One very Insane story by My friend Ana-san and me, writting around 3 am when she slept over once. So just as a reminder, we are completely insane, so don't sue us. YAY.
A blonde teenage boy walked into a deserted office on a Wednesday. It was odd for many reasons seeing it was a week day and liutenant Hawkeye would never allow this, much less walk off herself. Fairly sure it was a prank he strolled into the coronel's office finding it empty too, exactly the same as it was except for a fairly large manilla note, it read "Ed, as soon as you find this come to –insert adress here- We're waiting. signed, All of us" "This is getting wierd" he thought stepping out the door en route to the mentioned adress.
The fall afternoon chilled the boy who pulled his jacket tighter around him. The warm blast of air was welcome as he stepped into the small locale. However the scene on staged warmed him further with a desire to laugh, cheer, blush and sit down and relax all at the same time.
On stage were, to his astonishment, strict Lt. Hawkeye and the rather cool and calm Colonel Mustang singing Ame no hi wa. To his further surprise they did it quite well. Ed would have sat down to ask Falman what was going on but a familiar voice behind him began to scold him "WE WERE WAITING EDWARD! WE ARE NEXT YOU KNOW!" Winry Rockbell yelled. "next...what does she mean" Ed thought simply staring at his childhood friend who was dragging him toward the stage.
"Nii-san! I'm glad you made it!" a particularly large suit of armor said enthusiastically. If his rigid metal face would have allowed it, Alphonse would also have smiled.
"What the heck... are you talking about?" Edward questioned, frowning.
"Well, DUH! Ed, we have to sing 'Hagane no Kokoro'! " Winry said, as she snorted.
"eh?" was all Ed could say. As the energetic blonde girl dragged him to the stage, followed by Al.
"haha, good luck fullmetal." Colonel Roy mustang smirked as he went down the stage.
Edward was still stunned. He tried to connect the past events... Empty Office, Letter, Weird place...The Colonel singing with the 1st Lieutenant, And now Winry Dragging him to a stage to sing a song, along with Al.
Still, nothing made sense. All he could do was go along with it.
"Ready, Guys?" Winry yelled, tossing a microscone, i mean, microphone to Ed and handing Al one as well. (Yes, Microphones exist back then. Why? It makes sense, completely. Just like flying picture frames can sing the barney theme. It's all in physics.) Ed would have frozen and made a complete fool of himself if not for the fact that Havoc mumbled "god dammit i lost the bet" in that moment everyone's favorite deranged lunatic (Scar, if you didn't notice) rushed in yelling "WHO HAS SAID GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!" to the faces of shock. Suddenly giggling from behind the stage was heard loud and clear (because of the silence following Scar's sudden appearance) and it soon turned into maniacal laughter. The curtain opened to reveal two seventh grade girls who would not stop laughing. At this point not a word was said but many glances of WTF! were exchanged. The tallest had long light brown hair in a ponytail with a purple rose. She had brown eyes with green on the bottom and she was wearing contacts. The other one, who was somewhat shorter than the 1st girl, had her short black hair in 2 messy pigtails (wait. Aren't pigtails always 2? Then how come pigs only have 1 tail? WTF! It's a conspiracy.) She had dark Brown eyes, and was still laughing very hard. When they finally calmed down they introduced themselves. "I'm Ana" the brown haired one managed to squeeze out and broke into laughter again. "and this is Livy" she said finally calm, whereas Livy still had not stopped laughing insanely.
"BEWARE OF THE EVIL CURTAINS THAT TAP-DANCE! BWAHAHAH!" Livy shouted, pointing at the audience, who were still confused, and staring at her. Oo. Roy made a lame attempt at introductions but was cut off seeing as the two mysterious girls already knew all of them. "We are just gonna sit in the back" they mumbled and collapsed into the nearest set of chairs.
"So, Edo-koi, go sing with Winry and Al!" Livy said pointing her finger of doom at the braided alchemist.
"Edo-koi? Wait a sec, you can be calling me 'Edo-love' or 'Edo-fish' like that!" Edward growled.
"HAHAHAHAH I mean Edo-love" Livy smirked "Because you kick butt!" she concluded, and received weird stares.
"Besides, I don't have to do what you 2 say!" Edward yelled triumphantly. "Correction, YOU DO!" Ana cackled putting on her evilest grin.
"Ooooooooookayyyyyyyy" Roy said, obviously thinking they had issues. Then there was a blinding flash of light and a zapping noise, basically a thunderbolt hitting Scar the Ishbalan crazy cow.
"SUUFFER! THIS IS GOD'S PUNISHMENT!" Livy yelled, and again, laughed manically.
"GOD HAS SENT ME A SIGN! AHHHHH! OH JOY! MY MISSION IN THE WORLD IS COMPLETE!" Scar screamed.
"Livy, you're being Evil." Ana hissed at her demented friend,
"EGGGZZACLY" Livy replied "JUST LIKE THIS BOILED EGG OF DOOMNESS! It can sing Britney Spears songs!" She held out a raw egg.
"Livy... that is raw..." Ana sweatdropped.
"NO IT AIN'T!" Livy turned and seemed to be punching buttons, and there was a "POOF" and a "DING" sound, and she revealed the egg once again, now boiled.
"ALCHEMY!" Breda yelled
"Ummmmm...not exactly" Ana mumbled knowing it was her job to explain. "We have a magic keyboard of doominess and we simply type into it and it happens. Livy zapped the freakazoid murdering goat (Scar for you slow readers) but we can do more." She rushed through the information and knew that they would end up proving it, after all it WAS a wierd piece of news. "Prove it" Roy said skeptically. She sighed then typed in –roy starts break dancing- and pushed the enter key. "Sir! Calm down" Riza yelled at the break dancing Colonel, who couldn't stop even if he wanted to. The pair of friends roared with laughter and made Breda start doing ballet and Falman did The Macarena on a chair. Riza was still in shock as she stared at her hand, which used to hold her gun. But it had turned into...
a lacy bra.
"oh..." Roy said, feeling that a nosebleed was coming. He got an idea.
"Uhhhh..." Livy muttered as Roy Whispered to her something. "No, I won't change all the female's pants into miniskirts! Dahahaha Silly Roy-koi. This time I mean it as fish. Or carp" Livy smirked.
"But... why not?" Roy whined.
"We is girls too. We does not like miniskirts." Livy said, closing her eyes for a moment to express her almighty seriousness.
"Fine, then just Riza!" Roy said. But instantly regretted saying it out loud. He felt a cold gun being pressed against the back of his neck. He sweated nervously and gulped. He thought it was Riza until he realized she was a few paces away. "Its me silly Roykoi! Its pretty cool to point guns at people" Ana said cheerily behind him.
"Roy-ponpon, don't you remember Riza-sempai's gun turned into a lacy bra? Pppssssstttt she would point a bra at you, now, would she?" Livy pointed out, literally too, her finger of doom aimed at roy's Head.
"Now, Livy, let's discuss our next... actions." Ana smirked evilly, which made Livy's smile grow. She nodded as they placed the keyboard on a chair and pondered about what to type.
"AHA!" Livy screeched and whispered something to Ana. Everyone wanted to know what she said, but the only words they could get was Roy, and Hawkpie. Or maybe it was Hawkeye? Oh the joys of puns.
Suddenly everyone grew pale. They could do something bad. REALLY bad. Ana noticed the sudden tension and sighed.
"Don't worry, we don't like hentai or yaoi and stuff."
A collective sigh was heard.
"That's a relief." Roy said scratching the back of his head.
"but come to think of it, there are some bad things between decent stuff and Hentai" Fury pointed out, which made everyone nervous again.
"COME ON!" Livy Yelled "We're not like that!" She sighed. Roy began " Weeell I have a good reason to be nervous after all alot of people pair me up with Fullmetal" he cringed obviously trying no to puke. "Hey I got reason to worry too! People like pairing me with Fuery and we barely interact...some people are just downright wierd" Havoc said looking disgusted with yaoi too.
"WHATEVER" Ana said, stretching her arms out.
"Okee dee. Now let's go according to da PLAN!" Livy Grinned and typed something. Everyone gulped.
"ROY-SAN AND RIZA-SAN ADMIT THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER!" Livy read out loud, and pressed the enter key. Hawkeye and Mustang froze completely, and were covered with mocking looks.
"C-Colonel, SIR! I LOVE YOU!" Riza shouted
GASP!
"I love you too first lieutenant!" Roy yelled.
"Finally, we always knew." Ana nodded.
"Wait a sec! I didn't mean to say that!" Riza debated "They just forced me to."
"CORRECTION: We made you open your heart and admit your feelings. Not to tell him you LOVED him. Which means you DO love him" Ana said.
A lot of "ooooohhh"s and "aaaahaaaaa"s were heard.
Poor Hawkeye blushed furiously.
At this Roy jumped in to save his beloved "We will get married soon Riza dont worry.." Then came a silence as evryone began thinking about weddings and clothes to be interrupted by "Can I be the Best Man?" it was Hughes. "Well he was a nice guy and you needed a best man" the girls explained sheepishly. "OH! I almost forgot" Ana yelled and quickly typed a hurried message onto the magical key boat, I mean board, but wouldnt a key boat be fun? Riding on a key in the oceaaan... but... Keys sink... hm... 'The ducks could keep them afloat' Livy concluded.
"Oh, but back on topic, We need to give Al his body back". The flash of green light cleared to expose the now normal Al.
"Wow, I feel like I haven't eaten anything for 3 or 4 years!" Al exclaimed.
"Technically, you haven't." Ed muttered.
Ana typed something and an apple pie appeared.
Al ate furiously. But he wasn't furious. He was Hungry. Yay for these weird terms.
Meanwhile...
Roy and Riza were still acting lovey-dovey.
"Oh Colonel! We should buy a white house! One in a nice and calm place..." Riza said samiling
"As you Wish, My dear lieutanant! We can have lots of kids and..."
"Okay, this is getting weird, Colonel" Havoc stared at his superior.
"Havoc, you should get married too!" Roy stated.
"If you didn't steal all my girlfr-" Havoc trailed off as he realized his cigarette had turned into a big green pickle.
"BWAHAHAHAH" Livy laughed. "good one Ana-san!"
Ana giggled too.
Then she typed:
Roy and Riza stop acting Lovey and stuff –
"Colonel! Why are you hugging me!" Riza almost screamed.
"Eh? What are you doing here, lieutenant?" Roy asked.
"You just said you wanted to buy a "nice and calm" house, and have lots of Kids!" Edward laughed
"WHAT THE HECK!" Roy almost fell off his chair.
"HUH!" Riza replied angrily, and also embarassed.
A smirk spread across Havoc's face. Blackmail. The sweet scent of--- blackmail. "Fuery did you record that for me?" He asked.
"Yes 2nd lieutenant!" Fuery said happily, not realizing the purpose of these recordings. In Havoc's nicotine addicted brain the wheels began to turn and he thought maybe Riza will fall in love with me. "Naughty Havoc cuckoo for cocopuffs already? Well don't worry were gonna fix that." Ana said her friend's wierdness rubbing off on her. There was a yelp from Fuery and the recordings caught fire. "Oooooooh Sparkles!" Livy squealed. "HEY DO YOU MIND!" the authors turned to find that they had negleted Falman and Breda who had continued dancing. "Oops our bad" they said typing in the command for then to stop dancing.
"I still want more RoyxRiza stuff to happen..." Livy said, picturing herself rumaging through her brain, in search of ideas.
Snatching the keyboard from Ana, Livy proceeded to type something.
Suddenly Roy swept Riza from her feet and held her in his arms and yelled: "AKANE IS MY FIANCÈ! YOU TOUCH HER AND I'LL KILL YOU!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Oh woops. Ranma ½ quote!" Livy laughed.
She changed what she had typed. Everyone stared at Roy and Riza, awaiting their next move. However, the next person to feel the effects of the keyboard was Kain Fuery. All of a sudden he stood on stage and proclaimed "I am Micheal Flatley, LORD OF THE DANCE" beginning to do some of the famous jigs.
It took a few seconds for everyone to react. The quiet, and as some people might call Nerdy, Kain Fuery was now dancing like a mad man. But soon the whole cast was rolling on the floor laughing. Except for Breda who was cheering. He loved that show.
"WE MUST GO! YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE KISS OF DEATH, SIR!" Havoc yelled randomly.
Livy had gotten hold of the keyboard.
"hehehe, darn it another Ranma quote. I mean, Both series are about some 16 year old, that has a braid and some red piece of clothing..."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MALFORMED MIDGET!" Edward Yelled.
"What the heck, edo-koi? I never said anything about you being short. In fact, YOU ARE TALLER THAN ME!" Livy said.
"REALLY!" ed said, comparing his height to the pigtailed girl's.
Some angelic music started playing as Ed flew around (yes, he flew) with Joy.
"That was nice, Johnny.You can go now. I'll see you later" Hughes waved at one of the angels that had been playing. "He's annoying!" He hissed.
"But I'm taller than you" Ana commented,
"HOW OLD ARE YOU!" Edward yelled.
"12" said Ana.
Ed sat in a corner in gloom. GLOOM.
"ARG! I NEED MORE ROYAI!" Livy yelled randomly.
Pondering about what to type, she stared at... Roy's hair. It was funny. Spiky sometimes. But it was shinyyyy of the glows. But in Hughes funeral, he had the weird hair style. He looked like someone from the mafia or something. HAHAH. Livy laughed out loud. Obviously receiving odd stares. AHA! Inspiration!
A bottle of Vodka appeared before Roy. The randomly drank it, following the orders of the keyboard of doom. And got drunk.
"HIC! Upu know... Lieutenant... HIC! You look very pretty... HIC!" Roy muttered.
"um... Thanks?" Riza said hesitating.
"You HIC! Know how you would HIC! Look ever PURDYFULLER?" Roy smirked.
"I am afraid to ask, sir" Riza said.
"IF YOU WORE A TIIIIIIINY MINISKIRT BWAHAHAHAHAH!" Roy laughed as he stood on a table.
"Wait...drunkeness is funnyful. WE NEED MORE!" Ana exclaimed and typed furiously. Ed appeared obviously drunk too and started doing shots and singing badly ( well they are drunk what were you expecting?). That is until Riza stole their liquor forcing them to chase her in their druken squallor. "Aaaaawww poor them!" the girls said making them not-drunk. There were many cries of "oh my aching head" and "oh me gree where am I" it was even funnier than when they were drunk.
Livy typed. Fast.
Then, with a bat (no not a blood sucking creature, a baseball bat) she hit Riza on the head.
Everyone was a bit freaked out.
Riza Slowly opened her eyes, regaining counciousness.
"Who am I?" She said,
"You're Riza ... mustang" Livy smirked.
Roy proceeded to cough like he had choked.
"You're married to that guy..." She continued, pointing at Roy.
Roy coughed more.
"and you have... 17 children." She concluded triumphantly.
Roy was almost choking himself to death with all his coughing as his hairs jumped up as if he has been electrocuted.
"That guy dancing on that table is your best friend" Ana said about to laugh because fuery was still yelling about Micheal Flatley.
"The guy next to the braided boy is your brother" She concluded pointing at Al.
"AHEM" Roy cleared his throat, approcaching Riza. "Listen, lieutanant. I'm not married to you, and also-" Roy started explaining, and didn't realize that Ana sneakily typed in that Riza got her memory back.
"And last, we do NOT have 17 children!" Roy said.
"What!" Riza yelled "I KNOW THAT! Are you crazy?" She asked.
"Ah. Your memory is back." Roy sighed. At that moment Kain jumped from the table, not thinking he was Micheal Flatley, but he grabed Winry and began to waltz. "LET GO!" she yelled. "I CAN'T!" he yelled back while Ana told Breda "Were crazy and proud".
"MORE ROYAI!" Livy yelped
Livy's mind: hm... maybe I should force Riza to make a move. BWEHEHE. But what exactly... hm... Maybe SHE could get drunk... hm...
Livy whispered her idea to Ana, and waited for a response.
"Okay" Ana said a bit bored.
The pigtailed girl typed rushed, but fairly understandable sentences.
Suddenly Riza looked a bit green, and like she had a huge headache.
Oops, Livy thought, and added – Without suffering or pain –
Riza suddenly got up, but looked dizzy.
Livy, being her usual self, ran to riza and pushed her towards Roy.
"can I go hooome...?" Riza muttered.
"COME ON!" livy yelled. "Can't you be FUN drunk like ed and roy? Ana-san helpy pleaseers?"
Ana typed something.
Havoc suddenly pushed Roy and The 1st lieutanant into a closet. (it came out of nowhere. WOOT.)
He locked the door.
As a matter of instinct, everyone ran to the closet and stuck their ears to the door.
"This place is tight." Riza commented
"Yes." Roy agreed.
SILENCE...
The people outside began to frown.
"How pointless.." Livy sighed.
"I like the military uniform." Riza said.
"Yeah, it's ok." Roy said. "a miniskirt for the women would be better though"
"No way."
"Y'know, you should wear a skirt more often Hawkeye. It doesn't HAVE to be a miniskirt, I mean..."
"hmph."
SILENCE...
"Can you actually see anything lieutenant?" Roy asked.
"I'm closer to the door so I get some light."
"oh."
SILENCE...
"Ana-san... this is booooooooring..." livy whined.
Ana typed something and they heard a crash.
"ANA-SAN! What's happening!" Livy asked frantically, seeing her friend had x-ray goggles, looking through the door,
"Ha, looks like Roy tripped." Ana grinned evilly "That looks like a compromising position, to me. Hahahahahaha!"
"Sorry. That was an accident, lieutenant..." Roy said.
"I know, I noticed." Riza said.
"I didn't ...I didn't ...I didn't mean to kiss you." He whispered.
GASP
"Coronel-san?"
"Hum?"
"This isn't an accident" Riza said then she leaned in and kissed him but only Ana saw and she only told Livy. Then they opened the closet. At that moment they typed something in and Winry and Fuery who had continued waltzing finally stopped.
"Livy, its time to play a little game..."
"ohohohohohohoh! I GET YOU!" Livy laughed evilly
Everyone found their tone horrirific, and were sweating nervously. Especially one colonel, named Roy.
So everyone sat down to wait, hoping that their fate would be too terrible. So they waited for two hours (it was actually two minutes but you can alter time easily with special keyboards). "Hey where did Breda and Falman go?" Havoc asked noticing their sudden disappearance. "I think their over here" Winry said pointing at a door. Being locked and facing gigantic boredom they began to eavesdrop.
"AH this is really nice!" said Breda.
"We have something in common!" Falman laughed.
"But it has to be out little secret..."
"Yes, it would spread to everyone if a single person heard about this..."
Edward looked disgusted. He stared at everyone else and realized their expressions mimiced his own. UGH. Except for Hawkeye. Who didn't seem to care.
"wow, this is a huge one! And it's hot too!"
"haha of course it is, I put pepper on it!"
Roy whispered "WTF!" and everyone else thought the same thing.
Feeling like he'd had enough, The flame alchemist busted the door with alchemy to reveal...
Breda and Falman eating steak.
"Aw, now everyone's gonna want a piece!" Breda whined.
Everyone still looked surprised, and scolded themselves mentally.
"BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH" that familiar scary laughter was heard,
Ana and Livy broke a hole in the ceiling and jumped in.
"hehhehehe, you guys haven't read many of these fanfics, now have you?" ana smirked
"perverted, perverted people!" Livy shook her head.
Breda and Falman were still oblivious to all the mess.
" My favorite part was writing it from the ceiling and seeing your faces!" Ana said happy their little game had worked.
Ed walked away feeling to crowded and too close to the lunatic authors.
Until he heard Havoc teasing Fuery "Hey did you have fun dancing with WINRY" at this poor edo-kun snapped. "WHAT?" Winry turned around and faced Ed knowing that would be his reaction. "You betrayed me! Last time you said you would be my girlfriend!" Ed yelled at a highly irritated Winry. "Oh, yeah! I said i would CONSIDER it! Darn it Ed we've only had a few dates!" Winry bellowed back. Until they realised everyone was staring.
"When we were... 3?" Winry said, not too hopeful about that little addition working.
"NOW! WE WILL GIVE DA COUPLE PRIZES! TA-TA-TA-DAAAAA!" Livy exclaimed.
"For 3rd place... Falman and Breda!" Ana said.
"For giving everyone that scare! Congrats!" Livy said, handing them a trophie made out of crappy cardboard.
"2nd place goes to..." said ana.
"WINRY AND ED! For Edo-koi being so jealous and kawaii!" Livy smirked.
"and 1st place..." Ana sighed
"GOES TO... THE BEST COUPLE EVER: HAWKEYE AND MUSTANG!" Livy jumped around.
"What we're not a couple..." Roy started, but was cut by Ana.
"yea, right. You admited your love for each other, AND you kissed when stuck in the closet. TWICE." Ana said bluntly.
"uuhhhhhhh..." they both said, looking for excuses, but couldn't find any.
"Now, Time to...PUSH ED OFF A CLIFF!" They all said maniacally and closed in on Ed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he yelled until he felt the floor beneath him. That's when he woke up. He had been waiting to go into Mustang's office had fallen asleep on the office couch and had now fallen off. "So it was just a dream" he whispered "WAIT" then he ran out to check on the others. "Fuery! You're not dancing around like a crazy person" Ed sang. Fuery looked up confused then continued working. "First Liuetenant can I see your gun?" he spit out. Riza simply held it up. "Thank God its not a bra!" Ed said highly relieved as Hawkeye stared. Roy stepped out of his office holding a cup off coffee it was a bad day already until Ed yelled "HEYAREYASSTILLGONNABUYTHATWHITEHOUSEANDHAVE17KIDSWITHHAWKEYE?" Ed said in a single breath. "What... the...Are..you..okay?" Roy asked confused.
Falman and Breda walked into the office. Ed glared at them.
"ALRIGHT! GIMME THE STEAK!" He yelled.
"Huh? Ed are you okay?" Breda asked
"I WILL CATCH YOOOOOOOOOOU SOMEDAAAAAAYY!" Ed was about to run off, but whirled around and asked:
"WHERE'S HUGHES! HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE YOUR BEST MAN WHEN YOU MARRIED HAWKEYE!"
"huh? Ed... 1st Hughes is dead. 2nd. Eehhh... I don't plan on getting married soon." Roy gave him a weird look.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ed screamed and ran out.
The officers all have the same thought: The Kid has gone insane.
As they chased him Ed crashed into Al. "AL WHY AREN'T YOU HUMAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY" Ed yelled. All said nothing but picked his brother up and handed him over to the care of the military, who said he had a fever and was hallucinating. In the excitement no one noticed two figures standing in the shadows. "We can torture edo-koi again, soon" Ana said. "do you mean Fish, or Love?" Livy asked "Fish. Definetly fish." Ana replied. "Do you think they are ever gonna find out we are over here?" Livy asked. "Nah..but we can some more fun another day" Ana responded as they walked away, back to the real world.
The End