fandom - Honey and Clover
title - unrecognizable shape of us.
rating - g
pairing - mayama + yamada
description – On a late night, Yamada reflects on the news and tries to create pottery.
Disclaimer - Honey and Clover isn't mine, but the poem (For the sake of you) is.
I can't seem to understand that when
you suddenly disappeared and reappeared
only to part with me
with a smile and a hug,
that that was finally it.
There was really no turning back.
I keep on scraping things on the cement ground
the immaculate gray unscratched,
but my hands are bleeding with my fingernails torn through.
Hopelessly, I'm searching for that damn treasure
that I don't know if I kept it all along
or did I lose it along the way.
The endless search continues.
The past is something I hold on
while I love someone who is my future.
And yet, you are still so fresh in my thoughts,
my heart still keeps on pounding and pouring
as much the rain that comes through my eyes.
Though you hurt me unknowingly,
this feeling gets deeper,
and you are embedded there, surely.
The pain which sprung with the luck and
smiles, there you reside.
I can't seem to let go
even as the pitter-pattering of the rain goes
and I hold my breath
trying not to cry with all my strength
as the world goes round
in all my bitter confusion.
Still, I live on,
as you told me to.
And as she pushes me to.
Unable to give up either, I rise and fall.
Like my chest that cringes and I breath out hurtfully.
You are still here
and there's nothing I can do.
Relentlessly, you...
To keep holding on,
that's what you told me.
And I still do it...
*cries* For the sake of you.
unrecognizable shape of us.
By miyamoto yui
I'd like to ask the question: When did things run out so suddenly?
The coldness persists through the closed windows, like my body that's unable to breathe.
Waiting and going as the darkness takes over everything, I am only a shadow tonight.
Lost in a journey, I can't seem to mold things in my hands anymore. The clay will become dusty if I take too long, and to overdo it, it won't come out naturally. Have things become this distorted inside of me?
If art is the reflection of the soul, then why is it that I can't seem to ever find the shape that I want it to be in? Pulling and pushing at the same time, I close my eyes to what is there. And yet I open my eyes again to face them in a certain way that only I know how.
Even as I face you, you are only the person of my memory even as I stand next to you.
I keep on rolling this away, making these bowls with my hands in the middle of the night. I know that I shouldn't have a key, but I asked, "Sensei, please."
He seemed to understand my plight after all. Well, there is no person who can't feel some kind of sympathy for those that have had their heart broken. It is something that is natural and unnatural at the same time. It isn't ripping your heart and it isn't about protecting it anymore. It's about holding onto anything that leads to something that you know will become nothing in the end.
I don't want to cry because this is the way things were going to be. He was very kind when he told me to my face. After all, this person was an honest friend that had gradually warmed himself inside of my heart before I knew it.
That's why I did these things, after all.
Being lost, I had to make something tangible.
Some people write and others shop. For me, it is to be able to make something real between my hands even though I know it's a dream at the same time. To make something from my imagination to exist. And I know very well that there is a danger in making a world all your own and you become so self-absorbed that you forget what's around you. It is a passion of concentration and effort that you can't seem to let go of when the rhythm takes you.
The spinning seems to become stronger and fiercer when I know that it's going around in circles enough for me to create without having to think back.
But the tears are still here and they still hurt.
They come down with no empathy for their owner.
I wipe them away with the back of my hand, trying my best not to get clay mixed in my eyes or into my creation.
I begin to laugh a little too while humming to myself the song that you used to sing when you thought no one was paying attention. It was the one you would attempt to sing whenever you weren't able to make coffee in an uncomfortable situation.
And still, in my head distorted head, I hear your voice as you urge me when I make this thing.
I throw it away to one side. It slides down the wall and disintegrates. I know I shouldn't destroy things like that because everything should be made with love, for it becomes more beautiful with the care you give it.
But I'm caught between letting go and keeping. I just can't seem to understand what I'm supposed to do.
I'm sure there have been as many damaged hearts as mine as there are people in the world…
…and I know I'm not alone at this time…
But the one that I want the closest to me is forever and will always be the person who is furthest away.
I kneel before the wet clay like a mother before its child. I hold this lump inside my arms and dirty myself all over the more I squeeze it. The tears don't seem to change their course. They keep on falling, faster than before. "I know…I know that very well."
You shouldn't cry on your baby because it's bad luck they say. Sorrow shouldn't touch it.
And I hold it closer to me because this unrecognizable shape is us. Yes, it is you and me.
I can't seem to tear myself away when I know very well the destruction within.
But when he told me while trying to buy sake, I fainted. My whole body tore itself right down the middle and I couldn't keep my balance anymore. My support was kidnapped away in one swift word unspoken.
I know I shouldn't let it rest on one person, but there's no use in saying that now. When you love, you give everything so you don't regret. And I don't. I certainly don't.
After all, the person I loved faced the world like an adult. Yes, that was absolutely the kind of person I fell in love with.
I'm sure, someday, someone will regard me as the same. I hope that will be true for me as well, Mayama.
But right now, as the moonlight drops in tears through the window, I will try to make something that will never be there. Or rather, to make proof of what is living in here and will always be stirred by only you no matter how many years pass.
I continue to hum your favorite tune, even if it's hers…Moon River, was it?
I must be awful for saying that I'm looking towards the future, when right now, as I listen to myself, I'm thinking of you once more. This is a cut that goes deeper with its reopening. For, the hurt is the only way I can find the happiness that once was. I'm afraid of losing you, as with watching this damn show called 'life' that makes me cry because it reminds me of you, your past and future selves at the same time. I really feel like a person who is searching for something that is no longer there.
I know there isn't, and yet I still try to salvage what I have like a homeless person. My heart is always flowing away in invisible red.
There is a duality in which I am happy to be with the 'you of now', but then I am super in love with the other, the 'you of before'. It's as if things will never be balanced.
Am I supposed to let go? But I simply can't. That's my problem since the beginning. And when I hear or sing this song, it is too apparent that my feelings are still the way they once were, getting ever deeper.
I wonder when time will stop.
But I know it won't.
When tomorrow touches me, I will lift my head up. Even if I'm dizzy…
And I will go on as you always pushed me to do.
As my strength flows away with all the water of my body bleeding through my eyes, I sit up with my clay-pasted child joined at my lap. I start the spiraling motion, position my weary hands, and focus my blurry eyes towards a new chunk of hardening clay.
Now, I have to find another pillar of strength that isn't you.
I have to force myself to.
If I don't, I will never grow. I will keep on looking at the past instead of looking forward. And my happiness isn't there anymore.
That's not where I am. And I shouldn't ever be there, but once in a while, I'll recall everything to re-live them out in my head.
To keep you…
To keep you from fading,
I have to remember this bittersweet feeling…
In my mind, my ears ring with the sound of your voice once saying my name sweetly, "Ayu."
You opened me up the moment you said my name for the first and last time to me.
I smile softly to myself. "Yes, I'm right here.
Right here."
Like you are resounding inside of me. Hiding away in that space where you took a part of me and filled me with a bit of yourself.
The tears fall again while I concentrate as best as I can with my blind hands leading the way…
Another self emerges, she's the one without you as my heart, the center of everything…
"But as I make this…
I wonder what is it that I'm trying to rescue and save
if you're here inside of me?
What exactly am I looking for?
Is it because I couldn't get what I want? Are you what I truly need? Would I have been satisfied if I had you? Were you the kind of person I wanted to become so I wanted to grow with you even if I didn't know what I'd offer?
Or was the challenge of not having you made you so desirable to me?
I don't know…I really don't…"
The shape, whatever it is in front of me, is gradually become pretty under the help of this moonlight. I'm still thinking of your, of course. Even from this hurt, I'm able to make charming creations because you opened the door to make me see how beautiful the world is.
Sadly, I crack a pained, yet hopeful smile.
"But what I definitely know is…
It will take many years to unwrap you from my tightly-guarding heart."
Owari.
-
Author's note: Mayama's actually my favorite next to Morita. And of all the girls Rika and Miwako are my favorite. It's just that this girl seems to remind me of the self I try to push away but can't help but embrace for she encompasses my mixed fears and hopes.
This fic may make no sense to anyone but me, but I had to write it. My heart was aching too much for me to ignore it.
Love,
yui
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
12:28 AM