A/N: I've had this idea simmering since after the mid-season finale and just never got around to writing it. I guess I just needed time to grieve so that I could give this story the full attention that it deserves. This is my first time writing any kind of The Walking Dead/Bethyl fanfiction and this is my first time publishing anything. Reviews would be appreciated. Enjoy! Xoxo
It'd only been three days since he lost her. The group was camped out in the middle of the woods for the night after walking for hours trying to find shelter. Every place that they stumbled across was either in too poor of condition for them to stay, or was overrun by walkers. They had a small fire going and were all sharing what little was left of their food. Daryl wasn't eating, though. He couldn't stomach food. He was too busy trying to stomach the pain, the anger, and the guilt that followed as soon as he saw her body fall to the floor.
He wasn't sitting near the fire. In fact, he wasn't sitting near the group at all. He was sitting with his back up against a tree, trying, but failing, to get the image of her lying limp in his arms as he carried her out of Grady out of his head. He sighed in frustration as he failed over and over again to try to think of anything but Beth Greene and her death. As if on cue, Carol approached him, carrying a bowl of what looked to contain a few slices of an apple.
She sat down beside of him and held out the bowl, "You need to eat somethin'."
Daryl just shook his head and pushed the bowl away.
Truth be told, he was starving. But there's no way that he could eat. The sight of food made him sick and even if he did eat, it'd just come back up anyway. So what was the point?
"Daryl, you haven't eaten in days." Carol said, with nothing but pure sincerity in her voice.
He just shrugged and turned his head. He didn't look anyone in the eye anymore. It was almost as if he was afraid of looking at them, in case it was the last time.
"We're all worried about you. Not only have you not eaten, but you haven't really talked to anyone either."
He mumbled a quiet, "I'm fine," before standing up, grabbing his bow, and then heading off into the woods.
Carol didn't follow. He needed to be alone and she understood that. She just sighed to herself and made her way back to the rest of the group.
Daryl only got a few feet away from the group before he fell to his knees on the ground. He guessed not eating and doing nothing but crying and brooding over the past few days had finally caught up to him. He was completely drained.
He threw his bow in frustration. It hit a tree and then fell to the ground. His eyes flooded with tears; tears that soon fell down his cheeks. He brought his hands up to his face and quickly wiped them away. The more he cried, the angrier he became. Finally, he'd had enough. His breathing became unsteady and the tears in his eyes were soon replaced with full blown rage as his hands balled up into fists. He started punching the ground as hard and as fast as he could.
He panted as he tried to form words, screaming as loud as his broken down lungs would allow.
"How could you just leave me here, huh? You left me all alone! You fucking left me! You never thought about what kind of effect your ignorant act of revenge would have on me! I fucking needed you, and you didn't care!"
His sobs only came faster and harder. His vision was blurry and all he could see and feel was rage. He didn't stop punching the ground. It wasn't really the ground that he was punching, he was punching himself. He was punching himself for being so stupid. For telling her to go outside that night at the funeral home, and for not keeping her with him when he finally got her back.
Once the rage wore off, and his sobs had grown quieter, and he was too tired to punch the ground anymore, he just hung his head and ran his now bloody hands through his hair. It was as if his body was incapable of producing anymore tears and his sobs just turned into hyperventilating.
"Beth, I need you," he said through short, deep breaths, "I need you, please come back.."
The next morning he woke up to Rick standing over him, shaking him, and calling out his name.
"Daryl? Come on, man. Wake up."
Daryl woke up confused and in a daze. He didn't remember falling asleep. But he guessed his body decided to take charge and force him to rest considering that he hadn't slept in days.
Rick held out his hand to help him up off the ground. Daryl took his hand and hissed through his teeth as he felt his knuckles start to burn with pain.
"You're bleedin'," Rick said as he glanced down at Daryl's hand, "c'mon, gotta get that wrapped up."
Daryl scoffed as Rick pulled him up off the ground. "Wrap it up with what? We ain't got no medical supplies, not even a damn Tylenol."
Once he was back on his feet it took him a few seconds to regain his balance. The sun hurt his eyes and he felt as if he was too weak to even make one step forward. But then he saw her.
She was like something out of a magazine. An angel that was sent straight down from heaven above, just for him. She looked like something out of a dream, all dressed in white with her hair perfectly braided off to the side. The long white dress that she was wearing made her pale skin glow and he didn't think it was possible for her to be anymore beautiful than she already was. Beth Greene was standing not even three feet in front of him and she looked better than he ever thought that he would have the privilege to see. And the best part? No blood splatters on her forehead or in her hair. No bullet wound.
Adrenaline surged through his veins and he no longer thought about how weak he felt or how much he so desperately needed something to eat. Nothing else mattered. She was just standing there. Smiling at him as if she had not gotten shot and killed three days before. Before he could process what was happening, he was running; running as fast as his legs would carry him. He'd lost her two times before, and he'd be damned if he'd lose her a third.
"Beth!" The closer he got to her, the louder her name came out.
She was leaning against a tree as if she were waiting on him to get to her. He was so close that he could taste it. He could feel her arms wrapping around him. He could hear her telling him that everything was okay, that she was fine, and that she wasn't going anywhere. He was going to get her back, and this time, he would keep her safe. Nothing. Nothing was going to take her away from him again.
When he finally got to the tree he was out of breath. It didn't take that long for him to actually get there. He was just so weak that running so fast took a lot more energy than it usually would have. It didn't matter though because she was there. He'd finally gotten to her. He reached out a hand to touch her cheek just to make sure that she was really there. But as soon as he got within less than an inch away from her face, she was gone.
He stood there for a few seconds before he collapsed and fell to the ground, sobbing and gasping for air. He knew she was there. He knew it. He wasn't crazy. Or was he? All he knew was that he was so close to getting her back, and then she was just ripped away from him, for the second time that week.
Rick ran as fast as he could as soon as he saw Daryl hit the ground. When he got there, he kneeled down in front of his friend. His face had the most confused expression on it from trying to figure out just how to handle the situation.
"Daryl.." Rick began, but Daryl's words cut him off.
"She was there, Rick. Beth. She was there. Right there." He said, pointing at the tree in front of them.
Rick sighed quietly as he remembered back to years before when he was in the same situation. He went through the same thing with Lori. He saw her every time he opened his eyes, turned his head, and closed his eyes. It was this never ending cycle of grief, anger, and regret. He knew his friend wasn't crazy, but he also knew that if he didn't come back from this, it would drive him there.
"I know, Daryl. I know. Did she say anythin'?"
Daryl just closed his eyes and shook his head in response.
Rick nodded before running a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say. "You gotta get up. She wouldn't want you lyin' out here in the middle of the woods. She'd want you to eat somethin'."
Without awaiting a response from Daryl, Rick slid his arm under Daryl's back to help him up off the ground. Daryl just gave in and leaned against him for support. He was too tired to fight.
"Wait," Daryl said, his eyes searching the ground, "my bow. Where's my bow?"
Rick let out a chuckle and reassured him, "I've got it. Just keep movin'."
Daryl just gave him a subtle nod before they began walking back to camp.
Once they arrived they were greeted with many confused and worried looks. Rick ignored them though and helped his friend sit down on the ground. Daryl leaned back against the tree and, without thinking, pressed his palms into the ground as he tried to push himself up. A stinging pain went straight through to his knuckles and he muttered curses under his breath.
"Shit hurts like a bitch."
Rick's eyes wandered around the camp in search of Carol. When they spotted her, he immediately gave her directions on what to do. "Carol, get somethin' to wrap his knuckles up with. Anythin'."
She gave him a nod before searching throughout the camp for anything that she could use to help him.
Rick glanced down at Daryl who was drifting in and out of consciousness and made sure that he was okay before walking over to the small fire that was burning in the middle of the camp and gathering up a small portion of the mixed vegetables that were cooking. He walked back to the tree and sat down beside of Daryl and held out the bowl.
"Gotta eat somethin'. She'd want you to. You know she would."
Daryl slowly opened his eyes and glanced over at Rick. He gave him a small nod before taking the bowl and shoving small spoonfuls into his mouth at a time. He was surprised at how easily the food was going down and staying down. He didn't want to gulp it down, though. Just in case.
When he looked up from his bowl he saw her again. Kneeling down in front of him and staring at him with a smile that showed nothing but signs of peace and happiness. He almost reached out to touch her but quickly pushed that idea out of his head. He knew that if he tried, she'd go away. And there's no way he could stand losing her again. Especially not twice in one day. But just because he didn't try to touch her, didn't mean that he didn't stare a hole through her. Members of the group were looking at him and looking in the direction he was staring in, but saw nothing. Rick knew, though. And he wasn't about to let him go through this alone.
Rick spoke quietly and shifted his eyes in the direction that Daryl was staring. "Daryl, is she here?"
Daryl hummed in response, but didn't dare shift his eyes. And had it not been for his body's need for him to blink, he wouldn't have.
"Do you think she's real?"
Daryl shook his head at that. He knew it wasn't really her. There's no way that was possible, and he knew that. He accepted that. What he didn't understand was why his mind was forcing him to see someone that he never thought he'd see again. He didn't understand why he was torturing himself.
"I'm okay, Daryl." This time, she spoke. She spoke with a voice so quiet, yet so angelic. He had to strain to hear what she said and just as he was getting ready to respond, she disappeared again.
Rick waved a hand in front of Daryl's face. "You still with me?"
Daryl shook himself out of his trance and nodded his head. He sat his half eaten bowl of vegetables down on the ground beside of him and leaned his head back against the tree and slipped his eyes shut.
"She talked to me." He said, without opening his eyes.
Rick tried to keep his voice as calm and as casual as possible. "What'd she say?"
Daryl took a semi-deep breath before responding. "That she was okay."
"That's good." Rick was choosing his words very carefuly. He knew that Daryl's emotions and state of mind were both on the edge.
"Guess so."
"Is that what you needed to hear? That she was okay?"
Daryl sighed and shook his head, but never opened his eyes.
"What do you need to hear from her then?"
"Need to hear why."
"Why what?"
Daryl's eyes opened as he shifted his head to look at his friend before responding. "Why she left."
Rick knew that nothing he said beyond that point would help or be to Daryl's advantage. He remembered how he felt when he saw Lori everywhere he looked and just how bad it hurt. He knew that Daryl had to deal with this and go through this on his own. So, he just gave him a nod that said that he understood before getting up and walking toward the other members of the group.
As Rick made his way back to the heart of the camp, Carl stopped him and began asking questions.
"Is he okay? He doesn't even look like he's apart of the world. Just looks like he's in a daze."
"He's just.. dealin' with some things." Rick said as he glanced back at Daryl, "He'll be back soon."
The next day everyone was up and getting ready to start moving again. Daryl, however, was still sitting in the exact same spot as the day before. He barely slept because every time he'd close his eyes, he'd see her. And it didn't help that the same thing happened every time he opened his eyes, too. Rick and Carol took turns about checking up on him, but he didn't talk to them. Carol tried talking to him when she came to wrap his knuckles up, but he just ignored her. He was done talking. The only person that he wanted to talk to died four days ago.
He knew that the group was getting ready to leave but he couldn't bring himself to give a damn. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to leave. Truth be told, he was scared to. He was scared that if he left that campsite, that he'd never see her again and she'd disappear. Forever.
He sighed as he reached down to grab the bottle of water that Carol had left for him some time during the night. When he leaned back up, she was there. Sitting down beside of him and smiling at him with that award-winning smile of hers. He didn't dare look away. He didn't want to risk losing her again.
"Daryl," Beth began and placed her hand over his knee, "you have to get up soon. They need you." She turned her head to look at the members of the group who were packing up their things.
He scoffed at her words. "And I needed you."
Each time he'd tried to respond to her before, she'd disappear. Not this time. This time she stayed.
She sighed as she brought a hand up to his cheek. "Daryl-"
He cut her off. "Stop. Don't go giving me bullshit reasons as to why I don't need you. I know damn well what I need. So just don't. You're not even really here."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before quietly speaking. "You want to know why, right? Why I left?"
He mumbled a quiet, "Mhm," before glancing over at her.
"I left because I couldn't let her win. I had to do it. You may not understand, and that's okay," she took his cheeks in the palms of her hands before continuing, "I didn't leave you on purpose, Daryl. If I would've known that that's what was going to happen, I wouldn't have dared. I wanted to be back with my family. I wanted to be back with you."
He didn't speak. He just stared at her in awe and wondered how his mind could make something like this feel so real.
"You have to put me away, Daryl. You have to forgive yourself for this."
"What if I can't?" He said, his eyes filling up with tears.
She shook her head. "You have to. Or the guilt will consume you. It'll kill you."
He didn't know what to say. So again, he just stared at her.
"Be pissed at me for leavin'. Get mad, get sad. But don't let guilt of somethin' that you're not guilty for consume you."
He couldn't hold it in anymore and his eyes overflowed with tears. "You remember what your last words to me were?"
She nodded before reciting them back to him. "I'm not gonna leave you."
He stared up at her, nothing but the expression of pain on his face. "You lied."
"Daryl, listen to me. I didn't lie. I'm always going to be here. I'm always going to be with you. But you have to put this guilt away. Daryl, you have to put me away."
He tried to speak, but no words would form. She leaned over and lingered a kiss on his cheek and then disappeared. He wasn't crying anymore and his breathing was beginning to go back to normal. He knew that the Beth Greene he saw wasn't really there and that she was just a figure of his imagination, but he also knew that everything that his mind made her say was true. He still had a family and he still had people to live for. No one else would die. Not if he could help it.
As he stood up from the ground he noticed the number of people staring at him with worried and confused expressions. He'd been getting those looks a lot lately. He just ignored them, though, as he went to pack up his things. With his bow on his shoulder and his pack on his back, he headed for the road with the rest of the group. Rick hung back with Daryl and after about twenty minutes of silence, he decided it was time to try and get him to talk about what happened.
Rick took a deep breath before asking a question he already knew the answer to. "Were you talkin' to Beth back there?"
Daryl nodded once before giving Rick a response. "Mhm."
"Did you get what you needed?"
"Yeah, I did," Daryl looked up at the sky and, for the first time in days, took in the sun and enjoyed the way it felt on his skin, "I put her away."