NEW BOY, TEA BOY: Part two.
It just had to be a sex gas, of all the things. Ianto found himself extremely grateful for the fact that it wasn't Jack who had inhaled it. Torchwood would've been wiped out in a matter of seconds otherwise. Gwen Cooper, what a waste of space she was turning out to be. Her big heart and clumsy mistakes, Jack obviously didn't mind and Ianto was delighted, another distraction. Everyone was looking further away from him nowadays it was perfect really. Ianto just found himself gliding around the Hub completely unnoticed. That didn't stop Jack of course. It had almost become routine now and Ianto settled into it burying his shame and his utter sense of betrayal down into the depths of his tired bones.
Gwen annoyed him though and he wasn't even sure why. Perhaps it was that big gapped toothed smile and the ease with which she was able to look so happy. Ianto realised very rapidly that he was jealous. She was whole, undamaged by the world and in love with a man who could love her back. A man, who by all her accounts, was beautiful, whole and not packaged with cybernetic attachments. Owen had joked about it, the woman with a life outside of Torchwood, but the bitterness in the medic's tone had been obvious to all of them.
Jack often took her into his office, they'd talk, flirt with their eyes and it was blatantly obvious to everyone that Jack wanted more from her and Ianto wondered why he held off. Jack always got what he wanted. It had marked a significant change their sexual relationship, most notably the fact that Jack had actually asked him to stick around when they had finished whatever it was they had chosen to indulge in. Ianto found himself being held into the small hours and had struggled furiously not to fall asleep in Jack's arms, afraid his dreams would betray his true intent. Sometimes he stayed as Jack asked but he never talked. Ianto always let Jack do the talking and Jack could talk forever. Truth was Ianto didn't mind listening. It seemed to help the older man and Ianto felt he had to give something back because he knew he was taking so much. If Jack suspected that anything was wrong, he never said, he never asked and Ianto couldn't decide whether Jack was too selfish to ask or too wrapped up in his own worries to see. He'd leave Jack's bed and go straight to Lisa and sit at her side squeezing her hand and crying out his woes into the quiet room.
They talked less and less these days. Her pain meds had had to be increased and Ianto found himself questioning what he was doing yet again. His heart was failing him and he knew deep down that he was losing her. His search for help had drawn so many blanks and he was beginning to wonder how much longer he could keep her like this. He was wondering how long he could continue to betray the people he was working with, and the man he was fucking.
Owen was watching him again, Ianto could tell. Just out of the corner of his eyes, every so often he'd catch the doctor looking away from him. Ianto wondered why until one day he caught a glimpse of himself half naked in the mirror of the locker room. Shit. Ok, no wonder Owen was looking, how much weight had he lost? Ianto took in the spectacle of ribs, pronounced collar bones and cheeks, the pallor in his face and darkening circles under his eyes. He really needed an excuse to divert Owen's attention.
Ianto stood at the upper level above the autopsy bay looking down at Owen who reading, something.
"Owen? Can I have a word?"
Owen looked up startled for a moment but his eyes narrowed with immediate suspicion.
"What is it Tea Boy?"
"Well, I suppose I should see you rather than a GP."
"Come down here then."
Ianto complied, at least for this he didn't have to lie. He sat down on the edge of the metal table. "My headaches are getting bad again. I've been sick a couple of times. I was wondering if you could give me anything?"
Owen seemed genuinely relieved. "I was wondering when you were finally going admit that something was wrong with you. Ok, let me check you over and we'll see what we can do."
Ianto nodded, objective achieved, deflection, distraction.
Ianto made his perfect coffee. He was aware that the new girl was watching him and he glanced at her offering a faint smile.
"Is there something I can get for you ma'am?"
Gwen looked mildly shocked.
"It's Gwen, call me Gwen, love. Please."
Ianto inclined his head. He had no intention of doing so. "Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
He handed her a mug a moment later, she sipped at it remaining where she was.
"We haven't talked much. You know it's been so busy. I thought it would be nice to catch up." She had the big doey eyes look down to perfection. It reminded him of Lisa and Ianto had to fight down the hitch in his breath.
Ianto blanked his face. "Not much to tell, really. I need to get these to the others." He held up his tray of beverages. "Excuse me." He glided away feeling her eyes on his back with every step.
His final port of call was Jack's office and the door was closed behind him by Jack. Gwen could see them talking through the glass and was instantly jealous. Gwen sighed, damn the coffee was good, and wandered over to Owen. She perched herself on the edge of his desk and Owen looked at her with a lustful grin on his face.
"So PC Cooper, you settling in?"
Gwen smiled at him then gestured with a nod of her head. "What's the deal with Ianto? He doesn't talk much, does he."
Owen leaned back in his chair. "He's just a bit OCD and well, so long as the coffee keeps coming who am I to complain."
"He spends a lot of time with Jack."
"He would do, Jack's shagging him."
Gwen's eyes became saucer sized. "Seriously?"
Owen sniggered. "Jack's latest toy. He'll get bored at some point." He assured her.
Gwen was looking up toward the office. "You're winding me up."
Owen merely shrugged.
Jack closed the door as Ianto stepped into his office.
"Sit down Ianto."
The tone was not one to be argued with. Ianto complied aware of the fear suddenly gnawing at him, God he felt sick.
Jack sat behind his desk and reached for his coffee.
"You not having one?"
"Owen suggested I cut back, I've had headaches."
Jack nodded. "Yeah, about that. Why didn't you tell me?"
Ianto frowned. "I didn't see it was relevant, sir. I thought the best person to discuss it with was Owen."
A heavy sigh was heaved at this. "Ianto, you can call me Jack, and considering our 'relationship' I'd like to think that you could talk to me about such things….."
Ianto's gut tightened, it was hard to hide the pain of it. "It was a medical matter, sir, not a personal one and first name terms are not appropriate. I work for you." Perhaps he shouldn't have said that.
"Fine, if that's how you feel about it." The deadness in his boss' tone caught Ianto off guard, he shifted uncomfortably.
"That came out rather badly, didn't it?"
Jack nodded.
"I'm sorry. This is difficult for me." On a whole number of levels.
"Lisa?"
Ianto froze. "It's only been a few months and already I'm…..well…sometimes it doesn't sit well with me. You understand, don't you?"
Jack did, that was obvious from the haunted look in those ocean like eyes.
"Yes, I understand. I just wish you'd talk to me."
Ianto rose to his feet, wanting to flee. "If that is all, sir?"
Jack nodded.
Ianto fled in his quiet calm and dignified way.
"I found some one Lisa. He's going to come to help us. He's coming to make you whole again, so we can be together. I miss you so much. I promised you I'd find some one. He's coming. Just hold on please, a little while longer, please."
He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying this time. His body hurt, inside and out, Jack had been rough with him. Ianto had taken it anyway, needed it if he were honest with himself, which he never was these days. For the first time in five months he had some semblance of hope and it terrified him. His hold on his own sanity was so fragile….Ianto knew he couldn't face another set back. He just wanted Lisa. That was all there was now. Just her. Perhaps one day the wedding dress that was hanging unused in their wardrobe would finally see the light of day. Lisa had wanted babies too. Ianto would make sure she'd have all the babies she wanted because she had so much love in her heart. They had promised one another so much love, such a wonderful future. She lay there encased in the cybernetic prison, silent. The pain medication had taken so much from her. Her last smile had been heart warming though and the faintly uttered 'I love you Ianto' still echoed in his head. It had been enough to enable him not to break down completely that night.
He'd been on edge all day. Dr Tanizaki was due to arrive any time now. Oh God, finally and…..Dare he hope? Lisa human again? Both of them happy again? Ianto was shaking with anticipation. He'd never been so scared in all his life. It was now or never. Lisa would either survive this or be lost to him forever, he couldn't contemplate the forever, the emptiness and loss of hope.
It came crashing down around him. Hopelessness engulfed him and the anger of his colleagues was absorbed through his skin like radiation. Jack's hurt cooked him from the inside out and Ianto just crumpled. He lost track of time and he lost himself, firstly in 2 litres of single malt and a bottle of anti depressants and secondly to a Stanley blade across his left wrist. Both times Jack had caught his fall as he spiralled out of sanity and both times Ianto hated him for it. Everything went numb after that. He finally became aware of the accusing glances from Owen and Gwen, the sympathetic avoidance of his gaze from Tosh and the raw hurt from Jack every time their eyes met and sometimes when they didn't.
There was only one thing left for him to do now. Ianto worked, spent every waking hour of his pathetic life buried in things that needed doing. He had never been so efficient. This wasn't about trying to apologise for what he did, no regrets there….well not many. He just needed to work so he didn't have to stop and think or remember. Everything hurt 'pain so constant'. He stopped talking, he stopped smiling and stopped living.
Jack watched torn between his anger and his pity, unsure what to do, unsure if he wanted to do anything at all; his own failure fighting with his overwhelming sense of being cheated on. He was the great Captain Jack Harkness, after all, what business did a mere Tea Boy have pulling one over on him like that? Jack had never seen pain like it. He hoped never to again, but he knew he wouldn't be so lucky. How could he not have seen this, felt something of it? Ianto had been right, he'd never asked. He had used Ianto's body, craved his uncomplicated, undemanding and compliant presence in his bed. He'd just assumed. How could he have got it so badly wrong?
The beautiful young man was slowly sliding away from humanity and Jack knew he had to put his own hurt aside to help him. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Somewhere in all that pain was a boy who had spent too long alone fighting a battle that shouldn't have been his in the first place. If any thing was going to come out of the sorry mess it was Ianto Jones with his sanity intact and God willing maybe even a smile on his white face. Right now Jack would give anything to see that faint curve of his lips or the rolling of his eyes.
Estelle died and Jack didn't question the fact that throughout that night Ianto had held him close as he cried for her loss. It was something they never spoke of after. They both knew words would be useless. Ianto was trying to put things right in his own way or so Jack thought. Ianto was a human being after all that and he just couldn't stand to watch someone else in pain because he knew that pain too well himself.
Somewhere along this line Ianto seemed to find some daylight again. He wasn't really sure when, but he realised he was finally relieved of the burden of trying to keep Lisa alive and human. Suddenly he could start living again and no longer be in the position of having to lie. He still hid himself because the others were not ready for him, he understood that and accepted that would take time. He was finally grateful that he was still alive and actually began to recognise the fact that he WAS alive. Then he went to Brecon and his world imploded.
He sat on the couch shaking in Tosh's arms. The horror had finally hit home. He was paralysed by it. Tosh threw the only life line available in her armoury, the worst cup of coffee Ianto had ever tasted. It made him smile as they held one another. It was the first time Ianto had let any one other than Jack touch him since his arrival (not counting Owen's medical exams). Jack watched them huddled on the couch talking in whispers, waiting their turn for Owen to fix their hurts, once he'd finished with Gwen. As soon as Tosh was called down to the autopsy bay Ianto painfully pulled his knees up and curled up on the couch looking for all the world like a lost toddler. Jack sighed and came out of his office to sit beside him. He rested a hand on Ianto's leg making the young man jump with fright.
"Geez, Ianto I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
Ianto crumpled, tears flooding down his battered face and Jack hauled him into a tight though painful embrace. Ianto didn't much care about the pain the contact was what he needed as he heaved out his tears quietly against Jack's shirt. Tears of relief, knowing finally that he was forgiven and that he wasn't alone anymore and God, how can people do those terrible things to one another?
"Jack?"
Jack ran his fingers through dirty bloodied hair.
"It's OK Ianto, everything's gonna be OK."
Ianto nodded. "Thank you Jack."
"For what?"
"You saved me. You could have let me die and you didn't."
"Sssshhh."
Ianto shifted his position so he could look into Jack's eyes. "I'm sorry."
Neither of them could pull away from that look, suddenly they were the only two people in the world, eyes ages old locked in one another's pain and loneliness. Jack's hand rested against his cheek and Ianto leaned into the touch the warmth spreading through out his battered body. He finally closed his eyes.
"I really am sorry, for everything."
"Don't be sorry any more. It's done now. Just hold on to your life Ianto, please. Hold on as hard as you can. You'll get through this and then you will be stronger and better, I know it."
Ianto nodded. "Only if you can too. I can't do it alone."
"You won't have to."
finis