Song is: Why by Rascal Flatts
Warning: This involves suicide and cutting. If this upsets you or offends you please turn back now!
He'd had no idea, he'd told them; voice thick with tears and eyes alight with sorrow that even they could barely comprehend. He'd had no clue. Absolutely no clue.. But he wished he had. God, did he wish it.
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You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light…
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud.
He'd just been going home when Magnus got the call. He'd been leaving a party, -a party of all fucking things!- to get some rest, saying that he needed to study otherwise he would end up failing senior year. He'd lied. In reality Magnus had intended to drive over to Alec's house and check on him. His best friend hadn't looked so well the last time he'd seen him -which had been about three hours if he remembered correctly- and the green eye teen had wanted to make sure he was okay.
If only.
It was Alec's Father of all people, who'd contacted him; and when he said Magnus' name in that strained voice that he recognized from when Alec tried to push back his tears, dread filled his gut.
"Alec! Where is Alec!" He'd demanded, immediately fearing the worse and knowing that he had to get to his best friend, to comfort him- Even his worse fears could not prepare him for what Robert said.
"He…" A deep shaking breath. "Alec, Alec my precious son is… He's d-dead, Magnus." A chocked sob. "Dead."
His world stopped. Suddenly it didn't matter that his feet ached in the purple high heeled boots he was wearing. Suddenly he didn't care that his hair was matted with sweat and that his make-up was probably running down his face. No. All that mattered was that Alec, his amazingly adorable and kind best friend… Was dead.
"…Maryse?" He finally choked out.
"Hospital."
The phone was thrown into the backseat, his body barely settling into the front seat before he was peeling out of the driveway, taking no notice of the insults that followed when he sprayed gravel in his wake.
Now here we are gathered, in our little home town.
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd.
He was dead when Magnus got the call. He was dead when he got to the hospital. He was dead when he insisted on seeing the body and he was dead when Magnus saw those pale eyelids closed over bright blues that he would never see again. He was dead when the gaping slashes on his wrists were bandaged haphazardly, his body transported away. And he was dead when Magnus stared blankly after the hurried bed, tears he barely noticed falling from his eyes.
He was dead. Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead-
God that word wouldn't stop ringing through his head. Because Alec and dead did not belong together in the same sentence. Alec should be paired with something like strong and beautiful and oh so very brave. He should be vibrant and alive. Not dead, never dead.
…But he was.
…Why?
Oh, why?
That's what I keep askin'.
He went to the funeral, not even having the heart to dress himself the way he normally would despite the fact that he knew that was what Alec would have wanted.
"Smile Magnus!" Alec would say. "Please, smile! I don't want to see you unhappy… It makes me sad..."
He smiled bitterly, making his way down the gravel road to the church. As if it had made a difference.
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were maskin' a troubled soul.
He was surrounded by a bed of white lilies and pale blue irises -both flowers being his favorites- their scent masking that of sickly sweet death. His face was so pale, his eyelids tinted by blue and his lips unnaturally pink on his pale face. Long naked hands were folded elegantly on his chest, a long cuffed black shirt covering the gashes and scars Magnus knew to be there. Hiding his pain. Hiding his killer.
Looking at Alec, anger grew and grew and grew. He remembered the day he'd last seen his amazing best friend alive and well. Remembering the way Alec had seemed so sad and detached… The way he'd asked him if he'd come over, big blue eyes wide and pleading. And dammit! He'd been hesitant, saying he'd already promised to go to Camille's party but that he would see him soon. And god damn him for not going after the blue eyed teen. Damn him to hell.
God only knows, what went wrong…
And why…
You would leave the stage in the middle of a song.
Magnus cried, he cried until he thought he couldn't possibly anymore and then did it some more. Nothing could compare to the pain of losing Alec. Nothing. And the worst part was the what ifs?
What if he hadn't gone to that party? What is he'd noticed the pink scars on his best friend's wrists? What if he'd done more? Shown his love more? What if what if what if?
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old…
Rounding third to score the winning run.
He couldn't face the grave, couldn't watch that beautiful boy be shut up and lowered and covered in dirt never to be seen again, never to see the world again. Never to smile, to laugh, to make Magnus feel like the luckiest person in the world.
…He ran home, ran until his lungs were burning and he couldn't see from the fat tears that refused to cease to fall from his eyes. He didn't even stay to say goodbye and offer his condolences to Maryse and Robert. Instead he got far far away from that place of death and destruction and- God he had nothing anymore.
You always played with passion, no matter what the game.
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun.
Happy. Sad. Uncertain. Shy. Joyful. Friendly. Comforting…
Alec's face flashed through his mind as he laid on his bed in a pair heavy sweatpants and a sweatshirt that Alec had left over. It was clothing meant for the winter, not the hot days of summer. But Magnus didn't care. He never cared anymore. Because he was so cold, inside and out, and nothing but his angel could warm him again.
Oh, why?
That's what I keep askin'.
When he finally willed himself to go to school he ended up breaking down in the class room, not even caring that people where seeing him in his weakest moments, seeing him down to the ugly twisted core that he always fought to cover up.
"Stop it, Magnus!" Alec would say sternly. "You're an amazing and beautiful person. If they can't see that then it's not your problem, it's theirs."
The thought had only made him cry harder. Giant sobbing breaths that had his skinny body shaking and shuddering as he curled into himself, his pain drowning Magnus.
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were maskin' a troubled soul.
God only knows, what went wrong…
And why…
You would leave the stage in the middle of a song.
His Mother thought that he should go to the grave, to get closure she'd said. Closure, Magnus had thought, was not something that he would get, not until he could know why. Why why why why why-
Now the oak trees are swayin', in the early autumn breeze…
A golden sun is shining on my face.
The tangled thoughts I hear, a mockingbird sings.
This old word really ain't that bad a place.
Maryse found a journal. She'd been cleaning out Alec's room, said it was finally time, and she'd called him up sobbing over some book that she'd found and how she thought that he should have it. He didn't learn why she was crying until later, when he had it in his hands and could read it for himself. He broke down just outside his house.
Oh, why?
There's no comprehending.
"Alec." Magnus whispered, gazing at the pale white marble headstone. "Alec." He repeated, wrapping an arm around his abnormally skinny waist. He stumbled forward before collapsing in the grass at his best friend's marker. "Alec," Magnus sobbed. "Alec Alec Alec Alec Alec…"
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
But I do, have one burning question…
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
When he'd calmed down, heavy breaths slowing to slow gasps, reddened and swollen eyes stilling their tears, Magnus leaned back against the cold stone, drawing his legs up and grasping the small leather bound journal in his hands.
"I know you're probably wondering why I haven't visited you yet… A-And I know that you're probably disappointed to see me this way, b-but…" He took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes and swallowing back the tears. "I just.. I wanted to talk to you." Shaking tanned fingers opened the book to a page that was clearly read often, the page creased and increased and the ink splotched in some spots.
Magnus began reading the words softly, shoulders shaking slightly as he held back small sobs.
"It's getting worse every day. I can feel the hollowness in my chest, eating away at my emotions and attachments like poison. I'm becoming detached and emotionless and I'm… scared. I don't want to fade away. I don't want to leave. There are so many things I have to stay for… My family, my life… Magnus. My Magnus." Several drops of water fell onto the browned page, a hand swiping them away angrily. "I don't want to leave him alone. Who else will sit with him under the oak trees during lunch? Who else will listen to him go on about fashion? Who else will be there to hold him when he gets hurt and can't hold it in anymore? Who will be there… To take my place?"
He flipped a few pages forwards, lip trembling now as he read the last entry in the book.
"I'm going to do it. I've finally decided. If I don't I know I'll only end up hurting the ones I love in the end. It would be to painful for me to stay. I mean, what if they saw my cuts? What if they saw the way I hurt? What if they saw how much I was broken and how needy I was? What if they only saw me as a nuisance? Mother and Father are already saddened by my behavior around the house. They've talked to me about my recent seclusion and I know I should have felt something but it was just… Nothingness. I feel bad for this. They deserve so much better than a fucked up son like me. The same goes for Magnus. We've been d-drifting," Magnus sobbed, stumbling over the words as he raised a hand to his mouth. "Apart. And I d-don't blame him really. I would do it…" He gasped for breath. "I would do it to. I'll miss him dearly and I wish I had told him how much I l-loved him more than I have in the past. I wish I'd made more memories with him. Wish we could go to college like we discussed. Wish we could get those tattoos we always wanted. Wish that… That I didn't have to say g-goodb-bye."
The tall teen crumpled into himself, the book falling to the ground, flipping to the back of the page to reveal several words written in black ink.
"Magnus, if you're reading this…" He whispered, voicing the words on the page as if they were engrained into his mind. …They were. "If you're reading this then… I love you. So so much. And I'm sorry for leaving. So so so sorry. Love, Alec. Your best friend. Forever."
They were wrong!
They lied!
And now you're gone,
And we cry.
Magnus twisted with a strangled cry, hugging the headstone as if it were the best friend he'd lost, as if Alec was there and not cold and unforgiving stone, as if the letters pressing harshly into his cheek weren't one of farewell and death, but of love and laughter and- "Why'd you h-have to g-go? If y,you didn't want-t to l-leave then why d-did you?" He asked desperately. "DAMMIT!" He punched the ground at his feet, screaming and wailing out his pain and fury into the stone.
Cause' it's not like you… To walk away in the middle of a song…
Your beautiful… Song…
Your absolutely… Beautiful… song…
"Why didn't you come to me?" Magnus whispered brokenly. "I would've helped you, you know I would have! I n-need you Alec. …I need you."
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Above, an angel looked down at the broken teen, sky blue eyes filling with sorrow, a single tear slipping down his delicate cheek to the ground.
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A single drop of water landed on Magnus' cheek.
"I'm sorry…"
Okay so... This just popped into my head while I was listening and I decided to give it a whirl cause I've been stuck on inspiration for a while. I hope you liked it and I'd really love hearing from you guys! I'm in a... Bad place at the moment and hearing what you think really helps to cheer me up. :)
So please review!
Note: To those waiting for Water and Falling For Love- I'm still working on them I promise! I'm just having a bit of trouble like I mentioned before. :)
;3
~TMTMFD