fandom - Honey and Clover
title - reshape
pairing - morita + mayama
rating - pg
description – Morita tries to cheer up Mayama the only way he knows how: persistently.
Disclaimer – Honey and Clover isn't mine. reshape.
By miyamoto yui
Whenever that phone goes off, my heart vibrates in the most excruciating way.
He's barely stepped into the apartment, and he immediately turns around to go outside. I don't know if he does it consciously, but I could tell that he did it because of me. Even if it's his own apartment, he tries to be considerate to someone who pushes into his personal space. I don't know if he does it because he's always thinking of other people when he appears so selfish or if it's because he doesn't want me to hear the uncomfortable conversation.
I don't strain my ears. I pull the blanket over my head and cover my ears so that I won't find myself eavesdropping. I close my eyes really tight and force myself to curve my lips upward.
After he's done talking on the phone, when he comes in, I can't stand the frown.
I need him to smile.
The more he does, the more I will hurt myself in the process…
Right now, I wish I was working in some place far away from here. I don't want to face it just yet. I'm not ready yet because I'm stupid like that. That's why I'm still in school, pretending to do things at my pace when, actually, all I do is prolong the inevitable while the confusion makes a pressure chamber inside of my head.
He used to be like that, but he's growing up. He's becoming different from me even if we're almost the same age.
This apartment is my only connection to him.
If you go, we'll be too apart. I'll have to face our differences. Maybe I should leave before you think about such a thing…
Click.
The chilly wind goes throughout the apartment and it passes through my thin blanket. I hear the door close and it's locked. But when he sits down on the floor to take off his shoes, I turn over and pull off some of the covers. I watch his back and he's barely taken off one of his shoes.
The darkness pushes through and the air becomes colder when my eyes squint.
Tink.
He puts his glasses to one side and puts his hands over his face.
He's shaking. This is the way he cries when he can't count on himself and life proves to be more trying that he's capable of that moment.
I've seen it many times even though he thinks I've slept through everything. The way he arches his back and his whole body sends quivers into the wooden floor straight into my body. It shoots directly into my heart like an arrow in archery, the painted target melting like blood.
Then, he takes a deep breath as he lifts his head to look at the ceiling. He runs his fingers through his hair, washing it with his own salty tears. Leaning backwards, his back touches the floor as he watches the ceiling with the tears falling down the sides.
I want to break the blindness spell he has put upon himself.
I want to tear my eyes; it's the same spell I have on myself.
Suddenly, taking off the blanket, I quickly crawl over until he sees my head over his as I kneel in front of his head.
"Hey!" He screams in surprise while trying to wipe his sleeves over his wet eyes.
I pin his wrists on the floor and look at him. I smile down at him.
"No need to be shy with me, Mayama-san," I loudly say while trying to rack my brain for a joke to say, or a gift I can make to make him happy again. "Care for candy?"
I act like I've got everything and that I'm so carefree. I get along with everyone, cheering them up and encouraging them in my own way.
I'm always serious, though. I concentrate on a piece or a person, but I'm afraid of completing it, not sure if it'll truly be mine since I've given so much into it. I become empty, filling the spaces with noise I self-produce.
It becomes harder to satisfy my silly, extreme cravings.
Being so open in action, but so closed in heart to the person I care for the most rips me apart to the seams of my soul. It's making me crazy.
We look at each other and the tension squeezes me dry. "Tell me what you want to drink. I'll run to get you coffee? Isn't that what you need? But you'll need to go to work soon-"
"Get off of me," he threatens gently. "Please. I want to be alone."
Once again, I don't get him even if I know everything about him.
"I don't know want to leave you alone." I cling on tighter like the brat I am. I whine while moving my body from side to side. "I don't like it when people frown in front of me."
Especially you.
"I'm just simple minded like that." I close my eyes so that I'll stop looking deeply into his. My grin becomes wider.
I'm still trying to be calm. I don't want to break down. That's why I'm a sculptor: I'm able to be composed enough to create something without shivering or shaking to ruin my creation with the slightest motion.
"Morita-san, please let me deal with this the way I want to."
My smile disappears. "The way you've been doing it has been killing you. It's been killing me too."
I lean forward to kiss his forehead.
"I'm just a little more honest than you are." I laugh as I turn my face away with my bangs over my face while letting go of his wrists. "I guess there's no helping it, but I'll be back with something!"
But as I pull away, he catches me arms and I fall forward with my eyes opening.
My tears fall onto his neck as I stare into his loosened tie.
While he kisses me upside down in the darkness, I don't know what he's doing. Is it so that he's being compassionate towards me or is it to comfort himself?
I've always known, there is no room for me.
I close my eyes and feel his lips while tasting the mix of alcohol and coffee on his lips.
When I finally pull away, we stare at each other as I sit up.
"Can I sleep here?" he selfishly asks as he puts his head into my lap. I reach over and tug on my blanket to put it over him. "That's…that's what I really want right now."
"Your lap is really warm," he comments.
I look down at him as he closes his sleepy eyes. "I hate it when people see me when I'm vulnerable, but you're the only one that I don't mind. I don't mind you seeing it even when I tell you to go away."
While sighing, he smiles with his eyes completely shut. "I'm glad you don't ever listen to anybody or take things by face value, especially to what I don't mean."
I close my eyes and lean forward while holding his head in between my hands.
He mumbles, "You always make my life interesting by bugging me. I fear the day you won't come home…
To me…Zzz"
That I won't find you here…
This is what we both can't say, huh?
I hug him with everything else I can't say and more, as my hands are used to doing for me. It's me who's shaking as my smile stays on my face for a long time.
That's all I've ever wanted to hear you say to me.
The next day, I wake him up by screaming, "Ohaiyou gozaimasu!"
He's surprised that I'm awake as he blinks at me while complaining, "My head hurts! Don't shout at me, baka!"
I laugh as I throw him off my lap while going back to bed. "Now I can sleep. If you see my professor, tell him I'll be gone for a few days."
He gets up and as I drift off to sleep, he's bustling around the room as he usually does.
Before he leaves, I feel his tie on my chest. He whispers into my ear, "Thank you."
When he's pulling away, I immediately open my eyes to pull on his tie and kiss him.
"Morita-san!" He shouts as he gets up red-faced, fixing his tie. "I'm leaving now."
"I'm going to wear your favorite shirt and boxers today! Bye~!"
He takes up his bag and opens the door. His feign grumpy voice says, "Do whatever you want."
When he turns his head to catch a glance of me with a chuckle in his eyes, I brightly smile.
"I will~!" I answer energetically while snuggling into his bed.
Click.
I know you'll still have Moon River as your ringtone and it'll still leave a fresh set of painful cuts everytime I hear it ring. I don't know if I'll ever be able to push my way inside of you because I'm scared, but I won't give up so easily. Someday, she'll only have a song and I'll have everything else.
Hiding under the covers and my professor who's sure to come knocking on my door, I smirk happily as I fall asleep.
"I think I'll work on my project today…
Well, after I wake up."
I'll cling on and won't let you go, Mayama-san.
Since I can't cut or add, I'll just reshape what's already there.
It's what I do best.
Owari.
-
Author's note – Honey and Clover's an amusing show, but it brought back a lot of memories and reminded me of some people.
Monday, July 11, 2005
2:07:24 AM