This story has previously been published on LJ. It is the story of what happened after Syed took Christian to the policestation, after he was attacked. A review is very much apreciated.

~s~c~

'Not until I've seen you walk through that door'.

'Now there's trust for ya'.

And I watch him walk his 'Christian walk' into the police station.

Mistake! My brain screams out to me. As if I didn't realise that. I could have still turned away, walked away, run away even. But now I'm frozen to the spot.

Ever since that beautiful man has been beaten up, I've known the truth. Honestly, until I saw those bruises and cuts on my lovers face, I could deny it.

This isn't different.

I fancy him, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

He is nothing to me.

And I believed it. Made myself believe it. Silenced any whispers of doubt. Closed my eyes when I looked in the mirror. Closed my heart when I looked at him.

But now there is no escape. I want him. That hasn't changed. I lust after him, hunger for him still. And I long for the day that that was all I felt.

But then I'll see him. The sight of him, makes me happier then I've ever been. I forget the world around us. I forget about my family, Amira, about anything and everything. I want to touch him, take care of him, hold him, kiss him, fuck him, be with him, breathe him, smell him, taste him…

He has taken up residence in my heart. When did he move in? How did I not notice? I can feel him so clearly now. I cannot think of what this means. That I…

No. I'm not going there. I just have to walk away now, go home, to my family, my fiancée…

But I don't. I ignore the little voice that is telling me to run, run, run for my life. Because there is only one place, one person, I want to run to. And he just walked into that police station.

I'm not going anywhere. I know this. So I find a comfortable wall to lean against, and wait…

Someone is coming out of the police station. Is it him? I get all excited. No. My shoulders drop and I lean back against the wall.

This starts me thinking. What will I do when he does walk out of there? I know what I want to do. But how can I tell him that? After all I said at the engagement party? I told him not to touch me. What was I thinking? If he never touched me again I…

I shiver. Despite the sun, I'm suddenly feeling cold.

I'm running all kinds of scenarios through my head.

I'll just kiss him, right here, right now…

No, can't do that…

I'll tell him I miss him…

I'll pretend nothing's changed and just say goodbye…

I'll just look at him and try and make him read my mind…

O fuck it, I can't do this! I'm waiting for him and that is it! We'll see what happens…

Finally, he's here.

'Well?'

He turns around and looks at me. I can tell he's confused to see me here. Join the club!

'What are you doing here?'

I can't answer that. I don't know the answer. I can't not be here, that is all I know. So instead I ask: 'How did it go?'

He's not that easily distracted though.

'You've not been waiting for me all this time…'

It's now or never. What should I say? My mind is racing. So I take the plunge.

'Are you gonna invite me home?'

He smiles at me and my heart skips a beat.

'Come on'

We take a shortcut to his apartment. On the way, he fills me in on how it went. Apparently there has been some other guy who has been attacked and it is probably the same creep. They are looking for him already, so that's good I guess. I just listen and nod along. I can't believe how nervous I am. He seems just fine.

We arrive at his door. He opens it for me, and let's me go up the stairs first. I can almost feel him checking out my ass. I feel myself get all warm and tingly. This is going to be good.

When I've reached the top of the stairs, I turn around to see him still standing at the bottom.

'Christian? What's going on? Why are you not coming upstairs?' I ask. He's making me nervous. He has this look in his eyes I don't recognise. Has he changed his mind?

Silently, he follows me up the stairs. He's careful to create some distance between us before he'll look at me.

'I don't want to do this anymore Sy'.

I can see that he means it and I get really scared.

'I can't believe I'm saying this. I don't know who I am anymore. You're hot, beautiful, sexy as hell, and part of me wants to pick you up, throw you on the bed, and fuck your brains out'.

Ok, so this is sounding good to me. Let's go with that side, I try to tell him without words.

'But I won't. Because I know what will happen next. You'll sneak out of my bed, you'll hardly say a word and then tomorrow at work you'll ignore me again. Thanks, but no thanks. You've been very kind today. I'm glad you made me go to the police, but it's best that you go now'.

I just stand there. I don't want to go. But he doesn't want me to stay. My mind is racing. What should I do? I give him a pleading look.

'What do you want from me Sy?' he almost shouts at me. 'Don't you get it? I can't be all happy tonight only for my world to come crashing down around me tomorrow. The first time was disappointing, but I could handle it. The second time… it crushed me. I can't handle a third. You want to cop off with some bloke? Then why don't you go pick up some guy in a bar. I don't want to be your three night stand, thank you very much. Now will you just GO!'

I can see the tears streaming down his face. My heart aches for him. I can't stop my own eyes from filling up. I have to say something, anything.

'Let me take care of you. I… I've heard you. I understand. I'm so sorry for hurting you so badly. I didn't realise… I just want to take care of you now. I promise I won't try and seduce you or anything' I feel myself blushing as I say this, but force myself to go on. 'I'll make you some tea, tidy up a bit, do the dishes, chance the sheets, listen to you… Anything. Just please don't tell me to go'. I hear my voice quavering at the end.

He looks at me. I can see the indecision on his face. I jump at this small window of opportunity.

'You know what, I'm making the tea. You just sit down and relax and see how you feel. If after a while, you still want me to leave, I promise to go'.

Not waiting for his reply, I walk into the little kitchen, fill the kettle and turn it on. I try and hear without looking what Christian is doing. I can hardly make anything out over the loud beating of my heart.

I'm looking for mugs and teabags. His kitchen is a stranger to me. The only part of his apartment I know by heart is his bed. I'm ashamed to realise this. I've used him. When I wanted him, when I could no longer resist temptation, I just took from him what I wanted and then left. I just assumed that I had given him the only thing he wanted from me, but now I see I was wrong. He wants more, and so do I. Today is about him. I'll not do anything he doesn't want me to do. Just pamper him a bit. Try and make him feel a little bit better if I can.