"Welllll, here we are, All God's Village!" Kramer looked around with a huge grin and inhaled deeply. "Smell that fresh, mountain air?"
George glanced at him askance. "Actually…seems a bit stale to me…"
"…Yeah I thought so too…" Kramer coughed. "Agh, well, anyway, Georgy-Boy, where do you want to go first?"
"Are you sure this is even a tourist destination?" George frowned.
"What?" Kramer frowned. "Well, of course it is! You see all those fires lit on the hillside, they wouldn't have bothered lighting them if they didn't anyone finding the place. This village has some dark history..."
"Oh, it's dark alright…" George smiled. "Dark, very dark. Almost, suspiciously, completely dark. No sun…No moon…just….dark…" he looked at Kramer…" and who else, but you, would choose this village, to come and visit?"
"Well…you did, sweet cheeks." Kramer pointed out.
George stared at him with a grim smile. "To think, I could be living the high life with Jerry and Elaine…all the way over in Tokyo…"
"Nah, you don't want to be there, George!" Kramer put his hands on his hips. "You know what they're probably doing now? Do you? Well I'll tell you; they're probably lounging around, playing pachinko, drinking cocktails and getting over-priced massages!"
"And that's bad?" George cocked an eyebrow.
"Yes, yes it is." Kramer nodded. "Why do you think we came to Japan George? To…do what we could have done back in America? No! We came here to immerse ourselves in the culture, and how better, than by visiting a quaint, country town, chatting with some geishas and drinking some good quality, cleansing green tea, huh?" He pointed and winked. "You see, that's where it's at!"
"Well," George turned around, surveying their surroundings. "I'm not seeing any geishas or tea where we're at. Got any ideas?"
"Well," Kramer faltered. "We have to enter the village before we can partake of its bounty…come on, this way…that house there, you see, there's lights on…probably means someone's in…"
They walked over to the house. Kramer opened the door and walked inside. "Gomen kudasai?" He called. George grabbed him.
"What are you a nut? You can't just barge into people's houses and yell! What the hell did you say anyway?"
"Well…I'm not really sure…" Kramer admitted with a grin, "something I heard a guy in a Japanese movie say when he stepped into a house…but hey, don't worry, it's the culture here. So long as we don't step beyond this little area here, by the door, we'll be fine."
There was silence. The house creaked.
"Yeah." George quipped. "Fine." He looked at Kramer and waved his hands. "Does this look fine to you?"
"Well, maybe they're all out the back…" Kramer muttered, stepping further inside. Walking over to a door, he opened it. There was darkness. Before he could close it again, a woman's face leered out of the shadows, black and blue, her expression dead and unblinking.
The men clutched each other tightly. George cried out in panic. Kramer went into spasms. "Yamahama it's fright night!" Without a backwards glance, they bolted back outside and slammed the door shut. "Wrong house…" Kramer gasped, breathing hard.
They heard distant sounds; mumbling, shuffling.
"What is that?" George wondered aloud. He peered around the corner, and did a double take. "Kramer!"
"Huh?" Kramer looked over and staggered back with a shrill shriek. They both turned and ran.
"Did you see that, did you?" George demanded as they took refuge behind a broken down house and a well.
"Yeah, yeah I saw it! I saw it!" Kramer cried. "Oh Mama! I don't like ghosts!"
"Who does?" George snarled.
For a moment, Kramer looked thoughtful. "That girl Jerry was dating recently…Jen…Jeane…" he clicked his fingers. "Joey! Boy, was she a goth!" He grinned, nodding.
"Kramer!" George shook Kramer by his collar. "You brought us to a haunted village, now whatta you gonna do?"
"Me…me? Why should I be the one to figure it out?" Kramer protested.
"Because you're the one who brought us here!" George snapped. "If it weren't for you I'd be in Tokyo relaxing and getting drunk, not getting chased in the dark by pitchfork-wielding ghosts!"
"Well I didn't twist your arm!" Kramer returned loudly.
"Kramer!" George almost exploded.
"Dare, anatatachi?" A voice asked. The men peered around slowly, fearful of what they might find. What they saw made them both sigh in relief.
A teenage Japanese girl stood nearby, with an old fashioned camera in her hands.
"There, you see, George?" Kramer remarked triumphantly, "A fellow tourist! Say cheese!" Kramer flashed a peace sign, and in alarm, the girl drew away and snapped a picture. The two men staggered away, blinking and rubbing their eyes.
"Whoa…" Krammer mumbled…"That's a strong flash…" He grinned and almost fell over.
"Dare nano?" The girl demanded, looking quite flustered, she raised her camera again and George rushed to Kramer.
"Can't you talk to her? You know some Japanese!"
"Only what I've seen on TV!" Kramer answered.
"What about that phrasebook you bought at the airport?"
"Oh, hey yeah…" Kramer grinned. "Forgot all about it…" With an absurd smile at the girl, he suavely reached into his pocket and withdrew the book. The girl watched him with mounting suspicion.
"Ano…ah…watashi…" he gestured to himself…"watashi wa…Kramer…desu…" he frowned. "No…that doesn't sound right…"
"Kurema?" The girl frowned. "Okashii namae…ne, Kurema-san, nande koko ni iru? Abunai tokoro da! Nigeta houga ii!"
"What's she saying?" George demanded.
"Um…well…she's…obviously…trying to tell us…something…" Kramer licked his lips, and scratched his head as he leafed through the booklet.
"All right, that's it!" The girl watched, appalled, as George snatched the booklet away and flicked through its pages himself. "Um…Sumimasen…eigo…hanasemasu ka?"
"Sukoshi…" the girl faltered.
"Sukoshi?" George repeated, looking through the book "…now…what does that mean?"
"It means a little." Kramer interrupted.
"Yes. Little." The girl nodded. "I can speak little…in English."
"Well, you're very talented." George smiled.
The girl cocked her head.
George cleared his throat and drew nearer her. "So…what's the deal with this place huh? You a tourist? Is this part of the package? Is it staged? Is it meant to happen?"
The girl stared at him, utterly lost. "Tsuuristo? Tsuuristo ja nai! Not tsuuristo!"
"No, no, George!" Kramer snatched the booklet back from him. "You're using way too difficult words, she'll never understand all that!" Opening up to a new page, he said slowly, and very badly pronounced, "Onamae wa? Naze koko ni imasu ka?"
"Atashi wa Mio, oneesan o sagashite irunda!" The girl retorted.
"Oneesan?" Kramer grinned, "I know that word…older sister…she's looking for her older sister. And no, she's not a tourist. And her name's Mio."
George stared at Kramer impatiently. "And the ghosts?"
"Bakemono wa?" Kramer asked.
Mio glowered at them, highly agitated. "Bakemono wa, bakemono da! Joodan ja nai!" With a groan of frustration, she tried to run off, but George caught her by the arm.
"Hang on, hang on…Mio…or whatever your name is…we just need to talk…a little bit more…"
Mio fought back violently. "Aa! Hanase! HA-NA-SE!!! Hentai da! HENTAI!!!"
"What's she saying?" George asked, struggling with the teen.
"She's calling you a pervert." Kramer said casually.
"What?" George let Mio go in shock. "Pervert…I'm not a pervert! Um…hentai…ja nai!" He glanced at Kramer. "Was that right?"
"Yeah, you said 'I'm not a pervert'."
"I did?" George grinned. "Really?"
"Really." Kramer nodded.
"Wow…" George smirked. "I'm getting kinda into this Japanese…"
But Mio was far from amused. Fearful now of both ghosts and a pair of lecherous Americans, she glowered at them, too afraid to go near them, yet, on the other hand, too reluctant to leave their company…they were, after all, very definitely alive…
After an awkward silence, Mio drew near them again, coming to the conclusion that living lechers were better company than vengeful undead…if only by a little…
From the shadows, a lone figure watched the trio, frowning. This was highly irregular…those two foreigners might get in the way of the ritual…just like all outsiders did…
Pouting, Sae stalked away, considering her next move…