Disclaimers: I own the shirt, so there :P
Muse-ic: Third Eye Blind's "An Ode to Maybe"
A/N: (is it odd that I'm putting an a/n about my disclaimer of all things?) "the shirt" refers to the cream colored corduroy shirt Kyle wears in "Into the Woods." I won it in an auction at the first big Fan Forum party at The Key Club in LA (where I got to meet the cast...I know, I'm evil...muah ha ha). It's soooo soft...
Lead in night at a Laundromat
And I'm staring at you pulling clothes from a dryer
And I'm wondering how I got here
But it seems some how I keep getting stuck in the mire
I needed this more than I knew
And I let you down and I said I'm sorry
But the light falls on my castle walls
And my basketballs pelt me with bricks in my dreams
What you need I hope it finds you
Maybe some day you'll get it right
If I could bottle my hopes in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent
And I'd ride a horse, and I'd teach a course
On how I got to be a star crossed pimp
What you need I hope it finds you
Maybe some day you'll get it right
Her golden hair shines softly in the poor light, a few curly strands brushing against her cheek as she works. Her small frame is bent over the open dryer, her delicate hands pulling clothes out, careful not to drop anything.
I watch from my perch atop a washer and wonder when I began to take this much notice of anything but a game I'm in the middle of . Have I been doing this for a long time? Or is it just another side effect of our washing machine mutating into Yellowstone's newest geyser? Either way, I have no idea how I got to this place, this point in my life. I've been stuck on "exist" for so long that "live" has become a foreign word.
Granted, there's the whole thing with my "death" and "rebirth" and trying to find myself and my answers in Eastern beliefs, but this is different. She's different. And I don't just mean in the sense that she's an alien.
When I was with Liz, something inside of me was fighting to get out. I held back a lot. I didn't always do the things I wanted to do, the things I should have done. Liz deserved better than I could give her at that point-it just took me a while to realize that. Max is perfect for her.
Tess...I think I need her more than I thought I'd ever need another female. She's like Liz...only my heart or my mind, I'm not sure which, is just screaming out to not mess things up. That this could be my last chance. And that's frightening. I'm only 17 and I may never have a chance at finding my true love or whatever? But as I was saying, I think I need her more that I wanted to admit before. The idea is starting to take root though...and I'm not minding.
I've screwed up a few times already. First there was that whole library episode. True, she was using me, but I still blew it. And then when she moved into our house and I found her in my room in my jersey...well...lets just say that I sort of got wrapped up in my own stupid problems and forgot that hers were of a much more monumental level than mine. Hers were world changing. I said I was sorry though. And I was rewarded with a smile. A radiant honest expression that struck a chord within me. Maybe that's when it happened. I don't know.
The jock image is getting harder and harder to live up to now. For so many years I've had this persona, this life I've lived that wasn't really me. But I had gotten so into playing the part that I'm only just remembering who I used to be.
I've had some bizarre nightmares lately that make me almost dread walking onto a practice field or playing a game of horse with the guys. In one of them, I'm being attacked by bricks being thrown at me. That in itself is weird, but seeing as its a bunch of basketballs doing the throwing...I think I need help. I never wake up screaming though. Tess is always appearing in my dream before it can get that bad, and things return to normal.
Maria would love to dig around in my psyche I'm sure. And Alex's year would be made for just one chance to really see what's going on in my brain. But I don't care about any of that. I care about the blue-eyed and curly headed blonde who is ten feet away from me doing her laundry in the middle of the night.
What's that saying..."If wishes were stars..." or something like that? If wishes were stars, I'd have enough to fill this desert sky at night. Tess's hair almost glows in the moonlight...
Despite how I'm starting to think I feel, I keep having this nagging thought telling me that Tess will never give up on winning back Max. I keep thinking that one day I'll wake up and I will have lost not one, but two women to Max Evans. It's like I'm some kind of star-crossed pimp or something. First Liz, then Tess.
But then there are the little things that happen to give me hope: Tess doesn't seem to mind sitting in on my B-movie marathons, She stands close to me when the others are around, she never even mentions all of that destiny crap anymore.
Maybe I should just quit worrying. I mean, if something is going to happen, it'll happen. Eventually. I'll get things right one of these days.
For now though, I don't mind ignoring my still dirty laundry as I watch Tess finish hers.