fandom - Tokyo Babylon/X
title - everything, but myself
rating - pg
pairing - Seishirou + Subaru
description – The seams of the three's fragile relationship begin to be ripped apart by the same thing that keeps them together: love.
Disclaimer – Tokyo Babylon/X doesn't belong to Yui, but Kitahara and Maiko do.
everything, but myself.
By miyamoto yui
He stirs the coffee while holding a newspaper in his hand.
Sipping a little, the mundane progress of life is always inviting for someone like him. For a moment, there is no one to save. There is nothing extraordinary to perform or expectations to live up to in a perfect moment of solitude.
The eggs fry and sizzle in the oil as she bobs her head with the beat that no one seems to know 'cause she's too trendy. Her brother watches her, fascinated, tapping his fingers on the table.
The man with the newspaper puts the article down to steal a glance and a wink that's received with a blush by the sixteen-year-old boy. He tugs on his hat, but his eyes can't seem to tear away from the captivating gaze that forces him to stare deeper every second. His face becomes redder and he can feel the capillaries in his cheeks release more blood.
The man chuckles at the boy who squirms in his seat, his tight clothes becoming even tighter.
Across the table, devilishly, he moves his mouth to voicelessly say, "I love you, Subaru-kun."
The boy's ears are instantly crimson as his eyes stare wide-eyed into his lap. He clenches his fists and the leather gloves are burning and cutting off his circulation too.
His sister comes around to play with his ears while giggling and kissing the top of his head. He laughs despite himself because he's so ticklish. It makes her heart flutter and she starts to sing the words of the song she's been mumbling. When she lets go, she pats the veterinarian with the spotless lab coat on the head while smirking.
The sister goes back to cooking. When she does, she glimpses back at them as they're looking at one another. Turning her back towards them, she looks down at the food and frowns for a second.
The boy brings out a planner to make sure he knows his own schedule, his life marked in little boxes filled with scribbles. He wants to make notes about his feelings, but there's never any time to do anything but what his abilities decree under his family name. He gets up and excuses himself for just a moment.
He closes the kitchen door as the sister and the vet watch each other carefully. There is an affection that borders among competition, subtle threats, and challenging fondness over one another.
They talk about what's to happen today, but they don't mention the fears that want to break their shaky bond. They both know it is destined to come and yet they both grin while their eyes wander towards the closed the door.
She turns off the stove and insists on sitting on his lap. Quietly, he continues to read the morning paper while she closes her eyes to think just a little more before calling her little brother.
Do we go or do we leave him alone?
For someone who opens his heart, he still hides many things out of consideration and the honesty he can't hold within.
When the boy crosses his room, pushes the curtains away, and opens the sliding balcony door, he puts his hand on his forehead in a salute to block the bright sunlight shining into his face. He breathes in the crisp air while holding onto the railings. His fingers grip onto the bars, but he can't feel it because of the gloves.
The gloves are always in the way.
He wants to tear them away.
He tried once, but his hands started to bleed from the inside. It was as if he purposely attached a barrier that would protect him and hurt anyone that wanted to come to know him. Using it as an excuse, he began to believe his own words.
Giving everything, you become lost and defocused.
Too busy in attending to the world because of these hands, he sometimes forgets to eat. He has to break dates with the only person who's patient enough to wait six hours in the rain. And he can't hug him because he doesn't know how to show that he cares, afraid of giving his heart to someone he knows practically nothing about. He tells her everyday that he's fine so that she'll always touch him warmly with those magic hands that can give off love in a single gesture.
Pushing you away, I do it unconsciously.
But I know that somewhere deep inside, I'm doing it on purpose. In trying to protect what I love, I've been caught up in what to give you.
Everything but myself.
He squats to the ground while holding onto the railing. He's so confused that he can be this way in a public setting for everyone to see, but he won't let those two most precious to him see his torture. Even they know, he won't let them experience it with their eyes. He feels like a liar because he won't let them fully know of the existence of these inexpressible feelings that make his chest so tight he can't breathe.
It's love. That's what this is.
/"I'm sorry to bother you, Sumeragi-kun, but can I talk to you?" an upperclassman said to him as soon as she entered his classroom during lunchtime.
They're not too close, but they're used to seeing each other both inside and outside of school. By chance, they always seemed to meet whenever he was running from job to job and she was running from one set of people to another.
As he ate the lunch that Hokuto made for him, a bentou filled with the cutest vegetable animals and grilled unagi, the upperclassman watched the building across them and into the open classroom where the karaoke club meeting was being held that day.
"Remember Maiko? The girl who used to go with me everywhere?"
"Your best friend, Umeka-san?" Subaru nodded while eating with his chopsticks touching his lips. "Yes, I remember her clearly. She sang all the time."
The girl took off her school jacket and dropped it to the ground. She pointed her head towards the cloudy sky. "Have you heard any of the rumors?"
He stopped eating. "Rumors?"
"I know this has nothing to do with you, but I wanted to tell you because even though we rarely talk like this, you are important to me." She sighed as she shook her head while still trying to focus on the clouds slowly passing by, making images in her mind. She was trying to put names to things she couldn't really describe. "Even if it's just you, I want you to believe I'm still the person you know."
"I don't understand, Kitahara-san."
"You don't have to, Sumeragi-kun."
Then, she started to say that Maiko had told someone that she was concerned about Kitahara, saying that she saw her running around with many kinds of people. Ultimately, she slipped that Kitahara was a girl that slept with many people for money, a prostitute with a friendly face and a soft-spoken voice.
Why did this Maiko say this? Maiko was jealous, but for reasons she couldn't understand. Was it because of the boy that insisted on being by Kitahara's side, despite everything, and only thought of Maiko as a friend? Was it because Kitahara shouted at Maiko for her to pick up her life instead of dwelling on her weaknesses, wanting everyone to do everything for her?
Was it because Maiko truly hated her since the beginning? She didn't know and she couldn't ask as Maiko pretended to still hug her in front of everyone. Everyone thought she picked on Maiko because she had such a strong personality.
Kitahara was mad at herself for wasting her time, money, and effort on someone that made her see the ugliness of her personality. She was upset that her 'friend' pretended to act as if she had done nothing wrong.
"I don't know what to do and I'm so confused," she said while burying her head into her hands. "Where did I go wrong?"
Subaru got up to hug her tightly and patted her back softly.
"The worst part is that I did sleep with all those people for money, but no one knows that I was the only one in my family who could make money because of all these things that happened. I didn't want my brothers and sisters to stop school and I couldn't watch my parents fight all the time." She sighed as she held onto Subaru's shirt while sobbing more. "Why can't people see how lucky they are?"
"Thank you for telling me…for trusting me with your story." Then, he looked up to the sky and cried deep inside at the sky that began to clear up above them. He didn't know exactly what else to say. But when he did, he said:
"It's natural for people to never know themselves. They can only see themselves through the people around them, but there are some that don't want to give the effort for what they really want. They give up easily, becoming bitter because it'll never be theirs. They forget that the people who have smiled at their accomplishments have been smashed in so many ways that even they don't recognize themselves. But they still live on because they want something better not for themselves, but for the people around them.
It's more than egocentricity or laziness. These people want pity because they feel that the world owes them something.
You aren't like that and she couldn't stand to see you so far away from her.
While you kept on looking up, she was crawling on the ground."
She sighed as she gently pushed herself away. "Thank you. I really needed to hear that."
Then, she looked at the students down below and at the karaoke room. "The worst of this is that I'm mad at myself for still caring about someone like that."
"There are some things you'll hold onto no matter how painful they are. In some way, you've defined your existence that way. But don't let it eat your heart away."/
The boy cries as he sobs quietly with the tears falling like tender rain within the morning dew upon leaves. Holding onto the railing, he's shaking.
Right before him, he saw the splatter of blood. In front of the school, a sports car was going a bit too fast and spun out of control. Kitahara pushed Maiko out of the way.
He knows the reasons. He knows it isn't his fault. He's seen so many people die before in what he does, but why does it hurt so much?
Her lips mumbled "I love you" before she died.
Why can you be honest? Why can you cry while I won't allow myself to?
Before he knows it, there are two arms that pick him up. He shakes his head and says to let go. "Let go," he whispers, not wanting to make a scene for his sister to worry outside as the man carries him protectively. His bangs are over his eyes.
Your heart is so clouded though you tell me things aloud.
What is truth?
Do we say it, do we act it, or do we hold back?
"Seishirou-san?" he asks with his eyes as the man throws him on the bed and kisses him, unable to hold back when he holds his wrists down.
Subaru's eyes become subdued even though his face turns crimson again from the heat of these lips. He wants to run away as the tears fall down.
He doesn't know how to feel.
Seishirou is confused as to why his shut off feelings are contradicting his body in reaction to this boy's sad face. He just likes to torture him, right? He makes life interesting, isn't that right? He's just reacting to what's in front of him, correct?
That's all this is.
Kissing him deeper, the boy's soul is going in different directions. His heart wants to burst while his mind is scolding his body.
When he pulls away, they look at one another.
"It isn't your fault," the man says while releasing the grip on the boy's wrists and pressing his own hands onto Subaru's fluffy comforter.
Subaru shakes his head, not knowing what to say or do anymore.
But he reaches out with his fingers touching the rims of the man's glasses. Tenderly, he takes them away and puts them to one side. For the first time since they've known each other, he looks at him directly, analyzing these eyes thoroughly.
Losing his mind, he's falling deeper into this person.
They can't look away and they don't want to kiss, solidifying what they know shouldn't happen.
As they gaze at one another in a standstill that kills without blood, she's outside sitting against the kitchen door. Her back's against the kitchen door and the water's overboiling as the silent tears slip through the crevices of her fingers. She shakes because she doesn't know how to truly be strong for her brother when she knows that she's really weak. She hugs herself knowing that she was really scared of coming to face the reality that it wasn't her who could comfort him any longer.
The same thing is running through their heads:
Someday, I'll have to let go of you.
But is it all right for me to pray for that day to never come?
*/*/*/*
Nine years later, as Seishirou finally closes his eyes, Subaru reaches out to touch Seishirou's cheek. Then, he holds his head closely to his chest so that no one can see his beloved so vulnerable.
He now understands what he had told him years ago:
"Beauty eats you, at your expense. At that moment, destruction is gorgeous. It makes you wonder if it's what you really, truly feel at that moment or is it because your mind makes you believe what your heart wishes for?
Breaking down slowly, we become free of the world's expectations and are imprisoned by our deep desire to get what we want, believing it's a 'need'.
Humans tend to mistake that for love, don't they?"
Owari.
author's note – I know that this is slow, but I wanted something that mixed many things because I've not written for TB in a long time. I truly miss my TB and I'm always amazed as, these days, there are readers that tell me, "I used to read your old TB fics". It warms my heart and I think, "Can I contribute more to this wonderful fandom with the best fans in the world? They don't fret, but debate with heartfelt arguments."
I read my old stuff, but I still wonder if I can ever reach the prettiness of its art and touch you with my words. Will it ever be enough? Because of these expectations, it's become truly hard to write for TB.
Thank you Rei-chan for beta-ing as always!
Love,
Yui
Monday, July 18, 2005
12:56:06 AM