Disclaimer: I own nothing related to "Corpse Bride" or its characters.

I. The Van Dorts

"Well, it's about bloody time!" Nell Van Dort exclaimed, slapping her folded fan against her knee. "Honestly Victor, we was beginning to think there was something wrong with you!"

"Quite true," William agreed. "How long's it been now since you were married? Five years?"

Victor and Victoria glanced at each other. "Three, Father," Victor said. This really wasn't the reaction they had been hoping for. On their arrival at Victor's parent's home, both Victor and Victoria had practically been bursting with their news. Over tea, sitting on Nell's plush, ostentatious parlor furniture, Victor had proudly made the announcement: By October, he and Victoria would be parents.

They'd sort of duped themselves into believing that there would be hearty congratulations and embraces. Maybe even some happy tears. In short, a repeat of the scene they themselves had had at home when they'd discovered that Victoria was expecting. Probably, that kind of reaction was a bit too much to expect from Victor's parents.

"I must say it's a relief to know we're finally going to get some heirs out of this," Nell said. She leaned toward Victoria. Without bothering to lower her voice, she added, "Frankly, I'm surprised you managed to get my Victor to do anything. God knows everything frightens the boy, and I wouldn't think that that would be any exception."

"Mother!" Victor groaned, mortified, as Victoria gaped. For all her airs, Victor's mother hadn't quite grasped the concept of polite conversation. Even while aiming at mingling with the elite, Nell still had the habit of speaking in the rough, blunt manner she'd grown up using. She made a valiant, over-the-top effort to be genteel most of the time, but she often let herself slip when in the privacy of her own home. Most of the time these "slips" caused Victor a great deal of embarrassment, and managed to make everybody in the room uncomfortable.

"Now, now," Victor's father said in a soothing tone. "Let's not get all worked up."

"No one's worked up, William!" Nell snapped. "I was just stating a plain fact, is all."

"All right, dear, all right," William replied. He turned to Victor and Victoria and smiled. "By the way, did we remember to say 'congratulations'?" he asked.

"You've said it now," Victoria smiled, as Victor puffed himself up proudly. "And thank you."

"Well, I'm sure we could all chatter on all day, but I am entertaining some very important people this evening. Was that all, then?" Nell asked, effectively cutting the short pleasant moment even shorter. Taking the hint, Victor and Victoria rose to leave.

"Thank you very much for the visit," Victor said. The two of them stood there, feeling a little awkward as Victor's parents stared at them. What were they waiting for? Victor wondered vaguely if he was supposed to ask who these very important people were that his mother was entertaining, but he really didn't care. He was sure he'd hear all about it eventually, anyway.

"I suppose we'll be going, then," Victoria finally said. Taking Victor's arm, she started for the entry hall.

"Wait!" Nell cried. Startled, Victor and Victoria stopped and turned around, wondering what the matter was. "I need to call the butler to see you out," Nell explained in a very haughty manner. "It ain't proper in the least for you to just walk out the door."

She glanced about the room, as though searching for something. What she was looking for, Victor hadn't any idea. All he knew was that two hours was enough time to spend in his parents' company, and he was anxious to be out of there. Still, he stood patiently as his mother grew more harassed-looking. Finally she turned to her husband.

"William, where the devil is the bell-pull?"

"Bell-pull?"

"Yes, you imbecile, to call the butler with!"

"Ah, that bell-pull. Haven't installed one yet, dear."

"Oh, well that's just fine," Nell said. Standing up, she continued, "I'll just have to do it the old-fashioned way, then." She took a deep breath, and in the shrillest tone imaginable, yelled at the top of her voice, "TIGGENS!"

Victor, Victoria, and William all winced, covering their ears. Nell gave a very delicate cough and straightened the lace on her collar. Soon enough there were footsteps in the hall, and Tiggens appeared in the doorway. He stared at the four in the parlor with that dazed look he always had, and took an opportunity to eye Victoria up and down. The man looked a bit scruffy to be a butler, what with his frazzled gray hair and slightly off-putting aura of...well, daftness. According to Nell, Tiggens was quite a bargain--he worked for hardly half of what butlers were usually paid, for one thing. Why Nell had decided to try and be thrifty when hiring help was a mystery, considering the way she tossed money about on everything else. Victor had the suspicion that Tiggens was part of some sort of new inmate-release program from the local penitentiary. It would explain a lot.

"Yes, ma'am?" Tiggens asked. Nell folded her arms across her chest, tapped her foot, and scowled. "Er, I mean...milady?" Victor rolled his eyes. His mother would demand that her legion of servants address her as a titled woman, whether she had a title or not.

Satisfied, Nell said in her most genteel and stuffy manner, "Please show Mr. and Mrs. Van Dort to the door, Tiggens."

Tiggens paused, looking confused. He glanced back and forth from Victor and Victoria to Nell and William. Catching on to the problem, Nell heaved an irritated sigh and snapped,

"My son and his wife, you dolt!"

"Ah, of course, ma...milady." Victor and Victoria joined Tiggens in the doorway, said a final goodbye to Victor's parents, and the three of them moved out into the entry hall. Victor noticed that the butler seemed a bit too eager to grab Victoria's elbow and guide her to the door, so he quickly stepped between them. Tiggens looked disappointed. He looked even more disappointed when Victor insisted on helping Victoria on with her wrap himself.

Finally Victor and Victoria made it out into the street, where their carriage was waiting. After handing Victoria in, Victor looked up at the driver, Mr. Reed.

Mr. Reed was the older gentleman who served as Victor and Victoria's driver and general male servant. His wife, Mrs. Reed, was the cook and housekeeper. Neither Victor nor Victoria had any desire to employ a large staff, so they more than happily made do with the amiable Reeds. Besides, not a lot of people were willing to work for Victor and Victoria--the two of them had something of a reputation in the village as, to put it mildly, a couple of odd ducks. This reputation grew, of course, from Victor's semi-marriage to a dead woman and the mysterious sudden death of Victoria's first husband. It didn't matter, though. People treated them civilly enough to their faces, out of consideration for who their parents were. And Mr. and Mrs. Reed didn't seem to care one way or another what was said about their employers--in fact, they'd only moved to the village last year, looking for work. Victor had hired them immediately. The four of them got along famously. The Reeds had become, in some sense, less like servants than sort of surrogate parents for Victor and Victoria. In fact, it had been Mrs. Reed who'd been the one to realize that Victoria was pregnant. Victor had gone out that very afternoon to buy the housekeeper a floral arrangement.

"The Everglots', please," Victor said. Reed tipped his hat by way of answer, and Victor climbed into the carriage and sat next to Victoria. As soon as they were settled, Victor tapped on the carriage roof, and they were off.

"That went well," Victoria remarked, grabbing the edge of the seat for balance as the carriage jolted pulling away from the curb. Victor looked at her. Was she being facetious? No, she looked sincere enough. Still, Victor sighed, and said,

"Victoria, I'd like to apologize for my mother. She..." But Victoria stopped him with a small wave of her hand.

"You needn't apologize, Victor. After all, it's been three years. I'm rather used to her now."

"Really?" Victor asked. He thought for a moment. "Would you mind telling me your secret? I've known her for twenty-two years, and I'm still not used to her."

Victoria laughed, and Victor joined in. Yet he was really only half-joking. He truly didn't understand how Victoria could manage to be in the same room with his mother for more than ten minutes. They were so different. And Nell Van Dort was certainly the diametric opposite of Victoria's mother when it came to deportment. Perhaps, Victor supposed, Victoria preferred any change of pace after living with Maudeline Everglot. He, for one, was terrified of the woman. How Victoria had turned out as pleasantly as she had with such parents was a mystery, but Victor was glad of it.

"Well in any case, I appreciate your making an effort with her," Victor said. "What did the two of you talk about while Father and I were in the study before tea?"

"Oh, this and that. Just chatting, really," Victoria answered. She smiled, and turned to Victor, eyes twinkling. "Is it really true that you were frightened of turtles when you were little?"

"How in the world did that come up?"

"Victor, I'm sure I couldn't possibly explain how your mother's mind works. One moment she was telling me about a new dress she was having made, and then she was talking about turtles," Victoria replied, obviously trying to contain her laughter. She pressed her fingers to her mouth and took a deep breath through her nose.

"Oh, don't hold back on my account, Victoria," Victor said, trying not to smile. "Laugh at me. I don't mind in the least."

And so she did. Victoria had an odd way of laughing, probably because she'd been discouraged from making any kind of unladylike noise for most of her life. She never laughed quite out loud, but kept her hand clasped over her mouth as she made odd squeaking noises in her throat. The sound always made Victor laugh as well. Quietly, though, so as not to draw too much attention to himself.

Finally Victoria took another deep breath, cleared her throat, and folded her hands in her lap.

"Please forgive me, Victor," she said, turning toward him. "That was terribly rude of me." Her eyes, though, were still dancing with suppressed amusement. Victor took her hand in his and smiled.

"No offense taken," he assured her. They were quiet for a moment, each of them looking out the windows of the carriage. Then Victoria looked at him sideways, and said quietly,

"But Victor, really--turtles?"

"I beg your pardon, but it's...well, it's...unsettling, the way they can pull their heads and legs into their shells. And besides, they bite, you know."

"Oh, Victor, they do not."

"Snapping turtles do," Victor said wisely. He held up his left hand and showed Victoria the small scar that ran along the base of his thumb. "The first turtle I ever met just happened to be a snapping turtle. I was seven, and I never went near the garden pond again."

"You poor thing. Your mother didn't mention that," Victoria said, looking at the scar. "I suppose you're justified in being frightened of turtles, then."

"Victoria, I am not afraid of turtles."

"Of course you're not."

"I just find them unsettling, as I said."

"Yes, I see the difference."

They were both quiet for a moment. We really do have some strange conversations, Victor thought to himself. Maybe that's what happens when you're with someone for a long time. Just last week, burned toast at teatime had somehow led to a very in-depth discussion of arsenic poisoning. Victor still wasn't sure how that had happened. Poison and turtles probably weren't the most traditionally romantic of topics, but Victor loved these odd conversations all the same. He knew Victoria did as well. Victor wondered how often they'd have opportunities to converse like this after the baby arrived. Conversational habits, though, were probably only one item on a long list of things that would change in his and Victoria's lives after the arrival of a new Van Dort. Still, the baby hadn't arrived yet, so Victor decided to make the most of the opportunity for odd talks while he could.

"Well, before you start thinking me completely silly, Victoria," he said, looking at her out of the corner of his eye, "I should point out that you're afraid of those Venus fly-trap plants," Victor couldn't help but chuckle a little when he felt Victoria shudder.

"Of course I'm afraid of them," she replied. "Victor, they're plants with teeth. Any plant that can physically eat an insect is just...it's..." she trailed off, trying to find the right word. Victor knew just the one.

"Unsettling?" he supplied.

"Yes, exactly," Victoria replied with a smile.

Their conversation was cut short as the carriage jolted to a stop in front of the Everglot mansion. Victor threw his arm in front of Victoria to keep her from pitching forward. In doing so he overbalanced himself, the momentum causing him to slide off the seat. He landed rather hard on his knees on the carriage floor. He'd have to talk to Mr. Reed about these jack-rabbit starts and stops, now that Victoria was in a delicate condition.

"Are you all right?" Victor asked, pulling himself back onto the seat.

"Yes, yes," Victoria said. Then she looked out of the carriage window at her childhood home. "Actually, no," she amended, gazing at the house. Victor patted her hand.

"Don't worry, everything will go very well, I think. I'm sure your parents will be...er...thrilled," Victor said lamely. "Thrilled" was an emotion that Victor doubted the Everglots felt very often, if ever. But nevertheless, it was only fair to deliver their big news in person, however much Victor would have preferred sending a telegram. Actually, Victor was rather surprised that the town crier hadn't somehow latched onto the news of the latest edition to the Van Dort clan. Doubtless the entire village would know by sundown.

Mr. Reed appeared at the carriage door and pulled it open. Victor watched as Victoria took a deep breath, and then nodded. With that, the two of them climbed out of the carriage and stood on the cobblestones, gazing at the huge front door.

"Why in the world am I so nervous about this?" Victoria asked, taking Victor's arm. Victor took a moment to decide whether or not the question was rhetorical. Finally he replied,

"The sooner we go in, the sooner we can leave, Victoria. Though we still have time to get back in the carriage and go home, if you're that bothered." As soon as the words left his mouth, Mr. Reed pulled the carriage away from the curb and was circling to the back of the house. "Never mind," Victor said, watching the carriage disappear around the corner.

"We'd best get this over with," Victoria said. "I do hope they at least pretend to be happy for us."

Victor nodded. He hoped so, as well. One would think that the prospect of grandchildren would be terribly exciting--but if the reactions of Victor's parents were anything to judge by, children were apparently not very big news.

As the two of them walked up the steps toward the front door, Victor patted Victoria's hand again, attempting to be reassuring. For her sake, he hoped that this visit would go a bit better than the last. After all, it seemed to make sense that a woman would need the most support from her mother when she was in the family way. Though, Victor realized, Lady Everglot was hardly the supportive type.

Oh well, Victor thought as he rang the doorbell. I'm here, anyway. I can be a help, I'm sure. He turned and gave Victoria a smile, and he was rather relieved when she returned it. There was a bit of a glint in her eye, however. It was the glint that had developed over the past couple of years whenever Victoria was steeling herself for a visit with her parents. She put a hand on her stomach and took a few deep breaths.

"Are you certain you're all right, Victoria?" Victor asked. He was rather concerned. A visit to her parents had never made Victoria hyperventilate before. But she waved his question off.

"Yes, I'm fine," Victoria said. She stood up a little straighter, and her expression took on a determined air as the door swung open in front of them.