Sunnary: Everyone's favorite stalker is back! Rated PG-13.

Sex, Lies & Celebrity Stalking: The Ballad of Hector


It was the familiar voice, gnawing and slightly nasally, that caused Jimmy to stop dead in his tracks just inside the doorway of his and Chazz Michael Michaels' shared cabin. "Oh my God, Chazz, you have, like, the hottest penis ever, okay."

Crossing the threshold into the TV area slash den slash designated place for either of them to go when they needed to masturbate and the other was still trying to sleep or something, Jimmy's worst fears were confirmed: sitting on the battered couch, munching on peanuts out of a can and giggling, was Chazz, alongside Jimmy's long-time stalker and self-proclaimed biggest fan, Hector. "Chazz, what the crap?" Jimmy spluttered.

Chazz glanced up, tossing his hair over his shoulder with well-practiced grace. "Oh, we met up at the uh, the grocery store. He followed me home like a lost puppy," he explained.

Jimmy gaped at the pair in disbelief. "Chazz, what the Hell? I have a restraining order out against him! He's been obsessed with me for like, ten years. When I was fifteen, I received a package from him in the mail with part of a finger and a t-shirt with our faces Photoshopped together on it."

"That wasn't like, my finger or anything in case you were wondering," Hector chimed in.

Jimmy sighed. "The point is," he said, pointing at Hector," is that he shouldn't be here."

Chazz glanced at Jimmy, and then at Hector. "Uh," he said eloquently. "Whoops?"

"That's all you have to say?" Jimmy groaned.

"Well, he didn't look so dangerous when he approached me in the produce section, asking my advice on cucumber girth," Chazz shrugged. He clapped Hector on the shoulder. "That's when I told him about MY, uh, girth, and he said he carried a copy of my porn tape around with him and really wanted to compare the movie to the real thing. So we came back here."

The noise emanating from the television set now became tell-tale. Jimmy shuddered. "You picked up my stalker from Safeway, brought him back to the one place I was safe from him offering me a cup of his urine as a gift, and now you're watching your own amateur sex tape with him?"

"Hey, this is a piece of art," Hector corrected, stroking Chazz's arm lasciviously. "It won a prestigious adult film award."

"I don't care," Jimmy said flatly, rubbing his temples. "I want you to leave, Hector."

"Look, Jimmy, I know that like, you think the world revolves around you and your ah-may-zing ass and all, but like, I'm here for Chazz today. You'll just have to take a number, or something," Hector retorted. "But I still think you're like, really awesome and stuff, okay."

Jimmy turned to Chazz. "Make him go," he said pleadingly.

Chazz grimaced at Hector and thumbed his finger over his shoulder. "Hey, buddy. Sorry about this, but uh, I think you should probably go. For Jimmy's sake."

Hector nodded slowly. "I get it, I get it, the little woman. I understand," he whispered conspiratorially, despite the fact that Jimmy was still standing in front of them and could hear every word. Hector got up and brushed himself off slowly. He made like he wanted to touch Jimmy, but the other man stood resolutely with his arms crossed protectively over his chest. "This place is like, so great," Hector continued enthusiastically. "I told Chazz I was going to the bathroom and went into your bedroom and smelled your pillow and took some hairs out of your brush and stuff, and wow," he gushed.

Jimmy pointed towards the door. "Leave. Now."

"I'll always remember this day as the day I explored the inner-sanctum of the greatest pairs skaters of all time," Hector continued. He leaned forward and Jimmy stepped backwards warily. "I'm gonna go home and make a wig out of your hair, Jimmy."

"Whatever," Jimmy shuddered. "Hector, please get out."

"It makes me so hot. It's been like, rubbing against my skin and stuff for like two hours now," Hector beamed. He began stripping off his outer layer of clothing.

"Whoa, dude -" Chazz began.

Hector stripped down to Jimmy's infamous peacock outfit. "It's like, so awesome. I'm never going to wash it, even though I like, wear it every day and stuff. I put the hair against my chest," he said. "Sometimes it rubs against my nipples and it makes them like, so hard, oh my God."

"Oh, my God," Jimmy repeated, and then stamped his foot. "Hector, out now, or I'm calling the police."

Hector pouted. "Okay, okay, Mr. Grumpy Gator." He plucked the sex tape out of the player and held it out reverently. "Just let me get this autographed by Chazz, first," he continued.

Chazz grinned. "Anything for a fan." Jimmy rolled his eyes.

"Thanks," Hector lisped. "You have like, the most amazing bulge, Chazz. Any chance you'll ever make it back to the adult film circuit?" he said, with all the grace of a serious news reporter. "You know," he continued without waiting for an answer, "guy-on-guy stuff is like, all the rage right now. You and Jimmy could make a killing debuting your own movie together." Hector's eyes glinted. "I'd buy like, forty copies."

Jimmy picked up the phone. "Hector, I'm giving you until the count of three. One --"

"You could call it, like, Pounding Ice, or something."

"Two --"

"Have you ever heard of this move called the Wheelbarrow? 'Cause it'd be like, totally awesome. Okay, bye," Hector said quickly, finally noticing Jimmy's murderous stare. He leered at Chazz from the doorway until Jimmy slammed the door in his face. He padlocked it, and then proceeded to go around to every window and possible entrance into the cabin and make sure they were all secured.

"We're going to have to move now, you know," he said to Chazz.

The other man popped a handful of peanuts into his mouth and chewed them noisily. "He didn't seem all that dangerous to me," he said helpfully, bits of nut spraying out of his mouth.

Jimmy sighed. "That's what I thought before he found out where I was having my Sweet Sixteen party and serenaded me with 'I'll Make Love to You'."

"Oooh, a classic seduction song," Chazz said approvingly. Jimmy groaned and plunked down on the couch next to his skating partner. "Hey, cheer up," Chazz urged, proffering the half-empty container. "Nuts?"

"Thanks," Jimmy said. He looked down at the floor, and then bit his lip and glanced at Chazz. "So uh, can I ask you something?" he queried.

Chazz snickered. "Looks like you already did. But for you, MacElroy, I'll let you ask another question."

"I ... wow, that's like, the first time one of your barbs actually made sense," Jimmy realized. He shook his head, and then blushed. "Anyway, I just ... I wanted to know, um ... what IS the Wheelbarrow, exactly?"