Shipping Wars: The Fangirl Menace
The Legend of Zelda...And All of Link's Potential Suitors
A/N: While I was reading fanfics by HolyMaiden24, this idea seized my brain and would not let go. Let it be known that I am not one of the fangirls mentioned in the title; I just looked at Hyrule Warriors' playable roster and thought "Hey, I've seen at least one shipping fanfic for Link and ALL of these girls!"
So first, let's look at one canon character who might inflict this on the Hero of Hyrule...
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In a purple, cloudy space within the Gate of Souls...
Ghirahim was not pleased. In fact, he was furious! Outraged! Sick with anger!
He was so CLOSE to reviving Master Demise and destroying all eras from that moment forevermore! And then that irritating sky child from the future had the gall to cut off Ghirahim's vengeful monologue and throw him into the Gate of Souls, where he now drifted between times.
"I swear, boy, you have awoken a fury that will burn for eons! Hmm...have I used that line before? I have not, and yet... Oh, this is very interesting! So this Gate of Souls connects to all times and realities? And it seems I will fail in the future as well... However! While 'I' am here, in this place, I can have the last laugh!"
"I see you're stuck in limbo, too, huh?" A haughty, teen-aged male spoke from somewhere off to Ghirahim's left, though the concept of "left" didn't quite make sense here. "Me, too. Like you, I was going to be the blade of domination in a grandiose scheme by an old man-or ancient force, take your pick-seeking ultimate power. And like you, my counterpart and his childhood female friend wrecked the whole thing at the moment of triumph." A closer look at the boy showed him to be about fifteen years old, with absurdly short ears by the standards of the humans Ghirahim knew hiding under his ridiculous spikes of jet-black hair. His predatory yellow eyes shone with a joyful malevolence rivaling Ghirahim's own obsidian orbs, and from the neck down he wore...
"Is that a skirt? And a skintight bodysuit styled after human musculature? How do you expect to be taken seriously?"
"Hey, like you're one to talk, Spirit of Faboo. I like to think I wear it better than both you and the pretty-boy inmy world's future. Anyway, the name's Vanitas. I was getting bored waiting for the future of my world to get off its lazy bum and hopefully include me, since that vague showing I was allotted in the Realm of Sleep was so unspecific that it landed me here instead of the garbage bin."
"...I have no clue what you're talking about, but it is my turn for introductions. I, the attractive specimen you see before you, am known as Ghirahim. I prefer my full title, Lord Ghirahim. To be written in a bold font two points larger than the surrounding text, if at all possible. I was just kicked through the Gate of Souls into this place after my own failure, which you already mentioned."
"Gate of Souls? That sounds like a plot device to mash up multiple timelines that have no business interacting. I bet it probably comes in a set with some chesty lady no one's ever heard of, and a bunch of other 'of Souls' items."
"Very perceptive of you! Though it seems my time was 'graced' with two such ladies. Anyway, though the Gate of Souls was closed in my time, it seems I can still use other Gates to exact my revenge on the sky child and this 'Eiji Aonuma' person whose name just popped into my head."
"And what makes you so confident it will work this time?"
"Well..."
Ghirahim whispered the plan into Vanitas' stubby ear in suggestive tones. The boy grinned a fanged grin at the prospect.
"This, I have got to see."
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After the exposition...
Link was feeling pretty good. He'd just come back to his army unit after rubbing Ghirahim's nose in it and closing the Gate of Souls, and he was happy enough to not really mind that half of his unit had been mind-controlled to kill him earlier. A golden portal formed in front of him, prepared in advance by Lana to allow him to return to his own era. With a silent wave and a grin at the army behind him, he ran through the Gate with the strange sword spirit, Fi, floating behind him...
"And...now."
Link barely had time to register the familiar, creepy voice before he blacked out, right as he passed into the Gate.
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Ghirahim's revenge begins...
When he came to, Link was having an out of body experience. He felt like a pair of invisible eyes floating through a very large chamber painted in a shade of pink that emasculated him just looking at it. Pillows of various sizes and pastel colors covered the floor several layers deep. What purpose could Ghirahim have in showing me this? I need to get back to the others...
Suddenly, a burst of white light heralded the arrival of a young girl with short green hair. She was followed by three redheaded women in similar clothing, lined up from tallest to smallest. Then a female Zora appeared, then what seemed to be a Gerudo warrior of the tribe that used to inhabit the western desert of the same name. Yet more flashes followed, each fading to reveal a new young woman or girl, each attractive in her own way. The last two to appear were Sheik and Fi.
"Okay, where is this?" asked the Gerudo woman.
"I dunno," answered all three different sized redheads from across the room, all at the same time. This unsettled pretty much everyone present.
"My scans reveal with 85% accuracy that we are currently in...GZZT...I feel funny. I think I might be...HIC!...Malfunctioning...Hee hee!" Link used to think Fi was weird when she first appeared as an emotionless hologram, but seeing her now, the Hero realized that she might have been less creepy like that. "Fi is pretty sure we're not in a 'place'... But Fi doesn't know more than that."
Oh Farore, no! She's speaking in third person! Link realized in horror. Clearly Fi was malfunctioning like nobody's business. Link felt like he might lose a screw or two just watching her, or maybe from all this pink.
A girl with green hair tied into two buns noticed some familiar faces. "Hey! Din and Nayru! It's me, Farore, Goddess of Courage and part-time Oracle of Secrets!"
That's Farore? She was a bouncing, energetic tween with green hair! Link's mental image of the Goddess of Courage was shattered. The two girls she'd called over had to be Din and Nayru, and it was easy to tell which was which by their hair color.
"Hey! Did any other fairies end up here? I'm Navi!" A blue fairy bounced up and down in midair, shortly joined by a white fairy.
"I'm Tatl. Nice to meet you, Navi. Your name sounds familiar, but I don't..." The white fairy was cut off by a cringe-inducing laugh.
"And I am the Great Fairy of Magic! It seems we have many young ladies here!"
"Oh, no. Count me out! Great Fairies give me the creeps!" The Gerudo tried to run away, only to trip over Fi, who was lying on the ground and tossing a pillow in the air with her not-arms.
"Oops! Sorry, Nabooru! Fi should have sat in a corner."
"Nabooru? The Sage of Spirit?" The green-haired girl who appeared first sat up at the name.
"How do you know me, blue...thing?"
"Fi just does. Fi knows all sorts of things!"
"It looks like you, Saria, and I all ended up here," the Zora said as she approached. "Ugh. These pillows make it hard to walk! Who dares dump Ruto, Princess of the Zoras, in such a place?"
"Sister, who's the lady who looks like Romani?"
"I'm Malon, and I co-own Lon Lon Ranch with my father."
"Wow, you own a ranch, too?"
"I might not have, if it hadn't been for the fairy boy from the woods. He was just like a knight in shining armor, except he wore green. And the way he rode off on Epona after jumping the ranch fence..." Malon sighed dramatically and pretended to swoon.
"Epona? Romani gave Epona to Grasshopper after he fought off the cow-stealing alien ghosts!"
"Romani, I thought I told you to drop that."
"But it really happened, Sister! If Grasshopper hadn't been there, they'd have taken Romani away too, and then you'd be sorry!" Romani pouted.
"Huh? Epona was at your ranch? I know he left Hyrule with Epona...maybe she got lost, and ended up at your ranch somehow?" Malon was stuck on the apparent paradox, and missed the part about the cow-tipping aliens.
"Yep, that's what Grasshopper's fairy said! Grasshopper didn't talk much himself, but he helped a lot and was so nice!"
"So we know the same fairy boy... How odd."
Meanwhile, a certain pair of sorceresses had each noticed the other's presence here.
"Cia! I've found you!"
"Lana, how many times will you use that tired quote? You sound like a comic-book heroine, come to serve justice or what have you at evil. And that pose is all wrong for it. You look like you're trying to give someone fanservice with your hand over your forehead like that, but you'd have better luck if you dressed like me!"
Lana froze up, blushing a deep red that was really interesting to see next to her blue hair. "But you dress like a harlot! How do you think you're going to win Link's heart and his unbreakable spirit when you're dressed up as a dominatrix with a jester's cap?"
"Don't forget you wore this headdress too, Lana. And I suppose you think acting cute and innocent will win the Hero's heart sooner? Was that your plan when you left?" Cia began to growl as darkness rose from her skin like dust scattered in an antique house. She tried to summon her trusty scepter and whip some obedience into her better half, but found that it did not appear. "What?! Where did my beautiful weapon go?"
Lana tried to summon her tomes and her enchanted Deku Staff, but met the same result. "I can't summon a weapon either! It's not my fault! All my magic is missing!"
"Well, this complicates matters. How am I to bring you to heel, if I can't properly flay you?"
Meanwhile, pretty much every woman, girl, and fairy in the room had fallen silent. Lana and Cia suddenly became aware that everyone present had heard their exchanges.
Link, as a disembodied pair of eyes in the corner, had also heard everything, and this explained so much!
"Wait, you two love Link?" A voice called out.
"But I love Link!"
"Link and I are already married!" Ruto was laughed off, and fumed with such anger that the Great Fairy managed to summon an egg to fry on her forehead.
"It looks like magic works if it won't hurt anyone or let us leave. Not that I'd miss this show for anything." The Great Fairy laughed her infuriating laugh as she called out to incite the masses, "Link would have died two hundred times without my aid!" For once, no one noticed.
"Hey! I knew him longer!"
"Ha! Now I remember! You're that fairy that left him all alone! What chance do you have?"
"More than you, you attitude problem!"
"Nobody lays a finger on my precious wolf without my say-so!" That was said by Midna, who was still in imp form due to Cia's curse. And here was yet another excellent reason to beat the witch into the ground... Along with all these other has-beens and wannabes.
"Fi, like, loves Link, too!"
"..." Sheik kept out of the conversation, confident in her disguise and Sheikah training to keep the rest of them from realizing that she was the one Link ended up with, time after time. And she smirked under her cloth wrappings when the thought of her ninja skills, for she had just come up with a lovely idea...
A hot-pink pillow suddenly sailed through the air, smacking the ridiculous headdress off of Cia. The black witch whipped her head around in rage, but couldn't locate anyone who might have thrown the fluffy, silken projectile.
"Hey!" Navi exclaimed. "Her boobs are bigger than the pillow!"
"How dare you, you insolent ball of fluff!"
"Ooh! Fi thinks there's a 100% probability that this is a...PILLOW FIGHT!"
And chaos descended on the room.
"Ah, perfect!" Link suddenly became aware of Ghirahim's voice. He debated calling out and demanding the Demon Lord face him in battle, but then remembered that he was mute. And as an invisible presence in the room, he couldn't give anyone his favorite angry look, either.
A new voice invaded Link's mind, one he was certain he'd never heard and should never hear. "It's glorious! The Demon Blade has opened a door; one that leads to all eras! And now, crush-bearing fangirls have flocked here, from each and every one of them, to battle for the rights to Link's heart! And just as the Legend of Groose says, the Shipping Wars have begun!"
Ghirahim sounded surprised. "Groose? I understand why you wouldn't call it The Legend of Link, or worse, The Legend of Zelda, but Groose? And did you prepare that speech beforehand, Vanitas?"
"The Groosenator himself said it once, according to the usual timeline. I just wanted to get under the kid's skin. And yeah, I used a version of that speech before. I ad-libbed it then, but it's surprisingly good for Mad Libs!"
Ghirahim chuckled. "Quite so. Well, 'Hero,' enjoy the remainder of my undying vengeance. The embarrassment must be crushing your so-called unbreakable spirit by now, but it's also an excellent treat for the eyes!"
"Ooh, those mashup characters are ripping each other's tops off!"
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. The Author decrees that under no circumstances will a situation be described to contain nudity in this story...beyond what those two had going when they got here...
A booming, omniscient voice entered the conversation, and the scene before them, which could not be described by words in this story, rewound in time until before Cia had tackled Lana to the floor. Instead, Lana smacked Cia to the left with a double-sized blue throw pillow, where the black witch lay unconscious.
"Serves you right, Cia! Looks like you're the first one down, too! Lana/Link forev-URK!" Lana was struck down by a red pillow from Nabooru right in the middle of her fanservice pose.
"Drat. It seems a higher power has decided to prevent my vengeance from permanently blinding you, you lucky boy. Still, the new exchange was quite entertaining. More! You should all drop from the fight like worthless ladybugs!"
Agitha suddenly launched a whole pile of pillows into the air, with Midna, Saria, Ruto, and Malon on top, displaying superhuman strength despite her apparently dainty mannerisms. Immediately after, the "Princess of the Insect Kingdom" went back to being her usual cheerful self. "Did she hear me?"
Nabooru got flanked by the Romani Ranch sisters and tripped over Princess Ruto, and fell in a pile of pillows and fish-woman. Fi floated past, dropping pillows from the massive pile she was carrying and burying the Nintendo 64 veterans underneath. "Oopsies! Fi dropped some pillows! Now where did those Oracles go?"
Farore, as one of the very few people here who didn't take her crush on Link seriously (though she did have one; she chose him for the Triforce of Courage, after all), was trying to hold Din and Nayru away from each other as they started pulling each other's copious locks of hair. Nayru suddenly slipped on another pillow, and her grip on Din caused the normally graceful dancer to fall on top of the Oracles of Ages and Secrets in an undignified heap, where they promptly fell unconscious.
"Drat! Fi wanted to dump pillows on them, but they're already sleeping! Oh, well, Fi can find a new tar-" Fi abruptly stopped talking, having been nailed with a critical hit by Sheik, who was hiding under the layers of pillows the entire time. Fi turned into the Goddess Sword, but instead of a divine blade, there was a white pillow attached to a plushie hilt.
Meanwhile, Navi and Tatl were bonking into each other as they flew all over the room, looking for all the world like Mew and Mewtwo duking it out in a movie none of them had seen. At least, they were doing that until the Great Fairy caught them both in bottles and disappeared from the room with them, making use of her own powerful plot-device magic.
The carnage had ceased, and there seemed to be no survivors. All the unconscious ladies vanished from the room in flashes of light similar to how they'd entered. All but one...
"It seems I win..." Sheik appeared in a puff of smoke. "I'd like to thank whoever put me up to this. I needed to unwind before the next battle, since I plan to reveal my identity then. And then everyone will see the power of destiny..." Sheik threw down a Deku Nut, and vanished from the room in the ensuing flash of light.
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In the Void "of Souls...
"Oh, come on, girl! You're still convinced that your secret identity is a spoiler?" Vanitas yelled at the blank screen he'd conjured to enjoy the fight.
"It is painfully obvious, especially to those of us who know of Super Smash Brothers. I admit that I only got a slot as an Assist Trophy, and only after she'd had her alter ego split into a separate slot on the roster, but the trophy blurbs were very informative." Ghirahim flipped his hair. "This was a very entertaining excursion! Why, I believe the experience has permanently scarred the Hero brat's soul! Such a thing would make me positively giddy!"
Vanitas growled. "It was fun and all, but I'm getting out of here before you turn me fabulous." He vanished into a typical Dark Corridor from his series.
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In Hyrule Field, on the present day...
Link stumbled out of the Gate of Souls. Waiting for him was Lana, standing next to a pair of visitors from the Era of Twilight. Lana waved over to him with her usual energy as Fi floated out of the Gate behind him.
"Hi, Link! Long time, no see! How did things go in the Era of the Sky?"
Link shuddered, but of course said nothing. Lana had spent so much time studying his face that she could understand what he meant, though. It was fine, but after that...something horrible. I don't remember, though.
Lana tried with his companion. "Hey, aren't you Fi, the spirit of the Goddess Sword? Did you come to join our cause? What's wrong with Link?"
"To answer your queries: Yes, Fi is the name I was given. I have traveled from the past to aid my current Master in his quest. As for my Master's current state of distress...I have no recollection in my memory. I have logged the repair of several errors, though I cannot recall when they occurred or what I may have done while my mind was damaged."
Link shuddered involuntarily again.
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In the Water Temple...
Sheik revealed her identity in a flashy magical display. "I am Zelda!"
Somehow, Impa was taken completely by surprise. "Your Highness?!"
Zelda giggled sheepishly. "It's me, Impa. I'm sorry for deceiving you. Let us defeat this evil being together... Although, for some reason, I feel like I have already won."
"You did disappear from the group a few minutes ago. What happened?"
"I did? Strange... Well, no matter. You dark beings will never defeat the light!" This was said to Wizzro, as Zelda launched a Light Arrow at the hapless cosplayer, whose Zelda impersonation had already vanished under the gaze of the Lens of Truth.
"Argh! That plan was perfect!" Wizzro clutched the hole in his robe.
"Just like the last one?" Impa mocked in a rare show of spitefulness.
Zelda smiled. "Your type never wins, Wizzrobe. And if you plan to impersonate me, get the colors right next time. Your commanding princess voice could also use some work."
"It's 'Wizzro,' darn it! Get it right! My power is incomparable to those wimpy mini-bosses! And my voice is just fine, thank you very much..." The ring spirit vanished, along with his monsters, and the victorious Zelda led her troops back home.