A/N: ENG is copyrighted, blah. Nea, Sabin, Palita, Binko and the like are MINE! MUWHA! This is the intro to Nea and Kuzco's friendship. (I figgered he had too many love interests already and needed a pal, so there ya go) I have to warn thee of my particular writing style: it's twisted, cynical, sarcastic, and normally doesn't make sense. You have been warned. Also, any ideas as to future adventures for the two would be a nice bonus review for me. *hint HINT* thank yee for reeding.
Story One: In Which We Meet Our Characters
"Can we get some drinks over here!?" Emperor Kuzco waved his hand angrily, trying to grab the waitress's attention. She held up an impatient hand to him, talking to the bar tender. Kuzco, not liking to be told to wait, stood up. "HEY! You! Scantily clad bar wench!!"
"Just a minute, sir!" she said, gritting her teeth. She turned back to Sabin, the bartender. "I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna shove the broken end of a bottle in some of these drunkard's faces!"
"Calm down, Dulcinea… He's a paying customer. And a very good one at that." Sabin dried a glass, setting it down gently on the counter. "You should try to be a little more patient with them."
"There's no excuse for that kind of behavior!" She growled, jerking a thumb at Kuzco, who had decided standing on the table gave him a better chance of being noticed. "I'm only one person! I can only do so much at one time!" She grabbed the glasses Sabin had filled and stalked to the Emperor's table. After throwing them down with a loud splash, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Anything else for you, sir?"
"Well, yes, actually, now that you mention it…" He gave her a wide-eyed hopeful look. "D'ya have any of those little pretzels?"
"Sorry. Fresh out." She turned to go.
"Any peanuts?" his friend, a large man in a brown poncho, asked softly.
"We serve two things here, gentlemen, and two things only: specialty drinks with little umbrellas and cheap and mindless entertainment.. If you want snacks, I suggest you go to the Meat Hut." She gave them a sarcastic smile and stomped off.
"Well you don't have to be so sassy!" Kuzco said grumpily. She rolled her eyes, heading towards a table to begin clearing it. His voice stopped her halfway. "Hey! Bar Wench! Got any straws?"
"My name," she growled, pointing to her nametag, "is Dulcinea. And we don't have any straws."
"Well why not?"
"Danger to the wildlife. Animals and small children could choke on the wrappers."
"That's terrible!"
"We think so, too, sir."
"Well…. Can't you make an exception for me?"
"Why would I do that? What makes you the exception to Clause 32.1 A of the "Restaurants and Proper Utensils Utilized Within"?"
There was a brief moment of silence, in which Kuzco tried to absorb that bit of information. "I'm the Emperor?" he said finally, clearly befuddled.
She burst out laughing. "You? The Emperor? That's the best joke I've heard all night!" She shook her head, turning to clear the table.
"You're not gonna believe this, but I am the Emperor! I used to be a llama as well, but that's an entirely different story…"
"Of course you are, sir. And this isn't my real job."
"Actually, Dulcinea, he is the Emperor." His friend said, nodding. "I know from experience."
She stared at them. The skinny, obnoxious young man with big black eyes and a perpetual smile, and his rounder, nodding friend. They were both staring at her expectantly, waiting for the recognition to dawn.
"Riggghhht," she said finally, reaching for their glasses. "I think the two of you have had enough drinks for tonight…"
"AHHH! NO TOUCHY MY DRINK!" The scrawny one jumped up from his seat and assumed a ninja position to safeguard his beverage. The larger man looked slightly alarmed.
"Now, let's not get excited…"
By now the other patrons of the bar were beginning to become very intrigued by the whole scene playing out before them. Dulcinea was becoming very short-tempered.
"Alright. Out. Both of you. Leave now."
"What!? You're telling us to leave!?"
"Yes I am."
"NO! I'm not leaving! Not until I get my pretzels!"
"We don't have any pretzels!"
"Then go find some!"
"Go find yourself another bar! And get out of this one!" She grabbed their drinks and held them to her protectively. "GET OUT!"
"How dare you speak to me like that!? Off with her head!" Kuzco flailed his arms in the air wildly, screaming to no one in particular. "Where's an evil advisor when you need one!!!!!!!!?"
"Kuzco, I think we better get going…" the fat man started edging towards the door, keeping one eye on the ball of rage in the scanty get-up.
"NO! I'm the EMPEROR! I DEMAND THAT THIS BAR WENCH BE…. Be…. " he trailed off, hand on his chin. "Hmmmm. What would be a good punishment for this?" he asked his friend. The friend shrugged helplessly. "I KNOW! I demand that you go on a quest! A quest for pretzels!"
"And peanuts," his friend coughed.
"And peanuts!" Kuzco added importantly.
"You're drunk off your rockers!"
"Au contraire!" Kuzco flashed a toothy grin. ("Pretty suave usage of the French, eh?" he asked a nearby drunken patron, who nodded numbly) "I've only had one drink, and that was a Shirley Temple!"
Dulcinea didn't know how to answer. He was right. Even the drink he had just ordered was a virgin pina colada. She looked behind her at Sabin, trying to get some backup. He started to whistle, looking the other way.
Sighing, she turned back to the scrawny punk. "Look. Either you leave quietly and you'll be allowed back in another day, or… Or I'll have to bunt-kick your scrawny arse into the next village!"
"Hey! My arse is NOT scrawny!" he pouted, giving his rear a quick once-over. "I happen to like it quite well."
"Kuzco, I think we better leave." The pudgy man tugged on Kuzco's sleeve. "I've seen Chicha like this sometimes… It's better to walk away…"
Kuzco, giving Dulcinea a very stern glare, made a few ninja moves and obligingly retreated with his friend. "One day," he said in a deep voice. "One day, we shall meet again. Only this time, it'll be on my turf, with my rules… and an abundance of pretzels!"
"GET OVER THE CURSED PRETZELS ALREADY!!!!!!!!" Dulcinea screamed, eyes shut with the exertion of opening her mouth that wide.
"Alright, alright!" he held his hands up in protection, backing away. "But just remember what I told you…. One day…." He stopped walking, sinking into thought once more. "Actually, hey, how's tomorrow? That good for you?"
"GET OUT!!!!"
"So is that a yes?" He flashed another suave grin, then quickly ducked out the door behind his friend, just narrowly missing a shattering glass of pina colada. Dulcinea stood in the middle of the room, hair escaping her ponytail, chest heaving with angry breaths, with one non-alcoholic beverage in her hand, and the remnants of the other on her arms.
"That went rather well, dontcah think?" Sabin said from behind her. She turned slowly, seething with anger. He suddenly became very interested in wiping off the bar.
Dulcinea was woken the next day by an ogre of a bodyguard, who had let himself in her house.
"HEY! What are you doing in here!?" she shrieked, looking frantically for something, preferably blunt, to chuck at his head.
"You're wanted in the palace. Orders of the Emperor." The man ducked a pillow.
"What would the Emperor want with me?" she asked, momentarily forgetting her mission to deck the man in the face.
"Erm, well… apparently, you caused a great commotion in a bar last night…"
Her eyes widened with the memory. "Curses! He wasn't lying!"
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing." She crawled off the couch where she had been sleeping. "Tell me…. Was he, I mean, The Emperor… Was he angry when he sent for me?"
"I dunno." The man sighed, slumping. "I'm just a government puppet they use when they have dirty work no one else would do."
"Oh, that's too bad." She sympathized, craning her neck under the table to locate her shoe.
"It's not too bad," the man disagreed. "I mean, we get some great benefits…" as he began listing all the perks of being a Palace bodyguard, Dulcinea tried her best to think of an excuse for her behavior the night before. She woke up her little brother and slightly younger sister (who was, sadly, at that special age in which everything "sucks" and everyone "stinks like cheese").
"Why do we have to go with you?" the sister, one Palita by name, asked grumpily, trying to find clean clothes. "Spare poor Binko the brutality of your unlikely demise."
Binko, a bright eyed four year old, blinked. "Is the Emperor gonna cut off your head?"
"Of course not!" Dulcinea said nervously, shoving his chubby feet into sandals. "He, uh… just wants to say hello to me."
"But if he does cut off your head…"
"He's not going to cut off my head."
"But if he does… Can we keep it?"
"Sure. We could stuff it and use it as a memorandum of "The Night My Idiot Sister Threw Pina Coladas at the Emperor." Palita muttered dryly.
"Come on…" Dulcinea said, forcing herself to stay calm, for Binko's sake, though he seemed more intrigued by the whole decapitation process to notice much else.
When they returned to the living room, the ogre was still listing on his fingers. "…and then there's the great dental benefits!" he said cheerfully.
"We're ready." Dulcinea broke in, Binko on her hip. The ogre, looking lost for a moment as he tried to regain his train of thought, nodded slowly.
"Well ok then. Come on." He led them outside, where a great processional had been waiting. After climbing inside a large (and spacious!) caddy, they were whisked away towards the palace and, if Binko's thoughts had anything to do with it, a decapitation.
"Welcome to Kuzcotopia, home of the Kuzcotopians, the #1 River Dance team in the country," the ogre said mightily as the entered the expansive front hall. "No flash photography or videotaping is permitted and please, no feeding the servants." He leaned closer to Dulcinea. "They're on a strict diet, y'know."
"Ah." Was her only reply.
They stood in front of two large and impressively decorated doors. The ogre knocked, a type of "shaves and a haircut" pattern, which was followed by a cheerful "Come in!", which was soon followed by a noise that sounded suspiciously like someone being whacked upside the head, which was followed by a "I mean, Two Bits!"
"Try to remember that!" a voice hissed as the doors swung open. Dulcinea's heart sank as she saw dozens of axe-wielding guards in a filed line towards a huge throne, upon which sat the scrawny Emperor himself. Next to him was the rounded man, who looked quite nauseous. Dulcinea could sympathize.
"I brought you the Bar Wench!" The ogre announced proudly, jutting out his chest. Kuzco tossed him a cookie treat, and the ogre promptly took his place in the ranks.
"Ah…. Bar Wench… How lovely to see you…" Kuzco drawled, fingers tented together.
"Are you gonna cut off my sisters head!?" Binko asked excitedly.
"Wha!?" Kuzco, startled from his train of intimidation, sat up.
"He's kinda cute," Palita whispered to Dulcinea. Dulcinea raised an eyebrow at her sister's reckless abandonment of her tirade of "The Emperor smells like cheese. He sucks. If he kills you, I'll call him a Cheese Head forever." Palita blushed and lowered her eyes.
"What my brother meant, Your Highness," Dulcinea forced herself to say, "was… well… what is my punishment?"
"Punishment!?"
"I do expect you to have a punishment for me," Dulcinea explained patiently. "I'd hope for something other than a Pretzel Quest, but quite frankly, I'll go for anything at the moment."
Kuzco, a disbelieving look on his face, turned to his friend. "Pacha! They're already on the punishment! I had the whole intimidating introduction to go through still!"
"Erm… skip it this time. Use it later." Pacha advised.
"Alright, I will… But I'm tellin' ya… It was a good one." Kuzco allowed himself a moment to pout, before standing up. "You're punishment," he announced, using his scary deep voice, "is that you will henceforth be banned from Bar Wenching for the rest of your life, seeing as you can't handle yourself properly on the bar scene."
Dulcinea narrowed her eyes, trying to discern any tone of jest in the Emperor's voice. "You mean to tell me… You're banning me from my job?"
"Precisely. No more unsuspecting patrons will be pelted with pina coladas at your expense!"
"But what am I supposed to do for a living!? I have three mouths to feed here!"
"Tell your parents to get a job."
"My parents are dead, Your Highness. Have been for three years."
"Ooooh, ouchie." Kuzco made a face. "I apologize."
"Not your fault. Freak accident, really. Involving a herd of goats, I believe."
"Well then… go work at the Meat Hut."
"But Your Highness… Have you seen the grease in that place!? I'd forever smell like gravy!"
"Ah, yes, I can see that would present questions of the sanitary nature…" He thought some more. Pacha cleared his throat, causing the young Emperor to look towards him. Their eyes met, and at once, he was struck with a vision. "Idea!" he cried out happily, doing a llama dance.
"One can only guess at what it could be," Dulcinea muttered under her breath at the Emperor's spectacle.
"You'll work here! For me!" he continued his dancing, looking very smug. "Settled at last! You start today! Oh, I found the solution! I'm so happy!"
"But…" her mouth dropped open and, in a momentarily loss of muscle power, she dropped Binko. "I… I mean, I can't… wait a second…"
"Boo-yea! Got me a new man-servant!"
"I don't believe this…"
"Look at me and my bad punishment-servin' self," he crooned on, ignoring her fish-like reaction. "Uh huh., uh huh. Uh huh uh huh uh huh."
As the realization of her new life sank in, Dulcinea dropped to her knees in agony. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." She wailed.
"Er… are you quite finished?" a young woman (who had appeared mysteriously from out of no where) asked softly. Dulcinea looked up at her concerned face.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed again. Then, with a smile, she stood up. "Ok. Now I'm finished."
And off they went to begin their new life in the palace.