Blueshi is online.
Kanra: Sup.
Blueshi: How are you?
K: Apparently I have an eating disorder.
B: ?
B: Like you've been diagnosed or what?
K: Like my siblings made a surprise visit and saw that I have no food, and I've been technically underweight for a while, so…
B: Why?
B: Why aren't you eating?
K: I've just felt lousy
K: No appetite
K: It's not a big deal.
B: Not good if you're underweight, though.
B: Maybe buy some vitamins at least.
K: Oh, I've bought enough food to feed a small kingdom now, so that should keep them happy.
K: How are you?
B: All right. Work sucked.
K: Ah, the mysterious work.
K: I'm still dying to know what it is you do.
B: Can't
B: Not won't. It'll give me away.
K: Interesting…
K: I'll tell you what I do
K: You don't have to tell me in return
B: Go on
K: I'm a poet.
B: Lame :P
B: A famous one?
K: I'm out there :P
B: Good for you
B: I'd ask to see something, but I guess that violates our no revealing rules
K: It does.
K: Why was work bad?
K: Tell me your woes.
B: I just lost my temper with this one guy
B: It got out of hand
K: You sound like you lose your temper a lot, Blueshi
K: Not that I'm judging or anything
K: You're not Shizuo Heiwajima, are you?
B: Ha. No.
K: Because it would explain the temper, the hours…
B: You know him?
K: I know what everyone else knows.
B: He's hardly a celebrity
K: Oh, I don't know
K: He draws a lot of attention to himself, and his looks don't hurt
K: You there?
B: Yeah
B: Sorry
B: Phone went
K: All good
K: Hey
K: I was thinking I should tell you something
K: Not that it matters or anything
K: But you're the only person I'm honest with online and in real life, so..
B: You're not asking me out, are you?
B: No offence
B: It's just that I don't do online dating
K: Hahaha
K: No
K: Relax
K: I just wanted to tell you I'm not actually a girl
B: Oh?
B: Yeah, that doesn't matter
B: You could be a robot dog for all I care
B: Why the female username
B: ?
B: Gender issues?
K: Ha
K: No
K: Very happy with my penis
K: I just thought it would be interesting, to see if people interacted differently
B: Do they?
K: Not really
B: Yeah
B: It's online
B: But you know, now you've said that, something's been bugging me
K: Oh?
B: Are you Izaya Orihara?
K: No
K: But I can see why you would think that
K: The man has snark :)
B: OK
B: No way of knowing anyhow
K: Same for me
K: Do you have a problem with Izaya Orihara?
K: Are you Shizuo Heiwajima? :P
B: Haha
K: Let's not worry about identity issues
K: We both have enough personal bullshit to worry about without that
B: Agreed.
Kanra is online.
K: I've started running again
K: My physiotherapist is wetting herself with joy
K: I had months where I wouldn't cooperate with anything
K: Like I'd just write, and otherwise I'd barely shift in bed
K: Now it's like I have all this energy and I can't stop
B: That's great
B: But why wouldn't you cooperate?
K: I told you about the accident, right?
B: Vaguely
K: I was in such a bad way
K: I just couldn't see the point
K: And the whole thing was my fault
K: I was tailgating this guy, and I went right into the back of him
B: Ouch
B: Was anyone else hurt?
K: No
B: Well, I guess that's something
B: Everyone makes mistakes
K: Hm.
K: What's going on with you, Blueshi?
K: You always let me whine about my physio, my family, my writing, but you never bitch back
K: But you're always on here
K: Like you want to talk
B: Believe me, I tell you more than anybody
B: It's just weird for me
B: Even online
K: It's good though
K: Think about it
K: You could say anything, the worst thing you could possibly think of, and nothing could happen to you
K: And you could lose your temper
K: But not do me any harm
K: Maybe just your laptop would take a beating :P
B: Heh
B: Yeah
B: I don't know
B: I'm lonely
B: I mean
B: Why else do people use these things?
B: No offence
K: Oh don't worry, I'm the loneliest of all
K: Go on
B: Let me think
B: I'm scared of getting close to people so I don't
K: Why?
B: Hurting them
K: You've hurt people before?
B: I've come close
K: Sure you're not Shizuo Heiwajima? ;)
K: Joke
B: Lots of people have anger issues
K: True
K: So you don't have friends?
B: I have friends
B: But I haven't been in a relationship for a long time
B: I know it's not everything
B: But
B: I don't know
B: Maybe it's getting to me
B: God
B: I should have the female username
K: Sexist :P
K: You're not trying to date at the moment then?
B: No.
B: It always goes the same way
B: My problem becomes too much
K: Maybe you need someone with their own problems
K: To balance it out
B: How do you mean?
B: Everyone has problems
K: I don't know
K: Someone who can take it
K: Get you through the hard times
K: Because you're not an animal, it's just good days and bad days, like you said
K: Like anyone
B: I guess
B: How's the eating disorder?
K: Urgh
K: Neighbour brought me my favourite takeaway today, but it was from a terrible joint and I couldn't eat it
B: Free takeaway? It must be terrible or you really must have an eating disorder :P
B: Remind me to find out where you live and move there. I wish my neighbours brought me takeaway
K: Haha
K: Write poems
K: They were very sweet about mine
B: What's your favorite food?
K: Seafood
K: Always
B: Do you know Russia Sushi?
K: Who doesn't ;)
B: Just checking. You said you haven't lived here for a while
K: And you?
K: Favorite food?
B: Dessert
B: Anything milky and awful for you
K: Urgh
K: Sweet things weaken my powers
K: Why don't you do online dating?
K: It can be fun
B: You do it?
B: As a guy or a girl?
K: Both ;)
K: Haha
K: No, it's mostly just for chatting
K: You know me, wannabe-agoraphobic
K: It's perfectly safe and harmless though
K: Like this
K: So long as you don't do anything stupid
B: Do you like guys or girls?
K: Mostly girls
B: Same, I guess
B: Haven't really tried the former
K: You should
K: Might be missing out on something
B: Huh
B: Never given it much thought
B: I'd take anyone, I think
K: Ah don't say that
K: You said you have good friends
K: That's because you're a good guy
K: And you don't want to hurt people
K: That's more than a lot of other people could say
K: Don't be so rough on yourself
B: Thanks
B: Hey
B: I've been thinking
B: In our little rules, is age too much to give away?
B: Like just a range?
K: Well, we're both working and living alone, and neither of us are married/divorced with kids
K: I'd say leave it at that.
B: Ah
B: You definitely wouldn't have gone for my next question then
K: Oh?
B: High school
B: Ikebukuro's pretty big
B: Lots of schools
K: Still
K: if we did go to the same place, it would make things less fun very quickly
K: Even if we're different ages
B: Yeah
B: You're right
K: Why do you suddenly want to know more about me anyway?
K: Have I piqued your interest for online dating/the other side of the fence? ;)
B: Haha. No.
K: Sure?
K: I can talk dirty to you if you want
K: Use these rooms for what they're really meant for
B: It'd be one way of knowing if guys do do it for me
B: But let's not get weird :P
K: Loser :P
B: You don't even know what I look like
K: You could tell me :P
K: You know what I look like, unfortunately
B: ?
K: Underweight
K: Not exactly a turn on
K: I'm better, though
B: Good
K: But anyway
K: You were saying
K: I don't know what you look like? ;)
Blueshi is online.
B: I can't believe I actually got off on you typing at me
B: I feel like such a pervert
K: Haha
K: I feel good
K: I''ve had phonesex before
K: But not that
K: I was impressed
K: You still haven't told me what you look like :P
K: Just vaguely
B: Blonde
B: Tall, I guess
K: You are Shizuo Heiwajima!
B: What is it with you and Shizuo?
B: He get you off or something?
K: Why, are you jealous?
B: What do you look like?
K: Dark hair, slight, fur lined coat…
B: Very funny
K: Haha
K: Imagine
K: There's no way though
K: If you were really Shizuo and had the slightest inkling I was Izaya
K: Or if I was Izaya and had the slightest inkling you were Shizuo
K: Then we just wouldn't talk
B: Or get on
K: Exactly
K: Or get off :P
B: Haha
B: I only ever thought there was a small chance you were Izaya anyway
K: Oh?
K: That's funny
K: I was over like 50% that you were Shizuo
K: Just had a hunch
B: Do you know him?
B: Do I have stuff in common with him?
K: I think it's obvious you know Izaya in some way and I know Shizuo in some way
K: It's interesting
K: Do you like Shizuo Heiwajima?
B: Not much
B: Do you?
K: I don't know
B: You didn't think of Shizuo when you got off?
K: Once ;)
B: Definitely not Izaya then
K: Haha
K: Are you offended?
B: No
B: It's just a face
K: Who did you think of for me?
B: No-one
B: Just your words, your hands
K: My dick
B: Yeah
K: :)
Kanra is online.
K: Something weird happened
K: Like I don't want to put you off being my cyber boyfriend or anything, but
B: It's OK
B: Really
K: I made myself puke
K: I know it's disgusting
K: Like
K: I ate to shut my siblings up, and I've been feeling bad again
K: I mean, I used to do so much, I used to be so much
K: Now I write, I run, I talk to you, that's it
K: It's pathetic
K: I wanted to hurt myself
K: But slashing yourself is so dumb
K: Not that this is much better
K: But I thought it was maybe safer?
K: And it doesn't show
B: Have you done it before?
K: Never
B: Don't do it again
K: Don't worry
K: It's not like that
K: I'm not some idiot with a complex
B: If you want I can give you my number
B: If it happens again
B: We don't have to tell each other anything
K: It's OK
K: I won't let it become a problem
K: Not that hearing your voice wouldn't be nice :P
B: Get back on your feet in your own time
B: Don't be so rough on yourself
K: That's my line :P
B: Then listen to it :P
B: Look after yourself
K: Would you look after me if you were here? ;)
B: Your mood swings are worrying
K: Says the anger management man
B: I don't swing
B: I'm always angry
K: Always?
B: Most of the time
B: Talking to you helps
B: Not to get super cheesy or anything
K: 3
Blueshi is online.
B: Hey
K: Evening.
B: I was thinking
B: We've been talking for a while now
B: And I know we said we'd never reveal ourselves to each other, but well, I don't know about you, but it's more than just talking for me
B: You know where I'm going with this
K: Meeting IRL
B: What?
B: Oh, in real life
B: Yeah
K: I don't know
K: I like you a lot
B: I like you too. That's the point.
K: I'm kind of a dick.
B: I kind of got that
B: It's OK
B: You're all right
K: Overwhelming flattery as always :P
K: Maybe we should swap names and numbers first and see how that goes?
B: Honestly I think we should just show up and talk
B: It's gonna be awkward as hell anyway
B: Might as well leave something to talk about
B: All the things we never said
K: Almost poetic 3
B: You don't want to
K: It's not that
K: I do
K: I also really have a feeling you're Shizuo Heiwajima
B: You're not actually Izaya, are you?
B: If neither of us are those people, we don't have a problem
B: I'm trying to think of who else I know and wouldn't want you to be, and there isn't really anybody
K: Do I seem familiar to you?
B: No
B: You seem like someone completely new
K: So do you
B: Well?
B: If you want to just keep talking it's fine
B: I'm not going to go all crazy stalker on you
K: What if it's weird and it sucks
K: And then it's gone
K: That would suck
B: It won't be that bad
B: Not if we've meant all the shit we've said
K: Yeah
K: I have
K: I'm not underweight any more either
B: Good
B: I don't care what you look like though
K: I know
K: Just sayin'
K: I don't want you adding bulimic to your already flattering image of me as formerly crippled and shut-in
B: Get over yourself
B: Come on
B: Let's get a drink
B: All the time we spend staring at a screen, talking about a movie or whatever
B: Let's just do it
K: You're not nervous at all?
B: Kind of
B: Haven't you done this before?
K: Not with someone I talk to properly
B: Hm
B: It's been four months
B: We get on, we hook up
B: If not, it's no big deal
B: It's just a drink
K: Yeah
B: So?
K: OK
B: Hey I'm not forcing you
K: No it's OK
K: Where?
B: Russia Sushi?
B: Seeing as we both know it
K: How about somewhere further out?
K: In case we have friends in common or something
B: Good point
K: You can pick anywhere, you know I've been a recluse, I'm fine with anywhere
K: And you should give me your cell, just in case.
K: No-one likes being stood up
It's not Shizuo's number.
Izaya breathes a sigh of relief, even though he was only 1% suspicious that it would be. Shizuo could have easily changed his number.
This keeps coming back to Izaya as he sets foot back in Ikebukuro for the first time in years. The very outskirts, but it makes him nervous none the less. He'd been convinced of Shizuo waiting for him all night, all day, and now the only thing keeping him putting one foot in front of the other was the slight chance that his intuition could be wrong. Probably was wrong. After all, lately he is his own worst enemy when it comes to helping himself. Sometimes he just wants to stay in bed and rot and wish the monster had finished him off.
But as he nears the street the bar is down, his heart pounds and his palms turn wet, because what if it is Shizuo? Shizuo will kill him. He hasn't slept well. He's out of practice. He doesn't even know if he'll be able to outrun him. And that won't even be the worst part. The worst part will be looking in each other's eyes and realising.
He comes to an outright stop then, and a few people grunt and bump into him, nudge past. He sidesteps out of the way into a shop door, takes out his phone.
Shizuo, he types before he can stop himself. I know it's you. It's Izaya.
His phone rings almost as soon as he's pressed send.
A fraction of him prays to hear a stranger's voice; that he's wrong and it's just adrenalin talking. But no voice comes at all. The other person just holds the phone and waits for Izaya to speak. So does Izaya.
"Well?" the other barks eventually, and Izaya closes his eyes and wilts against the door because it is Shizuo, of course it is.
"It's me," he says. He's quiet but he knows the protozoan can hear him.
Shizuo hangs up.
Izaya texts, Sorry, then he runs home.
It takes Shizuo a few days to call back.
Izaya has not been expecting it, unless the protozoan really wants his address so he can come round and kill him. He hasn't been online, hasn't wrote, hasn't ate, hasn't been outside. He hopes he has it in him to run if he needs to.
He lets the phone ring out, and a text flashes immediately after.
Don't you dare ignore me, flea.
Izaya sighs and calls him back. "Yeah."
"I'll kill you for this." Shizuo's voice is shaking. "I swear to God, I will finish you off this time."
"Look, this is a very unfortunate coincidence for both of us," Izaya drawls. "Why don't we just- "
"You knew it was me!"
"I had a feeling but you denied it. Multiple times."
"So did you! And you said you were in a car accident."
"What was I supposed to say? Giant protozoan freak nearly broke me in two? It was supposed to be a secret identity."
"I fucking told you things!"
"I fucking told you things too," Izaya fianlly snaps back. "More things, if memory serves correctly." His hand hurts from clenching the phone. He forces it to relax. "Just forget it, Shizuo. No-one knows. It's done. We can't do anything about it."
"Don't ever speak to me again," Shizuo hisses, like a girl, and hangs up.
It's less than 24 hours before he calls back. Izaya doesn't let it ring out this time. It's not like he can pretend he'd busy.
"What, you think of more things to yell at me?"
"No."
He's quiet, and it alarms Izaya back into his old drawl. "I know, I know, I'm missing you too. It's a very confusing situation for your monster brain. But I promise you it'll pass. And yes, I'll stay out of Ikebukuro."
"Are you eating?"
This is so unexpected, so out of the blue, that Izaya thinks he must have misheard him. Then he realises the beast is probably mocking him. He has a lot of new material to work with, after all.
"Very funny."
"It was your own fault, you know."
"I know it was."
"I don't know what made you think you could beat me. I heard from Shinra and the others what a state you were in. I didn't feel good about it."
"Why? It was my own fault."
Shizuo offers no further comment to this.
"Are we done?"
The protozoan hangs up.
Izaya nearly throws the phone when Shizuo calls again. But, he is not the monster, he can control himself. He picks up calmly and civilly. "What now?"
"I think we should keep talking."
Izaya says nothing, waits patiently for Shizuo to explain how his monster brain cells came to this conclusion.
"I'm pissed as hell, I'm sure you are too, but, we got on pretty well. We talked a lot."
Izaya still doesn't react.
"Well, say something, flea."
"No." His voice comes out flat, all the bite gone. "I don't want you to know me like this."
"I already know."
He says nothing.
"You haven't thought about it at all?"
"I've been preparing for you to hunt me down and kill me."
"I was convinced this was some scheme, some game of yours."
"I wish," Izaya says. "Think about it, Shizu-chan. Can you honestly see yourself looking me in the eye knowing what I know?"
"You already know, it's not a big deal."
He sighs.
"Just think about it. It won't kill us to meet up and drink."
He hangs up.
Izaya sighs and plays with his rings. They are loose enough to slide around his fingers again.
"Izaya."
Izaya can tell by the growl that he is mad.
"Why am I the only one trying here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss a meeting?" he snaps. He is not in the mood for this. "Are we trying something?"
"I asked you to think about it," he says. "You could have called. Christ, Izaya, just talk to me. You've been managing it for four months."
"That wasn't you," he snaps, because he still can't connect the two of them in his mind.
"Let's just get a drink like we originally planned," Shizuo says. "For closure. I know it's ridiculous."
"It is," Izaya agrees. "I'll just be the way I always was."
"I'll chase you back out of Ikebukuro, then." He pauses. "You're really running again?"
"Oh, I'll outrun you, don't worry about that."
"Well, then?"
"All right." His tone is dull. He's not used to giving into people. He doesn't see how he can leave the house, let alone to Ikebukuro, let alone to Shizuo. They arrange a time and a date at the originally planned bar, and hang up.
Izaya forces himself to eat, as if he can gain back to a normal BMI overnight.
By the time the evening comes, he is so burnt out by every emotion he can possibly experience that he doesn't feel anything. He just wants it over with. If Shizuo goes for him and he's not up to the challenge, then it's too bad. He may have been running again, but he has no way of testing himself. But perhaps Shizuo hasn't had many people to chase since he's been gone. Perhaps they are both rusty.
Fortunately, Shizuo merely looks as awkward as he feels. They don't quite meet each other's eyes.
Izaya falls into the seat beside him. "Shots then drink?"
"Oh yeah."
Izaya orders a bag of salted nuts with his drink, to prove he eats like a normal human. He notices Shizuo glancing at him when he thinks he's not looking, like everyone does, but it happens so often that he's not sure if it is actually there, or if it's just in his head.
"I'm so psyched to finally meet you, Blueshi-chan," he gushes. "You're everything I imagined you'd be."
"Knock it off," he mutters. But then he glances at Izaya again. "You're not as scrawny as I thought you might be."
"I'm so glad, I was worried about your approval all day."
"Are you really a poet?"
Izaya looks at him properly for the first time, but his face is open, unmocking.
"Shinra said you had a thing for that in high school. But I didn't know you were like, that good."
"Does Shinra know?"
"No. Do you use an alias?" he asks, not one to be distracted.
"Obviously."
"What is it?"
"I'm not telling you."
"You're that bad, huh?"
"Yeah," he says. "I can bring up your bullshit too, you know."
"I'm not getting at you."
Izaya shrugs and drinks more. He is beginning to feel it, despite the nuts, but he has a second round with Shizuo, determined to keep up with him.
"You got off thinking of me?"
Izaya looks at him through a slight haze, trying to pinpoint where in the conversation that had come from. "Careful, Shizu-chan, I have plenty of nasty things to use against you, too."
"You don't have that."
Izaya just looks at him.
"What the hell flea?"
He shrugs. "It was hot."
"You're getting drunk."
"Don't get excited. I don't put out on the first date."
"God." He starts digging around in his pocket, presumeably for his lighter. Izaya beats him to it and stumbles outside, breathing the night air like he'd been underwater. It is deliciously cool. He leans back against the wall and lets the alcohol through his blood.
"I'm not enjoying myself, either," Shizuo tells him, when he finally finds his stupid lighter and joins him outside. He struggles to light a cigarette. "But, it's not terrible."
Izaya snorts in reply. But, his recently healed bones are still intact so far, so he has to concede that it is maybe not terrible.
He doesn't know how long Shizuo smokes for, but they are silent the whole time. He doesn't even notice when Shizuo put it out, when he steps away from the wall, but the next thing he is in front of him, kissing him, and Izaya is letting him.
"I agree," Izaya murmurs, when they eventually pull back for air. They have somehow wound up pressed against each other, and he holds on for balance.
"What?" the protozoan says. "I haven't said anything."
"You were thinking it," he says. "That we should fuck just once to get this out of our systems once and for all."
"I wasn't – "
Izaya kisses him to shut him up, and it's almost as good as it is in his head.
"Izaya," Shizuo warns, like it's a protest, but it's his name, not flea, and he's breathing hard and he's still pressed against Izaya so that his spine digs into the wall. "You're drunk."
"I don't care."
"I thought you didn't put out on the first date." A little sneer has crept into his voice, and Izaya laughs at him. It is the first time he's laughed in a long time.
"I'm glad my boyfriend is so virtuous IRL."
"IRL? Oh, for God's sake. Look, I'm calling a cab for you. You're pissing me off." He tries to pull out of Izaya's arms, only Izaya steps on his toes and hangs on.
"A cab? No chase?"
"You'll probably fall and die. That's the last thing I need on my conscience."
Izaya isn't listening. "You're scared," he taunts. "You know you won't have to hold back with me. You know I'll give you what you need." He's not even sure what he's saying, but Shizuo goes still and swallows. It's clearly working. He knows he should be preparing to run, for the pain of a blow to his head or gut, but he can't bring himself too – he's missed the pleasure of taunting Shizuo too much.
"Just once, flea."
And just like that Izaya knows he's won, though he can hardly remember what the game is any more.