Impurities

Before and during 4.22. AT in which Winchester boys are fighting against Lilith together. Includes dark memories from Dean's past, Sam's remorse, a fearsome army Lilith trying to bring to earth and an unexpected help the boys receiving. Rated M for the language, slash, incest, child abuse… the whole nine yard. Sequel to Pure.

A/N: This story line shares Hendrickson's assumption on how daddy Winchester treated their kids. So if you are a big John W. fan, this might not be your cup of tea.

Chapter 1- All things considered

Season 1, Episode 14: Nightmare

SAM: Well, he could've gone a whole 'nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon-hunting, and we would've had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay—thanks to him. (DEAN pauses.)

DEAN: All things considered.

The door opened very slowly but it was enough to wake young Dean Winchester up. His sleep was always light when he was alone with his little brother; gotta protect Sammy. He got tense under his blanket, grasped the blade under the pillow and tried to see the intruder in stealth mode. He let go of the blade when he recognized the dark silhouette. Apparently he was back from the hunt. It had been a while, almost three months, since Dean had the last late night visit. He had assumed it was over for good. But the very presence of the 200 pounds' adult combined with the heavy smell of tequila proved otherwise.

Dean was not sure if he could overpower him again, like he had done the last time. He was not a kid anymore, he was strong... Yeah, right! He knew that the last time he was just plain lucky; apparently too high alcohol/blood ratio could affect even the best hunters. Assuming that it could happen again would be naive if not foolish. And this time Sam was not staying with Pastor Jim; he was sleeping in the bed next to his. There was no way fighting his way out of this visit without waking up his brother.

Dean shot his eyes tight, barely breathing, trying to think an action plan but failing miserably. The panic was overtaken him. It was inevitable; he knew. The only thing he could do now was trying to relax. He started counting the creatures he had hunted –OK, helped hunting- chronologically; starting with his very first hunt, 25 years old ghost of a house wife in Craig, Colorado. Her husband had killed her by accident(!) and she had been taking revenge on every man who happened to drink some booze and hapless enough to got close to her old house. Typical salt and burn. The second, Rawhead in Worland, Wyoming; that monster had killed 4 kids by the time they could catch it. Electrocution. The third, Chatham, Virginia; ghost of a butcher. It was the most disgusting hunt Dean had ever been, he ended up covered with animal blood and entangled in pig intestine. Disgusting! Another salt and burn but they had to figure out where the guy's missing arm was, thus not so typical …

Dean stopped counting. His blanket was supposed to be lifted by now. The curiosity overcame his fear and he slightly opened his eyes to peek around. No one was next to his bed. So, had he left? Dean turned his head very slowly to check the rest of the room. Nope, he was still in the room; but standing next to Sam's bed instead; watching the sleeping youngster. Dean's heart started to beat extremely fast and loud. He tried to comprehend the situation. Sam? Was he planning to visit Sam! No! Not him!

The horror he felt turned into a blast of anger in less than a second when he saw the strong arm reaching for Sam's blanket. Without thinking, Dean bolt from the bed and caught the arm before it could touch his kid brother. He saw the surprise in the drunken eyes; but it lasted very short, turning into infuriation immediately. Before he could even realize, Dean's arm was caught and painfully bended on his back by a tight grip which was impossible to loosen. But Dean held his ground. There was no way he would let him visit his brother. Sam was just a kid for God's sake!

"No, sir! I won't let you." Dean dared to whisper. He received only a cocky half smile. The smile, being brutally cold, could have frozen Dean's blood if the worry for his brother was not blocking all his other senses. Sam was in danger and everything else got to be on hold. He did not take his eyes from the man's bloodshot ones; trying to give his most determined, toughest look.

"You're in no position to 'let me' do anything, boy." the man answered, sharp and tenacious. No room for discussion. He added "Go to sleep. Now!"

Dean was aware of his chances; his lack of chance to be exact. There was no way he could stop the older man by brute force. No way. Dean was a great fighter for a 15 years' old; very agile, strong. But he was nothing compared to the guy who taught him everything. Yet, there was no fucking way he was going to let his baby brother go through this nightmare. No fucking way!

"Go to sleep son; this is an order." said John, thrusting his older son into his bed.

The lack of patience in the voice hit Dean's stomach like a punch. What was he supposed to do now? John could beat the hell out of him and continue to do whatever he had in mind. Yes, his father was drunk –he would not be visiting if he was not, he would never- but not enough to pass out easy; only enough to make him visit. And Dean would not be any help for his brother if beaten to a pulp which would be the exact outcome under the current condition -if they engaged into a fight.

'Think, God damn it, think!' Dean forced himself silently; 'It's no time to panic!'

When he saw his dad was going towards Sam's bed again, Dean made his decision. He rushed between them and hugged the man, his hands caressing the large body. Whispered to his ears as seductive as he could be.

"Please sir, I wanna come with you… to your room. Please?" He might not be strong enough, but he knew he was fucking pretty. Still. Hell, he was reminded of his allure every single day. He might not be a little boy anymore, but he was told –so many fucking times- that he had a face of an angel. Still.

The older man eyed him carefully, an amused grin dripping from his lips.

"You sure? Last time you said you'll never let me touch you again. Actually, 'I'll kill you if you touch me again' was your exact words."

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again… ever." replied Dean, leaning his head to the broad chest. He made sure his breath flew through the guy's sweaty neck and added, while rubbing himself over the older man's crotch hoping to secure a positive respond, "Just... let's not wake Sammy up, sir. Please."

There was no answer, only a tight grip on his neck dragging him out of the room.

Dean tried not to panic when he was thrown to his father's bed. He hit his head to the headboard, hard; but there was no regret or sympathy in the older hunter's eyes. And that really scared the boy. His dad was angry; OK, angrier than his usual, drunk, visiting self.

"You know you deserved a punishment; right, boy?" John asked; his drunken eyes had a creepy spark in them. "A punishment long due."

"Yes sir." Dean answered, barely audible. He had learned it through hard way that it would only be worse if he tried to resist or object or anything else other than complete submission.

"You think so high of yourself, aren't you boy. You think you can take me? You think you can disobey me and deceive me, huh! I'll show you your value now, so that you'll learn your damn place and think twice before you disobey a direct order."

"Yes sir." Dean was scared, very scared. It was not that he had not been punished before; he had, almost every month. But, punishments had been only for some stupid, small mistakes which were actually mere excuses. There was never a reason to make his father really angry at Dean; Dean made sure of it. He made sure all the orders were realized to the point; except for that one time in Fort Douglas… Dean shivered with the memory; did not want to remember that adversity; the first punishment. And now, he made his father really angry; again after all these years. He only hoped it would not be as bad as Fort Douglas. But he also knew he had to pay for that last fight with his father, for the disobedience and threat. Why did he threaten him, why?

"Please sir…" pleaded Dean, without knowing what he was begging for.

"Don't open your mouth, unless you're asked to!" John growled.

Dean kept his mouth shot. His father was angry alright; no need to fan the flames. All he could do now was to wait, wait till the anger to fade away or the man to pass out; whichever would come first.

"Take your shirt off" John ordered.

Dean compiled as fast as he could. And seeing his father was removing his belt, he understood the next move. He knelt down next to the bed and rested his head against it without waiting the order. And started counting the hunts he had helped. First, Craig, Colorado…

When he was back to his bed it was close to dawn. He was damn tired, and his whole body was in pain, in grim agony. He knew his back was bloody; his shirt was stuck to his body. But the pain in his ass was overshadowing the rest; he could barely manage to walk. Determined to never make his father angry again, he pushed himself under his blanket face first and sought for the sleep to calm his body, his soul. It was only then that he realized his brother was up, staring at him.

"Sammy?" Dean asked; his breath was hardly enough to whisper. But there was no answer. Sam got up and moved to his brother's bed slowly. He sat next to him never taking his hazel eyes off Dean. Dean did not know what to think, too tired to think. How long was his brother up? Did he know what was going on? Was he scared…? But before Dean could gather his strength and ask the questions filling his head, Sam's face started to change. It was deforming, reforming and growing.

"Sam?" He asked again with adrenalin pumping into his blood stream; trying to rise up over his elbows. Sam was no longer that cute 11 years' old boy. He was a grown up, a big man; he was freaking gigantic! But somehow Dean knew he was his brother. He was Sam; but the look on his face was cold and scary; different. Dean panicked when the eyes staring at him turned to pitch black.

"Sam, no! No!" His voice was cracked and hoarse due to the panic. There was no way he could yell loud enough to reach his father. Even if he could, John was long passed out in his sweat and cum tainted bed. There was no way that the hunter could wake up anytime soon. Dean was alone, tired and already –literally- fucked up. There was no way he could pull a fight.

The old-Sam got close enough for Dean to recognize the lust in the black eyes. He held the effete boy tight and lay down over him. Dean saw blood was dripping from Sam's teeth. Whose blood was it? Was it his blood, when did he suck his blood? Something was wrong, definitely wrong! No, no! This was not how it had happened; Dean remembered now. Sam, the little Sam, his kid brother, had come to his bed and hugged him and helped him to sleep. He had not ceased hugging his older brother till Dean woke up the next day. It was not supposed to be like this. No, not like this. This was a nightmare. Yes, it had to be a nightmare. He had to wake up.

'Wake up, Dean! Wake up' he chanted inside his head. But, just… could not. He was suffocating under the giant body. And he felt an enormous hand pushing into his underwear.

"No, no. Noooo!"

XXX

"Dean! Dean… wake up." Sam touched slightly on his brother's pillow, careful not to have a physical contact. Dean was having a nightmare, and it was not one of those that Dean brought back from hell; Sam was in it. He knew that for sure when his brother covered his eyes just not to see Sam's face. It always took some time for Dean to look at his brother after those nightmares. So, Sam knew. He knew that Dean saw himself raped by his blood thirsty younger brother. Again.

"It's just a nightmare Dean. Everything is alright." he only had cliché words to offer. He could not touch his brother, let alone hug him. Not right after the nightmare, not while Dean was avoiding even his gaze, keeping his eyes under his scarred arm. Sam's eyes locked on the scars. They took a damn long time to heal; the indubitable evidence of his greatest sin.

Dean wanted to say something, to get rid of the horror inside him, divert his thoughts; but could not. His heart was beating so hard that it was impossible to focus. He hated these dreams; hated waking up scared shitless, hated the guilt in Sam's look, hated how he could not even look at his only brother. He knew it was not exactly Sam's fault. Poor chap had been under a spell – a spell gone seriously wrong. And it was over now, Sam was his old self. Even the priestess, who originally had not gotten close to Sam unless he had been literally chained, had said so. And Dean knew that his brother was killing himself with remorse. He hated constantly reminding him his past transgressions; but could not help the nightmares or the terror he felt afterward.

Sam broke the silence, "We're gonna make Lilith pay, Dean. For every pain she caused. Don't worry." pretending as if he assumed it was a nightmare from Dean's time in hell. "We're gonna find the bitch and I'm gonna cut her throat myself." Sam needed this anger in him; otherwise he was going to fall deep in the remorse and most probably would take his brother with him.

Dean did not respond. He had nothing good to say. He already had lost his hope of finding Lilith or stopping the seal breaking or going back to their old lives or simply being OK. He lost all his hopes. But sharing his broken world with his brother was not going to help either one of them. So, he agreed with his brother, nodding his head.

Sam felt his brother's despair. It was impossible to miss even if he had not known Dean like the back of his hand. They had no leads for Lilith or the seals. There were small demonic omens here and there; some jobs to pass the day but nothing else. The angels were not showing up; and even if they did, Sam was not sure how the things would be between them after what happened with Cass. And Ruby was off limits after the cleansing ritual. Dean probably would kill her the moment he saw her; maybe Sam should do the same, even if it was only to make his brother happy. It was only the two of them now, and Bobby of course. Although they were hell of hunters, Lilith proved that she was a bigger bite than they could swallow. Still, Sam could not let go. Not after everything they had been through… Dean had been through. He was not joking about killing that bitch. Even if it was the last thing he would do, he was going to kill her. But right now, his brother needed him.

"Wanna go for a ride?"Sam asked, absent of any better idea to offer.

"What? It's… it's like 3am?"

"So…? You're not sleeping. I'm not either. We could watch infomercials and drink some booze or-"

"Let's go." Dean liked the idea of driving his baby. He liked the idea of driving her with his brother even more. Even after that horrifying dream, feeling Sam close by soothed him.

After driving about half an hour, Dean stopped the car in the middle of nowhere. It was peacefully quite. The weather was nice; a soft breeze was blowing between the trees. Dean looked at his brother; Sam understood the request without a word. He got out of the car and grabbed two cold beers from the trunk. They both lay on the hood of the Impala side to side, and drank their beer quietly watching the stars.

After the second beer Sam slid his head closer to Dean's till their hair was slightly mingled over the windshield; but he was careful not to actually touch. He inhaled his brother's familiar scent in, very slowly; did not want Dean to realize what he was doing, did not want to bother him or scare him. But he needed this closeness. His heart ached constantly with the longing that he could no longer get close to his only brother as he used to. No more hugs, hand jokes, wrestling or tussling… It had been a month since that horrible day; the day he had broken his brother, the invincible Dean Winchester. It still broke his heart even though Dean -being the most wonderful big brother ever- had actually forgiven him; or at least, he was putting hell of an act. If it was not for Dean's forgiveness and his need for his younger brother, Sam had probably killed himself on the general principle of punishing his brother's tormentor. He remembered the first time he had learnt –felt, lived- his father's abuse on his big brother. He had felt Dean's pain, the hopelessness, despair, helplessness… At that time, he would have killed John without blinking an eye if the man was not already dead. And, not a week later, he had proved that he was indeed his father's son. Maybe he should have done it, one bullet in his head and...

"Sammy?"

Dean's voice brought him back to the present.

"Hmm?"

"You're grinding your teeth, dude. Calm down a little or we'll need to search for a dentist in the middle of the apocalypse."

Sam puzzled, was he grinding his teeth? Now? So much for keeping his burden away from his brother!

"Sammy…"

Sam looked at his brother, waiting.

Dean continued; his eyes glued to the stars above them, "Thank you, man. This… tonight, I mean…is nice."

And without waiting his brother's response he closed the tiny gap between their heads; leaning his head on his brother's, after gently rubbing their temples together. Sam felt his heart swelled with the tenderness of the act. He just shut his eyes and immersed himself in the blessing of the moment.

XXX

Sam got in their room, his hands full with the junk food.

"I got the pie, dude!"

Dean was not sleeping as Sam had thought he would; but shoving their stuff in the duffel bag.

"Dean?"

"Bobby called. Some signs… another seal is about to 'pufff'..."

"Where we going?"

"Sweet home Alabama!" replied Dean, humming Lynyrd Skynyrd's famous song.

Sam grimaced with the sudden realization of what their soundtrack was going to be for this trip.

When they settled in the car Sam asked the rest of the questions.

"So, what's it this time?"

"Oh, this time it's biiiiiiiig."

"Cut the crap Dean, come clean already." Sam knew Dean was enjoying this, keeping his younger brother in the dark, keeping him wondering, begging. Perks of being the big brother, Dean would say.

"Just trying to ease you into the news." Dean answered with a stupid grin on his face. He checked his brother with one eye and continued after seeing that very familiar frustration. "Ready? The news is from Anna by the way. Apparently Lilith is bringing new playmates." He paused for few seconds to emphasize the magnitude of his disclosure. "Gog and Magog!"

"What?" Sam could not hide his surprise; as much as he wanted to avoid giving his brother this satisfaction.

"Told you it's big!" Dean's grin got impossibly wider.

"You telling me they are real."

"Anna and Bobby think so… so, yeah; they gotta be."

Both brothers sank into their thoughts. After a while Sam broke the silence.

"It's good to have someone else in our side, huh? I wonder where she had been all this time."

Dean shrugged his shoulders. His trust in the angles was really shaken after they caught Cass trying to free Sam from the panic room.

"I don't know. I quit trying to understand angels, man; they're impossible."

XXX

After the long drive Dean could only find enough patience to strip his clothes before getting into the cheap motel bed. At least this one smelled nice; very faint, some kind of lilacy detergent scent. He gave one short gaze to his brother, seeing him settled on the desk in front of his laptop.

"Way to go Sammy. Finish all the research before I wake up, OK?"

"Sleep already… Jerk!"

"Bitch!"

And Dean slept, with a grin on his face. Sam stared at that grin for a while. It has been a long time he saw his brother like this... happy. Yes, he was happy; he was grinning, joking, smiling... Sam was glad for Dean; but he was a little bit jealous too. He wanted to be the one who helped Dean, to be the reason behind his smile, his happiness. But nothing he had tried jolt him into this state, and boy, had he tried. Suddenly, with a big hunt, Dean transformed back into his old self; almost. Sam was suspecting whether this change was due to the help of a specific angel whom Dean had shared a little intimacy while back. And as much as he wanted not to acknowledge it, the very idea was blurring his heart with jealousy. He preferred to believe that Dean was happy now because there was one more 'creature' in their crusade against Lilith and not because 'who' the creature actually was. Was he, was he jealous of Anna? Damn!

Sam sighed deeply looking at his brother's relaxed features. Who cared what the reason was? Why would he be jealous of a girl/angel/creature/whatever anyway? He wanted Dean to be happy. God! He needed him to be happy. And if he could not succeed on the task, he would welcome anyone who could; right? Right. So, if Dean was going to feel better with whomever/whatever, Sam would go snatch them and bring to his brother… gladly. He would do anything to see this blissful smile on this pretty face… anything. And now, he was going to do the research as Dean had asked.

TBC…

A/N: I could not find a beta for this story and after waiting about a month, decided to go un-betad. I'm sorry for the mistakes, they are all mine. There will be 4 more chapters and if anyone willing to give it a try and beta for the rest of the story, please PM me.

And as always, reviews are like thin sliced key-lime pie; I can't get enough.