What happens when you put eight people, with conflicting views and opinions in one house with no way out? Well, group hysteria followed by a mass murder/suicide, usually. But hey, it's all in fun! This is where we find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real. In.....
THE REAL WORLD
MARVEL.
With:
Wolverine
the Incredible Hulk
Dr. Doom
Thor
Captain America
Spider man
Mr. Fantastic
Jubilee.
DAY 1:
A Large building, the sign outside reads: Condemned. Roper & Furly Apartment Complex. EST: 1972. An eerie glow surrounds the building, as eight figures appear outside. The figures are revealed to be Wolverine, the Incredible Hulk, Captain America, Jubilee, Thor, Dr. Doom, Spider man and Mr. Fantastic.
What the hell?! Wolverine shouts.
Jubilee runs over to him and hugs him. Wolvie, I'm scared.... she says.
Hulk runs over to Captain America. He hugs him, almost crushing him. Hulk scared too.... he says.
Cap struggles to breath. he is able to mumble.
Wha?! What is the meaning of this?! Doom was preparing to conquer the world! Dr. Doom says.
Oh, come now, Victor. Surely you must have realized that I would stop you. After all, I'm so much more intelligent than you. Mr. Fantastic replies.
Doom grumbles. Shut up, Richards. he says. Suddenly, a flash of light, and a man appears before our heroes. He is the Beyonder.
Welcome, earth's mightiest heroes! he says.
Beyonder?! What is the meaning of this? Richards asks.
I Have summoned you all here as part of an experiment. You will all live in this apartment house for one month. With hilarious results, I'm sure. Beyonder replies.
What, like the Real World? Cap asks.
Yes. Exactly. As a matter of fact, we'll be filming you. And the footage will be used as the next season of the Real World. Beyonder replies.
Wait, we have to live here?! Wolverine asks.
Beyonder replies.
What the hell?! The last kids got a mansion in New Orleans!! Wolverine shouts.
Yes, well, I'm a bit low on cash. Beyonder says.
But, you're the Beyonder.... Richards says.
I'm low on cash, Reed. Beyonder replies, harshly. Richards backs away slowly.
Wait, we'll be on the Real World?! Cool! Jubilee shouts.
But why, Beyonder? What possible purpose could this serve? Richards asks.
Beyonder replies.
Richards asks.
Yes. Just because I'm the Beyonder doesn't mean I don't get bored. Beyonder replies.
Spider man and Thor are standing in the back of the group, Spidey turns to Thor. This won't end well..... he says.
Verily. Odinson feels a foul wind coming in..... Thor replies.
~~~
The eight people enter the apartment building. Hmmmm....Doom calls the big room. Doom says.
Now, how do you figure you get the big room? Spidey asks.
Because. Doom said so. Doom replies.
One cannot mess with Doom's logic, Spiderfriend. Thor says.
You're not helping, Blonde-boy. Spidey says.
Now, now, Victor. There is a more diplomatic way of handling this. Richards says.
Oh yeah? And what might that be? Doom asks.
Most intelligent gets the big room. I'm clearly the smartest here, hence I get the big room. Richards says.
Makes sense to Hulk. Hulk says.
Yeah, I guess I'm okay with that. Spidey says.
Thor replies.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Wolverine says.
What?! How in the.....When I asked for the big room, all of you objected. But when Richards says he gets the big room, simply because he's smarter....which he is not, by the way....you're all fine with it!? Doom asks, angrily.
Wolvie says.
Pretty much. Spidey says.
Makes sense to Hulk. Hulk says.
Yeah, I'm okay with it. Cap says.
But.....But, why?! Doom asks.
Because, Victor. You're the villain. Richards says.
Doom asks, angrily.
Doom bad, stretchy-friend good. Stretchy-friend gets room. Hulk says.
Poppycock! Look, Richards. You want to settle this diplomatically? I Have a way.... Doom says.
And how's that, Victor? Richards asks.
A Game. A Game of strategy, of cunning. A Game where the challenge is immense. A Game where if set under life or death circumstances, most would parish.... Doom continues.
And that game would be? Richards asks.
Rock. Paper. Scissors. Doom replies.
Richards sighs. Very well, Victor. he says.
They begin to play.
Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot! they both shout.
Richards throws rock, Doom throws scissors. Doom shouts.
Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot! they both shout.
Richard throws scissors, Doom throws paper. Doom shouts.
Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot! they both shout.
Richards throws paper, Doom throws rock. Doom shouts. Best two out of three? he asks.
Richards sighs. Look, Victor. If you want it that badly, you can have the big room. he says.
I Will no-......I can? Doom asks.
Yes. You can. Richards replies.
Yes! Doom has won!! Doom stands victorious!! Doom says, he proceeds to laugh maniacally all the way into the big room. he laughs. I Look forward to killing you all. Good day. He says as he slams the door.
What do you think he meant by that? Richards asks.
Too soon to tell. Better wait him out. Cap replies.
Spidey sighs. Oh yeah. I'm gonna love it here. he says, sarcastically.
~~~
Well, I guess that means we're bunking together, Spidey. Cap says.
Lovely. You don't snore, do you? Spidey asks.
Cap replies. They walk into their room. There's a bunk bed in the room.
I Call the top Bunk. Spidey says, jokingly.
Fine with me. Cap replies.
~~~
Later that night, Cap and Spidey are sleeping. Spidey's slumber is disturbed by screaming.
It's the Germans!! Cap shouts. He jumps out of bed, to his feet. His eyes are closed, he is asleep.
What the hell....? Spidey asks himself.
Come on, boys. Let's go, Hitler awaits! Cap shouts, he hums the Star Spangled Banner. He marches over to the bed, and lays down. He begins to snore.
Oh, that can't be good...... Spidey mumbles.
~~~
Hours pass, both Spidey and Cap are fast asleep. Suddenly, Spidey is awaken. By someone kicking his back. Ow! What the hell?! he shouts, looking down.
Cap is laying in the bunk, with his feet pressed against the bottom of Spidey's bunk. Come on, Soldier! Those German bastards aren't gonna kill themselves! he shouts.
Spidey sighs. Oh yeah, I'm gonna love it here.... he repeats, in the same sarcastic tone.
DAY 2:
It is early morning. Spidey helps himself to the last of the chocolate milk, as Hulk enters the kitchen. Hulk picks up the empty Ovaltine can, a grimace appears on his face. Hulk wanted chocolate milk. he mumbles.
Oh. Yeah, sorry, big guy. Looks like I beat ya to it. Spidey says.
Give Hulk chocolate milk. Hulk says.
No way! Get your own. Spidey says.
Hulk picks Spidey up by the neck. Hulk want chocolate milk. Spidey-friend have chocolate milk. Hulk smash puny spidey-friend. Need hulk say more? Hulk says.
Here ya go, big guy. Have some chocolate milk. Spidey says, while struggling to breath.
Thank you! Hulk thought Spidey-friend never ask! Hulk says, he picks the chocolate milk out of Spidey's hand and drops him.
Wolverine enters the kitchen, he puts some bread in the toaster and presses the button. Minutes pass, as he realizes nothing's happening. Now, what the hell is this?! he shouts.
What is it, Wolvie? Spidey asks.
This damn toaster's broken. Wolverine replies.
Ah. Well, step aside, shortman. Allow the Doctor to operate. Spidey says. He opens the side of the toaster and begins fumbling with the wiring.
Meanwhile, Thor and Jubilee enter the kitchen. What's going on here? Thor asks.
I'm fixing the toaster. Spidey replies.
Shouldn't you wait for Dr. Richards? Jubilee asks.
What, you mean Brainiac in there? Spidey replies. Everyone gasps.
No! We Mean Dr. Reed Richards, not Brainiac! Jubilee says.
Art thou insane? Doth thou want to be sued by DC? Thor asks.
Cap runs into the room. Did someone in here just mention a DC character?! he asks frantically.
Yeah, Spidey did. Wolverine says.
Cap walks over to Spidey and smacks him in the back of the head. Ow! What the hell was that for?! Spidey asks.
Don't ever mention the characters of other companies! Ya damn fool! Cap replies.
Alright, alright! Jeez! Spidey shouts. Cap, Thor and Jubilee leave the room. Spidey continues messing with the toaster. We don't need that brain--.....I Mean....Mr. Fantastic...to fix a toaster! Any idiot can fix one of these. he says. Wolverine and Hulk look at each other and chuckle.
Ah-ha! I've got it. Spidey shouts.
What you got? Hulk asks.
Come here, ya big lug. Take a look at this. What do you see? Spidey asks.
Hulk looks down at the toaster. Hulk see a toaster. he says.
Spidey sighs. No. Look harder. What do you see? he asks.
Hulk looks closer. Hulk see a broken toaster. he says.
Spidey starts.
Yes. Hulk see broken toaster. Toaster not work, toaster broken. Hulk interrupts.
Spidey sighs. Well, yeah. You're right, but.... he starts.
Yay! Hulk right!! Hulk got question right! Hulk shouts, he begins to jump up and down. Spidey slaps him, he begins to cry.
Now stop that. I Mean the wires. Look, they're all crossed. Except these two. The red and blue wires. Spidey says. Hulk looks at him.
You got it? Spidey asks. Hulk looks at him.
Spidey asks. Hulk looks at him.
Spidey-friend hit Hulk. Hulk says in a hurt tone.
Oh, good lord. Alright. I'm sorry, Hulk, okay? Spidey says.
Spidey-friend sorry? Hulk asks.
Yes. Spidey-frie--...damn it...I Mean, I am sorry. Spidey says.
Okay. Hulk better now, Spidey-friend cool with Hulk again. Hulk says, he hugs Spidey.
Spidey says.
Hulk lets go. Hulk sorry.
Yeah, well....Anyway, we cross these two wires, and it should work. Spidey says. He goes to cross the wires. See? We cross the red with blu-- he starts, but is quickly interrupted by an electrical current flowing through his body. He shouts. Hulk grabs Spidey, attempting to pull him away. But he gets shocked as well.
Hulk shouts. Wolverine shakes his head and unplugs the toaster.
Any idiot, huh? he asks. He leaves the room. A Cloud of smoke rises off of Spidey's head.
Hulk feel all tingly. Hulk says.
Shut up, Hulk. Spidey says, he coughs.
~~~
Meanwhile, in Doom's room. Doom sniffs the air, What smells like burnt Lycra? he asks himself. He shrugs and continues what he's doing.
DAY 3:
Early afternoon, Doom comes out of his room. He is very clearly angry. All right, everyone. House meeting. Come on, everyone together. House meeting! he shouts.
Everyone gathers in the living room. What is it, Victor? Richards asks.
Doom has a question for you all.... Doom begins. Everyone looks at him. Who....has been using.....DOOM'S TOOTHBRUSH?! he shouts, angrily. He holds up a toothbrush.
Hulk no use Doom's toothbrush. Doom's toothbrush full of bacteria. Hulk says.
What? It is not! Doom shouts.
Yes. Doom has bad breath. Hulk says.
What?! I Do not! Doom shouts.
Actually, ya kinda do, bub. Wolverine says. Doom looks at him, shocked.
Verily. Like cabbage and broccoli. Thor adds. Doom flashes him a nasty look.
Yeah, I've noticed that too. I Mean, what the hell, Doom. What, do you eat raw garlic when no one's looking or something? Spidey adds, Doom gasps. Because, I gotta tell ya. You're breath is.....whoof. Man, no words can describe it. Spidey finishes.
Doom growls in frustration and storms into his room, slamming the door behind him.
~~~
Later in the afternoon, Spidey and Hulk are sitting on the couch. The Simpsons comes on the t.v. Hulk begins laughing hysterically.
Spidey looks at him in confusion. Nothing funny's even happened yet. What are you laughing at? he asks.
Yellow man funny! Yellow man make Hulk laugh! Hulk says, then continues to laugh hysterically.
Spidey looks at Hulk and looks at the screen. he says. He changes the channel, it's the news with Tom Brokaw. Hulk laughs hysterically again.
Now what are you laughing at?! Spidey asks.
Man with fake hair make Hulk laugh! Hulk says before laughing hysterically again. Spidey rubs his temples.
Cap walks into the room. What's so funny? he asks.
'Man with fake hair make Hulk laugh.' Spidey says with a sigh. Cap looks at the screen. And gives a chuckle.
You've got to admit, Spidey. He does have a certain funny look about him. he says. Spidey lets out a small whimper.
DAY 4:
When do Hulk get to vote people off island? Hulk asks.
Spidey sighs. Wrong show, Hulk. he says.
Ooh! I loved that show. I Can't believe that naked bastard won it, though Cap says. Spidey looks at him.
Naked bastard?! Hulk asks then proceeds to laugh hysterically. Spidey allows his head to fall on the table.
Hey, Hulk.... he says.
Hulk stops laughing. What spidey-friend want? he asks.
Why don't you go and listen to some CDs? Spidey asks with just the right touch of mock enthusiasm.
Hulks eyes widen, a huge grin appears on his lips. And jumps up and runs out of the room screaming: CD'S CD's CD's CD's!
Spidey sighs a sigh of relief.
~~~
A Few minutes pass, Wolverine enters the kitchen. Uh, is Hulk alright? he asks.
No. But he never was all there, so.... Spidey says.
No. I Mean.....well....come here and look. Wolverine says as he motions for them to follow him. Spiderman and Cap follow him into the living room, what they find there shocks and confuses them.
in the middle of the room, Hulk is wearing a pair of headphones hooked up to a portable CD player, he is dancing. Oops...Hulk Did it again! he sings.
Good Lord...... Cap utters.
Spidey is rubbing his eyes through his costume. My God, that image won't come out! Everytime I close my eyes, I'll see that! he shouts, as he rubs furiously. He whimpers quietly.
Thor enters the room. By Odin's Beard, what the hell is he doing?! he shouts.
I Believe that's the Funky Chicken.... Wolverine says. Spidey continues rubbing his eyes.
He walks over to Hulk. Hulk! Hulk! he shouts.
Hulk stops dancing, he takes off his headphones. What spidey-friend want? he asks, short of breath.
Change the CD. Spidey replies.
But, Hulk like Brittney Spears.... Hulk begins.
Spidey replies.
Hulk looks at Spidey. Ok, Spidey-friend. Hulk change CDs. he says.
Thank you, Hulk. Spidey says, he walks away.
Hulk takes out the Brittney Spears CD and replaces it. He begins dancing again, everyone turns and watches him. nananana....Bye bye bye! Hulk sings, before laughing hysterically and mumbling something about Justin Timberlake being Dreamy'.
Goodness. That appears to be even worse, wouldn't you agree Spidey? Cap asks.
He asks, he turns to see Spidey passed out on the floor.
Doom comes out of his room. What the hell is going on out here..... He stops when he sees Hulk dancing. Oh God! Doom has been blinded!! He shouts, he turns and runs into his room with his head in his hands.
DAY 5:
It is dinner time, our heroes are searching the kitchen for food. Wolverine is eating a sandwich, Jubilee is eating a slice of leftover pizza, Richards is eating an apple. Thor, Spidey and Hulk enter the kitchen.
Spidey and Hulk go right for the freezer, Spidey opens it. Ooooh! Frozen Taco! they both say in unison. They look at each other.
Hey, that's my frozen taco. Spidey says.
No, it Hulk's frozen taco. Hulk replies. They both reach for the taco.
Look, I gave you the last of the chocolate milk. Spidey says.
Yes. After Hulk choke spidey-friend. Hulk replies.
Only you would recall such petty details. Spidey mumbles.
Look at Hulk's hand. It so big. Hulk could squeeze Spidey-friend's face until Spidey-friend give Hulk taco. Hulk says.
Spidey freezes for a moment. You are such a bastard.
Yeah, Hulk knows. Hulk one badass mofo. hulk says, he heats up the taco.
Thor gets something to eat, as does Cap. Doom enters the kitchen, he runs to the freezer. What?! Who ate Doom's Taco?! he shouts.
Spidey struggles not to laugh. That was your taco? he asks.
Yes. Doom was saving that. Doom replies.
Well, you know, it hasn't been eaten yet.... Spidey says.
Really? Well, give Doom his taco! Doom demands.
You really want it? Spidey asks.
Yes! And not only that, I will badly injure whoever was involved in the theft of my taco! Doom says.
Spidey gives out a small chuckle. Okay. Hey, Hulk? he asks.
Yeah, Spidey-friend? Hulk asks.
Doom here says it's his taco, that he's gonna hurt you and take your taco away from you. Spidey says.
Hulk slowly turns around. Doom hurt Hulk? he asks.
Oh.....Shit. No, I would never hurt you, Hulk.... Doom says.
So, this Hulk's taco? Hulk asks.
Well, no. Technically, that's Doom's taco. Doom says. Hulk walks over to him and picks him up by the cape. What is this?! Put me down! Doom shouts.
Spidey and Wolverine are sitting at the table watching as a loud slap rings in the air, followed by a pathetic whimper. Did he....? Wolverine asks.
Yeah, I think so....Hulk just bitch-slapped Doom! Yeah!! Spidey replies.
Doom stands there for a minute, then runs into his room crying. Spidey cracks up laughing. Doom was crying like a little girl! he says, than laughs hysterically.
DAY 6:
It is mid-afternoon, Doom comes out of his room. Spidey, Cap and Wolverine are sitting in the living room. As Doom enters, they all start singing. Hulk made Doom his bitch, Hulk made Doom his bitch. they all sang.
Doom looks at them, infuriated. Stop that! Insolent fools! he shouts. They continue singing.
Hulk walks into the room, he joins in on the song. Hulk made Doom Hulk's bitch, Hulk made Doom Hulk's bitch. he sings. Doom growls and returns to his room.
~~~
Hours pass, Doom returns from his room, a large gun in his hand. Everyone is in the living room.
Whoa! Everybody run, it's Charlton Heston! Spidey shouts before cracking up laughing. Everyone joins in on the laughter.
Everyone, that is, with the exception of Doom. That's it. Everyone have a good laugh, imbeciles. But be warned; the next person to laugh at Doom, will get blasted into non-existence! he shouts.
Victor, how did you make that? You didn't have to means to construct such a weapon. Richards asks.
Very simple. Why do you think I called the big room? I Spent the first three days transforming it into my personal lab. And I spent the last three days constructing this weapon. With the sole intention of threatening you all with it. Doom replies.
so, wait. If you shoot someone with that, they'll cease to exist? Spidey asks.
In essence, yes. Doom replies.
Let me see, spend the next three weeks trapped in this house with seven extremely annoying people or face an eternity of non-existence....? Spidey says, he weighs the options. He thinks for a moment, before speaking.
Shoot me. he says.
Doom asks.
Shoot me! Come on, I'm ready. Shoot me!
Wait, you want to be shot? Doom asks.
Of course! Look around you. I Hate this place, I mean, don't you? Spidey replies.
Well, of course. But I'm the villain. I'm supposed to protest everything. Doom says.
Right. Well, in this case, you're right. Spidey says.
I'm right? Doom asks.
Yes. This is genuinely hell. Spidey replies. So, I say again, Shoot me! he adds.
Doom ponders it for a second. Very well. He says, he shoots Spidey.
Oh! Sweet, Sweet silence! Spidey says as he slowly disappears.
Hulk bursts into tears. Spidey-friend gone!!! he shouts as he continues his manic crying.
Oh, shut up. Doom says, he shoots Hulk too. Who then disappears.
By Odin's beard! Thor shouts as he is shot and disappears.
Doom! Stop thi-- Cap starts but is interrupted by Doom's gun. He disappears. As do Jubilee and Wolverine.
Richards runs over to Doom, he grabs the gun and tries to take it away. Doom, you have to stop this! He shouts.
Bite me, Richards. Doom replies. The two get into a huge struggle over the gun. Suddenly, it explodes. The energy hits both men, and they both disappear.
~~~
A Huge area with lots of trunks and musical instruments. A Flash of light, and our heroes are there. What the hell?! Spidey asks.
But, this was supposed to be non-existence.... Doom says to himself.
A voice says. It is the voice of the Beyonder. He appears in front of the heroes.
The Beyonder?! they all say in unison.
Yes. It is I, the Beyonder. Beyonder replies. You're all probably very confused and wondering why you exist at the moment, instead of what Doom had promised. he adds. The heroes all nod.
Well, truth be told, Doom's plan worked. There was a brief moment in time when you all ceased to exist. Beyonder says.
Then, what brought us back? Doom asks.
I Did. Beyonder replies.
But, why? Doom asks.
Because, you all left without even telling me. Let alone asking my permission. For all you know, I would've allowed you to leave. Let you go without a struggle. Beyonder says.
You would've?! Spidey asks.
Beyonder replies.
Spidey says.
But you didn't know that. And as punishment, I have brought you here. To this alternate reality where superheroes do not exist. Beyonder says.
Wait, no superheroes? Which means no super villains, right? Spidey asks.
Yes. That is correct. Beyonder replies.
Whoo-hoo!! I'm retired, baby! No more crime-fightin' for me! Spidey shouts.
Where are we? Cap asks.
The Astro-dome in Houston. Beyonder replies.
Cap says, as a confused look appears on his face.
Hulk have question. Hulk says.
Yes, hulk? Beyonder replies.
Why Hulk in hot pink tube top? Hulk asks. All the heroes look at him to see him dressed in hot pink, metallic clothing. They all laugh, until they notice they're dressed the same way.
Hey, what the hell is this?! Spidey shouts.
Ah, that. Yes. Well, seeing as there are no superheroes in this reality, I had to assign you all a different job. Beyonder says.
Suddenly, Brittney Spears bursts into the room. Come on, guys! This'll be the best show ever! she says.
Hulk shouts. Brittney giggles and leaves the room.
Hey.......wait a minute...... Spidey says. He thinks for a moment.
Oh shit. We're Brittney Spears's back-up dancers! Cap shouts in horror.
Yep. For all eternity. Or until I don't find it funny anymore. But done' bet on that. Beyonder replies with a chuckle.
Spidey screams as he falls to the floor.
Everyone groans in terror. All except the Hulk. Who is singing. Oops....Hulk did it again!
THE END