
"You can't keep running like this!"
She breathed faster and opened her mouth, heavy and frustrated as words tried to slide off her tongue but instead ripped in spurts of Anger and Disbelief. More Emotion.
"Stop this! And you…what do you know? You're…pathetic! You're Beast Boy! How could you listen to anything I have to say and accept it, let alone understand it! What kind of idiot do you think I am!"
It was Fury and Desperation rolling down past her chin when the yell died and the last exhale echoed into the thick silence. His heart had taken nesting in a low corner of his chest. God, he was falling apart at that line. The grip on her wrists loosened, hands sliding down her forearms and landing by his sides. It was something like he'd say: "You're always so angry! What's your problem! Why don't you just lighten up?" It hurt so distinctively. It was so ironic.
There was nothing to say, just an attempt to speak, thousands of thoughts, and the ability to choke on shock. He could feel the sutures falling loose as he tried to come back to reality. Logic decided to go numb. Screw it. She was judging him. As he'd judged her for years.
She sat down with an intent and angry hurt in her eyes.
He had too much of a pride to let it stand at that. Hadn't she learned anything in "The Beast Within"? There was more to him than what she saw. He wanted to know what she was hiding from him. So he'd have to tell his own secrets first, wouldn't he?
"Look - maybe I don't get it at all Raven. Maybe I can't help you and I should leave the room right now. But I don't think you've got me pegged any better than I have you, and since we aren't going to get anywhere until you know what I'm talking about, tell you what I mean outright. My father may not have been a demon, I may know nothing of that pain, but I do know how much it hurt to lose someone. I know it felt so good to cover all of that grief with apathy. I pretended for years that I didn't care, that I hated them for leaving me behind with this…damn disease like a sick present. I hated them! I hated the memory of them and the fact that I existed, the fact that no one respected me and that I was so helpless and young. I hated feeling any of the pain that all of that brought on me. I ignored it.
"And do you know what?" – She was crying now, but he was in too much of a tirade to stop, he'd never told this to anyone before. His momentum carried him close to her face, their noses touching, and his hands on either side of her. He felt her tears slide along the tip of his nose. Their breath matched and mingled, like crashing storm clouds. He couldn't express how much he needed to get this across to her. -- "It didn't help me, Raven," he whispered. "It sucked me dry. I was foolish and resentful. Not even the Doom Patrol…really cared about me."
As he hit the last, bitter word and silenced, the very walls seemed to reverberate in response. Breathing came slowly, heavily, and his eyes were dark. She was crying. It…it scared him. The anger at his past was dissipating. Their foreheads touched as she fell apart in front of him.
He removed a glove and touched her cheek, very light and very cautious. She could kill him for this.
"Hey…"
She wanted to jerk away so badly. It was so uncomfortable for her; it was so strange and unpleasant. He was trying to comfort her, but... She grabbed his hand and squeezed her hardest; anything to let out whatever was stabbing her stomach and chest.
He just let her, winced a bit in pain, and gave a shaky grin.
Her eyes were closed so tight, the eyelids pushed together and teeth clenched so much that she was shaking. He knew just how she felt, wanting to let it all out. It was so human, so much like the Raven he'd been trying to get at for years. His own heart was so excited and nervous.
His arms wrapped round such a small frame. He pulled her to him but she didn't move, her wrists sliding along the bed sheets, useless. She was shaking now, her chin on his shoulder and her teeth biting so tightly on her lip that it could have sported blood. He gripped tighter, bunched the fabric in her heavy cape with long, clawed fingers. Her heart jumped and seemed to twist her throat shut, and with a tiny whimper she lowered her chin and bit his shoulder. Hard. Her head swum with the tidal cycle of emotion and the pain swelling in her chest. It was beyond her and fantastic. She was crying but was so happy, but was so sad, but was so torn up she didn't dare open her eyes for fear of taking to much in. His palm braced her neck and held her so tightly to him. It gave no choice but to be hugged and allow the ache and the raw feeling to continue on and on. There was nothing to save her. Then suddenly there was fire all over, like the breaking or a thousand tiny suns over the horizon of her skin. Her shoulders tensed and tears slowed, she released her teeth from his flesh.
If this was how it felt to feel, to be alive and human…oh, God...!
She raised her weak arms slowly, bringing her face back just enough to look him in the eyes, to ask if this was what he felt too, if this was what it should be like, or was it just so intense because she'd never really felt this before? It had been building up for so many, many, many years and now just flowing out over him and through his arms and their closeness.
He looked just was worried as her.
So she decided it didn't matter why just that it was, and that was something Raven never did. She hugged him back, wrapped up in it all, let her chest meet his, let her face hide in the soft alcove of his neck, just enough so that her lips touched his warm skin and her eyelids brushed his jaw. She wanted to trace this in her mind, to magnify it and experience everything she could. She wanted to explore the feeling, to mark it out and remember it and memorize its impact. So thrilling, but she only had her arms round his chest.
"This is insane," she whispered, and watched his hair quiver under her breath. Something she'd never seen before. She was so afraid. They both were.
And he pulled back first. Her expression encompassed his attention. He couldn't understand it, but God did he want to. He opened his mouth to speak but he didn't know how to say what he felt or thought. He just said the first thing he could think of, as he usually did.
"…Are you okay?"
There was a brief silence.
"That…" – she met his eyes again, her pupils dilated and lips just slightly parted – "…was enjoyable," she murmured. Her voice was rough…and quiet.
He remembered to breathe again. Slowly, with joyous relief, he laughed. Chills tumbled down his neck to his chest and shoulders. He couldn't help shaking his head, and lifted his thumb to wipe away the traces of tears from her cheek.
She smiled too.
And this time, it wasn't fake or material, it was because she was moving forward and learning. It was for herself that her grin slid into a small chuckle, and for herself that eyes winked at the edges. After so many years, after being told so many times she couldn't do it, she was growing spiritually. She was separate from the demon inside and becoming a person she could really love.
She was beginning to feel.
-Owari-
And as a bonus, a deleted scene from the start of this oneshot, which probably should now be placed afterwards…
It was a Saturday evening and the lights were lower than Raven's eyelids. The titans were enjoying a night out to dinner. Robin had been excited – they were eating behind a curtain, a sanctioned area where fans couldn't intrude. They even had a bouncer, which made Cyborg smile heartily. "So cool."
Beast Boy was heavily impressed by a fried mushroom dish and Starfire was falling head over heels for her ham and cheese sandwich. The children's menu did her good, although no one could understand how she passed for under twelve with those breasts. The only unsatisfied titan was Raven, whose herbal tea failed to be served and had settled for ice water. She was sipping it with pursed lips, a lemon dead by her right elbow, juiceless. Her cloak looked heavy and weighed down on her shoulders, encroaching on her posture. Around her, the atmosphere's familiarity grew and friendships intermingled. She was a quiet gargoyle, enjoying observing more than the effort to speak.
"Rich, right Raven? What if Robin's hiding a something awesome behind that mask, like a top secret gadget, or rainbow eyes!"
Beast Boy's joyful expression shattered into soft interest with Raven's glare. "There is no technology in his eye, Garfield, nor is his eye color unusual in any sense. I can tell."
He smirked. "And how do you know, Miss I-can-read-emotions-so-I-totally-know-everything. Being an empath doesn't mean you have x-ray vision!" His eyes widened. "Does it?"
She rolled her eyes at his unreasonable fear. "I don't know, does it?"
"AHH!" The green boy covered himself and turned to Cyborg, gesturing wildly.
She caught Robin's eyes, both watching the situation incredulously. In a moment, they both burst out laughing.
--
See you around! - Ryoko