And so there's a change in your emotions

And all of these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind

-.-.-

He's dirt broke.

It's been two years since he graduated from Hollywood Arts, and Beck Oliver is honestly fucking exhausted. When he looks at his life, all he can see is what everyone else does: a twenty year-old, wannabe actor who still lives in his parent's driveway because he can't afford to live anywhere else. He sees a failure, and feels like a fraud. While everyone around him has moved on and is doing something with their lives, all he has are dreams and twenty-seven dollars tucked away in his old leather wallet.

And her, he always has her.

So here he is, sitting up in his tiny bed, in his tiny RV, with his girlfriend lying fast asleep next to him as he contemplates life.

He might be a little happier about it if he at least had enough money to buy her a nice dinner every once in a damn while.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?"

He breaks away from his thoughts and looks down at her wide eyes. Noticing that they're blue today, or at least the sheets wrapped around her make them look that way, Beck brings a hand up to cup her cheek, and his thumb traces over jawbone as she leans into his touch. Her voice is groggy and her eyelids flutter close as she languidly tries to fight off the sleep she just woke from.

"It's early, you should go back to sleep," he tells her, avoiding her questions. He's pretty sure she won't be too forthcoming of his thoughts, and he doesn't feel like explaining just what a failure he knows he is to the only person who still believes in him.

Jade arches her back, stretching out her muscles as she crawls up his body until she's practically lying on top of his bare chest. Her fingers lazily create uneven patterns on his abdominal muscles and she lifts her head so she can press a soft kiss to his jaw. Lifting her arms to wrap around his neck, she murmurs "come sleep with me," as she softly tugs at his body until she successfully pulls him down onto the pillows with her, and Beck can't stop the smile that forms on his face.

This is his favorite time with Jade. He loves seeing her in the mornings, when she's sleepy and pliable. All of her infamous walls are down and she's completely opened and vulnerable to him and his decisions. She trusts him enough to let him in. Her now-short hair is tangled due to his fingers running though the silky strands the previous night. Her voice is sultry and her eyes are heavy with exhaustion. And, as the cherry on the top, she's usually naked and wrapped up in thin sheet that leaves nothing to the imagination. Or, maybe, what he loves most is that in an almost primitive level, he can smell himself on her and he knows that she's his.

And, somehow, that makes everything else okay.

-.-.-

It's the typical set up.

He's walking through another party, trying as hard as he can to avoid mingling with the high-class guests he's basically obligated to be cordial to. In one hand he carries his ever-present glass of whisky. It's a habit he picked up a few years ago; destructive, really, but there's just something so enigmatic and refreshing about the way the burning liquid feels as it slides down his throat, that he knows he won't give it up any time soon.

A high-pitched laugh erupts from a nearby woman and, for a second, his mind flashes back to a petite redhead he used to know. It's not the same, obviously, and he feels a wave of disgust wash over him when he detects the lack of honesty in its tone. Cat Valentine had the most sincerely laughter he'd ever heard, full of innocence and blissful, childish ignorance. Her personality made him long to be protective of her, shield her from the cruel reality of their world. A surrogate brother, of sorts. He wonders where she is, and if perhaps she's married or doing something exciting with her life; something meaningful, before deciding that it really doesn't matter. Shrugging the treacherous thoughts out of his mind, he returns his attention to the patron, knowing that there's no way that girl would be here. And, even if she was, she wouldn't be laughing in his company.

It was common knowledge who she'd sided with.

It's not that he regrets it. He'd always known what he wanted and what he'd have to surrender in exchange. It was his proverbial Deal with the Devil, and one he'd reaped in great benefits from. Gone were the days in which Beck Oliver was figuratively unknown or striving for work. Two years after he'd graduated, an opportunity (in the form a cut-throat agent) had presented itself to him and he'd grabbed onto it with both hands. Unfortunately, nothing in Life came without strings.

Or, the requirement that they be cut.

Ambition means nothing if you're not willing to make a couple sacrifices.

-.-.-

"You have everything we're looking for, and we want to offer you the job."

Beck blinked in surprise as the woman in front of him gave him a blank stare. Here she was, delivering the news that promised to completely change his life for the better, and she looked as excited as a kid being told they were banned from eating candy. The woman, Anna Scherz, was notorious for being one of the most successful agents in the industry, and every single actor or actress under her leadership and agency had made it Big.

"Wow, that's just, amazing," he gaped out, running his hand through his hair in a visible manifestation of his nerves. A tick he'd never been able to get rid of, if you could call it that. It probably has something to do with his surroundings and the fancy office he's standing in at the moment, but it all seems overwhelming and surreal. "Thank you, for the opportunity," he manages to get out, before a smile forms on his face. "My girlfriend is going to freak when I tell her."

She arches an eyebrow at his words, and her lips purse in disapproval. "I wasn't aware you had a girlfriend, Mr. Oliver," she remarks, her voice prim and proper, and for the first time, Beck thinks he can hear a slight German accent in her voice. "I'm afraid that's going to pose a problem with your situation."

"What are you talking about? I don't think I understand…"

"It's not very hard to understand. All we're asking is that you follow the plan we have set out for you. You being in a relationship with this young lady does not fit in with the image we're planning to create for you, the one you need to be successful in this industry."

"You want me to break up with my girlfriend of five years, only so I can fit into the image you want?" Beck questioned, his voice full of disbelief as he wondered what exactly was going through this lady's mind. What the hell was wrong with her, to believe that she could come into his life and demand he make all these changes for a job?

"Let's be clear here, Beck. I don't have to pick you; there are about a hundred other actors who are simply waiting for me to even answer their phone calls. But, there was something about you that seemed to stand out, so I want to give you a chance," she answers, dropping her binder on a table and pausing to take a sip from her cappuccino before resuming her speech. "I've been in this industry for the past fifteen years and I know how it works. Now, when I say something is going to work, it does. Always."

"But there has to be another way," he insists, pleading with the stoic woman to understand and be reasonable. "I love this girl, and I was going to ask her to marry me," he confesses, hoping to illicit some sort of emotional response or sympathy from her.

"Honey, you're twenty years old. I can assure you that you won't feel the same way about her in five years. If you go ahead and marry her now, you might as well kiss your career goodbye. Starting right now."

"You don't understand," he starts again, but Anna cuts him off.

"No, what you don't understand is that you need to be out in the scene. You need to take this deal and catch a plane to New York. You need to date starlets with way too much money and paparazzi's flocking around them. You need to dump this girl and this life and reinvent yourself. You need the kind of connections that I can help you make, not the ones your high school sweetheart has, since those are obviously getting you nowhere."

"But I love her," Beck repeats, dropping his shoulders in defeat.

"You do now, but you won't soon. This deal leaves with me, Mr. Oliver. You agree to the conditions and take it now, or I find myself another actor to promote," she deadpans. "Now, I wonder where I'll find one of those in Hollywood?".

"I don't know what to say."

Her face softens then, and she looks at with a look that could almost be mistaken for sympathy. "Beck, people want somebody they can fall in love with. The fans want to believe they have a chance to marry their favorite star, they need that hope. Everybody loves a bad boy; they crave that danger and excitement. Us introducing you as a boring, married man is the absolute worst thing we can do," she tries to explain, before changing tactics in search for the weak point. "Don't you want something better for your life than what you have right now? Don't you want to be somebody?"

Beck shuts his eyes tightly as the words resonate in his mind. She's managed to hit the bull's-eye in just a few minutes, and he hates himself for seriously considering her offer. His mind flashes back to an image of Jade, smiling at him with eyes full of love and understand, trust, and his fist clench around the material of his flannel shirt. Against his conscious and reason, against his heart and his every instinct, he turns to face the woman who currently held the key to his dreams and asked:

"Where do I sign?"

-.-.-

A deafening murmur breaks out in the crowd as a mixture of voices gossip over the newest arrival. Beck doesn't even have to strain his ears to catch the name, and he doesn't bother to hide his annoyance at the new presence.

Ryder fucking Daniels.

They'd both began their careers at similar times, on rival TV shows, and the press had wasted absolutely no time in comparing them and their popularity. Their entire careers had consisted of constantly trying to one-up each other; whether it be based on the number of Box Office Hits they each had, the amount of music videos they appeared in, or something as petty as the notches in their belts: it was all the fucking same. A smirk forms on Beck's handsome face as he remembers the one thing his rival had always wanted and never been able to get. A sense of smugness spreads through his chest as he recalls her love for him, only him, and the loyalty with which she'd always proven it.

What Ryder Daniels wanted the most, ended up being what Beck Oliver needed the least.

Funny, the way things seem to pan out with time.

"Who's that girl with him?"

The question catches him off-guard, and Beck takes a moment to scan his surrounding and try to decipher just what was making such a commotion. It doesn't take him long to point out the girl in question.

She's facing away from him, but he can tell that she's beautiful.

A red dress hugs her figure, emphasizing every curve of her luscious body. Her chestnut brown hair cascades down her back and the tips of it flair out in soft waves. The exposed skin of her back is a creamy pale that reminds him of cool summer nights, and her long legs are perfectly toned and without flaws. All of those things he could deal with, though, it's what happens after that flips the tables.

She turns around, and his heart skips a beat.

The first thing he notices is that she's only grown more gorgeous with time, if that was ever even possible. Maybe it's the vibrant red dress, or the lighter hair, but there's something about her that glows; makes her look like an ethereal goddess. Her lips, painted a bright, cherry-red, part into a wide smile and all Beck can think of is the last time he'd kissed them, and how they'd tasted of tears and regret.

"Look at her, walking in here like she owns the place," a blonde next to him sneers, jealousy obvious as she stares at the new arrival with deep contempt. "Didn't she read the invitation? This is a Black & White party, and she's in here wearing red and demanding attention like some kind of whore," she scoffs.

Beck fights off the urge to defend his ex-girlfriend's honor and lets his curiosity take over instead. There's no way he's letting her leave without getting a word in. He thinks that maybe now that he's famous they might have a chance, or that at the very least he can apologize for the way things had ended between them three years earlier. However, all reasonable thoughts leave his mind as he watches her interact with his proclaimed rival, flirting and grabbing onto his arm like some fucking schoolgirl with a crush. The irritation that courses through his veins at seeing her with Ryder is nearly crippling, but he forces himself to remain in place and wait for his chance to approach her.

It doesn't take long.

Around twenty minutes after they arrive, Beck watches as Ryder leads Jade away from the crowd and excuses himself after leaving her by the bar.

Perfect.

Making his way through the crowd, he zeroes in on her and stops only once he's directly behind her. Tapping her shoulder, he prepares himself to study her every reaction in an effort to know how to handle the situation. If there's one thing Beck has always been good at, it's reading Jade West like an opened book.

"Jade," he calls out, soft and in a whisper that makes their incoming conversation sound like a secret affair. She turns around, surprised that somebody there knew her name, and her expressions turns into one of curiosity when she realizes it's him.

"Oh, hello," she greets him, a wide smile on her face. "I don't believe we've met."

That shocks him. "You're joking, right, Jade?" he asks her, narrowing his eyes at her as she tilts her head in confusion. "Neither one of us has changed that much in the past three years. Obviously, we know each other."

"I'm sorry but you must be confusing me with somebody else," she replies, and her eyes dart around the room, obviously trying to locate her missing companion. "I've never seen you before in my life, and I'm here with my boyfriend."

"You're Jade West, and you were my girlfriend for years. Stop pretending you don't know me," he demands, and his voice rises as the agitation inside of him grows. It doesn't make any sense for her to be acting this way. He would've expected her to react in anger, maybe even make a scene, anything except this complete lack of recognition.

A sympathetic expression settles on her features then, and Beck reads the pity that fills her eyes as she stares at him with a sad smile. "I wish I could help you, but I honestly don't know what to say," she sighs.

"I just, I don't know who you are."

A chill passes through his body, freezing his bones and stopping his heart as he recalls the last time she'd said those words to him.

-.-.-

"I don't know who you are!" she yells at him, her voice thick with sadness and the threat of tears that are being just barely kept at bay. "The Beck Oliver I know wouldn't let some random bitch tell him how to live his life!"

"That's just it, Jade, nobody's helping me get out of this life, and I need to get out," he shoots back, exasperated and wanting her to understand his reasoning.

They're in her house, and they've been arguing for the past two hours over his news. She's been fighting off her tears the whole time, willing herself to keep a brave front even as she asks him to stay, and all it does is make him feel like a bigger coward for not staying with her.

"You're not getting out; you're leaving me and running away," she accuses him.

"I don't want to, but I have to," he repeats, as if the fact that he feels bad over leaving her would make a difference in the grander scheme of things. "I need you to understand me."

"No, I won't understand you," she echoes, wiping furiously away at the stray tear that rolls down her cheek. "You don't have to go, Beck, you can stay here and we can make it, together."

"We can't make it here! We've been trying for years and it's just no use!"

"Don't you believe in me, in us?"

He wants to yell at her that it's ridiculous. Of course he believes in her, always has, but that's not the problem. It's himself that he doesn't trust, and he's tired of coming home to disappoint her every time he loses a lead to another actor. She's only person who believes in him, and it terrifies him to think that one day even she will stop. If he was a better man, he'd tell her the truth and try to explain himself at the risk of sounding completely pathetic, but he's not and he won't.

"Jade," he sighs, but she's standing up from her bed and walking towards him. She places her palms on both sides of his face, forcing him to look in her eyes. They look grey today, and he wonders if that's some sort of epiphany for her feelings and demeanor, or maybe their future, but who really knows.

"Please don't leave me," she pleads, completely letting go of her control and doing everything and anything she could to fight for him. "I know I don't say it a lot, but I love you. I need you to stay here with me," she cries softly, widening her eyes as much as possible and giving him the look she knows will always make him cave to her demands.

He opens his mouth to speak but hers is on top of his before he can utter a word. Her lips press to his in a kiss full of sadness and grief. A light flickers on in Beck's brain and he realizes that this is probably the last time he's ever going to kiss her, and the last time she's ever going to look at him with eyes full of love and trust, before he shatters it all to Hell. The moment he responds, Jade presses her body closer to his, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down onto the bed with her.

It's not long before they're both down to their underwear, with Beck lying on top of her body as he pressed kisses to her neck and chest.

"Tell me you love me," she asks, and she sound so young and innocent that it breaks his heart.

"I love you, Jade, always," he responds without hesitation, before his lips return to hers.

He takes his time, caressing every part of her body his fingers, lips and mouth can reach. When he slips inside her, he tells her he loves her and reminds her she's beautiful and talented. He whispers to her that she's strong and independent, and that the fire inside of her is enough to light the world on fire. And later, when they're both exhausted and laying down in her bed, he kisses the top of her head and tells her it's okay if she wants or needs to forget him, because he'll never forget her.

After that, he slips out of her bed and life, intending to never return.

-.-.-

"Babe, are you okay?"

Beck looks up to find Ryder has returned, holding two glasses of what appears to be red wine in his hands. He hands one to Jade before wrapping an arm around her shoulders in an action that's supposed to appear protective, but Beck knows is Daniels' way of telling to back off.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she answers him, turning to face him with a look of complete adoration. "This man was just confusing me with somebody else, but I honestly have no idea who."

"You messing with my girl, Oliver?" Ryder asks, raising an eyebrow in his direction and not even trying to hide the glint of amusement that shines in his eyes. "She's amazing, isn't she?"

"I don't know what you two are playing at, but we both know she was my girl first," Beck basically growls out, pissed off beyond belief that they we're both apparently intent on messing with his mind. He wasn't fucking insane, and he knew they were both trying to make him out to be a fool.

"What are you going on about now?" Ryder questions him. "If the lady says she doesn't know, she obviously doesn't. So, get lost." He demands.

Beck ignores Ryder's comments, and instead turns his attention back to the girl in question. "We dated for five years. I know you're mad at me for leaving, but please stop this already. We both know you know who I am."

She bites her lower lip, facing Ryder for a moment before grabbing onto his hand and intertwining her fingers with his. Finally, she turns back her focus to him, and clears her throat before answering softly.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know you," she repeats, and Beck wants to grab ahold of her and shake her until she admits the truth. "I hope that one day you find whoever you're looking for, or maybe somebody who lights up your world."

With that, she tugs on his hand and asks her date to take her away, something to which he gladly complies. All Beck can do is stand there and stare as a girl who once meant the world to him walks away on the arm of the man he hates the most in the world. He takes a seat on one of the stools in the bar and orders a Vodka Tonic. Somehow, he knows whisky won't suffice his needs tonight.

Because tonight, he's twenty years old again. He's young and insecure and he finally found out what it's like when the person you once loved the most doesn't register your existence. And, he realizes that if she was the only person who knew who he really was before this whole persona appeared, and she forgot him, then what the hell was he?

Who the hell was he?

If all he had left was a fake personality, a mask, then he was nothing without it. Just another fake in a sea full of phonies. He wonders for a second if this is what she felt like when he left; a complete sense of emptiness and loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole.

It's later, when he's lost in his own thoughts and on his third whisky that a server politely calls out his name. In his tray he carries a miniature envelope, and he informs him that the lady in red asked a message be delivered to him. He all but snatches it off the plate, promptly thanking and dismissing the man before tearing the letter opened. Inside, in the elegant calligraphy she's always had, is a note with a single question.

What's it feel like being a fraud?

Actually, no, the note isn't alone. There, sitting patiently inside the envelope, is a simple gold ring he instantly recognizes.

It's the promise ring he gave her when they were fourteen, in love, and he'd sworn he would always love her. The same ring that matched the engagement one he'd never had the chance to give her, and the same ring that was identical to the one he'd never been able to bring himself to throw away.

He looks at the door in just enough time to see her kissing Ryder, before he pulls her away and leads her outside.

A sardonic laugh leaves his chest as he realizes the truth behind her words. By trying so desperately to prove himself, he ended up becoming the one thing he'd feared the most. And, more importantly, the girl who could have been his whole world.

Well, would you look at that?

-.-.-

You know that she'll break you in two

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