The Acid White-Out

The Acid White-Out

Summary: Time warps, drugs, Goths, alcohol, volleyballs, clichés, and gayness abroad as the adolescent Bean scouts journey through China; God help us all.

This is the first 'Camp Lazlo' fiction ever written anywhere and to refute such a claim would be utter blasphemy! BLASPHEMY! Many a vengeance upon the unbelievers!!

Chapter 1-Carnage, Vagrants, and an Unnecessary Introduction

The sign when your life no longer resembles the vision you had is when your established territory disappears from the map. For Lazlo, this instant became apparently clear when the miserable 78-year spinster tells you to shave and get a job. In the few moments in his life, he drooped deep in the pocketed pores; to be succinct, he was feeling bored. The sensation of boredom can come from waiting at a train station for seven hours; he came all the way from Brazil to visit his beloved friends. Now it felt like he traveled so many miles just to see a baby spit up and two Irishmen fight; they're names were Sean Henessy and Peabrady combs and later in the hospital Sean learned much too late that Peabrady was his long lost brother. But back to the main story, Lazlo sensed that he might literally explode with boredom into meaty when his hope in life was restored and the train finally pulled up to the station. While the doors opened, he heard a familiar Indian accent, "That is the last time I'm riding this dump on wheels! You waiters are hideous and there are cockroaches everywhere!" It was Raj and Clam; and time surely did a number on them. Dressed in a denim jacket patched with obscure punk bands and a raver hat; five years and Raj looked more the king than he had been with well defined tusks some Indian dames would swoon were it not for their arranged marriages. As for the pygmy rhino Clam, he unfortunately remained the same height he kept years back; as if his parents put growth stunt hormones and just so happens they were, but at least his horn features were more defined and he looked more a rhino than some lizard-thing. A person couldn't have seen a happier kid for at least two blocks. "Raj! Clam! I thought you guys were gone forever!," he yelled as he hugs his two friends.

Raj shrugs him off, "Mahatmas Gandhi. Lazlo! We've only been gone for six months!"

"Over-reactive!," barks Clam, unfortunately wiping out a small village in eastern Brazil, thus proving a man's theory that each time a pygmy rhino child spoke, it would affect the universe in some chaotic manner; if only the scientist actually happened to be there instead at Mary's Home for the Mentally Misguided; reverberating to important matters to the reader, Raj slapped his fellow dude on the back, "How you doing, bro?"

Lazlo laughed, "Bro? Boy Raj, you and your rap music…; so have you, Clam. Come on, I know this great café." Despite Lazlo's advertisement, the place was a dump; the dump was one of those dimly lit basement cafes so the reader knows what the author means. Raj obviously was put off no matter how content his monkey friend seemed. "Ugh this place is so tasteless." Lazlo ignored this comment as he ordered some grub, "Three orders of the hemp a la carte, please." The trio sat in silence until Clam decided to risk the fate of the universe by saying, "Thinking…"

"About what Clam?," Lazlo asked.

"Camp Kidney." Clam had a wistful inflection when he said those words; maybe because he realized that his speaking set off a volcano in Italy.

"Yeah," smiled Lazlo, "do you remember Cam Kidney, Raj?"

Images of being put into humiliating positions, people yelling, and the occasional ravenous insect flashed with haste in the elephant's brain. "Uh vaguely," he uttered apathetically. "Yeah," sighed Lazlo, "sometimes I miss Camp Kidney."

The trio was so embroiled in 'conversation', they didn't realize the knife fight between a greased man and robot at the next table; though people who witnessed the event called it, "The most badass thing ever." It was only Clam who noticed and commented, "Left jab.", and unleashed the Br'ch Nola'k from its ocean imprisonment. With Clam's seemingly random statement Lazlo signaled his enlightenment with a 'yucca' (according to Chilean legend, when one says 'yucca' in the Andes Mountains, one will awaken the ancient gods). "We need to call everyone we remember from camp convince them to go to California! Isn't that great Clam? Raj." Clam jumped in a way a crack addict would, "Cross country! Cross country!" Raj tightened his face (probably because the rhino boy slammed psychic energy in his face) , "What?1 Do you seriously believe that calling everyone from Camp Kidney and will just all of the sudden remember us and go spelunking with us on a meaningless trip?!"

Lazlo pulled back his lips, "Yes!" "You are impossible, irresolvable, insurmountable, irresponsible, unreasonable, and insane!," Raj screamed footing on a stool (while unknown orchestra music accentuated every syllable), "Does anyone hear that music?!" Raj calmed down for minute then said, "You don't even know these campers phone numbers, Lazlo."

He beamed, "Actually I do and Edward keeps me in touch with the dung brothers." Raj's heart stopped, "You're still seeing Edward? Why in Vishnu's name would you want to even associate with him?!"

"Because Raj, we've been dating for a long time now."

"Lovers!," Clam affirmed for the price of brining actress Joan Crawford from the dead (evil bitch).

"Shiva," Raj sulked, "Edward's more of an evil queen than Maleficent." A nasal, borderline New York accent called out, "Lazlo…" And lo, there stood Edward Platypus enveloped by radiant light given off by an unseen inter-dimensional creature; that is until Clam leapt, attacked, and devoured the beast with those mighty chompers. "Evil bastards," he spat, gobs of blood falling out of his mouth. The platypus took a hold of the railing and slid down with the grace of a choreographed Veronica doll musical that is, until Edward veered off to the side, flipped over, and landed on the knife-wielding robot. "Get bent, queer," it methodically stated. Edward appeared to more ambiguous in his sexuality than years before (but a short dress with gym shorts underneath? Come on); staggered onto the seat near Lazlo. He greeted his aficionado, "Hey Lazlo…", his eyes narrowed, noticing Raj and Clam, "Oh, it's you two, what are you doing here?" Lazlo interrupted, "Guess what, Edward?" "What?" "You know that trip you and been planning? Well, Raj, Clam, and me decided we're going to call our buddies from camp Kidney and we're going together!" Edward sat, stunned; he then spoke obviously struggling to hold down his anger. "So let me get this, you three all decided just before I walked in to invite all these people on a trip that originally was meant for you and me… okay…," he took a deep breath, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! DID IT OCCUR TO YOU TO POSSIBLY TALK TO ME?! NOW I HAVE TO RIDE WITH THE NATIVES!! I COULD- ARRGGHH!!" Lazlo got a hold of him, reprimanding, "Edward, what's I tell you about exploding in fits?" Edward abridged mechanically, "Sticksandstonemaybreaksomebonesbuttherearenoweaponslikelisteningandcommunication."

"There we go, now, it'll be fun I promise."

"I don't see anything fun about hanging with scoutmaster Lumpus."

"We'll have some alone time, I promise. I'll even take you out someplace special; just try to be on your best behavior, okay?"

"Okay, fine, but you better be taking me to someplace special like the freaking Taj-Mahal."

"There we, go, Edward; we communicated. That wasn't hard, was it?"

"Actually," he cheered a mite, "it isn't actually thought as I thought it would be… see you Lazlo, see you losers!" He left, just in time too; because if the author knows anything about robots, they don't sharpen knifes the pry open jars.

"Let's go to your place then," Raj offered, "Anything to leave this dump."

"Actually Raj, I've been living here. But I know where we can find a phone booth!" "Raj groaned while the pygmy rhino feasted on his recent prey, "Want some?" he offered to elephant, recoiling in disgust. Lazlo waltzed out the door, triumphant music blaring. Raj looked behind his back, troubled by the soundtrack only he was only allowed to hear, "Why am I the only one who can hear that music?! Indra, I BEG of you, stop this MADNESS!" During his rant to Hindu gods, Clam lunged at another inter-dimensional beast, expecting another meal; all a person could say is Clam has one bad set of teeth.

For Chip and Skip, it had been a different story, time wasn't kind to them; they still kept the smelly dumbass charm except now they had hair envelop every inch of their body (and they're insects; that doesn't make sense!) The local library itself had changed from being a civilized outpost to a shell of anarchy. One could guess Dethclock ravaged throughout the building in a drunken rage and simply collapsed in that same state of drunkenness; coincidentally, Pickles the drummer laid wasted in a pile of books. "Actually," he corrected, "I'm only here because I licked the back of some postage stamps and now I'm here in some library with talking animals; try explaining that." With that cue, the drummer flew away, probably due to those invisible light-casting-inter-dimensional creatures. Flipside to the topic; the reason for this carnage existed as Chip and Skip camped out behind a bookcase and outfitted Rambo-style. "What are we doing here again, Chip?," Skip asked his twin brother. "Edward told us to guard the bathrooms," Chip reported as firing a clip from his Uzi into another window. "Oh; from what?"

"I don't know. Incoming!" Chip threw a grenade onto his designated target which unfortunately was Edward; but luck be it, the weapon missed and hit an unfortunate bastard who got shot this morning; he gave his famous last words, "Can you believe my fu-" He couldn't utter one more word on account of being blown to meaty bits (which Dethclock's Nathan Explosion would've called 'totally brutal'); though Edward survived the shock threw him to the wall and that was enough to piss him off, "YOU IDIOTS!WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! I COULD'VE BEEN KILLED!!" Skip apologized, "We're sorry we nearly blasted you to chunk sized bits Edward."

"Whatever, you two just follow me; were going to miss the bus and I don't want you screwing this trip up!" Edward started bolting for the door when he turned around to see the dungs eating the meat chunks. "What does it taste like Skip?"

"It tastes like cannibalism." Edward sneaked behind the duo slowly and unhitched one of their Uzis. "Come on dance! DANCE!," he ordered as he emptied magazines in their direction; because everyone know that there's no negotiator like bullets at your feet. They came just in time at the bus stop to see the Beans arrive. The present can be a real slap in the face when the people who used to know one person don't recognize him or her anymore; the best metaphor for such an experience is a hangover and it was a real hangover for Edward to see these bean scouts. Everyone had a number done by the prostitute time; Dave and Ping-Pong towered high enough to reach the top of a skyspcraper together and they've had (no, seriously). Dave retorted, "Well, well, if it isn't the queen of queens herself." "Yeah, we were going to buy you a dress," Ping-pong interjected, "but then we thought you had too many!" Those douche-loons had a jolly chuckle until Ping-Pong clutched his stomach, "Oh, what the hell did I eat?, don't anyone mention food or I'm going to pass chunks…" Chip and Skip held out meat pieces of the dead tourist; immediately he threw up a gray fuzz ball in that instant. Chip commented, "So that's how birds lay eggs? Gross…" The fuzz ball started move; Skip screamed, "It's alive! KILL IT! KILL IT!" Skip continued spouting nonsensical hysterics as Chip commenced beating the thing with his gun (Edward used up the rounds on the dungs). It continued until the ball spoke, "Chip! Skip! Stop trying to kill me! It's me, Sampson." Chip ceased his assault, "Sampson? I don't remember this Sampson."

"Wait how do we know he's really this Sampson he speaks of?," his twin interjected. "You're right, there's only one to know if he is the Sampson…we must kill him!"

"That way if he isn't the Sampson he will revert back to his final form."

"Let's kill the monster!" Sampson cowered and pleaded as Chip started unloading the beatings, "Please, don't kill me. It's me Sampson! Remember? I was the hamster with the glasses who always said murp? Just please don't kill me!" He started into sobbing hysterics, Chip and Skip stood over him waiting for the gears to click right. The two soon hugged him violently, "Sampson! You're alive!" The beetle's hug victim struggled out and fell over to face Edward. "Hey Edward, seen my new hairstyle? All those babes better watch out for this stud," he said in confidence as he took his allergy meds. His hair got definite shag and he changed from glasses to contacts; he basically was a spitting image of Austin Powers. Control yourself Edward, he thought, you don't want to murder anyone yet, "So where are the rest of you losers?" Like receiving the bat signal, a chubby hippo kid and some bear arrived from the clearing mist. "Who the hell are you people?," Dave asked. The hippo introduced themselves, "I'm Milt and this is Gordon. Lazlo invited us!" Chip whispered to his twin, "Keep an eye on them, Skip, they're probably after the library bathroom." Edward folded his arms, "Well that makes every a-hole I don't want to know other than…" The disembodied orchestra played again as Lazlo, Raj, and Clam entered the bus stop; Raj was getting really pissed off by the music. Edward flew into his lap, "Lazlo! I knew you'd be here!," he quickly civilized his tone, "I mean, hey Lazlo, how you doing?" Lazlo waved to everybody, "Hey Dave, Ping-pong, Sampson, Chip, Skip, Gordon, and Milt. For all who are wondering, we're going to"

"We know," they interrupted. "And," Raj opened a bag, "I brought everybody toothbrushes to keep your hygiene."

"And shower caps!," Clam adjoined, releasing Dr. Moore from Mary's Home for the Mentally Misguided. Lazlo addressed the group, "I see everybody's here except for Harold and some other kids; but we better get ready for the bus or we'll miss it." On cue the bus disembarked; Lazlo was the first to get and yelled, "Come on guys!" Sampson objected, "No way am I getting on that piece of shit!" The rest of the campers started disagreeing that is, until Edward defended his friend… with benefits, "All right, you have two options: you can ride the bus on the seat or you can ride the bus IN FRICKING BODY BAGS!!" The Bean scouts knew it was best to be on Edward's less violent side and acquiesced. Passengers on the bus shook in fear; especially a rather old couple in the front. "Greg, those homeless people make me nervous," she complained, "What if they try to take us hostage?" Her husband answered simply, "Well then they're going to answer to the Hillster sisters and by sisters, I mean my colt .45s." Thus their epic journey started. So many questions to answer like how the hell did Lazlo know every Bean scouts number from five years ago? Why would kids from various countries send them to a piss-poor camp? Where's Scoutmaster Lumpus, Slinkman, Harold the walrus, and those other kooky kids? Why are there no women so far in the story? Why would people read this shit? These questions and more will be answered or maybe not; all the author knows is some serious nertz will go down (okay that was a bad joke).

Algonquin Lumpus slumped against the counter; third time this week he's been at Prickly Pines Pub ('where your problem is our cash'). "Keep 'em coming, barkeep," yelled an inebriated Lumpus, "I need something to drown my sorrows." The barkeep handed Lumpus another drink as Slinkman apologized, "Thanks, I'll pick up the tab." At this point the scoutmaster commenced sobbing wildly, "I can't believe she left me after all these years, Slinkman, where'd I go wrong?"

"It's a mystery to me, sir." The matter was that Slinkman did know exactly why Jane Doe left; he stopped taking his medication which without he was prone to inadvertent rants at inappropriate times. Suffice to say, it was like hanging with the nursing home grandpa with dementia. Slinkman sighed, it had been two months since she left and he practically went through this same routine every other night; lately he felt like more of a designated driver than a scoutmaster's assistant. The moose fell over from the chair and guffawed stupidly, "Slinkman, I fell on my bottom." He then turned over and threw up on the floor, "Hey, the tooth fairy left me something." He held up two front teeth glazed in vomit; Slinkman gathered the plastered moose and started the scout bus. He sighed; he couldn't tell which was worse: the scoutmaster drunk throwing objects and puking everywhere or dealing with him spouting off nonsense. He knew what came next, he would drive home then the scoutmaster would give his 'oh-I'm-so-lonely-Slinkman-I-just-need-someone-to-hold-and-tell-me-I'm-loved' speech; he felt like such a tool. Suddenly Lumpus sneaked on Slinkman undetected with a sly drunken smile on his face, "Would you please get off me sir?"

"Slinky, come on, don't tell me you never thought about it. We're two virile young men; besides, we're up in Prickly Pines, who's going to find out?"

"Don't make me get Old Spankful, sir."

"Ooh, kinky eh, Slinkman?" The slug decided it was best to tie up Lumpus in the 'Drunk-Restraint' (from Gelm products); the best way to hold down your alcoholic friends. Damn it, Slinkman thought, it's not my fault I'm a hermaphrodite; that's it, next week I'm going to get you a hooker and end this whole nonsense. He was so busy in thought he didn't realize the little child getting caught in the tire; oh well, it's not like he was going to be missed.

Harold the walrus had been chasing after the Bean's bus for four hours. He didn't understand, he was at the bus stop; why didn't they see him? It happened to him numerous times even despite that he now sported a grizzly beard and lumbered like a giant. Even while he was running, he couldn't help but notice some girl howling, "Run Forrest! Run!"

"I ain't Forrest!", he objected as his hulking mass collided with bus, causing it to grind to a halt. The bus driver peered out his door, "Excuse me, do you have a bus pass, sir?" He pointed to Lazlo and the gang, "I'm with them, sir." "Whatever, as long as you sit down, Forrest Gump." Milt was first to notice, "Harold! What took you so long?"

"I was at the bus stop; I've been following for four hours. Can sit down with Raj, Lazlo?"

"Sure thing, buddy," he left his seat. Harold zipped next to elephant boy at an awkwardly close position, "Hey Raaaaaaj." The way Harold dragged out his name creeped him out, "Uh, hey Harold, how long has it been? Five years?"

"Five years, two months, 450 hours, and fourteen minutes," he said with precision, "You and me are gonna do everything together, just like old times…" He leaned towards Raj's face at an uncomfortable proximity. Awkward silence followed until Raj broke it, "Hey Harold, you may never have heard of it but I have this new invention called PERSONAL SPACE!!" The last two words were shrieked loud enough to have the entire bus stare at him. He laughed nervously, "Oh, sorry everybody. My bad." Awkward silence was resurrected for quite some time until Lazlo piqued in, "Why don't we name what career we want? Dave, Pin-pong, you start."

"Were going to be representatives of Canada in the United Nations," Dave stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "What about you, Sampson?" He 'pfft'ed, "That's easy: lingerie model!" The whole bus exploded with laughter, "What? I'm serious! Why can't I-" the hamster merped as his eternal nemesis the volleyball hit him, "Go ahead, Raj..."

"I want to be a deejay at techno parties and sell ecstasy on the side-um did I say that out loud? Clam, back me up here, what job do you want?" Clam thought, "Uh… neurologist.", thus giving Tom Hanks a stroke. The dung beetles adjoined, "We want to go fight Commies in the Middle East and kill Europeans!" Chip growled as he disemboweled the window with his teeth (everybody back away). "I'd love to start a clothing line for transvesti-," Edward corrected himself, "-I mean, work in the mafia, yeah."

"I want to stay alive without being constantly killed and brought back to life," said Gordon; a pipe crashed through the window, therefore impaling the bear, "You see what I mean?"

"Oh, oh! Do you know what I want to be Raj?," asked Harold, "I want to go start a shrimp boating business!"

"That's the stupidest thing I ever hear," the elephant boy replied. Rebutted Harold, "Stupid is as stupid does as my pap told me. But anyways, I want to be fishin' shrimp; there's so many shrimp; coconut shrimp, plain shrimp, fried shrimp, popcorn shrimp, barbecued shrimp, gumbo shrimp…" Harold continued for another hour; the bus just had it. "Please," Ping-pong begged, "somebody kill him!" The bus driver said over the intercom, "I need you all to shut up your friend or I'll have to ask you to get the hell out of my bus." Edward shouted, "We can handle our own problems, thank you; we don't ask about your weight, pally." As the bus left due to Edward's inattentive comment the Bean scouts stood bewildered; you would've sworn they were wildlife. Edward glared at Harold, "I'm so going to kill you…" Lazlo fortunately for Harold managed to restrain Edward with a hug, "Deep breaths, Eddie, in, out, there you go…"

"Bitch," muttered Dave. Milt the hippo, sadly was still on the bus, "Wait! I'm still here you guys!" He tried jettisoning out the window but instead of tuck and rolling, he flew across the road scraping half his head off. "Ow," he said, "my brains." Raj folded his arms, "What are we going to do now?" Lazlo stuck out his thumb, "We're just going to have to hitchhike, Raj." Sampson slicked back his hair, "Watch and learn, the ladies aren't bound to miss this manly hunk." As said this, a car drove by, veered off, crashed in the desert, and caught fire. Edward glared, "Don't do that again." Chip and Skip started laugh hysterically as Raj burst into a panicked frenzy.

Slinkman continued driving the car; it seemed like hours passed yet the watch said nine pm. Slinkman glowered, damn you Lumpus and your alcoholism, he thought, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your drinking problem. He was too deep in thought to realize he crossed a time rip and ran over Milt (who was in deep shit already trying to contain his brains). By the way, don't expect an explanation for this time warp; just blame it on global warming like everyone else does. The slug didn't realize his mistake until he heard Milt moan, "I got run over and now I'm DYING! I had a slight chance of living before I got hit by the bus and now I'll be dead for sure!" He stepped out of the car to be greeted by carnage, a smelly ape, and various vagabonds. "Slinkman!" Lazlo greeted. He crooked his head, "…Lazlo?" He nodded his head, "You bet! How ya doing, Slinkman?" To say the least, he looked very surprised, "Actually I'm confused as to what am I and what you kids are doing here."

"We were going to Los Angeles but then we got thrown off the bus." Thus they boarded Slinkman's magic bus with a certain sleeping moose; Lazlo was too overjoyed, "SCOUTMASTER LUMPY!" This scream startled him; becoming aware of the situation, he shook with paranoia. "Slinkman," he seethed, "What's going on here? I don't remember-and these people-and-and-oh my God, SOMEONE MUST'VE FROZEN WHILE I WAS HAMMERED AND NOW I'M 1,000 YEARS IN THE FUTURE!! And these mutant clones of people from my past have recruited me to some post-apocalyptic crusade! AAAAH! Slinkman, I don't want to be sacrificed to mutant clones." He hit the delusional scoutmaster with the 'mental-breakdown' frying pan. "Relax," Slinkman assured, "It's only the Bean scouts of '98 and they just needed a ride to Los Angeles."

"Then how did we drive all the way to Death Valley, Slinkman?" He eased Lumpus, not wanting to set off any chemical imbalances, "Maybe you should rest, sir." "Maybe you right, my head feels like it got hit by a woodpecker and I think I'm going to-" He began to throw up all over himself; Slinkman groaned, "I'll get you some paper towels, sir (drunken son of a bitch)." Involved in the matters of the barf, Raj was the only one who realized the real problem, "Uh Mr. Slinkman, is the bus moving?"

"Why yes it is Raj."

"Then who's driving?"

"I believe that would be Chip and Skip who are driving." It took a moment for the seriousness of the situation to sink in, then Slinkman's eyes burst open, "Chip and Skip?!" Yes they once again successfully put other people's lives with the ease of Gary Busy on diet pills; the bus headed to a gas station. Raj prayed to every god he could think of, Slinkman tried to calm the children, Edward regretted not buying the Veronica © panty line, Clam pulled out his memoirs, Harold clutched as tight as he could to Raj, and Lumpus guzzled his emergency liquor. The bus burst in a fiery hellfire that would've certainly killed survivors, but yet, they were all okay; hey, it's a kid show (or it was). Harold pointed to an unconscious Raj, "Oh ma gawd, RAJ IS KNOCKED OUT! I gotto give him UPS!" He immediately leapt upon the Indian and giving the mouth-to-mouth technique; Raj slapped him as hard as he could. "You BASTARD!," he screamed, "You knew I was awake! COME HERE YOU RAPIST, I'LL SAMAYA YOUR GYA…" He babbled a few foreign words and spat at him. Lumpus cleared from the debris and leered at the dung twins, "Way to go, Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass, you made drank the last of my whiskey." Slinkman ignored him, "Never mind that, the best thing is that everyone's okay." One of the loons complained, "This wouldn't have happened had you watched the wheel!"

"Now this isn't about who was negligent and who wasn't, the only thing that matters is gathering everyone and getting to the nearest train station. Speaking of which, where's Edward?" Chip pointed down to his ass, "I think he's under me, sir." He sat up to reveal a battered platypus; he groaned, "Don't say anything… just let me have the pain throb away." Skip poked Edward and inquired, "Does this hurt?"; he reacted with a blood-curdling screech. "Hey guys, what's going on?" Gordon materialized out of nowhere causing every person to gawk at this impossible sight. "What," he said, "I get killed all the time and I usually end up fine- oh, speak of the devil." A fragment from the bus plummeted and pounded his body. He moved out of the wreckage, "Funny, I only lost my leg this time…" He turned to glimpse Chip and Skip devouring his limb. "Your leg's very tasty," Skip commented; everyone else threw up.

Later at the train post Slinkman counted heads one last time, "Well that's every- where's scoutmaster Lumpus?" Lumpus shifted down from the stairwell bearing two full kegs, "All packed up Slinky… what's everyone staring at? Oh come on, like you've never seen a beer you damn teenagers. When does their train leave? The sooner they leave, the sooner I can get home and drink this."

"Actually scoutmaster Lumpus, were going with him to Los Angeles."

"Oh damn it, Slinkman, why do you have to do these things without consulting me?! Can we at least leave one of them to die?"

"Yeah, how about leaving Forrest Gump to fend for himself?" Edward stated pointing at the walrus. Raj nodded, "For once in my life I agree with Edward, we do not need a sexual predator like him!"

Slinkman brushed his hands apart, "No one's going to be left behind."

"Yeah," Lumpus snorted under his breath, "You all need as many victims as you can get when you get mugged or raped." Ping-pong clutched his beak, "Were going to get raped?!" The scoutmaster patted the young ward, "Only if you go to prison, walk down a dark alley, or accept a drink from a stranger." Ping-pong fainted; the scoutmaster's assistant frowned at him, "Let's get on the train." The train, of course had its own share of ill at ease moments as well. Sampson decided to remedy that by asking a more embarrassing question, "You're not a scoutmaster anymore, are you Algonquin?"

"Yes Sampson, we've lost that title when most people assumed me, Slinkman, and Jane Doe were killed by the Prickly Pine inhabitants when they went on a ritualistic mass-murder spree and Camp Kidney was RAZED to the ground with the campers STILL ASLEEP!! Are you happy now, you hideous fur-thing?!"

"Not really…" Slinkman slapped his superior for his fun gruesome story. "You know what we should play?", asked Lazlo; he was countered with a collective 'no.' "Hey guys do you what I think-", Sampson soon became pinioned by a pile of volleyballs. He chuckled weakly, "Just like old times, heh? Merp…" The train arrived at the station as it was supposed to probably because someone warned the crew about Chip and Skip (or their stench most likely took care of that). Gordon looked for something to tie up his leg when he slid next to Lumpus. "Do you think I can you some alcohol to numb the mind-blowing pain?" he smiled innocently. Lumpus shoved him away, "Screw off, bear kid. We're getting off the train soon; go find some unethical doctor with morphine." They all gathered at the gate as Lumpus addressed them, "Now what do we say when approached by illegals/gangsters?" They responded mechanically, "Fuck off, no hablais espanol." Slinkman elbowed him in the ribs, "Come on Slinkman, I'm only teaching them how to survive on the streets."

First thing someone realizes about Los Angeles is how much yellow smog surrounds the city; the second thing is there's a midget for every street corner willing to do anything for money (but that's true for any big city). The scouts did the best they could to keep up; especially Gordon who was dragging a bloody stump needing some serious medical attention. After being lost for some time, they decided it best to cut their losses and wait it out on the station lobby. Hours dragged on and seeing that there was no sign of immediate progress, the author decided to intervene. A beaver moseyed into the lobby; if there was more extreme example of Goth, he would've had tentacles coming out of his mouth and claws; piercing on every body part and eyeliner, it was not a pretty sight. Edward was one of the first to notice; he immediately embraced him and yelled, "BEAVEE!" The beaver shoved him away, "Get the hell off me, there's nothing I hate more than physical contact; yeah I remember all you a-holes." Lazlo shook his hand, "It's great to see you, random camper from my past; what you've been up to?" His eyes darkened, "I'll tell YOU, mourning, grieving, moving among the pack of uncaring human ANIMALS, searching for rest where there's none, scraping through the SHIT looking for hope in the world and finding NOTHING. THAT'S what I've 'been up to.'" As soon his nasal bored tone ceased, everyone sat speechless, shocked. Lazlo grinned anxiously, "Ha, that's great, Beavee. We just came in town and I think maybe you could show us around."

"Yeah I know a couple of places if you want to come along or not, I don't care." Lazlo eventually convinced everyone to follow; Raj whined, "Lazlo why are we following this creep?"

"Because Raj, that way we can make sure he doesn't kill anyone."

They hung out at a cigarette club as well lit as a prehistoric cave; a prehistoric cave with crappy music. Lumpus leered over at Beavee seated next to him. "Boy, we really screwed them up, didn't we Slinkman? Here," he gave Beavee one of his kegs, "You need this more than I do." Edward tapped Lazlo's shoulder, "Can we just leave him now? He's seriously 'effing this whole trip up."

"Look at him Edward; he's miserable. I think we need to find out what's bothering him."

"I tell you what's wrong with him: he needs to be kicked in the nu-" A word of advice to those in relationships, the best way to silence one is with a smooch. Lazlo, Raj, and Clam confront Beaavee, "So... What's happening?"

"How can we say anything ever happens?"

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Listen, I'm not going to open up to conformists like it's Alcoholics Anonymous." Clam handed him a cigarette, "Thanks." Fifteen minutes later of 'Lazlo time', he managed to get Beavee to open up about his past tragedy (that monkey has some serious powers of persuasion): it appeared that his lover, Ted the stork-kid, had apparently been kidnapped by Chinese pirates (go figure). Beavee searched him for years, but eventually lost hope and sulked around, keeping Ted's memory. "I even kept our two-necked friendship shirt," he sighed, "I just wait hoping I would get killed and come back from the grave to avenge him- you know, like 'the Crow.' I have the worst destiny." At that moment, a patron threw his cigarette, landing on an unwitting Gordon, whose fur had been covered in alcohol, thus setting him on fire. "Damn it," he said, "And the bleeding just stopped." Lazlo lent a comforting hand, "You know what? We'll find Ted! In fact," he jump atop the counter, "all of us will find him even if we have to go all the way to the ends of the Earth!" Everyone complained only once when Lazlo won them over to his side AGAIN; the reason Lazlo had such influence is best described by Edward, "Because he's FUCKING LAZLO, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" Lazlo ran outside, "We'll find Ted, Beavee."

"I'll entertain the thought," he retorted. Raj groaned, "I can't believe we're just leaving Los Angeles just when we came here…" Sampson chuckled, "Everyone knows the real babes are in foreign countries." Lumpus pulled out up his two kegs, "Better start getting wasted now than latter. Come on, Slinkman." Will they ever stop going from place to place? Can there at least be some continuity? Why are you reading this than doing something else?

Unfortunately for Raj and rest of them, this madness WON"T end! EVER!! The mountains will crumble, skies will melt with searing acid, the Horsemen will raze the land in iron claws, and television will be played full blast before it does!! It gets better, I promise (or maybe it won't)! Read and review if you like, or maybe just fix some lunch.