I don't own Artemis Fowl, nor do I claim to

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"Mother, I'm with Butler. I'll be alright."

Butler never remembered pitying Artemis Fowl, but he couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him. He was glad that he didn't have to explain to his mother why he couldn't return home.

"No, Mother. I'm not in any trouble."

Butler could imagine what Angeline would say next. It's probably along the lines of: If you're not in trouble then why can't you come home?

"I can't tell you. Just know that I'm safe."

Promise me you will come home soon?

Artemis' head was lowered, but Butler could see a small tear run down his face. "I can't." He didn't give her the chance to talk. It would have been too hard then. "I love you, Mother. Mum."

As soon as he got off of the phone he went to his laptop, making them undetectable by technology. Butler would have been happy simply throwing the electronics out the window, but he didn't say anything, and kept driving. Soon Artemis' head appeared between the two front seats. He held out his hand. Butler didn't pretend that he didn't know what Artemis wanted.

As Butler handed Artemis handed his phone it rung. Artemis and Butler exchanged a glance.

Artemis studied the caller id. "Here, it's Juliet."

Butler looked at the phone. "Do you think that it's safe?"

"If I got the chance to talk to Mother then you deserve to talk to Juliet." Artemis leaned back, but sat on the edge of his seat. "Also I need you to ask Juliet how on Earth girls wear these 'skinny jeans'." He shifted uncomfortably. "And I thought male jeans were uncomfortable," he muttered under his breath. Butler let out a small snort of laughter, and turned around to look at his charge.

Artemis sat there in skinny jeans, light pink ballerina flats, thick rimed rectangle glasses, multiple tank tops, with a loose shirt over that, and a think grey cotton jacket that did absolutely nothing to keep out the heat. After they escaped they figured that it was smarter for Artemis to pose as a girl rather than a boy. Also whatever they did to Artemis made his hair had grown three times its original length.

Butler, on the other hand, was dress in men's jeans and a Hawaiian shirt. He was posing as Artemis' father. Artemis and Butler didn't look much like each other, but their eye color was similar enough for them to be conserved related. They should be alright long as they stayed away from geneticists.

Butler answered the phone, putting it on speakerphone and setting it between himself and Artemis, bracing himself for the yelling that was coming, and sure enough he got it.

"Dom! What the Hell? I've got Angeline calling me in the middle of the night asking if I've seen you guys! She sounds hysterical! What the Hell is going on?" Then she noticed that he wasn't talking. "Dom? Is everything alright?"

Butler sighed. "No. We're not alright." After hearing Juliet's gasp he hurried. "We aren't hurt, but we can't come home for a while."

"What did Artemis do this time?"

Artemis bristled. "I didn't do anything. Things just keep happening to me."

"Says the boy that kidnapped a fairy, rescued his father from the mafia, almost got my brother killed, got us mind wiped, brought down Opal Koboi, disappeared for three years, went back in time to battle your younger self, went insane, and got un-insane."

Artemis raised an eyebrow, not that Juliet could see. "'got un-insane?' You sound like Mulch."

"Hey! You aren't being very smart right now either. You're talking about fairies on speakerphone."

"The only person who can hack into Butler's cellphone is Foaly, and only if I let him."

Juliet snorted. "I know. Smarty Arty is all over this."

Artemis opened his mouth to snap something at her when Butler growled. Both Juliet and Artemis' eyes went wide at the sound. It wasn't human. It was a grizzly bear after someone had tried to mess with her cubs.

"Both of you please be quiet," he snapped. Artemis stared at his bodyguard while Juliet almost dropped the phone.

"Brother, are you alright?" Juliet's voice was full of worry. After all it wasn't normal for ones siblings to make animal noises.

Butler rubbed his head. "Yes. I just have a really bad headache, and you two were not making it any better."

Artemis nodded, while Juliet made a small noise of agreement. Butler sighed.

"Look, Jules, we really need to go."

"Okay, but you will call me back, right?" There was an uncomfortable silence as Artemis and Butler looked at each other. "Dom?"

"Bye Jules," Butler muttered as he picked the phone.

"Good bye, Juliet" Artemis said before Butler could shut the phone.

"Dom! Artemis! Wait-" Butler shut his phone with a snap. Artemis looked down guiltily. Silence echoed throughout the car as they passed light poles that stood along the highway.

"Artemis, you should lay down," Butler sighed.

Artemis frowned. "That's going to be a bit hard." He looked over his shoulder, glancing at his back. Or, more specifically, the large bulges under his jacket that was stopping him from lying down on his back.

"Sleep on your stomach." After seeing Artemis' look he said: "If you're tired enough you can fall asleep almost anywhere. Now lay down."

Artemis was still frowning but he did lie down, pulling the pillow under him, and the blanket on top of him while doing so. In a matter of seconds his breathing slowed and his eyes closed.

Butler gave a small chuckle, and then frowned. They'd been through a lot throughout the last few days. How on Earth were they spose to go back to their original lives after what happened? Especially Artemis. Whatever they did to him made couldn't been undone. Also it seemed to have screwed up his vision, but thankfully it was slowly returning.

Butler let his mind wander for a few minutes, while watching the road. He had failed. He didn't protect his charge, and now they both were paying the price.

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Foaly was working overtime. It wasn't normal for him, but his wife was in a mood. It almost reminded him of the time he had almost burned down the kitchen. But this time he had no idea what he did. He was a genius, and he still had trouble understanding women. Foaly sighed loudly.

What am I spose to do?" he thought to himself. He looked around for something that he hadn't already done five times. He sighed and leaned back in his rolling chair. Nothing to do.

Then the alarm sounded. Foaly almost smiled. When he was at his most bored the humans came and got things exciting. Then again it happened when he was busy too, but then just makes him mad. Foaly rolled over to the computer and listened to the phone call.

"Dom! What the Hell? I've got Angeline calling me in the middle of the night asking if I've seen you guys! She sounds hysterical! What the Hell is going on?" Isn't Artemis' mom's name Angeline? And why did the voice sound like Juliet?

Foaly continued to listen. He was amazed at all the stuff that came up, even his own name! Or at least he would be if he didn't know that it was the Fowls talking to each other. A whole family that knew about the fairies. Unheard of until now.

But something was bothering him. Was it the guilt in Artemis' voice, the brashness in Butler's, or the panic in Juliet's? Something was up.

What else was new?

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Artemis watched the sun come up over the horizon. He almost got no sleep last night. He sat up, no longer wishing to pretend.

"You're awake," Butler said. It wasn't a question, so Artemis didn't answer. Artemis sat up and looked at his bodyguard. The Eurasian's eyes were weary. He looked like he was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

"We need to stop," Artemis announced. "Find the closest and quietest inn nearby."

Butler snorted. "We both know that I won't fall asleep."

"Yes, but if we get into a fight you wouldn't do as well. And I can't drive."

Butler thought about it for a while, and sighed. Like usual Artemis was right. As he pulled off the highway he muttered under his breath.

"The highest tested IQ in Europe and you can't drive a car?"

Artemis shrugged, not really holding the fact against himself. "I've never needed to. Plus I can fly a plane. How many teenagers can do that?"

"Juliet."

"Normal teenagers."

Butler finally relented. "Not many."

Artemis smiled in triumph.

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Foaly smiled in triumph.

A few hours ago he had tried to tap into Artemis' phone, but he finally gave up and started in on the house line. He had just gotten in, and was about to listen to the Artemis and his Mothers' conversation. For a minute he hesitated. If he had a privet message with his mother than he wouldn't want people to listen to it. Then he remembered all the gold Artemis can cost him over the years. He pressed the button.

Foaly's smiled quickly faded as he listened to the message. In the first few seconds he had gotten a few good clues. First: Artemis had been missing, again, for a month and a half. Second: His family had no idea where he was, if Mrs. Fowl's panicky voice spoke for the family. Third: Butler was with him, and had gone missing too. Forth: He couldn't come home.

The last clue came at the end of the message. It made Foaly's mane stand on end and sent a cold shiver down his back. He called Angeline "Mum"! Artemis only did this when his mother asked.

"D'Arvit Artemis, what did you do?"

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This is my first Artemis Fowl Fanfic. Please Read and Review. I will not post until I get at least one Review! Are the characters in character? What about Artemis cross dressing? To over the top? Also why do you think Cabelline is mad at Foaly? What do you think Artemis did? Or didn't do?