fandom - Yami no matsuei
title - Dear One.
rating - pg
pairing - tatsumi + tsuzuki
description – Without spoken words, Tsuzuki and Tatsumi part.
disclaimer – Yami no Matsuei isn't mine. Dear One.
by miyamoto yui
I reject your kiss.
Instead of taking my lips, it touches my cheek.
As you pull away from me, your rumpled, half-buttoned shirt hangs unbalanced on your body. You're pulling your hands away from my white collar, fixing my tie quietly with that embarrassed grin you give when you're more disappointed than you can bear.
I can't stand it…
I watch you as you close your eyes to smile even wider, your hands lingering on my tie when you pull on the end for a second longer. Opening your eyes, I look up when you stand up as I mentally reach out to you while I sit on the edge of the bed.
I won't let myself catch you anymore. I don't have the right to.
You've got to go…You have to leave NOW…
Your tears escape as you step back while running your fingers through your hair. You take a deep breath. Can't you even make a joke to break the tension?
No, you can't. The burden I've given is too much to lift for even you to carry on with your supposedly carefree attitude.
You bend down to pick up your long, dark trenchcoat crumpled on the floor. I know you're trying to erase the bits of yourself left on our way here…
But you don't know that I'm not the least bit ashamed for us…
There's nothing that I can say to stop what's happening. How do I explain myself? My precise manner in speaking is useless against bright and direct, openly sincere gestures that don't need worthless explanations from his lips.
This is the way it is. I'm too overcome with guilt. I want to say I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough.
Relentlessly, you search around for something you've forgotten. I don't dare get off the bed, my hands integrating with the sheets until I feel myself gripping them with all my life on the line. I know I am.
Frantically, you rummage through the hotel room.
Passing by the open sliding door with the flying curtains and right in front of me, you go into the bathroom. The door creaks with your light touch against it.
My words are truly stuck inside my throat. And I don't know what it means to cry. Long ago, I made myself learn how to and now, I've somewhat forgotten why.
As I'm about to let go of the sheets, you bend down before me. You lean down and put my glasses on my face. Carefully, you place the frames on my nose with your fingers lightly grazing against my scalp when you touch my ears.
All I can do is clasp onto your hands when they're over my ears. I close my eyes and bring your clean hands to my lips.
Your compassion always kills me. Don't you know that?
I open my eyes to find you pulling away while shaking your head with that sorrowful smile. The tears I can't cry are coming out of your eyes for the both of us. You turn around to leave me watching after you.
With every step, you're pulling the parts of your disjointed soul again inside of you. It's being pulled back into the darkness, not letting one drop touch the light.
I can no longer reach you. I've shut my heart to you while you've given everything of yours, wanting to hope that I'd eventually give you mine.
I've disappointed you.
Even more so, I hate myself more for existing as I do: Business without emotions.
I'm too scared to invest myself emotionally because I forcefully swallow her memories. And all you know is how to give because you don't want someone to feel the torture you felt for being ostracized.
But all I've done is do it again to you.
I'm so sorry…
So before we fall more into one another, we have to stop to realize that 'partners' really means to do everything but give ourselves to one another. We trust, but imperfectly.
A broken love from the beginning…
You don't need someone like me.
As you pass the dining table, you take up the fork to your lips to taste the half eaten chocolate mousse cake. Your wrist taps on the Styrofoam cup filled with cold coffee. It spills all over the table and drips onto the floor.
You don't look at me as you drop the fork carelessly onto the floor.
Tap – smash.
It crashes inside of my mind.
Click.
When you close the door, I want to hurt myself. Badly.
The power I've obtained fails me once more.
I won't take hold of your shadows because they're becoming mixed. There are too many between us until we can't distinguish what secrets we're hiding from one another. They've become permanent fixtures decorating our chests like eclectic, poignant, detailed curses disguised in invisible, striking pictures.
What's worse is that we won't forget even when we smile at one another when we see each other again. We've made another shadow, sculpting it inside of each other's hidden wounds with our very own hands.
I'm sorry. I can't manipulate everything, Tsuzuki.
No matter how much I try, I can't heal the shadows in our hearts.
Since my eyes can't cry, I break down everywhere else…
I touch my heart as I lean forward when it painfully collapses inside of itself.
Your warmth lingers here. It is being absorbed by my cold body, your love being drunk mercilessly into all my pores.
Inside my mind, I cringe as your sharp amethyst eyes stab into me. More than anything, I want it to be me, but I'm wishing for too much…
So before you come closer while giving all of yourself as you always do…
before we melt into one….
I've got to rip myself away from you mercilessly.
I can't make you human when you're already one.
More than me, Dear One.
Owari.
-
author's note – I don't know why, but this suddenly came into my mind. I was aiming for a feel that I can't express because I'm currently confused by many things. I wanted to describe the atmosphere while challenging myself to not do a dialogue. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to this, but it was a goal to myself to be a little ambiguous since I'm a straightforward person.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
3:25:31 AM