Author's Note: So I wrote and posted this on tumblr a few months back, right after the season finale when I saw a little animation of the part where Mark tells Lexie to "walk away." That scene made me want to cry, so I wrote this instead of crying. And then I think I actually did cry like an hour later anyway; it was sort of like an aftershock from the earthquake that was the ML post-breakup breakup. Plus, I was reading/writing sad fics, which doesn't help at all. God, what this show does to me…
But anyway, I just figured that since it was on there, I should put it up here too. So here you go:
. . .
"Hey, how are you doing?" Mark asks, walking up behind Lexie at the vending machines. She turns around at the sound of his voice, surprised he's so close.
"Oh, not now, Mark," Lexie sighs tiredly, turning away.
"Oh, come on, Lexie," Mark calls indignantly as she walks away. "You've been in the dead zone all day!"
"You have to stop," Lexie orders, walking back up to face him. "You gotta stop talking to me and checking on me and talking to my boyfriend." Mark looks down guiltily. So she heard about that, he thinks. "I love you," she tells him. Mark's ears prick at this, his eyes rising to meet hers, disbelieving. He's wanted to hear those words again since the first time she ever vocalized the, but something in her expression let shim know that this conversation won't go the way he'd dreamed. "And I am always going to love you," Lexie continues as Mark waits for the inevitable second shoe to drop. "But I don't want to love you." There it is, Mark thinks, trying not to let his feelings show on his face at the exasperated tone of her voice. "I want to be happy, and Jackson makes me happy. And if you keep pulling at me—"
"There was a time when I was the one who made you happy," Mark cuts in, suddenly defensive.
"Times have changed," Lexie informs him coldly.
"I realize that." They stare at each other, suddenly enemies, for a moment before Mark breaks the silence with an olive branch. "You're right," he says. "I'm sorry."
"You got what you wanted," Lexie tells him. Mark wonders if the jealously and envy he hears in her voice are just products of him wanting her back so badly or actually there. "You wanted a family. Please, just let me have what I want."
"I said you were right," Mark cuts in as their eyes lock together. "I told Avery I was letting you go. Did he tell you that part?"
"He did."
"I'm letting you go, Lexie," Mark tells her quietly. He nods in her direction, and as much as it pains him, says the words he knows need to be said. "That means you've gotta…walk away."
Lexie stares at him for a moment as Mark's eyes bore into hers, not quite believing the words that just came out of his mouth. Over a minute later, neither has moved. Mark sighs quietly, stepping forward.
"Do you want me to leave first?" He offers.
"No," Lexie replies quickly, her eyes wide on his face. "I just—"
"You made your choice, okay?" Mark cuts in, angry now that she's forcing them to hold on like this. He's tried for months to win her back, and just when he's giving up, she decides to second-guess everything. Perfect. Of course. "You made your choice and, I'm sorry to say, it's too late to go back on it."
"What…" Lexie asks, her forehead creasing at his anger. If anyone has a right to be angry, it's me, she thinks crossly. "What are you—"
"You want me to let you go? I am letting you go," Mark growls. "I am doing my job and you aren't. Now, it's your turn, it's time to do the one thing you do best the one thing you have to do: leave."
"Mark, I…" She trails off, still confused. She hadn't meant this to turn into some huge fight. She never thought he'd be angry at her. She was the one who should be angry.
"This is your chance, Lex. Go. Make a clean break and leave me standing here like you're supposed to."
"But I—"
"Just go," Mark dismisses her. He closes his eyes for a moment, and in that second, it's as if he's aged a decade in front of her eyes. When his eyes open again, they widen slightly upon seeing her, as if to ask, What are you still doing here?
Mark sighs a second later, blinking slowly as he looks down at her. "What is it?" He asks, the tiredness in his eyes resonating in his voice. "Just say what you need to say and go."
"I love you," she whispers, her voice coming out more hoarse than she'd intended. "I just—" Lexie breaks off, balking at the intensity of his stare. "I—I thought you should know," she stammers.
"You told me that already," Mark replies dryly. "Anything else you want to leave me with?"
Anything else you want to torture me with? Lexie can hear the unspoken question in his tone, and replies to it without thinking. "No, I…"
"Good," Mark replies curtly, stepping forward and walking past her. Lexie pivots slowly to watch him go, still clutching the now-crushed nutrition bar from the vending machine in her hand. The words she'd said came out in the same order she'd imagined them in her head. ...But they didn't elicit the same response. Why not? Why was everything so wrong? Why did he walk away? True, her constricted throat lowered their volume, but she's sure he heard her. He'd said as much.
He just didn't do what she'd expected. He never did what she expected, he was unbelievable, and that was why she…
"I love you," she whispers. "I just—I thought you should know."
"I do know," Mark replies, swallowing. "It doesn't change anything, does it?" He chuckles lightly, as if trying to remove some of the gravity from their very serious conversation and make it light.
"It might," Lexie replies after a few seconds, her eyes on her fiddling hands. She can feel his eyes piercing her, but she can't bring herself to look up. If she saw his face, she knew she wouldn't be able to get the rest of the words out. "That was good of you," she continues, never looking up. "What you said to Jackson, that was—it was nice."
"Sure."
"You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to say anything."
"I felt obligated," Mark replies. It's a stock answer, and they both know it. Mark doesn't feel obligated to anything or anyone. Except, Lexie thinks, Maybe…
"Do you feel obligated now?" She asks, finally raising her eyes to meet his. "To me?"
"Do I feel obligated to you?" Mark repeats. "Why would I feel obligated to you?"
"Because you said you were letting me go… Do you—do you feel like you have to?" Lexie asks carefully. Mark takes a deep breath before responding.
"Lexie, what are you saying?" He asks slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. "Are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have said what I said?" He swallows, but the lump in his throat stays in place because of his apprehension. "Are you trying to say I shouldn't let you go?"
Lexie bites her lip, her eyes searching his face just as his pupils do the same to hers. "I don't know," Lexie whispers. "I just… When Jackson told me, I immediately thought you were moving on. I thought we were—I thought we were done."
"We've been done," Mark replies softly. "We've been for some time now."
"I meant really done, Mark."
"I know what you meant."
His soft voice chills her, and suddenly she feels like a fool for expecting anything else. "So—so we are done, then? There's—there's nothing left?" She swallows, trying her best not to sound pitiful. "At all?" Her questions are rhetorical, but he answers them all the same.
"You tell me."
"I…"
"You're the one who walked out, Lex. You're the one who got a new boyfriend and you're the one who doesn't want to speak to me. I've been standing here, waiting, for months. You tell me if we're done or not."
Lexie bites her lip again, feeling as if her mind if pulling her one way and her heart is pulling her the other. It doesn't take her long to determine which is pulling where. Or maybe they're both pulling in the same place, and she hasn't realized it up until now. "Can I ask you a question first?" Mark nods his assent, shoving his hands into the pockets of his white coat. "Do you love me?"
Lexie's whispered question shocks Mark more than he'd care to admit, causing him to freeze for several seconds at it's quiet candidness. He's happy his head is tucked downward, otherwise the star-struck quality his face has no doubt taken on would have been all the more obvious to her still-deliberating eyes. Barely a second passes before Mark answer. His head is raised when he speaks and his blue eyes pierce hers once again.
"Yes," he tells her. "Yes, I love you."
Lexie's returning smile at his words is weak, but there's still a small flicker of happiness that can be seen within the gesture. "Does it change anything?" She asks, trying to imitate his uncaring laugh from before and failing miserably.
"I can't answer that, Lex," Mark replies softly. He wishes he could cut the crap and just step forward and kiss her, hold her, do anything with her—but he knows that isn't possible right now. He can't make the first move. "You're the only one that can tell me if this changes anything."
"Why?"
"Because you're the one who left. If you want to come back," he pauses, trying to telekinetically slow his own heartbeat. "If you want to come back," he continues, "it has to be your decision. I'm not forcing you into anything; I'm not taking charge. Not anymore. If you want this, it's your decision."
Her eyes rest worriedly on his, sure she's missed her chance even as he tells her the opposite. There's no way she can do this. She can't be the one to jump back into this; what happens when it all goes wrong again? Who's left to blame?
Her.
And then, Lexie realizes, that's why he's doing this. It's not so he can point fingers if it ends badly and walk away scott-free. It's so he can show her that if she really wants something, she should fight for it and make it her own, not let it be handed to her on a platter. He's always been trying to teach her things, and even now, even when they're on the verge of falling apart for what has to be the final time, he's teaching her again: She needs to make her own decisions and live her own life. He isn't going to force himself on her, and he never has.
If she refuses, she's sure he'll quietly accept the defeat and move on. She'll have Jackson and he'll find someone new and they'll both move on. But if she says yes…
"Yes," Lexie says suddenly, breaking free from her thoughts. Mark looks at her, confusion pinching his features. Apparently, Lexie thinks to herself, he didn't end with a question. "This is my decision and I say yes. I want you back. I want us back."
Mark's eyes widen, a smile curving up his lips before he can stop himself. He's about to jump forward and do what's natural, what he's done hundreds of times in the past—most recently last December—before he stops himself. If she wants this, she can do it herself, Mark thinks distractedly, his mind already racing ahead. She can do it.
Lexie watches him start and stop, smirking slightly. When he doesn't make a move, she sighs softly and reaches up, pulling his lips to hers as she's done many times before. He kisses her back automatically, and his hands move to clutch her body close to his.
In that one perfect moment, they're together, and neither cares who's there to witness it. Why worry about babies and boyfriends when you've got all you need in front of you? Why think about the audience a few hundred yards away, probably already spreading the news amongst the nursing staff?
But Lexie banishes those thoughts from her mind, instead focusing on the man in front of her. She closes her eyes blissfully, tugging him closer as their lips move together again and again. And when she opens her eyes—
He's gone.
He and everything she'd imagined about what they could be is gone.
She's left standing alone, the same way she knows she's disappeared from him many times before, trying to hold on to what might have been to survive through what is now.
Lexie Grey can feel the stares from passing nurses and doctors as she stands alone in the middle of the hallway. She can feel all those wandering eyes landing on her. She can see them try to puzzle out why she's still staring off into now-empty space. But she doesn't even contemplate explaining her actions to them. She can't even make sense of the situation herself, so why try to justify her actions to others? Why try to justify herself at all?
He's gone, that's about all she knows.
And, from what he said, he's most likely never coming back.
In the back of her mind somewhere, Lexie realizes that this is what she deserves, what they both deserve... But another part of her asks something different. Another, more naïve and more immature part of herself asks: Where's my happy ending? Wait a minute, that side of her thinks. The story isn't over yet. The screen doesn't just fade to black after the love interest walks away. That isn't how it works; things don't just end like that. There's a sequel, isn't there? Something in the works? The happy ending is coming, isn't it? If I just wait for it…
No, the cynical side of Lexie agrees, already tired and worn-out. The screen doesn't fade to black. The girl in the movies may be young and shy, but she's brave. She'll run after him, call him names, do anything to make him turn around and see what's right in front of him. A girl like that would make sure the love of her life didn't just walk away after an argument. A girl like that is brave and strong and everything that Alexandra Caroline Grey, clearly, is not.
A girl like that would fight for and get her happy ending.
…It's just too bad they don't make girls like that anymore.
. . .
. . .
What hurts the most
Was being so close.
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away.
And never knowing…
what could have been…
. . .
. . .
Author's Note: So as I was editing this for re-posting, I found it weird to read. I've been writing so far ahead in the future that going back to the present just feels odd… And also, I feel like I've been beating up on Mark wayyy too much in my fics (maybe because it's easier to write his heartbreak or maybe because it just makes better stories, I'm not sure) and I thought I'd try some Lexie anguish for a change. I hoped you liked it anyway. :)
Please review, everyone!