Wow I didn't know it was this easy to post here!
Well-- we'll see what happens.
This story is --my first SH fanfic. I posted it on lists in 2006 and it's on BCL--- so some of you have probably already read it.
Please forgive any errors.
I've got something new coming out soon and I wanted to see if I could work out this thing!
Trish
Starsky's and Hutch's relationship may have finally met its challenge when some harsh words from Starsky and some mental and physical injury to Hutch may make it impossible to put it back together again.
Angry Words
Disclaimer: These guys don't belong to me. They know who they do belong to. I don't make any money from telling stories I wish I had seen when they was on TV.
Special heartfelt thanks to my beta reader Donna Engle -- her passion and skills contributed greatly to this story.
Chapt1
Starsky held his hands out in a non-threatening way as he approached the trembling man who looked in his direction and tried to push himself further away.
"Hutch. It's me, buddy. Starsky…," he pleaded softly. "Don't wanta hurt ya, ok? Just wanna see if you're alright, that's all."
Hutch shook his head, his eyes not meeting Starky's as he turned his head in the opposite direction.
"Hutch, please?"
"NUUUhhh." Hutch yelled at him and raised his hands to cover his face. "Nooo…Nooo more, no more, no noo…" his voice falling off.
"Ok…Ok, partner." Starsky backed off. His eyes teared as he looked at his friend and what they had done to him.
A paramedic approached Starsky.
"Hey, I'm Jones."
Starsky acknowledged him with a nod but kept his eyes on Hutch as Jones continued.
"Look, we need to get him to the hospital. We're gonna have to rush him. If you can help hold him, maybe we can get 'em strapped down somehow and transported outta here."
Jones looked around the dirty abandoned, broken down warehouse and thought it didn't seem to be the safest place to be hanging around.
"Can't we give him something to put him out? I don't think he's gonna go willingly. I don't wanta take a chance on hurting him any more than he has been, ya know?"
"Detective Starsky, we can't give him anything till we evaluate his condition. Don't think we can do that here. Let's just get 'em strapped and get him to Memorial."
Starsky and the two paramedics, Jones and his partner Willet, stood back watching Hutch and thinking about the challenge ahead of them.
How were they not going to hurt the officer who looked like he had bruises, cuts, and injuries from head to toe?
Jones sighed heavily. "Guess we better just do it. Let's split up."
Each of them took a different position as they surrounded Hutch.
Willet slid the stretcher within reach and whispered to Starsky. "We'll wait for you to make your move, Detective."
Starsky didn't want to traumatize his friend any further than he had already been, but Hutch needed to get to a doctor. That was the truth. He moved in closer and squatted down in front of an agitated Hutch, who mumbled incoherently, as he tried to press himself into the corner he had backed into. He still did not look at Starsky as he raised his hands defensively in front of his face.
"N-N-No, No, n-n-no no…" Hutch stammered as he began to sob.
A broken hearted Starsky moved quickly and threw himself on Hutch, grabbing and pinning down his arms. Hutch cried out in pain and Starsky felt so bad he thought his heart would burst.
Hutch ferociously kicked out his legs hitting Willet in the chest and to the floor. Willet scrambled back to his feet and rejoined Starsky and Jones as they worked hard to get Hutch securely strapped down to the stretcher. Once they had finished, they all sat back exhausted, their eyes still wild from the battle, wondering what had happenedto Officer Hutchinson.
Starsky, terrified for his friend, crawled back over to Hutch touching his still trembling body. Hutch flinched away from his hand. His eyes, wide open, had no life in them. Starsky studied Hutch's bruised, swollen, and broken face. When Starsky reached out to touch his face, Hutch turned his head as far away from him as he could. Starsky let his hand stray over Hutch's hair.
"Ok, buddy, won't touch you…okay?"
Hutch didn't want the doctors to touch him either. He struggled valiantly to free himself. The nurses had to cut off his clothes so that a partial examination could be done. With the state Hutch was in, no x-rays could be taken.
Starsky was in a daze as he listened to the ER doctor's monotone voice.
"… 4 broken fingers, left wrist broken, bruises on chest, face, stomach, back, and …look like boot imprint…likely indicate some internal injuries… bleeding… can't verify until x-rays and more thorough examination. I think he's got a busted ear drum…busted blood vessels in left eye might indicate some vision loss …bring in specialist…Right now I'm more concerned about the severe dehydration. Doesn't look like he's had much to drink or eat, that represents its own problem. Could be good part of this anxiety we're seeing…worst case scenario we could get some organs shutting down, kidney failure. It's not uncommon for us to lose a patient…"
Starsky could feel the darkness closing in on him…wanted to block out the voice.
The doctor had been able to administer something to relax Hutch and they would wait until he was less agitated to start treating his injuries. An IV had been set up immediately to start Hutch's rehydration treatment.
Starsky sat in a chair next to the bed as the drug worked its way through Hutch's system. Unable to touch his friend, who had not acknowledged him, not been comforted by his presence, not looked for him…
Starsky thought about how Hutch had taken some hard hits over the last couple of years. Forest had terrorized, tortured, and humiliated him-strung him out. Vanessa had kicked his heart around and tossed their marriage aside like yesterday's garbage- had been killed in Hutch's apartment…Gillian lied to him and was killed cuz Hutch was a cop.…Abby.
Hutch was still recovering from some of that stuff…trying to get his feet back under himself, but time and time again something would happen to knock him back down. It took a lot of guts to keep moving forward and Starsky admired him for that but, really, how much could a person take?
Now Hutch was not just physically wounded- his spirit had taken another wicked beating.
He had been missing a week. Probably, in that time, no one had touched him without inflicting some kind of pain…torture.
Starsky closed this his eyes and could hear the taunting voices of Hutch's tormentors who had tried to kill him, destroy his soul, break him down. They had done their job well.
The more Starsky thought, the more frightened he got.
How was he going to be able to convince Hutch there was a safe place for him to come back to…especially after that last night… and those angry words. Oh, God!
Yea, the world was cruel but sometimes even those folks ya think love you… can be cruel.
Unconsciously, he reached out touching Hutch's hand. Hutch gasped roughly and tried to twist his hand away. Drawing his hand back, Starsky leaned in closer to Hutch, who turned his face away from him.
Starsky spoke to him softly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" He rubbed his head which had started to throb. Throb from the anger he had to keep in check.
What had they all done to Hutch?
Starsky knew what harm he had inflicted…but what had they done.
He thought about the girl. She would tell him everything or…
The sad face he wore did not disguise the angry determination that now possessed him.
Yea, she would tell… would tell him everything.
Chapt2She had both taken and saved Hutch's life.
Starsky had been at his desk, his head in his hands, rubbing roughly at the ache inside. The same ache he had since the night he had found Hutch. He looked up to find Capt. Dobey talking to him.
Dobey had called him David –that was a bad sign, and had requested his presence in Interrogation Room C.
That's where the girl and her baby were.
After she told him what she had come there for, Starsky didn't know if he wanted to kiss her for giving Hutch back to him or kill her for the part she played in his disappearance.
"Tell me where he is," he hissed through gritted teeth.
As he barreled out the door, Capt. Dobey yelled after him that he'd make the call to get emergency medical care to meet Starsky at the warehouse the girl said she hid Hutch in. Starsky and the paramedics did find Hutch's body there, but Starsky was still looking for his mind and spirit.
He needed to know what happened to his friend.
He couldn't bear to leave Hutch alone the first night in the hospital. The very next evening, though, he went to the hotel Dobey had tucked the girl away in. Dobey also had assigned a uniform cop to guard her and prevent her from wandering off and disappearing back into the city streets.
Starsky's eyes were cold as they devoured every detail of her.
He needed the truth and she had better give it.
The girl had more than enough street smarts to sense what a dangerous situation she was in. The tension in the cop that sat across from her was visible as he tightly squeezed together his hands as he held them up in front of his face. His shoulders were hunched forward and she knew he was not in the mood to be played with.
She had glanced once into the turbulent eyes that held her in his gaze, and thought he reminded her a lot of the Durango Brothers, and she knew immediately she would do whatever he asked her to do. She pulled her baby closer to her.
"Tell me everything," he said with a quiet intensity but it was as if he had screamed it at the top of his lungs. He leaned in closer to receive the sad tale.
She told him how the Durango brothers used her to entrap the detective. They had heard him when he was in the hardware store talking to the owner and found out he was a cop. Eli Durango, the oldest brother of the three, had just gotten out of jail and was mad at everybody and everything.
She thought they were just gonna have some fun but things got out of control. Something about the cop rubbed Eli the wrong way and he lost it. The other brothers were scared of Eli. They all were.
She had tried to get them to let her feed the detective but Eli only let her give him water a couple of times. They beat him up the first three days and she remembered how once Eli was so pissed that he held the cop's handcuffed hands in between his legs and was breaking his fingers until the cop had cried out. The next day Eli broke his wrist and Hutch had passed out as the three men kicked him around the room, laughing and calling him names and telling him ain't no brothers in blue comin to save him.
For the first time since she spoke, Starsky looked in her eyes, tears streamed down her face. He saw how young and vulnerable she was and how sad she looked as her eyes connected with his, but he quickly looked down.
He was not ready to show her any mercy.
"Go on," he said tersely.
"I thought they wuz gonna let him go…don't know why I thought that. They never blindfolded him. I guess I realized they were gonna kill him…"
She looked up at him again and this time Starsky would not meet her stare.
So she continued.
"I couldn't let that happen. I could tell he was a nice guy so I started thinkin' about how I could help him…"
Losing her composure, she gasped and swallowed hard, bringing a hand up to her throat. "It was terrible…"
"I'm sorry…" she told him in an obvious attempt at an apology, which he made no attempt to acknowledge.
Starsky closed his eyes to prepare for what was coming.
She went on without his urging. Her voice had a strange mechanical sound as she tried to distance herself from having to reexperience the event.
"They all got drunk and wanted to play that game. They were drinking and Eli had gone downstairs. When he came back upstairs, he was sooo angry. I knew it was bad. He dragged me where your friend was. I said to him to let me put the baby down but he…didn't hear nuthin. Then he was dragging your friend over to the table…putting the gun in his face. Eli took all the bullets out 'cept one and then Eli told him… he was gonna get just what the cop asked for but it was gonna go down his way. He put the gun to my head and told your friend it was his choice … I was shaking, ya know. He…he was GONNA KILL ME. Just like that. Unless…unless the cop would take the round for me. I wasn't even sure the bullet was in there, you know, they call it Roulette, something?"
"Russian," Starsky uttered in a pained hollow voice.
"Yeah. Russian Roulette. Your friend was scared. I could see that. I was scared, too. But he got right up in Eli's face and said he'd take it."
She stopped looking up to Starsky, searching his face for the answer she was looking for.
"He'd take it for me? Nobody ever done anything like that for me. He didn't even know me. Hmm…then Eli pressed the trigger down. It was sooo quiet. I could see he was shaking … but Eli and them just bust out laughin', it was mean… wasn't right. Then he asked him again…and again…and t- the cop kept saying he'd take it."
She paused again, then in a pitiful voice, "Then… I seen it… in his eyes. He was gone. I seen the moment he gave up, it was a sad… he looked like a lost little kid – he was somebody's baby, it wasn't right. Ya know?"
Speaking with an intimate casualness now, she continued, "I think they seen it, too. Eli put the gun down, like he came to his senses but it was too late. It was all still. We wuz all looking at the cop. Then…then they left him alone and went back upstairs. Somethin' told me when they woke up both of us wuz gonna be dead. So I went over to him, Detective Hutchinson?" She asked.
Starsky didn't respond.
"I went over to him, told him I was gonna help him, get him…get us outta there. But he just said …don't matter, don't matter…no one cared." She swallowed hard. "I never seen a look like that, his eyes wuz dead."
Starsky stood up abruptly, moving away from her, almost staggering out of the room. He pressed his way past the uniform cop who stood at the door, gagging as he made his way outside into the cool night air. He failed to vomit up anything from his empty stomach. Starsky couldn't even remember the last time he had eaten. But he still tried to rid himself of the story he had just been told as he retched over and over again, pulling taunt his now aching stomach muscles.
Maybe Hutch had died then, maybe there was nothing left to save.
Now the anger was back.
Starsky paced forcefully, trying to reign it in… not to unleash it- back out into the world that had born it.
Still a cop, right? He had to check himself, get control back…get back to the hospital and help Hutch.
He stopped pacing back and forth and fell to his knees on to the cold wet grass.
He held his head back swallowing the air in big deep breaths, pleading with the darken sky, to the stars, to
God that this had not happened! His whole body ached to go back to the way things were. When he had
his friend and they were conquering the world, spending a quiet night at home with pizza and beer. He allowed a low guttural groan out, the only expression of his pain and anger safe enough to release.
The girl's words…Then.. I seen it… in his eyes… he was gone. I seen the moment he gave up…
Lots of people had something to say about the connection between him and Hutch. But neither one of them had ever tried to explain it. They had just clicked. Whatever the connection was, it had its own power, energy, direction… and they both were wise enough to honor that… to follow it.
It was a gift and now it was gone. But the power was still there. Now he could feel all that energy working against him…like a vacuum, absorbing and destructive. Starsky felt like he was spiraling out of control.
Both of them alone now…on either side of the expanding gaping abyss between them.
Still a cop though, right?
Chapt 3
Hutch spent two weeks in the hospital. He was healing physically but the psychiatrist, Dr. Spencer, couldn't make a chink in the emotional armor that Hutch hid behind. He stared off blankly, responding
only when someone made physical contact. Pushing people away made it difficult for the nurses and doctors, forcing them many times to sedate him to administer his treatment or examination. Dr Spencer also put him on some psychiatric meds that only added to keeping Hutch unreachable. Starsky's frustration grew as he felt Hutch slipping further and further away from him.
He caught Dr. Spencer one day as he was exiting Hutch's room.
Starsky grabbed his arm aggressively. "Doc, look. There's no way I'm gonna let you keep Hutch drugged out of his mind cuz you guys can't figure out how to help him. Look… just release him," getting in Dr Spencer's face, "…and I'll take him home and work with him to get better."
"Don't be naïve, Detective…take him off his meds, you take him home-leaving him open to any…well, anyway, I guarantee you it won't be pretty. You might very well have to call for help to peel him off the ceiling or the ground underneath some open window."
That comment forced Starsky's grip to slip as he stepped back dropping his glance to the floor. Dr. Spencer thought he saw Starsky shudder as he considered the scenario of Hutch trying to hurt himself to put an end to his pain.
Putting his words carefully, " There… just.. has to be.. more.. something else…"
"Yes. I was actually thinking the same thing. Come on over to my office. We need to discuss a few things about Detective Hutchinson's rehabilitation."
Starsky tried to process all that Dr. Spencer had just said.
"I don't know," Starsky said nervously. "Maybe he just needs more time."
"Your partner doesn't need anymore time alone with whatever is going on in his mind, doing more damage to his psyche is not …Look, this is my recommended treatment. Now, I can do this with or without you. I Just thought you would want to be involved."
"Ok…Ok. I do…just seems kinda drastic."
"Detective, the situation is severe, don't you think?"
Starsky couldn't deny that.
When Hutch was so ill in the beginning, Starsky was at least able to sit in a chair next to his bed. He talked quietly to him, trying to reach the man inside, his friend, somehow. As Hutch got better though, Starsky's presence in the room appeared to aggravate him. His BP would rise and he would get anxious. Covering his ears and moaning as he rocked back and forth proved a successful move in getting Starsky banished from entering his room.
Now, Starsky's visits consisted of him loitering around the nurse's station and soliciting as much information about Hutch's day from them as he could. He would hang around outside the door to his room and sometimes catch a look of his ailing friend and worried about how pain he was in. It was hard for him to deal with Hutch turning away from him. Thought about how he had hurt his friend and pushed back down the bitter bile left by the stupid attacking words that had built the wall that now was between them.
He couldn't even bear to tell anyone. Not Huggy or Capt. Dobey.
The last words he had spoken to Hutch.
So Hutch was sent to Eaton Place.
Fifty miles of out of town. Several beautiful warm homes renovated to house patients needing the kind of help only Dr. Elise Webster could provide. She offered unique alternative care that would allow Hutch to get the kind of stabilizing treatment he needed without pumping him up with drugs to control his every waking moment.
Starsky had not been allowed to see Hutch at all during his first week of stay there. He did talk to Elise, she insisted he call her that, on the phone. If Starsky wasn't so angry at being forced out of Hutch's life, he could really appreciate the melodic soothing tone of her voice. But the only thing he wanted to know was when he could visit his friend.
Elise spent almost twenty minutes daily talking to him on the phone about Hutch's progress…off meds… not as anxious, still not talking…doesn't like human contact but no more violent outbursts…he's become aware of his surroundings and easily follows instructions.
He's not a robot. He's got opinions, strong ones, sense of humor, a heart big as… where's that guy? That's who you need to be working on- not some guy whose gonna do what he's told!
Every time she called, he could feel the anger pricking at his sensibility but he tried to listen attentively.
Still any news about Hutch was better than nothing.
Finally, one day she told Starsky, "Ok. Come on up. Wednesday at 11am."
Starsky could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he got out of the car. He was finally gonna get a chance to see this friend. Why was he so scared? What if Hutch didn't want him around anymore? Couldn't blame him. Elise had told him earlier that day something had come up and she would not be there to meet him but would arrange for one of her facilitators to be close by until she arrived.
Starsky entered Hutch's room. It had a warm, airy feel with lots of windows. Just what Hutch needed, he thought.
"Hello, I'm Serling," reaching for and shaking Starsky's hand, "Elise said you'd be stopping by."
The guy smiled cheerfully at Starsky and then back at Hutch.
Peeking over to Hutch, who sat on the bed with his back to them, he announced, "Hey, Ken, I'll leave you two alone. If you need me…I'm right down the hall, ok?"
Hutch didn't respond and didn't look at Starsky either.
"Hey," Starsky said as he entered. He looked closely at his friend who looked so ill the last time he saw him. He studied his profile and thought Hutch looked so much better. Coloring looked good and he didn't see the tension in his body that had possessed him when he was in the hospital. As he moved to get a better view, he could see that even though Hutch's eyes didn't have that sick, sunken in look, there were still dark circles under his eyes and he still had that slight tremble that he had since the day Starsky found him at that deserted, rundown warehouse.
Hutch knew he was in the room but he didn't acknowledge him. Starsky could see his body responding to his presence as Hutch raised his shoulders, and seem to pull his body into himself stiffly. His head nodded so slightly. But he wouldn't look.
"Hutch, you look good… I…Elise, thought it was ok I could see ya today. Look, I don't want this to go on any longer. You and I…we gotta fix this thing, ya know."
Now, Hutch turned his back to Starsky, pressing his eyes closed as if again to block out Starsky's presence.
"Come on, buddy."
Hutch pulled back as Starsky reached for his arm.
"Hutch! You know me, talk to me, TALK TO ME!" his volume rising.
Hutch scrambled off the bed, away from Starsky. Starsky followed him around the room. Confronting him and grabbing hold of Hutch, he wrapped his arms around him hugging him to his chest.
Hutch mumbled frantically, "No No NO , NO…"
"You know I'm your friend, I WOULDN'T HURT YOU FOR ANYTHING!"
There was quiet as the irony of the words amplified the distance between them.
Hutch's body stiffened and he turned his head away from him, refusing to look at Starsky.
"No No NO No no," he almost moaned.
Starsky leaned back to give Hutch a desperate look, his guilt weighted their bodies down as Starsky continued to tightly hold on to him.
Elise entered the room
"Detective Starsky. Let him go, please," she said firmly.
She walked to him and put a hand on Starsky who was almost shaking in frustration.
"Let him go."
She put herself in between them as Starsky released him.
"Ken, everything is alright. You must be very tired. Why don't you take a nap and I'll check back on you in a little bit, ok?" she said sweetly. Drawing his attention, Hutch looked down at the floor, calming his breathing.
"Thank you, Ken."
She pulled Starsky out of the room. As they got some ways from the room, she turned on Starsky face to face.
"Don't ever do that again! If you can't control your emotions, just stay away. He doesn't need anymore dramatic scenes in his life right now!"
"Look, lady, what you don't seem to understand is that he is my best friend…"
Cutting him off, she said, "What you don't understand is right now, I don't give a damn about your friendship!"
Starsky, stunned into silence, stared at her, hurt, and confused.
"Come out here." She went outside to the porch. "Sit down."
The smell of honeysuckle and fresh cut grass surrounded them.
Starsky obediently sat down on the wicker couch. She sat close to him.
She sighed sympathetically and continued in a softer tone.
"David, this is not about you and Hutch. If you are here trying to save…salvage your relationship- you just don't need to be here. This is about Ken, damn it. I don't even know if there's enough left of him to recover. You told me about the challenges he's had recently. The world haskicked his ass, he's beyond wounded…he's broken. I'm not sure I can put him back together again."
She stopped speaking and Starsky looked into her face.
"Do you understand if you are going to be coming up here, angry, hotheaded, pushing, pulling at him- he's gonna keep shutting down and I'll have to start all over again making him feel safe again?"
Starsky let his eyes fall to the ground rubbing a hand once more at the ache in his head.
But Elise wouldn't let up.
"He's hurt. Everything hurts. His mind, thoughts, his spirit has been trampled on, beaten down, humiliated, abused, and his body is still healing. I know he's in a lot pain- but he can't express that now.
I just can't have you bringing that kind of negative energy. We don't have the luxury of dealing with how you feel right now. So it's up to you if you can't handle it…Hey, take tonight and think it over. If you think you really have something to contribute to his healing process, let me know. Otherwise, just stay away until he's doing better and then you can see if your friend is still there for you!"
Chapt4"Can you believe it, Hug? Our company shrink turns Hutch over to some wacko.
And I'm supposed to just back out of the picture. All she knows about him is what is in his files. How is she supposed to help him?" Starsky turned around in the bar stool to face the bar owner, finishing off the beer he had been nursing for some time.
"Well," Huggy said carefully, "…sounds like she's on to something with this mind, body, spirit stuff."
"So...I get it. You think I should just get outta the way, too?" Starsky replied, almost threatening.
"Starsk, I told you once before-a bear get a look at you - he'd die a fright."
Starsky looked at him red- eyed.
"Well, how do you think Hutch feels right now when he sees you coming?
He's been around enuf bad guys for awhile. Probably don't matter what side you're on. All he knows, people start getting hurt, hurt bad when that much anger gets in the room."
Putting another freshly poured beer in front of his cop friend, he continued, "Look, my man, Hutch is your friend. He don't need your thoughts of revenge and anger crowding him into a corner."
Strange metaphor, Starsky thought, reflecting back to Hutch at the warehouse.
"You love him? Let the doctor try and help him."
Starsky knew Huggy to be very wise, especially when others were afraid to speak, but still found himself stalking out of the bar.
He walked angrily through the streets, bumping into people…looking for a fight. Walked and walked and somehow ended up back at his car.
Still needing to be close to his friend, he drove to Hutch's apartment.
He let the water run and splashed the cold water on his face. Catching a look at himself in the bathroom mirror, he was startled. He didn't like the sullen face that looked back at him.
Oh, God, is that what Hutch saw when he looked at him today?
It was a fierce looking mask, colored with black circles under the eyes, angry lines he never saw before leading into the taunt mouth, jaw was tight- ready to clamp down on its prey, and his skin was almost a grayish tone. His eyes were the worst, wild- unfamiliar, they held no warmth. He felt like he was looking into someone else's face.
Yea, he was angry. Someone had handcuffed Hutch, broken his bones, beaten him nearly to death.
Had held a gun to his head in a menacing game of Russian Roulette, pulling the trigger over and over till Hutch had to escape- hiding himself deep inside of his soul-to keep out the attacker.
Dropping on to the couch, he realized this had started out being about Hutch…but, yea, now this was about him. He wanted revenge, wanted his partner back, wanted his friend back, wanted life the way it was, like nothing had happened.
Starsky had been afraid to really deal with what was going on with his friend…how much damage had been done to him…maybe couldn't be fixed.
This had to be about Hutch. Helping him to find a place where he could feel safe again. Help him bury all the monsters he had after him… Forrest, Vanessa, Diana.
Help him find something to smile at. Just a minute of not being afraid somebody was going to try to hurt you and he had hurt him, too, hadn't he?
He thought about the conversation he had with Hutch the day before he disappeared.
How he lashed out at him with words designed to sting…and the hurt look in Hutch's eyes.
"You're some poor excuse for a friend, buddy. (Buddy dripping in caustic sarcasm). Why don't you just mind your own business for a change! Not like you got it all together, ya know. Like the world is sooo much better off with you here to tell everybody how to run their lives!"
Sure, he was mad when the prosecutor had dropped the case against the 18 year old car thief who took a swing at Starsky during his arrest and somehow ended up with an unexpected midnight visit to the ER. And Hutch had pleaded with him for the 100th time to go talk to someone else if he couldn't talk to him…couldn't share with him what was turning him into a raging bull.
It really wasn't about the words so much as it was about the beast inside Starsky that had delivered them and planted the blistering seed inside Hutch. A seed that was meant to bring forth a horrible harvest. And Starsky had been an eager and willing participant in his friend's entombment. The last words Starsky had said to him forever trapped inside Hutch, who had closed himself off from the world…inflicting their intended damage over and over again.
Starsky didn't know exactly when it all started. When the anger had taken over his life. Maybe a bad bust, or a brutalized body, or a wrong take- out order. But it had slipped in and he didn't fight it off. He had opened his arms wide to it, savoring it. First, brandishing on the sales calls that came too early in the morning or too late at night. He heard the rude sound that was becoming his voice, saw Hutch's eyes squint as his aggressive driving forced other cars out of his way. Now, he had let it destroy his friend. What a price to pay.
For weeks Hutch had tried to reach through the distemper that alienated him from Starsky. And Starsky had been the one pushing him away. Now…
Starsky could feel the beast still holding on. Standing in the background, trying to creep out and finish off what was left of Hutch. He wouldn't let it happen. Wouldn't hurt his friend again.
Elise's words had stung so badly because they were true.
At this point, he and Hutch may never find their way back to that special bond
they had. He would have to live with it. A lesson learned the hard way.
Never give reign to the monster within.
Never strike out haphazardly trying to hurt everyone and especially not someone you loved unless you were willing to live with the consequences. The possibility of never being able to take it back, apologize, or ask forgiveness was the penalty. At least Hutch was still in the land of the living. Someday he'd tell him how cruel he had been to try and hurt him like that.
He was so sorry.
It was sunrise. He felt a peace for having accepted the truth. Hutch's recovery, not their friendship, was the most important thing.
Maybe the partner thing, Starsky had tried so desperately to get back, was a selfish desire.
Maybe Hutch couldn't be a cop any more. Not like this life had brought him any great rewards, had tried to destroy him, kill him. Maybe he was too fragile to take another blow like this. If Hutch couldn't be a cop, that was ok. Maybe they could still be friends.
Maybe not, who knew.
But he'd be strong for Hutch and face whatever was ahead because Hutch had always been there for him. Been through a lot together, loved each other more than family.
Starsky would just trust that if he put Hutch first, everything would be all right. That's what meant the most to him, now. Just let Hutch be all right.
Whatever Elise asked him to do, he'd do it without raising a question, or eyebrow.
He'd tell her so that morning.
Chapt 5
"Good, David. I'm glad. Ken needs you. Just wait for him. He'll let you know when he wants to let you back in. I really believe you want the best for him. You just had to blow off some of that fire that was burning you up inside."
Starsky smiled sadly. "That's a good way of phrasing it. That's just what it felt like."
"I know, and I couldn't let Ken get burned," she said in an animated voice.
"I know we're a bit unorthodox here, but I want to let you know what to expect. We encourage all our patients to make their own choices on what they do with their days. They decide when they eat, what they eat, when they sleep…we accommodate them wherever we can. We have cooks on call 24 hours a day. I know it seems simple but life is about choices, isn't it? Sometimes people have to relearn how to make those choices, trust themselves to be who they are, again. You start with the little things."
"So how is Hutch adjusting to all this?"
"I spend a lot of time with Ken. If not me, than Serling or Adele are always close by to make sure he feels safe. I don't give him a lot of alone time right now because his thoughts…feelings creep up on him at anytime. Fears overtake him and he's not quite ready to deal with that. He doesn't trust anyone, including himself. Kinda leaves him hopeless and sorta helpless, too. You might think there's not a lot going on but it's really about helping him to feel safe… to make his own choices."
Laughing lightly as she continued, "It's amazing as you see people start weeding out their likes and dislikes…building a little confidence and getting in touch with themselves. Then we move on to some of their lifestyle choices. Remind them who they are in the world. Early on we gave Ken some suggestions about things to do with his day…hmm…maybe go to the beach, read, play tennis, basketball, swimming, go for a drive, whatever. We always encourage him the best choice is for him to get out of his room but, if that's not working, pretty soon we'll bring in some buckets of paint and suggest he start in on redecorating if we have to. Every patient is different. Ken is still dealing with physical recovery right now so I think he's going to need a few more weeks of letting his body heal before he can think about if he wants to take on the world again."
"You said he had pain?"
"I believe so, he's not really sharing that information. But with the injuries he has, there's no doubt that he is in pain. Of course he won't take any of the pain meds I discreetly leave laying around his room for him."
Starsky smiled to himself- yea, that's the Hutch I know.
"Ken does spend a lot of time in his room. He's often very tired. He tries to nap during the day so he can stay awake at night. Still some monsters under the bed, ya know. Doesn't sleep restfully. I'm sure he sees a lot of things he doesn't want to see when he closes his eyes."
Elise gave Starsky a moment to absorb all she said.
"David, visiting family and friends often get so wrapped up in resolving relationships, making sure their feelings are heard. I'm here to make sure the patient's feelings…Hutch's feelings, don't get diffused… lost, so that he can't hide out in this process. He's gotta do the work but I'm here to fight for him, because he's not able to do that right now. Understand?"
"Yes, yes, I do. I got that now."
"Just hang around, patiently, in the background. If you guys are as connected as I believe you are,
Hutch will know you're here. You can visit him in his room. Don't talk to him unless he speaks to you first – that's gonna be hard. Don't stare him down, nothing intimidating like that. Smile at him. Get connected to what's going on around you, that's what he'll be doing. So when he is ready to reach out to you –you won't stand out like an invading virus. Become part of this environment, safe and nurturing, and I promise you if you do that, he'll open up to you again. Who knows, you might be the key to this whole thing. Ok?"
"Ok," Starsky said with commitment.
"One day at a time, David. That's the best way to start."
So, Starsky became part of the quiet background.
Dobey let him change his hours so that he could get to Eaton Place by late afternoon. Sometimes, he'd leave work early. Starsky never missed a day to be with Hutch. He worked hard to hide his anger over what had happened to his friend and his need for revenge.
For the first week, he didn't hang out much in Hutch's room. Starsky ate meals with the group, talked to the other patients and facilitators. When he did visit Hutch in his room, he sat quietly reading a book, sometimes doing crosswords or working on the huge puzzle that Hutch had started.
He watched Hutch from a distance as he wandered the grounds – Elise, Adele, or Serling traipsing nearby.
Hutch moved slowly, tentative of where he was going. Sometimes Starsky would see him wincing, and tiredly sit under one of the large trees on the property. Always thinking…processing. He looked confused. Often times he'd see Hutch swiping away his tears before they would hit his cheek. All the time Starsky's heart ached for his friend. Waited for the day he might catch Hutch smile.
Prayed that he might find a moment of real peace.
As fate would have it, the Durango brothers ran into trouble with another cop in Phoenix, resulting in their arrest. Phoenix PD was transferring the brothers back to Bay City to face kidnapping and attempted murder charges of a police officer that awaited them.
Hutch's torturers.
Starsky was more than anxious to get in their faces…look into the eyes of the men that had put his friend through a hell he still had not returned from. He started to feel that anger tickling around his throat, threatening to swallow him up…but he couldn't allow it.
Elise was having a barbecue. She had asked him to come early to help with the set up and cook for the patients and staff. He couldn't disappoint her or himself, he had been looking forward to it. The timing sucked.
But he'd excuse himself early and would soon have his hands around one of their throats, soon enough.
Breathe.
It was a beautiful day and Starsky was enjoying himself as folks surrounded him…asking for burgers cooked to various degrees, burnt hot dogs, and corn on the cob. Starsky was really proud of how the barbecue chicken brought many fans to his hidden grilling talents.
As he laughed and talked, he could see Hutch off the side, watching…studying him for first time in a long while. He smiled warmly back at him, feeling a little self-conscious as he continued with his grill master tasks.
Starsky was firing up the last of the hot dogs, planning his exit, when he turned, almost walking right into Hutch.
"Why are you here?" he asked pointedly.
Starsky was stunned…not even able to respond to the question before Hutch walked away.
"I…" Starsky found himself alone.
He wasn't sure what it all meant but it was the closest thing to a conversation him and Hutch had since that night and those cruel words.
Starsky remembered the three thugs waiting for him to interrogate but felt compelled to stick around for a while. He finished helping Elise and staff clean up and glanced at his watch. It was 5 pm.
He found himself back in Hutch's room.
Hutch sat with his back to the door looking at the lush greenery outside his window. Starsky had told Elise how much Hutch loved plants and saw that his room was starting to fill up with them.
He took a seat in the corner and sat back and waited.
Several hours passed without Hutch looking his way.
He started to feel like maybe he had read the whole thing wrong. It was nearing seven and he was anxious about getting back to the precinct and to Eli Durango.
Alright, he thought, I better get going. He rose, making it to the doorway.
"Stay," Hutch said quietly.
It didn't take more than a second for Starsky to turn around and move cautiously back into room.
Hutch crawled into the bed pulling up the blanket around him. Starsky took a chair close to the bed.
Sitting there, he could see Hutch was still haunted with the slight tremor he had since the first day Starsky had found him.
Hutch studied Starsky's face purposefully and Starsky couldn't look away, even though he could feel the tingling of shame stinging his eyes. He lowered his gaze hoping to mask the pending arrival of the tears creeping up. Hutch's faltering hand reached toward him, his fingers glancing over the top of Starsky's hand and then drawn back under the covers.
It was almost like it hadn't happen. But it had. Hutch had reached out to him, touched him.
When Starsky looked up at Hutch again, his eyes were already closed.
Starsky knew immediately that Hutch was trying to bring him back into his trust. To watch over him while he slept, trusting him again…trusting someone to care for him. Protect him from the ghosts of the past that kept at him while he was sleeping.
He let the tears fall. But smiled as he sat watching over his friend.
Forgetting about his wrath, revenge, and interrogation of the Durango brothers.
He watched Hutch sleep. It was painful to see him tense and struggle to get some rest but even though he slept, Starsky could see there was nothing restful in it. Elise had told him that Hutch probably found no peace when he closed his eyes, but it was a difficult thing to see up close. Starsky wanted to give him a comforting touch. Found it difficult to not gather up his friend in his arms and tell him everything was ok. He slipped his hands under his thighs as a reminder to not touch Hutch and destroy the trust he was trying so hard to rebuild.
Around 10pm, Hutch opened his eyes suddenly. Seemingly startled at Starsky's presence. He kicked off the blanket and a mist of perspiration covered him, his wet shirt clung to his body.
Starsky held up his hands in a defenseless posture, giving Hutch a moment to process where he was.
"Why did you say that to me?"
Chapt6The words pushed Starsky backwards and out of the chair.
"You're some poor excuse for a friend, buddy. Why don't you just mind your own business for a change! Not like you got it all
together, ya know. Like the world is sooo much better off with you here to tell everybody how to run their lives!"
Oh, God. Starsky wondered if Hutch could see the shame as it engulfed him.
The moment he had dreaded… flooding over him, drowning him. Starsky scrambled to his feet, knocking over the chair, bringing his hands up to cover his face. The sob exploded up from inside him. He lost his bearings wanting to make his way out of the room, couldn't process where the door was. His fear that the cruel words had done the damage he thought they had done was true…added to the horror Hutch had lived through. Participated in his destruction.
He blinked frantically trying to clear his head and vision, to make his escape from the room but Hutch- his face twisted in shock as he nervously ran a hand through his hair- stood directly in front of him.
Oh, no, now he's upset. Starsky thought. This is exactly what Elise asked him not to do.
He gulped loudly trying to catch his breath but could not stop the onslaught of gasping, hyperventilating threatening to overtake him.
Hutch paced in front of him, pointing to the bed.
Starsky tried to move forward again but Hutch, looking scared, again pointed to the bed.
Starsky confused, shook his head and tried again to pass him.
Hutch finally pushed out he words, "…s-sit…sit…sit down…" he said, sounding frightened.
Starsky immediately did what Hutch asked.
Not able to stop the mania, Starsky sat, covering his face. Trying to hide his shame from Hutch. His shoulders shook. He needed his friend back in his life. His tears were for the shame of what he had said to Hutch and for the lost of his best friend. It had been almost two months and Starsky couldn't take another minute of this. Needed the mountain that separated them gone. Needed to plead with Hutch to forgive him for his cruelty, for not honoring the bond that he had so recklessly destroyed. The gnawing pain in his stomach rocked him back and forth. He pressed his palms into his forehead, his fingers harshly pulling at his hair.
"Can't…can't take this no more," he groaned roughly to himself.
He could feel Hutch standing near and reached a hand out to him.
"I'm mmm…so sorry," in between sobs, "…sorry. I don't know why I tried to hurt you like that…you been more than a brother. You being my friend is the best thing that happened to me….don't make no sense- I don't know how I could have done that to ya."
Grasping at Hutch, Starsky caught his shirt in his hands and pulled Hutch to him.
Starsky threw his hands around his waist, pressing his face into Hutch's stomach.
He could feel Hutch's body stiffen and that hurt Starsky even more, but he couldn't let him go.
"I…I'd do anything if this hadn't happened to you… trade places with ya. I can't forgive what I did …you went through that hell feeling you were alone cuz of me..."
Elise turned the corner into the room to see Starsky pulling Hutch to him. She almost marched
in to stop the action but the sound of Starsky's weeping stopped her motion. She listened sadly to his confession and his plea for forgiveness. She almost felt like she should leave them alone but wasn't sure how Hutch would react to his friend's lament for compassion.
She saw that Hutch was alarmed when Stasky threw his arms around him, but he didn't move away.
He was in an emotional struggle. Starsky was asking him for help, and she thought this was as good a time as any to see if Hutch was ready to return to humanity. Put someone else's needs first. Pushing the fear and anguish aside would take a lot of courage, a sign he was ready to make his way back. She had to let it play out.
Hutch's face was hard to read as he held his hands above Starsky's head.
She saw Hutch raise his hands up as if he was going to push Starsky away. His body stiffened as Starsky sobs grew louder. He paused, looking at his friend.
The tension in his face softened and she could see Hutch was quietly crying also.
Now, Elise could see the struggle on Hutch's face- return to the safe world he had retreated to or to his friend …
Hutch's hands trembled above Starsky's head and Elise could see Hutch had made his choice as he hesitated but, then rested his hands on Starsky's head. Starsky sobbed loudly and hugged tighter to his missed friend.
Elise smiled. Starsky had his friend back.
Chapt7Starsky sat nearby as Elise started with the questions.
She felt this was the most important part of Hutch's treatment. Letting out what he had locked inside. Tell what had happened to him. Starsky had begged her to let him sit in. Elise told Hutch it was unusual for friends or family to sit in on these early sessions but something told her
Starsky's presence would be good for both of them, so Hutch reluctantly agreed.
Looking at the floor, he nervously alternated wringing his hands and running them through his hair. Lifting his eyes to Starsky.
"Why…why did you need to know this? It's… it's over now. I don't," stopping himself. Then in supplication, "It's… it's over now…"
Starsky was torn…Hutch must feel like this was more punishment. In his heart he knew Hutch couldn't move forward until he faced it. Hopingthat the comfort he and Elise could provide could bring him through the pain…the fear…the sadness.
"Hutch, buddy, nobody here wants to hurt you. You know that, right?"
Hutch stared at him…weighing Starsky's words and then nodded. "Yeah."
"I wasn't .." his voice catching forced Starsky to bite down on his lower lip to compose himself.
"I wasn't there to help you. I shoulda been…look, I need to be here now when you go through it this time. Elise says you need to tell someone what they…did, how you felt, right? You need to tell it and…and I …I need to hear..."
Looking up to Hutch now, his eyes pierced through Hutch's attempt to keep him out.
"Tell me…tell me what happened to you."
Their eyes met for a long time. Starsky's strong will would not let him go and Hutch knew that he would have to tell.
Hutch closed his eyes tightly as if he was playing back the whole scene in his head.
"I thought the baby was gonna die. She said she had locked the door, baby inside the car…it was hot and I just wanted to help her."
Then, carefully gazing at Starksy, as if to apologize for his mistake- for getting caught in the trap.
"That's alright, you just wanted to help," Starsky repeated.
Cruel bastards.
"Yeah."
Starsky saw the sadness enveloping Hutch's face and got scared for him. He turned to Elise wondering if maybe they should stop. His thoughts must have been written on his face because Starsky saw her shake her head no.
"Ken, you were trying to help the girl and her baby?" she asked, quietly encouraging him.
'I followed her to the car- I didn't even notice it was off the main street. I just kept thinking how hot it was,
did the baby have enough air, and maybe she should call for an ambulance, cuz.." falling off as if he was for the first time processing his feelings about the elaborate set up…the lie, entrapment. Looking again at Starsky, his embarrassment flashed and was hidden.
Hutch, you didn't know, babe.
"I saw the guys, three of 'em. They walked by. One of them looked at me like…something wasn't right but I kept thinking about the baby. I could see her. She was watching me…so beautiful. Then I… heard the voices, were angry and they came at me," he stopped.
The room seemed to take on a darkness as he continued.
"Then I…my head was hurting. One of them was in my face, he said I would regret it. I didn't know what he meant...he said…he," in a little mocking laugh, "…told me to take a good look at the man who was going to kill me."
Hutch rubbed the palms of his hand over his eyes trying to remove from them what they had seen.
Starsky felt the heat again but knew there was much worse to come and he had to let Hutch get it out.
"Not much you can say to that," adding a sad chuckle.
Starsky's eyes smiled at him and he touched Hutch's knee, feeling the trembling that had returned.
"The others were laughing and I could see the girl and her baby in the doorway- she looked sad…then ya know…they went to work…and I…was on the floor…they were kicking and stomping. I remember seeing this chair, it was wood and…I could hear cracking- I was hoping that cracking sound was that chair and not me. Then I remember lying there and I could see the sunlight comin' through the window. It was a little window kinda high up- figured I was in a basement ... and they were back. All I could think of was I wanted some water, I think I asked…that was a mistake cuz…" he stopped again.
His eyes filled with tears. "I don't want to tell…talk." Glancing at Elise, "Do I?"
She smiled sweetly at him, moving in closer to him, she took his hands.
"Let's just rest a few minutes."
Hutch nodded, staring off blankly.
Starsky knew he was there, in that basement, alone and terrified.
The air tingled oddly like they all were transported to the exact place and time Hutch seemed unable to move from.
In a stronger voice, "He was a big guy, pretty strong I thought cuz he dragged me cross the room like nothing. He tossed me on this couch I think and he had his, his…knee in my chest and he pulled my head up...and put something over my head, my face, everything…was distorted…and then I couldn't breathe. There was no air. I realized it was just a plastic bag. That's all. But I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, pressure on my chest pushin' out the air and I couldn't get any air. They all were laughing ... and I thought it was a stupid way to die…they always tell parents about the plastic bags ya know- kids choking…" he looked at them… "I felt like I was dying and…" he voice getting quiet "and…no one...no one..."
Shaking his head as if too painful to say, "No one would care." He looked guiltily in Starsky's direction but not at him.
Starsky took the blow straight on, catching his breath hard, but Elise gave him a cautioning look to be still.
"I didn't even know why I was there. It hurt cuz I couldn't breath and then…he pulled it up and I thought he was going to kill me and he …but he let me breathe….and then I knew he was going to do it again.
I don't know how many times but I felt like I don't want this anymore…want it to stop…"
Hutch's body was shaking.
Elise squeezed his hands in hers. Peeking into his face, "You did great. That's good for today. I'm gonna get you some of that special tea Adele mixed for you. Just rest your thoughts now. Tomorrow's another day, right?"
Hutch gave her a vacant nod. She whispered to Starsky as she passed him, "Don't push it anymore. He's had enough for now."
Starsky quietly took a seat next to Hutch, watching over him until the golden light of sunset filled the room.
Hutch hadn't looked at him again since the afternoon session. Finally, speaking to him, "It's no good, Starsk , I don't want to you hear this. I wasn't thinkin' straight… not your fault," tears filling his eyes again.
Rubbing big circles on Hutch's back, "I know," he said unconvincingly. "You rest now."
"Will you stay?"
"Of course, where else I gotta be, hmm?"
"I don't even know why," Hutch said pitifully.
"Shhh , sokay. Just rest now."
"Ok."
Hutch obediently laid down.
Soon Starksy could hear the steady breathing of sleep coming from him.
Starsky wondered if maybe Hutch had just been too wounded this time. Didn't know how to help him. Both of them were lost...caught up in this nightmare.
Chapt8
Starsky, standing in the distance, could see the dark room and the men who pummeled and kicked at Hutch. Had to help… blood dripped from Hutch'shead and mouth sprinkling the floor underneath him. Tears streamed down, making tiny rivers through the blood and dirt on his bruised face…Hutch opened his mouth to scream and nothing came out. Starsky could hear the laughter and he saw the gun…pushed painfullyin to the side of Hutch's panic-filled face. "Noo, stop!" Starsky yelled, stepping forward… a glass wall stopping him…he pressed his hands and body against it, screaming for Hutch…" I'm coming!!
No NO…" He heard the loud boom from the gun…
Starsky forced himself out of the dream, sitting up alone in his dark bedroom.
The terror of the dream still working on him. His body drenched from the cold sweat the dream
had left behind. He stumbled into the bathroom and splashed water on his face almost in an effort to wash away the vision that stayed before him even when his eyes were open. How had Hutch survived it?
"Ken, can we talk about the gun?"
"The gun?" responding to Elise in a faraway voice.
"Yes," she said. "Are you ready to talk about it?"
"OK." He smiled weakly and looked nervously at Starsky who gave an encouraging nod.
He closed his eyes and Starsky watched as Hutch seemingly transformed before them, bringing back the insanity into the room.
"I think the girl felt bad. She was young…with the baby, maybe she didn't have anywhere to go.
She looked scared. It was late, I could hear them upstairs, they were loud…couldn't make out the words, you could tell they were drinking…hoping they wouldn't come downstairs. So tired, didn't…didn't think…
I just wanted to sleep, I didn't want them…want them t-tt- touching me, no more. They wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes one would come back…just couldn't get enough…" getting louder, "…of hurting me, laughin'. I asked them what do you want! what do you want? and they just keep kickin'…punchin'…break my fingers…or…or whatever…"
He stopped to calm himself.
"Ok, ok…the gun," continuing in a ragged voice.
"So they were having the party when they came down the stairs. I lost it,"
Hutch's chuckling here highlighted the weird sound in his voice, " I told em…No more…no no
NO MORE…that they should just… kill...that's what I want. Just kill me. It don't matter…It d-don't matter."
He began to rock back and forth, breathing harder as held his head in his hands.
"Just don't touch me anymore. Just do it!"
Starsky stood up, crying and looking to Elise, "It's enough!" he pleaded. Elise caught him before he could reach Hutch.
"Let him finish," she softly demanded.
Hutch accented the words fiercely, "They stopped laughin' then," mocking them with his own scornful laugh. "The big guy said OK, cop, let's end it. He went back upstairs. I was almost relieved, it's over … Then when he comes back h-he has the gun."
He stopped, bringing up his hands as they twitched nervously, at the gun he saw floating in the air before him.
"….and she's in the room. The girl, with the baby…baby's crying…he grabs me and sits me down…and she's there. I don't want her in the room. H-He's talking…and the girl is cryin' and the baby…hurt to sit up. I got dizzy…so confusing. Then he's slapping me and I'm trying to pay attention…he's in my face and he's sayin' it's you or her, which one, cop? Which one! And then he shows me the bullet. Oh…I see. He wants to play the game…empty…the bullets…just one. I'm thinking maybe I don't want to die right now. I don't know, but she's so young. He's yellin' which one…which … pointing the gun at me and then her. I close my eyes and…and in my mind, I see blood on the baby's blanket… and…I start yelling ME, ME. He puts the gun to my head and I heard the click…" stopping and breathing out of his mouth, as he struggled to continue. "I- I- I don't know if…if…but I could hear them laughing. I know I'm shaking…I didn't want them to see me like that…but I was scared…and then he said that was cool. Let's try that again... I looked in her eyes and I knew she was sorry…and then I could hear click again I didn't know how…I kept hearing that click…but I decided no more…NO MORE!"
"I don't remember…I don't …I, I…"
Hutch was shutting down, giving in to the horror and the moment he purposed to end his connection to the world.
"…it's…it's…I-I-I…" his jagged breathing halting, frozen in the fear of death coming for him over and over again.
Starsky, suddenly very frightened for Hutch, released himself from Elise's grip on him and rushed over to his distraught friend.
"Hutch. Hutch? I'm right here. Nothin's gonna happen to you, I'm here."
Starsky carefully grabbed Hutch by his arms to face him as Hutch continued to stare ahead, riveted to the terror he was seeing.
"Hey, buddy, it's not true. Listen! It matters. Hear me? It matters. It matters a lot to me that you're in this world. You're the best friend I got. Ya hear me? There's a lot of folks who need you here. We love ya, buddy. Dobey. Huggy, your pals at work. Lots of folks…you're worth a lot, you're the best, Hutch. You saved that girl and her baby. She's the one who risked it all to get you outta there and tell us what happened to ya…cuz you make a difference. She didn't know anybody out there gave a rat's ass about her and you kept putting yourself at death's door to save her…she ain't never gonna forget that. But even if there weren't nobody else that knows… I know you're a special guy, you give all ya got."
Kneeling in front of Hutch and drawing Hutch's face to look at him, Starsky reached out a hand to stroke his hair as he continued, his voice choked with emotion, trying to bring Hutch out of the pit he had fallen in. "Listen, listen, partner. I'm sorry if I… if some stupid, stupid thing I said made you doubt…even for a second what a great friend …how important you are to me…the thing I'm most proud of in this life is our friendship…I need…you gotta get better…I gotta lot to make up for, right?"
Their eyes caught for a long time as Starsky could see Hutch begin to slowly yield to Starsky's words…a testament to his life. Something in his heart felt a warmth that had long been absent. He was part of something he had lost touch with. He had friends, and work he should be proud of. It was true…for the first time in a while the real truth was rising to the top and he didn't hear the ugly voices, mocking laughter, the pain wasn't the only feeling….
He was connected to the words…connected to something…to someone…to Starsky.
"Starsk?"
"Yeah, buddy."
"I want to get better," Hutch's eyes were wide with sincerity that brought fresh tears to Starsky's.
"I know, but, Hutch- you're not alone. You gotta let me and all the other people who care about you, help you. Right?"
Hutch gave a surrendering nod, "Yeah, I'm not alone."
He looked up at Starsky, offering him a real smile.
Never alone.
Starsky reached out a hand, lacing his fingers across the back of Hutch's head, bringing their foreheads together, quietly honoring their brotherhood…solidifying the bond that held their spirits together. The bond that kept them closer than brothers, a bond that would forever protect them from the terror of night or the arrows that fly by day- as long as they had each other.
They sat like that.
Starsky passing on to Hutch strength, power, and love from the man who had become his brother…more than a brother.
EPILOGUE
The Durango brothers on route to Bay City had somehow pulled off a bold escape, wounding three officers in the process.
Starsky knew one day him and Hutch might deal with that but now it was time for healing.
Anyway, Starsky knew that he himself was the one who had delivered the most devastating blow to Hutch.
Being in the torture chambers of the Durango brothers with only Starsky's angry words had left Hutch naked to the world, completely alone, allowing the wounds to seep deep into his soul.
Starsky vowed he'd never let Hutch feel that way again. He'd make sure that Hutch knew he had his back in this cruel world and nobody would be able to break their bond again. Certainly, he would never take it for granted again. Would spend the rest of his days making sure Hutch knew how important he was to him…that he was loved and respected for who he was in this world. So, if for any reason they were ever separated again, the bond that kept them…would sustain, growing stronger to battle any enemy that would seek to destroy them.
Starsky knew he was the one that had taken the life out of Hutch and that he was the one who had the most power to fix it. He would spend his life making that up to him…honoring Hutch and their friendship.
The most important thing in his life.
END
27