.:AFRAID:.
By BlackFireXD13
Words: 1,330
It's never like I didn't acknowledge him. Of course I did. He was always alone. I was alone too. That's how we are connected. We were the same in our loneliness, that was our kinship, our bond. But, as I said before, there are different depths of loneliness, different kinds of levels to that pain. For example: I had a loving, caring family, but they were ripped away from me, my entire clan...by my beloved aniki. My life was twisted on end in one night...in one night I lost who I was, and this is how I am now.
He, that dobe, he never had anyone to begin with. He was alone from the very beginning, as I have told him, he was always on the 'outside' looking 'in,' much like how I was always on the 'inside' looking 'out'. Ostracized, ignored, brushed off as an annoying pest. He always wanted to be the center of attention, always wanted to be 'acknowledged' by anyone. I'm sure he felt the pain of loneliness, the same as I did, but also, not the same. I wonder what is better. Having never known the treatment of a loving family, and then loosing your best friend—because that is what he said we were---or having known that wonder and have it taken away by that very person you loved most... Like I said, how could he know? How could he begin to understand my pain? As much as I can begin to understand his. He doesn't understand, and that is how he turned out.
We are polar opposites. Like the sun and the moon, I guess is an appropriate synonym. We have a similar past, a similar creation, our pains are similar, and yet, we are so, so very far apart. And now, I'm determined to release myself of these shackles that he calls 'bonds of friendship.' While he clings to them in hopes of never being lost again.
I cut those 'bonds' with him. I eclipsed that bright sun in my life with the crimson moon that is my revenge, my brother, and I cloaked myself in the darkness of my hatred and goals. I was to sever the bond, slice it away so cleanly, that it would heal almost immediately, so I could rise from the bloody ruins like the proverbial phoenix form the ashes, and gain the power to avenge my clan. But. But. But he's always chasing after me. Always. Running, straining, reaching into my darkness to shine his light and 'save' me. That hand of mine that was supposed to hold the blade steady to sever that line was knocked aside and caused me to loose my balance, and now that cut is not healing cleanly, but more like a ragged scar.
I still left him, though. And that village. The village that was my home and shishou for so long. But I left. I went to find my power with Orochimaru. I know he wants my body. I know he's training me just so 'his' body will be that much more stronger when he takes it. Yet I still left. I had no problem with this. As long as he keeps his end of the deal, then I will have my revenge and rest peacefully. And if it wasn't for that throbbing scar that he left with me, I wouldn't even be second guessing. I told myself... I told myself that, 'today, I won't say his name out loud...' His name would cause a fire in that scar that would bring me to my knees in self-doubt that I could not afford in my goal. Then, after accomplishing that, I told myself that, 'now, I will not think his name.' Which took awhile. I had made a habit before, to call that usurotonkachi as little as possible by name. And then, U told myself to forget him. TO make that scar disappear altogether.
But I couldn't do that.
I could stop saying and thinking his name, of course. There's enough descriptive and original insults that I can call him that I wouldn't have to call him by name for the next twenty years. But that image, I couldn't erase that image of him. His bright blonde hair sticking wildly in spikes and that gaudy orange out that screamed for attention and wasn't suitable for a real shinobi... His loud voice that gave away our location more often than not and usually ended with that obnoxiously catchy 'dattebayo!' And of course, those soul searching azure eyes, no matter that the last time I saw them they were crimson with determination and power.
That power. He didn't even work for it? It was sealed inside him, the very thing that made me recognize him, that gave him a chance to 'save' me, was the thing that caused his pain in the first place. Orochimaru told me about the Biju and Jinchuriki. I never knew that he held such power. Of course with my sharingan I'd glimpsed his unbelievable chakra. I saw its destructible strength first hand. And when I faced him... Dammit, I was almost to weak to defeat event that dobe! And still, even though it was crimson eyes that I faced last, before the tanned eyelids shut to send him to unconsciousness, and that was the first time we saw eachother's respective secrets, it's the memory of the sheer clear blue of his eyes that are forefront in my mind day after day I train.
But I got through it. I had two and a half years to kill my emotions. And I was doing so well.
And now, I stand above them, my heart beating calmly in my chest, when my brain thinks it should be speeding up with... anxiety? Anticipation? Fear...? Something. I think I feel nothing, as I watch Sakura almost incapacitate my replacement. I speak up. Now she looks at me with surprise and something else. It looks almost as if she has gotten stronger, more controlled, but the widening of her jade eyes, the slight trembling in her body, the way her hand loosens, then lets completely go of her 'adversary,' my eyes catch it all, and I know she is still weak. And then comes the other. I find out quickly that he's Kakashi's replacement, and I think that I should have a curiosity as to what happened to my old sensei. He taught me chidori, my second chakra nature change and my main weapon, besides sharingan. But nothing happens. And now... it's him. He stumbles into my vision.
His bright hair, I notice immediately, has gotten only a slight bit longer, his new headband not holding even attempting at taming it. The orange and black clothes he wears, they almost make me wonder if he had the urge to actually be stealthy at times to dull down those colors—they would be the third thing I noticed if he hadn't looked up just then.
Eyes, his bright. Deep. Impossibly clear. Blue eyes. Widening at the sight of me. And I almost find myself lost. Almost find myself crumble under the pain that suddenly spread through me, all my efforts to ignore and cauterize that wound he I carelessly left open those years ago. I need him gone. I can't let him distract me.
I'm afraid of what I can loose again... if he gets close to me, after two and a half years of training myself to forget him... and it's all gone down the drain as I say his name and fail in every aspect I've tried to hold myself to.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will be brought home.
I'm afraid that I will never avenge my clan.
I'm afraid hell teach me that I can forgive my brother.
I'm afraid that he'll weasel his way in again, that I'll have another precious person that will eventually hurt me.
And...
I'm afraid.
That it's already started again...
[AN:: There was more, but it felt covuluted, I wanted Sasuke to not get mixed up in so much *present* thoughts, that's the only reason why it's so short! O.o' Oh, yeah, very first story posted here!]