"Red"
I know it's bad. Wrong. But I don't care.
I can remember when it started. The first time he called me Red, I began to fall for him. No one had ever called me that before, no one has since.
Xander liked to tease me about it. He never knew how I felt, but he thought it was funny that I let the vampire call me a pet name.
Xander would call me Red, sometimes to tease me, sometimes by accident. Every time he did, I yelled at him for it. I wouldn't let him — my best friend — call me that. It was my special name, and it was from a special person.
When he got his chip and he tried to attack me, I panicked. I wasn't scared of him, but I was scared of myself.
He was on top of me, his scent was filling me. I began to get lightheaded, dizzy. I began to see scenarios in my head, and with each one I prayed that it would happen. But a part of me was still trying to get away from him before I did anything that Buffy or Xander would hate me for.
They don't know. I think Xander might have suspected something. If he had seen the look on my face when I found Anya and Spike together on the camera in the Magic Box . . .
That night my world came crashing down. That night my world was destroyed, and no one knew it but me. I wouldn't ever let them know that I now lived in ruins.
Not only did I see Spike together with someone I called my friend, but not long afterwards I found out that Buffy had been sleeping with Spike.
Just that knowledge ripped a jagged wound in my heart. But the fact that she thought she couldn't tell me, that I would hate her for it, that got me the most.
I'm not gonna tell her this, but she was right. I do hate her for it.
Okay, so what about the whole Tara thing?
I figured, if they think I don't drive stick anymore, they won't suspect a thing. No, I wasn't using her. Maybe I was at first, but I reall did love her.
And Oz? I loved him, too. But then when our relationship began to become more intimate, I kept thinking of Spike.
So I cheated on Oz. I began to try to get closer to Xander. My plan completely failed, then it worked only too well.
Xander liked me back. I don't know if it was because of my advances or something else, but he cheated on Cordelia, who he really loved.
So maybe my plans failed. Maybe they didn't. Losing Oz and meeting Tara were great and terrible. I had to be sad and depressed for my friends, even though I wasn't all that sad.
Spike kept me happy. He didn't know it. No one else knew it.
All it took to make me happy was to call me Red.
I know I can never have him, especially now, but a girl can dream, can't she?
Even if it may never happen, I will always be his Red. Even if it's always a secret, I will be his Red.