Disclaimer: I don't own House of Anubis or its characters.

I've waited for her to feel bad. She always does. Mara is one of the kindest people I've ever met, but when you get her mad, expect the worst kind of revenge - but know that she'll feel bad upon executing it.

This time, however, the time I've been hurt deeper by her punishment than any other time (although it has unarguably been a well-deserved punishment)... This time, she still doesn't regret talking Joy into breaking my heart.

I regret cheating on her daily - especially when my father calls and asks how Mara is. But what she's done... I don't think she is the person I've been in love with. Even when angry, Mara has always known the boundaries, which do not seem to exist for her anymore. She knows where it hurts the most; she knows that trusting people is hard for me. Yet she still has asked Joy to lie her way into my heart and break it.

Actually, Mara's two sides have always attracted me. I've been amazed at how compassionate and caring she could be at times; I've been equally amazed by the times when she was able to make a person feel so small they wanted to disappear. Honestly, I can't accuse her of being this way. I'm quite complicated in that sense too. Never quite nice, never quite mean - I have always been astonished by Mara's ability to go to extremes. This time... I wish she hadn't.

So now, I wait for her to say something. To apologise, to give me a reassuring smile, some kind of hope that our relationship is not wrecked to the point of no return. I never get any of that.

To be honest, I'm quite confused. I feel like I might love Joy, I know I'm in love with Mara; I know that both have willingly hurt me; I know that I've unwillingly hurt both. Maybe that's just what I do. Destroy my relationships with the people most dear to me and then suffer. Even now, when I've lost both of them - when I should know for sure whom I value the most - I don't know who I would choose if I ever get a chance. Which I won't.

I might apologise, promise that I'll change. After some time they might believe me. But is that going to change anything? I'll end up doing the same thing all over again. The thing with Joy though, is that she accepts me like that. She accepts my tendency to ruin things. But how am I supposed to stop ruining them if she doesn't do anything about it? With Mara, it's a whole different story. She seems to see a version of me that doesn't exist - the misunderstood angel that can do no wrong or the rotten jerk that is up to no good, whichever suits me better at the time - and she is constantly trying to change what does exist. But maybe that's the only way for me to stop screwing things up for myself?...

I need to clear my head. To start fresh. What have I been doing before this started? Pulling pranks with or on Alfie, hating my parents. Oh, how dandy. Another thing on my long list of things I owe to Mara - restoring my relationship with Dad! And Alfie is now so busy with Sibuna... Hopelessly trying to make it seem like they don't all feel empty and incomplete without Nina. To be honest, even I feel like that. I even miss my daily banter with Mick. If I could only turn back time... Maybe then, after they had saved me from Rufus, I could have established more bonds. Have real friends, more things to be tied to - things I wouldn't ruin.

One thing is for sure - dwelling on "should have" and "would have's" is not a nice way to spend your day out in the park. I stand up and look for Alfie - maybe he is still up for a prank... After all, I've got my father, my sister and my friend. My housemates will stand by me no matter what, my friendship with Joy and Mara can still be saved. I might have a knack for ruining relationships, but no one can rekindle them like I do.