Hello Readers, (I hope)

Better Summary: Bella is the It-Girl in New York City. She has the perfect job as a fashion journalist, the bestest friend a girl could ever wish for, the perfect apartment, and of course, a wardrobe not even Carrie could dream of. But with all the good, comes the bad. In Bella's case, the bad is losing the love she gave up. Bella and Edward were meant to be from first IM. Only problem was, Bella thought she was good enough. Edward tried to tell her otherwise. Bella is stubborn and couldn't believe what she had done until it was too late. Or was it. This is Bella's journey working hard to get back the love she always wanted, but was to stubborn to admit.

I would also like to say, that this is from personal experience. So as they say in Law and Order; This is based off of real experiences. The names and faces have been changed to hide the identity of the victims involved. Thank you for reading...see you at the bottom.

Just Send It, Bitch:

Why? I have asked myself this question for the past four years. How could I have done something so stupid. I gave up the one thing that would have made me really happy. I opened my big trap to let the venom seep out. Looking back I know I fucked this all up. I just wish I hadn't. I know I can say that all I want but you won't even give me a response to let me know you hate my guts. A simple FUCK YOU will work. We tried to make it work. We never had to try. It would have worked out on its own. That's the problem. I see that now. I kept fighting something that was so perfect. One real dilemma was distance. I let it bother me. So much that I looked for something we had somewhere else. I was young. I thought I could never make anything work. So much death followed me and here I was in love with a boy who did nothing BUT love me back. Yet still I looked somewhere else. Found something else. Someone to be exact. Someone who would mean nothing if you would just write me or call me. Hell, even a text would work. Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you hate me. Or tell me the truth you said all those years ago, drunk and rambling. That you will always love me, and just want me closer. I would move anywhere for you. I should have told you that then. When everything was perfect and I was so fucking blind. Listening to stupid love songs about kissing and touching. I wanted to experience that. Only I didn't want it with someone else, I wanted you. So I found someone who was just close enough that if I closed my eyes I made it you. Then after so long of just words and hope it happened. You came to me. I was stunned when I saw the email you were coming. One week later there you were handing me a pack of cigarettes and shy as the first time you said hello. To see the spark in your eye, I imagined I'd always see. I never moved on. No matter how much I wanted to I just couldn't. After, what felt like days, you touched me. A stroke over my fingers and I was right back in love. Looking back I was never out of love. I said cruel things to push you away to keep myself from getting hurt, but I ended up hurting myself. I let you go. I let you go to her. The vile woman you hold now. Why can't I be her? Why? Why? Why? WHY? WHY EDWARD?

I never send the email. I closed the laptop and put it back on the table and sat in the sill of the window looking out over New York. I can not believe I got it all out but couldn't send it. Dr. Jasper said it would take time. I had tried texting and calling Edward to get no response and an empty voicemail. I had so much courage to call but now I couldn't send a simple email. Sitting in this window sill I think back and remember a song I can't stand to listen to now. One that all those years ago made me swoon. "Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do." The song echoed through my mind as images of him and I run around with the song. Three days was all I had with him in person, but I had years of videos and conversations to fill the hours of the day, and dreams to fill my nights. He always gave me that crooked smile and those silly words that made my insides swoon. He is God's gift to the world. God had given him to me and my own free will gave him up. Why did I do such a dumbass thing. Looking down I notice my phone going off and the Empire State building was lit. "How long have I been sitting here." I pick up the phone and look at who's calling.

Rose. Rosalie to be exact. I closed my eyes answering. "Hey Rose."

"Hey….Hey is all I get? Where the hell have you been Bells I've been sitting at Jekyll and Hyde for an hour now. If you're not here within ten fuckin mint." Shit. Dinner with Rose. She'll kill me.

"Rose I'll be there in ten." She hung up before I could. Sighing I grabbed my coat and purse, locked the door and hailed a taxi to Jekyll and Hyde. Sitting back I remember first meeting Rose.

"Isabella Swan." Looking up at the woman calling my name I was stunned. She was drop dead gorgeous. I stood and followed her. She lead me into a room with a couch, two chairs and desk. It was dreary and stuffy but almost comforting.

"Hello Isabella, I'm Rose."

"Please call me Bella."

"Okay Bella, Dr. Jasper will be here in a few, I just have a few general questions before we get started." I nod my head and she begins. "Okay, you are 18, female, single. Correct." I nod. "Good, now why are you here today?"

I thought about that all day. Why was I even going, why was I doing this. I never got an answer from myself, but here I am sitting in a leather chair looking out the window at my beloved New York. Why was I here….. Because I had fucked up the best thing in my life? Because I was in love and stopped myself because I would just hurt him if I stayed around. How could I possibly do this, tell a complete stranger my problems. I needed help yes. I needed help from myself. I should have been commit for fucking up my own life, I was never the perfect girl everyone thought I was. I was scared and alone,. But I was a writer, a good one at that, I was the it-girl here in New York. I wrote the stories about young girls and shoes. I knew fashion better than anyone my age. I had a job at the Time when I turned 18. I had a book on the selves by age 20 and now 22 I was still in the same place I was when I came to New York. Where people knew who I was, but didn't know me. The real Isabella Swan who hid and ran from her problems. Back then, when I first stepped into that office seeing Rose I felt so small and broken. I never let it show. I put on make up to hide the bags, I wore halters and sundresses when all I wanted were my sweats and a gallon of Ben and Jerry's brownie cluster. I wished the world would have swallowed me hole. Just have the chair eat me and I would never return.

"I have been having problems with myself. I feel like I will never be enough for anyone."

"I see, well Dr. Jasper will be here in a moment." Rose walked out and not a minute later Dr. Jasper walked in. He was blonde with very bright blue eyes, he looked so kind, like I could tell him anything and everything, and that's what I did. I told him everything. After that first meeting I walked out to Rose standing in front of me. She told me to follow her. We left the building walked to Jekyll and Hyde, started drinking and the rest was history.

Coming back to reality I saw we were nearing the pub and I paid the fare. I walked to the door ignoring the onlookers smiled at Embry and once he opened the door I walked inside seeing Rose in our normal spot. She waved and looked pissed. I walked over with my head down ordered a cosmo and shook my coat off. Rose waited until I took a sip of my drink before flicking my ear.

"OW BITCH! Jesus I said I was sorry. I was writing him." I put my hand over my mouth.

"Are you telling me you sent the email?"

"No, I'm telling you I wrote it." That got me another flick "SWEET BABY JESUS OW!"

"Why didn't you send it bitch?"

"It was too much Rose. At least it's written. I've gotten that done, next is pressing the send button."

"Bella, my dearest friend, you have to send it. It may help open you back up. What if he responds that he has been waiting for you to say that."

"And what if he doesn't. What if he doesn't do anything, just like he has been? Then I'll be back at square one."

"Bella don't think like that."

Rose understood and tried to push me to follow my goal. I drank my first cosmo another one followed thanks to Sam. I smiled at him and took a sip.

"Bella, I know it hurts," You have no idea, I think as I take another sip. "but you have to follow through. Just think he could just show up at your apartment tell you he has always wanted you back and fuck your brains out." I smirk knowing that won't happen.

"Rose, even if that were too happen it would be a little too good to be true, a dream prolly."

"Bella send the damn e-mail." I nod, never really thinking about sending it.

Looking away from Rose's bitch eye, as I have come to call it, I look in the mirror behind the bar. I look like the perfect girl. Beautiful, charming, sweet, kind, one of a kind. If that's how I look then why do I feel like I'm ugly, bitchy, moody, mean, and invisible. I don't know why I couldn't send the email. I know what I can blame but in the words of Dr. Hale, "Where would that get you? A shitty mood with a frown on you face. Did you know it takes more muscles to frown then smile?" I smirked when he said that to me, because it's true. No wonder my face hurt so fuckin much sometimes. Or is that the fake smile….hmmmm. While having this inner battle with myself I don't notice Rose trying to talk to me.

"….so I asked him out. We are going to Planet Hollywood Friday night."

" Uhhhh…..Sounds fun."

"You missed all I said didn't you Isabella." First name I'm in trouble.

"Ummm…. If I say yes will you still give me that look?" That earned me the middle finger.

"I said, Emmett still hadn't asked me out. I was getting really pissed with all the staring and flirty. So I fuckin ignored him. Still not a damn thing,. I mean come on how did ignoring him not work. I give the best fuckin silent treatment in the world. So I grew the pair he couldn't and asked him out. We are going to Planet Hollywood Friday night."

"Wow Rose….You know how to get what you want. Why does it always seem to be so easy to you?" I laughed only half meaning the last sentence.

"Bella, it can be that easy for you. Just send the fuckin email."

"Rose, I really don't think I can yet. I mean come on. I would be even more fucked up with no response. Isn't it better to just let it go and not have to worry about getting hurt worse."

"Sweetie, I don't think you could get anymore broken. Just send the damn email. Have I ever lead you wrong."

"Well lets see, there was that one time when you told me the "hot" guy was staring at me and to go talk to him. I go and he asks for your number. Or that time when we were here and you said Sam was flirting with me, turns out he's gay. Or how about when…." My mouth was suddenly covered. Quite rude.

"Ofuckink I fuckin get it, alright? Holy crap, just take this advice, Jasper said the same thing. Just send it. New subject, lets find you a good looking guy to dance with for the night so you'll forget Fuckward."

Rose always had a name for him, but I think Fuckward was her favorite. Sometimes it's Assward, or Dipshitward. Or my personal favorite, He'llbesorrywhenikickhisassward. I let out a giggle and Rose looks at me.

"He'llbesorrywhenikickhisassward."

She smirks and another drink is in front of me before I finish the last sip I had. I smile at Sam and I turn to look around, my eyes get big as I swing back around facing the a mirror and cover my face still looking behind me the mirror as my foggy view.

"Uh…Bella, what the fuck is going on?"

"Nothing, it's just….. I could have sworn….there's no fuckin way….is there?" I continue mumbling to myself as Rose looks at me like I've lost my ever loving mind and shrugs.

"What the fuck are you talking about Bella?"

"I thought I saw him. I told you I'm starting to imagine shit again." I notice Rose look around then grab my hand and lead me outside.

"Come on, you head home and I'll call you in the morning."

Rose called me a cab and I went home, but not without noticing how she walked back into the pub with a very pissed off look sporting on her very pretty face.

Well what did you all think? I hope you all enjoyed it and I will see you tomorrow with chapter two.