From the person who brought you " The Lord of the Mall" comes…
TOLKIEN IN THREE MINUTES OR LESS!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything I profess to own, I am not here, we are not here, you are not here, you aren't reading this- *gasps * you aren't! You cheese-wad!
For your pleasure Tolkien will be in SCRIPT FORMAT
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* Cue big music*
THE FIRST AGE!
The beginning of all things.
Illuvatar- okay people, lets pick it up from the top! * Sings in high voice* and a one two three-
Collective Valar- Hold out your hands, stick out your tush-
Illuvatar- this is the last time I turn to Mel brooks for casting ideas
(Melkor appears looking like Snidely Whiplash from Dudley do right)
Melkor- *begins singing a Metallica song *
Illuvatar- what? Okay, somebody's off tempo here-
Melkor- *laughs evilly *
Illuvatar- Darn it! I was TRY-ING to create a world similar to the one in Wizard of OZ-
* The Collective Valar shudder *
Illuvatar- and now I've got something that looks vaguely like Payton place meets Steven King in Fantasy mode! Thanks a lot! *Stalks away *
Melkor- * proceeds to tie the Valar collective to a proverbial railroad track. *
Illuvatar- just what in…what in…wait, I haven't created a Hell yet. Oh well, what do you think you're doing?
Melkor- I wanted in on the production deal Tolkien! You let that Bearded Australian guy in on it and I wanted a piece of the action!
Illuvatar- * looks blank * What Australian guy?
- Silence -
Melkor-never mind, I'll be good if I get a cut of the merchandise.
Illuvatar- deal! Now I need to go off and figure out some people to inhabit my world…
* Illuvatar wanders off and Melkor grumbles *
Melkor- *unties the Valar Collective who now has individual personalities. * Lets go and find some fun!
THE CHILDREN OF ILLUVATAR
Illuvatar, meanwhile, is playing with dolls.
Illuvatar as Doll one: Oh! Aragorn you're so MANLY!
Doll two: Yes, I know, I know-
Doll one: Marry me!
Doll two: Wait until the end of the third book dearest, the end of the third book-
- Melkor comes knocking -
Melkor- uh, we were kinda wondering-what are you planning to populate the gigantic dustball you brought us all into being to create FOR YOU!
Illuvatar- uh…. * thinks * I have made replications of my people!
* Illuvatar holds out dolls *
Melkor- those look like action figures.
Illuvatar- * coughs *
Melkor- right! Well let's take them to Ulmo to get born then!
* Ulmo looks like a gigantic furry red monster that is adorable and swimming in a gigantic ocean *
Illuvatar- Look! * Sets down action figures * Bring them to life!
Ulmo- Okay! Elmo brings things to life-
Illuvatar- that's UL-MO not ELMO
Ulmo- okay Ulmo brings things to life!
* Illuvatar and Melkor sigh *
* Ulmo sprinkles water on the action figures and they come to life as perfect replicas of Aragorn and Arwen *
Aragorn- urm…
Arwen- uh…
Ulmo- Supreme Pooh-Bah Illuvatar needs to be slightly more creative in that department says Ulmo! Do you want to count to five with Ulmo? *Laughs merrily like a certain red monster *
Illuvatar- right, right
* Illuvatar runs off and returns with a whole armload of action figures *
Illuvatar- I call them my first born, and those after shall be men who must suffer doom but shall be beloved all the same.
Melkor- that looks like another action figure of Aragorn, a couple of Arwen, some spice girls-a couple of Ken dolls, and a… * shudders * Britney Spears action figure!
Illuvatar- * unleashes wrath * WORK WITH ME HERE!
Ulmo- by the supreme power of…stuff I pronounce you- ALIVE!
-The action figures come to life as Elves and humans –
Humans- HOORAY! Let's go build some buildings and stuff!
Elves- meh, this is boring, what next?
Melkor- * to self * note: corrupt humans first- then go for the elves.
THE DWARFS AND THEIR MAKING
Aule: * bored * I'm BOOOOREEED there's nuffin to do!
Yavanna: so go and squash a few humans or give the elves some vital piece of knowledge that will make them very powerful and able to lord it over humans?
Aule: Meh, I did that, I want my own little minions
* Yavanna hands Aule a wrapped package *
Yavanna- I was gonna save this for later…
Aule: *rips open package * how to make your own little minions?
Yavanna- *nods *
Aule- * hugs Yavanna *
Meanwhile, several cups of coffee and candy bars later…
Aule- boy, I dunno if I'm excited because I just spent two proverbial days creating a sentient species, or because I just drank an entire liter of Mountain Dew! *Continues doodling *
Illuvatar- * appears * BOO!
Aule- Aww crap!
Illuvatar- Whatcha doing?
Aule- * kid voice * nothing
Illuvatar- doesn't look like nothing; it looks like something big and important.
Aule: No! * Turns on Nelly's " its getting Hot in here" *
Illuvatar- have you been creating species again?
Aule- no, not after the inflatable sheep
Illuvatar- I see…
Aule- oh okay! I have, I have! I admit it! I'm sorrrryyy! * Sobs *
Illuvatar- * is sort of miffed that Aule would do this * well throw these out too, along with the inflatable sheep, the lawyers, the dinosaurs, the Jedi, the movie directors- and all the other species you've come up with.
Aule- * sniffs and moves to trash can *
Voice: Don't kill us…
Illuvatar- they're begging for mercy? Cool!
Aule- Yes… * takes out the minions * I call them dwarfs
Illuvatar- how fitting, tis better then the lawyers though, they tried to sue you.
Aule: and the movie directors just kept yelling that it wasn't in the script…especially that Australian guy.
- Silence –
Illuvatar- Right!
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The BIG SHINY JEWEL THINGY!
Elf- lookie at what I made!
Other elves: YAY! PRETTY JEWELS!
* Big bad guy goes and steals the jewels *
Elf- * sniffs *
Elves: WAHHHHHHHHH!
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THE LOVE STORY
Beren- Yo, Elf King, WHASSSUP?
Thranduil- Thank you for doing that…mission for me.
Beren- I wouldn't exactly call going to a grocery store a mission, but cool.
Thranduil- right so, name any reward that you desire.
Beren- uh, your daughter
Thranduil- RIGHT! A Luthien action figure-
Beren- no, your DAUGHTER
Thranduil- how about NOT!
Beren- okay, what can I do to earn her?
Luthien- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF PROPERTY?
Beren- Hold on a sec-
Thranduil- well, there's one thing that we elves have never gotten over…THE THIEFT OF OUR BIG SHINY JEWELS!
Beren- you mean Silmarillions?
Elves- WAHHHHHHHHH!
Beren- okay, go bring me back one of the jewels.
Luthien- I'll help.
* Luthien dies *
Beren- Aww crap! * Steals jewel and has his hand eaten by a big wolf. *
Thranduil- Well? Where's the jewel?
Beren- * totally serious * in my hand
Thranduil- where is your hand?
Beren- * silent *
Elves- EEEEWWW
Beren- now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go be with Luthien
* Dies *
Thranduil- the price of the big shiny jewel…
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THE STUPID ELF GUYS
Stupid Elf guy two: I'm bored!
Stupid Elf guy one: I'm busy making jewelry go away.
Stupid Elf guys three: BUTTERED TOAST!
* Meanwhile, in the depths of grand evil pooh bah HQ *
Melkor- at last we shall have revenge on the Jedi-
Sauron- you mean elves right?
Melkor- no, I mean Jedi, that story's been stealing wind from us for ages!
Sauron- uh, okay, meanwhile-
Melkor- yes! Go and corrupt the elves my evil one! Go, go, go!
* What leads to the discussion that Sauron was a woman *
- Sauron goes to Middle Earth –
* First he goes to Numenor *
Sauron- hello.
Men- Hi!
Sauron- my name is Sauron
Men- Hi Sauron!
Sauron- Right * corrupts everybody *
Men- LETS PARTY!
Sauron- my work here is done.
* Then he goes and visits the Elves *
Sauron- Hello, my name is Sauron.
Elf guy two: Hi, I'm bored
Elf Guy one: Still busy!
Elf guy three: TOAST!
Sauron- Elf two, you seem the least objective; want to learn some cool magic stuffers?
Elf guy two: meh, sure.
Sauron- *makes the one ring * now I have control! Total and absolute CONTROL!
* The lights in Sauron's workstation in Mount Doom go out *
Sauron- Aww crap, come on-
Elf guy two: Uh oh, I sense that somebody's making some kind of ruling ring…
Elves- QUICK! HIDE!
Illuvatar- I told you it was a good idea to make action figures into living sentient beings
Ulmo/Elmo- shut up.
And that was TOLKIEN IN THREE MINUTES! Well, actually it was more like five minutes, but we STRIVE to bring you the BEST in entertainment.
Author note: I'd like to say that we've covered some second age events in this-therefore we're going to skip to the third age in the next chapter and move on from there. So, continuing TOLKIEN FOR DUMMIES…
Disclaimer: I own nuffin cool; people will tell you this, good people, LISTEN TO THEM! Everything from Elmo to Star wars to LotR-I don't own a thing. I don't even profess to-I just force my ideas upon a random and unsuspecting public! * evil laugh * aren't public forums great?