Something Blue
It was supposed to have been kittens and candy floss all the way and it was, for a time. Maybe adding the rose petals was just asking for too much. Maybe the happy ever after I'd believed Nick could give me was more than I deserved. Our relationship had become rockier than either of us could ever have imagined. Without the bistro Nick seemed constantly on edge, like there was something unsettling him, but I had simply assumed that he just wasn't used to being a man of leisure. He certainly never gave me any reason to doubt that there was more to it, after all, the lies and deceit which came into our relationship were always my domain. I was the unfaithful one who harboured unforgivable secrets.
There was a time where we'd had everything, of course, before it had all fallen apart. We had our very own dream cottage waiting for us in Devon, a five star no expense spared honeymoon booked in Paris which would follow our wedding that was to be meticulously planned to the very last detail, and two little lines on a pregnancy test. Two little lines which had changed everything. Did I ever dream of having a baby with Nick? Yes. Maybe not in so many words but somewhere, buried deep inside my heart, the dream was always there. Did I ever allow myself to believe that it could happen? No. Pregnancy had become a word which haunted me, almost as much as the words rape and fire always would.
It was little consolation to me that Robert could not possibly have been the father of my baby. Naturally I was relieved not to have been left carrying his child following our moment of mistaken passion, but that did not change the fact that my infidelity itself had remained a secret between myself and Nick. Our marriage was to be based upon a runaway train of lies I had become powerless to stop. A marriage which would now contain the baby we had never voiced our dreams of wanting, not even to each other in private, but secret dreams we each knew the other harboured.
Who knows whether I would one day have found the words to tell Nick of my infidelity. There was something in his eyes which stopped me each and every time I tried. Now, with our baby slowly growing inside me, it was no longer just about myself and Nick. Where being honest with Nick would once have risked losing him only for myself, now it risked denying my child the father they deserved. I could not allow my child to become punished for the mistake I had made long before they were conceived which, inevitably, they would be. However much we tried to prevent it, our baby would be left growing up in a broken home with a father who no longer trusted their mother.
The news of my pregnancy had not affected Nick the way in which I'd imagined it would. If anything it was quite the opposite.
Nick was writing his wedding speech when I returned from the factory, that same queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach which had hung around me for days. I'd left earlier than usual, there was an errand I'd needed to run on my way back which couldn't be carried out close to home. With my purchase safely tucked away in my bag, I made my way over to where Nick sat upon the sofa. He didn't speak to me as I placed my hands upon his shoulders and kissed his temple, not a single word. Instead he continued to write his speech for our wedding which I read over his shoulder. This was the man I was going to marry, each of his words making me feel more confident about the task which lay ahead. 'Nick, I bought a pregnancy test today.' I told him.
For a moment there was nothing but silence between us, my words left simply hanging in the air. 'You're pregnant?' Nick asked, his question surprising me but I guessed he was still taking in what I'd said. 'Well, I haven't taken the test yet.' I replied, sitting on the back of the sofa as he turned back to face me. There was a smile upon his face but the excitement I'd expected him to show seemed clouded by fear. It was as though he was scared but that was understandable, wasn't it? He knew better than any man ever could the fear which came with a pregnancy following a miscarriage. 'I'm scared, Nick.' I admitted, the feeling I'd once had, that our baby would always be safe with Nick by my side, slowly fading away as his apparent fear fuelled my own.
With his eyes meeting mine I felt Nick take my hand. 'I know, sweetheart, but you don't need to be.' He reassured me, reaching up to meet the soft kiss I gave him. 'Take the test, hm? Then we'll know.' He suggested and I found myself nodding, unaware that really he wanted nothing more than be alone with his thoughts. As I left him on the sofa to collect the test from my bag he harshly placed the notebook he'd previously been writing his speech in onto the table. His sudden actions caught me unaware but it was not that I'd become afraid of him following the incident with the mug. It was simply that after your future husband has smashed a mug so violently that it's remains catch your cheek it's not always quite so easy to relax.
Alone in the bathroom I took out the pregnancy test which would give me those two little lines that would change everything.
The days which followed the confirmation of my pregnancy became a minefield of emotions for the pair of us. Without my usual glass of red in hand planning the wedding seemed even more stressful than it had before, especially with Nick jumping down my throat and apologising every second word. Clearly he was stressed, more than I'd ever seen him, but every time I tried to reach out to him he pushed me away or snapped at me. At times it felt as though my pregnancy scared him such that he was afraid of me, that he couldn't bear to touch me. Yet at other times he held me close as we talked about our baby, neither of us having quite enough strength to mention the elder sister and brother our child should have, but each feeling the void a lost child left.
Before I knew it I found myself explaining to Michelle and Kate that I wouldn't be able to join them in drinking alcohol at my hen party. Nick and I had been to our baby's first scan by that point and having seen our little one upon the screen decided that we would share our news. Telling the girls on my part was easy, the pair of them had already hedged their bets following my sudden decline in drinking alcohol. But, I did not envy Nick the task of telling his mother about her new grandchild, one she would rarely see once we moved to Devon. I don't know whether he simply never found the right time to tell her or whether he couldn't bear the thought of telling her, but either way Gail did not hear our news from Nick.
My hen party came around quickly after that, the first I'd had where I couldn't have a proper drink. So much for the brides prerogative of making the most of her last night of freedom but the girls made up for it. As I stood at the bar with nothing more than a lime and soda in my hand, my future mother in law was suitably concerned for my welfare, and that was the moment I realised Nick hadn't spoken to her. Needless to say Gail was in for quite a shock when my little sister later blurted out my predicament in front of her. 'I thought she knew.' Kate slurred, planting a drunken kiss to my cheek before stumbling back across to the dance floor. There was no denying that she was my little sister.
Gail was speechless, a rarity where she was concerned. Her annoyance at being the last to know clearly battling with her happiness that her first born son was to become a father. 'Congratulations.' She simply stuttered as Cathy came over to join us at the bar, sparing me the delights of baby talk with Gail who proudly revealed my news to her. It was no surprise to me that Cathy's reaction was a little feigned given that Roy had been amongst the first to know, but thankfully Gail didn't notice. As they talked, no doubt making plans for the future of my child, all I wanted was to be home with Nick. 'I could get you a peach schnapps with lemonade?' Gail offered, interrupting my thoughts.
No doubt my confusion to Gail's suggestion was written all over my face as she quickly explained that she'd had the occasional one while pregnant with Nick. It didn't seem like a ploy to knock me off the wagon, to get the pregnant bride drunk and show the groom he was marrying a woman incapable of mothering his child. Gail genuinely seemed to believe that what had been okay for my baby's father would be okay for my baby, but a lot had changed since the eighties. You can't take any risks with pregnancy, can you, not now we'd come so far already. Quickly my thoughts returned back to my forthcoming second baby scan later in the week, a milestone in pregnancy that I had not reached with my little girl.
Besides, I'd only ever had peach schnapps with lemonade once before, when a guy I'd met in LA with Suzy years ago had made one for me, and for some reason I wanted to keep it that way. Who knows why, maybes it was simply because it was one of the few happy memories I had of my own, which didn't involve Nick, but it was probably just my hormones.
As our wedding day approached the slight swell I'd had at my hen party, which had been easy enough to disguise, had developed into much more of a definite baby bump. Michelle had already dragged me to numerous dress fittings as my baby grew, panicking that the wedding dress I'd chosen wouldn't fit on the day and she was not the only one whose head was in a spin over my ever growing baby bump. Whilst Nick lay his hand against my bump feeling our baby's gentle kicks, he still felt distant from me at times. There were still those moments where he would hold back from me and the baby I was carrying with no explanation, something I couldn't bear to question him on.
It was almost like he was afraid to touch me in case he hurt me or the baby which I guess, after the incident with the glass, was understandable but with my hormones darting all over the place I needed him there more that ever. I guess Nick had always known the risk we were taking in attempting to bring this baby into the world.
Before we knew where we were our wedding day had arrived. All those months of planning had finally brought us here, sipping the non-alcoholic version of champagne which lacked a lot more than just alcohol with a matter of hours to go. The baby had kept me awake for most of the night before but as was customary for a bride on the eve of her wedding I'd slept without Nick beside me. For me the tradition had not been a pleasant one serving only as an insight into what life would be like if Nick discovered my infidelity. It was something I knew I couldn't bear, especially given that I was carrying a baby who needed their daddy.
Despite having kept me awake half the night my baby still seemed intent on practicing their dance moves, and with a hand to my bump I opened the door to my little sister. My discomfort didn't go unnoticed by either of my bridesmaids who both asked if I was okay. 'I don't think this little man wants mummy and daddy to get married.' I said, brushing off their concerns. 'You're having a boy?' Kate asked, quickly picking up on the little detail I hadn't meant to let slip. 'Does Nick know?' Michelle asked. 'He said we could use our baby boy as my something blue.' I told them, picking up the little blue teddy bear Nick had bought following the second scan where we'd been told we would have a son.
Already this little blue teddy bear came with so many memories, namely the tears in Nick's eyes when he'd given it to me the day before. It had almost felt like an apology for the way he'd behaved at our scan, snapping at the junior midwife who hadn't been able to detect our baby's heartbeat at first, but I knew that he'd just wanted to be the first to buy something for our son. 'Well I can't compete with that, can I?' Kate said, interrupting my thoughts as she held up a bright blue garter. The tears which had been threatening to fall from my eyes were quickly replaced by my laughter as I hugged my sister. 'Now, are you two gonna help me get this bump in that dress?' I asked my bridesmaids.
This is where our story was supposed to end happily ever after but it didn't. This is where everything fell apart. I should've been boarding a plane to Paris with my husband. Instead I'm here, alone.
I should've known that I could never have bought Tracy's silence but, as Roy walked me down the aisle to where Nick was waiting for me, she was the last thing on my mind. All I could think of was how close my happy ever after finally felt. There were tears in each of our eyes as Nick took my hands in his, every moment where he had once snapped out of turn becoming irrelevant. I did not care about those moments which had once confused and concerned me, not now that I felt the stress-free, easy going Nick that I knew and loved before me. Everything was coming together just the way we'd planned, even the baby was resting and giving mummy some peace.
If only I had taken my eyes away from Nick at that moment, as we began to make our vows to each other, but I didn't. Why would I, when all that mattered in that moment was him, Nicholas Paul Tilsley. I was not expecting Tracy to make an appearance on my big day though in hindsight I know now that I should've. It's impossible to say whether it would have changed anything had I known that Tracy was there, no doubt the flights to Paris would still have been cancelled, but I may not have ended up here, alone in this empty space, if I had. As pointless as what ifs are you can't help but wonder, when left alone with nothing but your own thoughts, what might've been.
Interrupting our wedding ceremony Tracy had found the words which I could never speak, that I had slept with another man. My own fiancé's chef, no less, but he wasn't just the chef anymore, he was the proud new owner of my fiancé's business all because of me. It was a detail that was not spared from Tracy's speech as she took relish in enlightening the groom of his bride's deception in front of our nearest and dearest. Tracy's words were planned such that I wouldn't have put it past her to have practised them in the mirror earlier that morning. She knew what she was doing, tearing my world apart just when I'd been so close to having it all, but even Tracy could not have foreseen what happened next.
As I tried to explain myself, unable to deny Tracy's allegations of my infidelity and subsequent deception but attempting to defend my actions as best I could, the realisation that this was true hit Nick hard. Shocked and disgusted with me he stepped back, removing his hand from mine but, in my naivety, I clung to his hand to stop him, desperate not to let him pull away from me. Oblivious to my fiancé's ongoing battle with anger issues following the return of his previous brain injury's symptoms, I was nothing more than a sheep in the path of a lion, unaware of the increasing danger I was in until I found myself shoved to the floor by my raging fiancé.
Around me the room was shocked by the groom who'd thrown his pregnant bride to the floor, but all that I cared about was my baby. With David and Aidan holding Nick back, attempting to calm him as he ranted and raved, Michelle and Kate reached my side. The room was spinning as I looked at them, the pain in my abdomen the only constant I felt. I was sure that I was bleeding, sure that my baby was struggling with the fight to stay with me. Between Michelle and Kate they carefully lifted me to my feet but even with them both supporting me I struggled to walk through the pain I felt, not to mention wearing my lavish wedding dress which had become nothing more than an impediment.
The family which I had become sure my baby boy would never meet rallied around me. It was Johnny who took my weight from Kate, my father helping me where my baby's father could not. And, it was Aidan who drove me to hospital, my brother who I later realised had ended up taking a punch from Nick somewhere along the line. Between them the family I had never known had come through for me, bringing me here where I would learn my son's fate following his father's outburst. 'He's gone, hasn't he?' I stuttered as the midwife took my hand and confirmed that I had lost my baby. Somewhere my baby boy had joined his big sister in a place I couldn't be with them.
There are no words to describe the next few hours which I endured. Exhausting, draining, emotional, lost, words do not even begin to cover it. I felt numb, something which I know I will feel for a long time to come but it is not any easier a second time. As I lay staring at the walls, unable to feel my baby boy practicing his dance moves anymore, there was a knock at my hospital room's door. The two visitors which entered my room took me by surprise even though I had been expecting them at some point. 'I'm sorry.' Nick stuttered, his eyes filling with tears as I shook my head. 'I'm sorry.' I stuttered back, both of us knowing that we'd hurt each other too much for sorry to ever be enough.
Whilst Nick remained stood in the doorway, most likely unable to be near me after what I'd done or maybe simply afraid of hurting me further, David sat beside me. He explained to me what Nick himself had never been able to, that it was his brain injury which had caused his outburst and he hadn't been in control of his actions when he'd pushed me away and with it shoved me to the floor. I don't know whether I was able to take in what David was telling me or not but I agreed not to press charges. How could I press charges against a man who I know has suffered enough and who's uncontrollable rage was brought on by the revelation of my own infidelity.
Before they left Nick came towards me, handing me the little blue teddy bear he'd bought for our son barely a few days before. I'd had the teddy with me at the wedding but amongst the chaos I must've dropped it in the bistro. 'He was my little something blue.' I mumbled as I took the teddy from Nick who had tears in his eyes just like the first time he'd given it to me but for a very different reason. 'I'm so sorry.' Nick whispered and in that moment, in his eyes, I understood why he'd held back from me before. He had been afraid of hurting me and our baby and in trying to protect me from himself he'd distanced himself from me. He had always feared that this moment would come.
After the door had clicked shut behind them, and I was alone again once more, I did something which I had not yet done in this hospital room. I closed my eyes, and cried.
Now, no matter where I end up, I know I'll always keep both my angel babies safe in my heart.