I hope you'll like it :)
I have never been the type to dwell on love issues. I remember telling Lexie that it was stupid to believe that you only had one soulmate. I made it seem like I didn't care about love, that it wasn't something I was searching for. Because I'm not. It is stupid to search for love. When you're ready your love will find you. Those who go around looking for love rarely find it by searching. Do you know why? Because love doesn't work that way. You can't just say that you'll fall in love with someone if they match all the criterias on some list. Some time ago I said that if I fell in love with a woman she had to be wild and confident.
And what do I do only a couple of months later? I fall in love with a girl, who's neither wild nor confident, but the total opposite. The checklists don't work. It would've been very easy to go around with a list, searching for the perfect girl, and when you find a girl who matches all the criterias on the list you could just decide to fall in love. Right then and there.
Love catches you off guard. You don't decide who you fall in love with, I certainly didn't. It just happened, and now it's eating me alive.
I fell in love with my best friend, with the one I never expected to feel anything but friendship towards. And now she's all I think about, all I dream of. The nightmares are gone, replaced by her. At first I thought it was just a silly little crush, like the one I had on Lexie, but it turns out it's much more serious than that. Three months have passed, and still I feel my heart pound when I see her in the morning. And it just kills me that she's so fucking perfect. So nice, so helpful, so considerate, so beautiful... How do you fall out of love with a girl like that?
I remember clearly the day I realized my feelings for her:
"Jackson," Lexie said as we were sitting at the table in Meredith's kitchen "I am going back to the hospital to assist Bailey. I''m gonna be very late."
"Alright, do you want me to wait up?" I asked, hoping she would say no, as I had been planning on crashing early tonight. Six hours in surgery with Mark Sloan had made me exhausted beyond words.
"No, that's fine, I'm gonna be pretty late, so I'll just see you in the morning, then." she said. Then she gave me a peck on the lips before she headed for the door.
I sighed. This had become a routine in our relationship. She would be working late, and that way we didn't get to spend any time together. The weird thing was that it didn't bother me. Bad sign, huh? Maybe I had wanted her before, but my feelings for Lexie Grey were quickly fading. Also, there was no secret that her true love was, and always would be, Mark Sloan. Many times I had tried to feel jealous about the way she felt about him, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I didn't care enough. Don't get me wrong, Lexie's an amazing girl, but I just didn't feel that way about her. Something was lacking, which is funny considering the fact that she's almost a walking checklist.
"Jackson?" April's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, April."
"Where's Lexie?" she asked, sitting down at the table with me.
"She had to work." I said with a shrug.
"Oh, I see." she breathed. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
"You and Lexie, of course." she laughed. "I don't mean to be nosy, but I have noticed that you're never together anymore..."
I interrupted her "Nothing's wrong, honest."
"I know you Jackson." she said with a small smile. "If everything's fine, why are you looking so glum?"
I sighed. "Ok, then. Can I ask you a question?" She nodded. "Do you think my relationship with Lexie is a mistake?"
"No, of course not. Why are you asking?"
"No reason.." I muttered.
April smiled at me, concern in her eyes. "Ok, you're obviously feeling a bit down. And if you don't wanna talk about it I've got a way to at least take your mind of it. I have bought your favorite snacks and rented 'The Silence of the Lambs', it's still your favorite movie, right?"
"Yeah, how did you know that?" I said, suprised.
"You said so last year."
"And you remembered? You're really something, April."
"So, you wanna see the movie with me?" she said, mockingly batting her eyelashes.
"How could I say no to that?" I chuckled and embraced her in a hug, forgetting all about crashing early.
Suddenly I got a fluttering sensation in my stomach when she hugged me back, and my cheeks grew hot. What was that? All I knew was that I didn't feel like leaving this position. I had this amazing girl in my arms. A girl who went out of her way to make sure I was happy. Had I been blind all this time? No, it couldn't be... no I couldn't be falling in love wih my best friend. But I recognized the feeling so well - the feeling of being complete and happy. A feeling I never had with Lexie. Could I really be falling in love with April Kepner?
So here I am, three months later, still completely in love with her. I'm still in a relationship with Lexie, but we're both throwing longing glances after other people. Does Lexie know about my feelings for April? I'm not sure. Lately I have felt that she notices when I look at April, but she never seems jealous. Just sad. Maybe because she realizes that we're in the same situation. Still, we never speak a word of it.
Many of you are of course wondering why I'm still with Lexie. The answer is simple and cynical: because she'll have me. Being in a relationship is comforting to me, because even though I don't love Lexie, I get the feeling of being needed, even if she only needs me to move on from her true love. Love isn't fair. If love was fair Lexie would be with Mark and I would be with April. Love is cruel. Is it fair on Lexie that once again there is a child seperating her from her boyfriend or that I should fall in love with someone who I'm pretty sure will never feel the same way about me. No, it isn't fair!
I don't know where this is going, or how everything will turn out in the end. But I do know one thing; that I don't like where this is going. Not one bit.