Written by: John
Dear Mister Potter,
It is with no regret at all that we write to inform you of something you are already aware of: the passing of His Grace, Sir Sirius Scotland. We are also informing you of the will reading to be held tomorrow at the office of Ragnok, Head of Gringotts. Failure to present yourself will result in forfeiture of all monies, properties, et cetera, to your Magical Guardian, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Franklin Pierce Dubois Parker Pumpkin Apple-pie Ford Motor Company Dumbledore.
Insincerely,
Rectumsplitter, Head of Will Execution
Harry looked from the letter on heavy parchment with so many seals on it that he'd had to spend several minutes pulling them off to find the actual text to the other one that had arrived almost the exact same time by phoenix.
Dear Mister Potter,
It is I, Tom Marvolo Riddle! I will kill you if you set foot outside your home tomorrow! Fear the horrible death that I will inflict if you so much as look outside the window! And if I detect you thinking about outside the house, I will send my Death Eaters to your friends' houses and kill them all after doing horrible, horrible things to them.
Bwahahahaha!
Tom Marvolo "I Am Lord Voldemort" Riddle
Harry examined the looping handwriting in deep, purple ink and then at the Hogwarts crest next to the signature and up at the phoenix that was still sitting on his headboard. A moment later, it vanished and returned.
Dear Harry,
It has come to my attention that Tom is planning to attack you tomorrow. Whatever you do, do NOT leave your house tomorrow. The day after should be fine. By then, he'll have mellowed out. Again: whatever you do STAY HOME! I've tripled your guard to help ensure your safety.
Your best and wisest friend and mentor,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Octavio Augustus Julius Lloyd Sally Prince Not-Prince Not-Not-Prince Jerry Lewis Dumbledore
There was a skull with a snake wrapping through it stamped next to the name. It was poorly done by someone with only passible art skills and if Harry didn't know what he was supposed to be looking at, he'd have thought that someone spilled ink and vanished some of it.
"Really?"
The phoenix looked at him with something resembling pleading and then vanished.
Harry looked outside and noticed Mundungus Fletcher snoozing under an invisibility cloak. Harry considered for a few minutes, then he went downstairs and gently removed the cloak from the sleeping form. Then he went back inside and poked his uncle.
"I know you hate me and want me to die, Uncle," he said. "But I thought you might like to know about the dirty, smelly, drunk man sleeping on the lawn. I suspect he's a wizard, too." As his uncle lumbered to the closet under the stairs, Harry turned to his aunt and cousin. "Don't worry, I'm moving out. Cheerio."
Harry strolled to his room and began to pack as he heard the report of his uncle's shotgun. Harry waved to the man, who was screaming about his right to defend his home as the neighbors all looked on and pointed at his illegal firearm. "Good bye, Uncle. If you run now, the police might not find you." Harry held out his wand and boarded the bus that appeared in the middle of the street.
"Did you see that?" asked one of the neighborhood nosy-bitches.
"What?"
"The delinquent boy looked like he had a trunk with him when he left the house."
"Yeah?"
"Do you remember what he did next?"
"Nope."
"Me either."
"Who cares?"
"Not me. How long will that bitch in Number Four have to hide her face after this?"
"Until that fat whale's children are dead of old age."
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Harry walked into the Leaky Cauldron and through into Diagon Alley, entering Gringotts. "Hey Griphook!"
"You remembered me! I declare you a Goblinfriend! Do you need a place to stay?"
"Actually, yes."
"Excellent, I shall have them make a room. Do you need any 'company'?"
"What?"
"Nothing. Nothing." Griphook scuttled off proclaiming the wonders of Mister Harry Potter Sir!
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Harry spent a passable evening sleeping on a bed made of rubies. It was surprisingly comfortable, unlike the emerald one they'd originally given him. His presence at the will reading was noted with a bit of displeasure.
"You are not to be here!" screamed Albus Dumbledore, flecks of spittle spraying the room. "I forbid it! You, Goblin, take him away!"
Ragnok eyed the man. "Fuck you, we're Goblins. This is our private fiefdom and we obey no one but our King. Now if you make another noise, we'll play a children's game with you." He paused. "How Many Knives Can The Wizard's Spleen Hold? Any questions? No? Good."
Ragnok proceeded to take out a thick roll of parchment and began to unfurl it as he looked over the room. They'd had to magically enlarge it a few times because everyone vaguely important to the wizarding world was present at this secret will reading of someone who was a wanted mass-murderer. Finally he finished opening the bundle. He picked up a scrap of paper.
"Harry gets everything. Fuck you all, bitches." Ragnok turned the paper over a few times. "Yes, that appears to be it. Why are you people still here? Go away except for Mister Potter, Goblinfriend. In accordance with procedure, you must take an inheritance test."
"No!" shouted Dumbledore. "He mustn't! Gah!" He dropped the super-portkey he'd been about to touch to Harry as he was nearly speared in the spleen. His wand went flying from his hand and landed in Harry's lap as he fled the room while pursued by an increasingly large and irate horde of Goblins with various pointy objects.
"Ow!" said Harry as a Goblin grabbed his hand and poked it with a needle.
"Well, well, well," said Ragnok. He was reading a formerly blank piece of parchment in front of him that was now filling with writing in one-point font to fit everything in. "It appears that you're the heir of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Merlin, Pervelle, Gaunt, Potter, Fleamont . . ." Fifteen minutes later, the goblin finished. "As such, I need to bequeath to you some advice: your friends are being bribed by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Zeus Posidon Hades Hera Hermes Hermois Hermose Hermis Hermadermaderma Blunt Dooby Bongbong Joint Dumbldore. Hermione is getting a new Oxford English Dictionary and Ron is getting a sickle."
"Every day?"
"No. Just a sickle. Molly Weasley is helping her daughter brew love potions to use on you and her family is eagerly awaiting your death so that they can have all your money. Speaking of which, I name Griphook your Goblin Advisor-Accountant and you the heir to the Goblin throne." So saying, Ragnok picked up a dagger and slit his throat, spraying blood all over the room.
"All hail Goblinking Harry Potter I!" proclaimed a gore-smeared Griphook to the goblins outside the room.
"Hail Harry I Goblinking!" came the reply of a thousand bloodthirsty actuaries. There was a clatter as fists banged against ledgers in ritual clapping.
"King Harry," said Griphook. "My first duty as your advisor-accountant is to review the books with you. Or I can just tell you the answers."
"I'll take the answers."
"Cool. So, your family. Er . . . one of your families. The Potters. There. The Potters helped fund the original building of Gringotts which means that they have a share in the bank and, because of some poor wording in the contract, only a Potter can call in loans. It was an oversight.
"I should mention that I mean the entire Gringotts operation, not just the English branch."
"So who owes us money?"
"Everyone. Even the muggles. Their governments owe us a metric fuckton (that's the technical term) in back debt that's unserviced. And then there's the principle."
"I don't know what that means."
"We'll get to that in a minute, Sire. I first have to get some exposition out of the way. I should tell you that Ragnok declared you his heir because of a prophecy."
"Not that bloody fucking goat-raping sheep-molesting fecal-smeared bicycle-inserting alligator-and-iguana-and-monkey-farting cluster of used condoms and cummy petrol-jelly prophecy!"
"Oh, not the one the Ministry has. That one's a fake."
"What?"
"Everyone knows the prophecies in the mInistry are fake."
"That old blowing-his-wad-in-a-fuzzy-sock diddlefaced pig-licking coot!"
"Indeed. I meant the real one that our seers gave last night. It said that Harry Potter must be Goblinking."
"It did?"
"Yep."
"And so Ragnok killed himself?"
"Yep."
"Huh."
"Moving on. The Founders left everything to 'Harry Potter'."
"Another prophecy?"
"Nope. They just figured it was a good choice and the name would come up eventually."
"Huh."
"Yep. So I need to take you downstairs to sit in the Potter Seat Of Power. It will teach you everything you need to know about magic and magical law. While you're in the seat, we'll get you set up with proper books and clothes and things. I will personally do some checking to see what titles you have now."
(ONLYMETROLL!)
An hour later, Harry was wearing an ermine coat dyed with saffron and unicorn blood. "I know everything I need to."
"Yes, Sire. I should give you the update. You are head of six-hundred assorted families and have enough wealth to bankrupt the world. You are also in possession of a great deal of land, including the duchy of Hogwarts and the freehold in which the miNistry is located. Unfortunately, the law requires you to attend school even though you have your OWLs."
"I would have remembered learning that."
"While you were learning, Dumbledore was at the Wizengamot, passing new laws. It's a good thing you're emancipated, because he also was trying to get control of everything. Technically, the law passed, but since you're not a minor . . ."
"That meddling Dumbledork will need to be dealt with."
"Indeed, Sire. I need to warn you about the headship rings."
"What about them."
"You don't have enough fingers so . . ."
"OW!" Harry looked down at his hands, which were encrusted with rings. He clutched at his ears, where several more rings hung. He grabbed his crotch as well. "Is there a way to deal with this?" he asked in a high-pitched voice. Then he remembered he knew everything and waved his hand, joining the family rings into one. The world shimmered and then he had a giant gold belt around his waist with a huge front with hundreds of tiny crests on it. Apparently there wasn't enough room, since there were chains dangling around the entire way with rings hanging from them and a huge and elaborate codpiece with yet more crests stamped onto it. Central to the codpiece was the Slytherin crest, the head in profile. It was right above the Tailor crest which had a set of clothes embossed on it.
"I guess that's better."
"Yes, Sire."
"I shall train until the Hogwarts express."
"Make use of our super-mega-ultra-time-chamber, Sire?"
"Sure, why not?"
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Depending on who you asked, it was either a month or seven thousand years later when Harry stood on the platform of the Hogwarts Express. "Fuck off, Hermione."
"What?"
Harry glared. "You're a useless, greedy, untrustworthy cunt."
"But . . ."
"I've been standing here openly for twenty minutes. I heard you and Ron talking about how much you love each other and are looking forwards to fucking all through the year using your Prefect powers."
"But . . ."
"And I heard you both laughing and saying 'bwahahahahahahaha we're manipulating Harry perfectly so that he does what Dumbledore wants! Yes! It's going perfectly!"
"Dumbledore said you'd forgive me. It's for the best!"
"Well, I'm a duke and I say it's not."
"Oh. Ohshit."
"You should kill yourself to make up for the shame after willing everything to me."
Hermione pulled out a scrap of paper and wrote 'I give Harry Potter everything' signed it and then went and laid down in front of the Hogwarts Express with a book to wait for it to get ready to leave.
"Potter!"
"Hello Draco."
"It's Ron!"
"I suppose I was confusing you for someone trustworthy. Go on."
"How dare you cost me my useless, mudblood girlfriend who I was just using as a place to blow my load while I wait for a nice, pureblood girl to offer herself to me! Now who's going to suck me off when I want and do my homework while I fuck her from behind and play chess with Neville?"
"That was more information than I needed. I never wanted to think about your scrawny body naked and thrusting."
"You'll get yours, Potter. When Ginny doses you with love potions and you will everything to us before she kills you, you'll be sorry!"
"I see." Harry waved his hand and Ron turned into a girl with large breasts. Another wave of his hand forced Ronita into a compartment without her clothes and a sign on her back that said 'mouth free, others one sickle' and was petrified on her hands and knees. "That ought to do.
Harry took the book out of Hermione's hands and kicked her in the cooch. "That's for not focusing on how much of a bitch you are while waiting to die."
"I'M SORRY!"
"Not yet, you aren't."
(ONLYMETROLL!)
The Prefects were wondering where the Sixth-Year Griff Prefects were when Harry walked into the room.
"Nice codpiece," said Cho Chang.
"I wouldn't stick my dick in you if you begged."
"What?"
"Now, where was I? Oh yes. I'm cancelling the Prefect meeting. You're all fired."
"You can't do that!" said someone who looked a lot like a blond Percy Weasley. He was just as arrogantly pomp-ass.
"Let's test. You're fired." The Prefect badges vanished. Moments later, new badges made of brown construction paper appeared which read 'flunky/noser'. "I think I can."
"I guess you can."
"Good boy."
"Woof?" the boy had turned into a dog.
(ONLYMETROLL!)
"Welcome back to a new year. Except for Mister Potter. Everyone will be glad to see the return of Professor Horace Slughorn to teach Potions. Taking the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts is Remus Lupin, who finally achieved the goal he set out to complete during his schooling."
Lupin rose. "That's right! I ate Snape! That idiot, Black, had to tell James about the great prank idea I'd 'given'," here Lupin made air quotes, "him. It was so annoying that I barely got to scare the little shit."
"You're a werewolf!" called Harry in disgust.
"According to the law passed this morning, Remus Lupin the Werewolf is not a werewolf." Dumbledore said. "Now how did you get your super-powers that are a threat to me unbound?"
"Fuck you, that's how."
"If you insist . . ."
"No!"
"Oh." Dumbledore looked downcast.
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Ten minutes into dinner, Harry became aware of a sound. It wasn't a mumbling because Dumbledore was nearly shouting, but it sounded like the kind of thing people mumbled. "BWAHAHAHA! I HAVE A NEW PLAN TO CONTROL HARRY! I SHALL FORCE HIM TO MARRY DRACO MALFOY, SEVERUS SNAPE, AND TOM RIDDLE! BUT SEVERUS IS DEAD. NO MATTER; I SHALL USE NECROMANCY TO RESURRECT HIM!"
"Harry," Harry whirled to see Professor Lupin standing next to him.
"Yes?" he asked warily of the man who was eying him hungrily.
"Your parents are really disappointed in you for not giving everything to Albus."
"You mean would be?"
"No. I spoke to them yesterday."
"I don't know of any magic to talk to the resting dead."
"Well, since they're living in one of the Teacher's Wing suites, I don't see why that would be necessary. They and your hundred siblings who they spoil rotten are ashamed to be related to you."
"My parents are alive?"
"HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?" roared Lupin.
Harry blinked. "Fuck you, that's how?"
"I WILL DISCOVER YOUR SECRET, HARRY! AND THEN I WILL LET MY WOLF TAKE YOU AS MY MATE AS IT WANTS!"
"Ooookay . . . Um . . . I expel you from Hogwarts."
"So whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" Lupin smashed through the wall of the great hall, turning into paste as he impacted the stone.
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Harry kicked in the door to the suite labeled "Potter Rooms" and punched his father in the face. "Why did I go to the Dursleys'?"
"Because we didn't like you," explained his mother. "No real reason. We just didn't."
"But Voldemort killed you!"
"Well, there was a little death involved, I guess," replied Lily Potter. "But I was just being a good Pureblood wife."
"That's right. She once entertained everyone at a party for me," bragged James. "It's the potions I slipped her because I had to have her."
"You only had to have me because I dosed you and played hard to get."
Harry looked at his horde of siblings and his parents. Then he stepped back out of the room. Moments later, Hogwarts sealed the room and then compressed it into nothing. "I . . . I'm going to go have breakfast."
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Harry sat down on the giant throne that had appeared in the middle of the Great Hall last night. There were several smoking corpses next to it from people who had tried to touch the Chair of Potter-Hogwarts-Awesome. As he picked up a diamond goblet of pumpkin juice, his belt and codpiece began to glow with the color indicating poison/potion. He drank it, ignoring the effects thanks to his immunity to all potions and poisons.
"Ginny 'loose lips' Weasley," he snarled. "I'm calling in your life debt. As someone who attempted to dose a subject of the debt, you are hereby my slave for eternity along with your family." The Weasley family appeared in chains. "Bill, your job is to pimp your sister in Diagon Alley. Use the joke shop as the brothel. The rest of you are to get married to fertile people and turn out children to be used in the brothel when they're old enough." The Weasleys vanished.
Headwig landed on his shoulder. "Oh good. My mail order bride will be arriving . . . now."
The most beautiful woman in the whole world ever appeared in front of him. "I'm Mary McSue," she said in the most beautiful voice ever to exist. Everyone in the hall except Harry swooned. "I love no one."
"Why?" asked Harry.
"I MUST HAVE YOU!" she screamed. "Marry me!"
"That works out. By the power of my many titles, I declare us husband and wife. I guess your plan didn't work, Dumbledore."
Dumbledore screamed in impotent fury and stabbed his eyes out with a salad fork. Then he slit his throat in despair. "No!" he gurgled. "Foiled again!"
Fawkes threw itself at Harry, screeching a war cry until Headwig disemboweled it with her claws. Her body shimmered and became a gleaming phoenix. It was a white phoenix, one of the royal ones who were a million times more rare than phoenixes normally and vastly more powerful and a sign of a perfect and amazing person when they even looked at that person. She looked only at Harry. When she sang, everyone orgasmed in joy.
"Now my wife and I are going to have a marathon of sex. I call in the life debts owed to me by every witch and wizard in England because they believed I defeated Voldemort. You are all my personal slaves. Begin training to kill yourselves as members of Crack Suicide Squads."
(ONLYMETROLL!)
Five years of hyperbolic time later, Harry looked up to see Griphook. "What do you want?"
"To go back to making you even richer, Sire," replied Griphook, not looking at the radiant beauty of Harry's wife to avoid offending the most bestest man ever.
"Then why are you here instead of me getting morning nookie?" Harry sighed as his wife slid under the sheets. "Never mind that. Carry on."
"Well, Elizabeth II wants a word with you."
"Why?"
"Her message said something about a prophecy . . ."
(A/N John)
This is all Spoon's fault. Seriously. Most of this is because she reads really bad fics and I just had to finally work out my annoyance. I get annoyed because she tells me about these horrible stories and then gets bitchy when I start poking holes. So I figured I'd just write the worst one I could manage.
(A/N 2 John)
I would have gone further, but I was getting really bored and annoyed with it. I wanted to write things where I could make better use of the funny ideas I had. That's why the end is a bit rushed.
(A/N 3 John)
That and I don't really care. We've left in the typos to make sure that the story feels authentic.