The Adventures of Theta 583, the Sarcastic Clone
Chapter 1- Geonosis
The first day as a member of the 501st… it was lame. Not at all like the simulations in Pandemic's studio. Of course that was the way it was for all of us. The hours of simulations and training don't really prepare you, do they? All that AI scripting, all those fake explosions… frankly I'm amazed we made it through the first hour, never mind the first day.
"Your training days are over trooper. This is a real battle, and if you mess up you'll really end up in a world of pain. Now get out there!"
Theta 583 rolled his eyes underneath his helmet. "Oh, that's very reassuring, thanks so much. I have a feeling this is going to be a long day."
The comm buzzed again. "Some activity has been reported in the vicinity of checkpoint alpha. Go check it out trooper."
"'Go check it out trooper'… 'Go shoot this trooper'… 'Go jump off a cliff trooper'", the clone muttered as he walked toward the yellow arrow pointing to a bunch of rocks. "Hmm… you'd think for a checkpoint alpha it would be more prominent. I mean, it is checkpoint alpha after all." Again he rolled his eyes.
Cursing his selection of Corellian bean omelets for breakfast, he stopped at the dancing arrow.
"Droid scouts! Take them out before they report back to their forces!"
"Wha...? What droid scouts?"… a bolt zoomed by his ear… "Oh, those droid scouts. The ones that just spawned out of nowhere."
He proceeded to kill the machines. "Stupid developers... I hate beans." He swallowed a clone trooper anti-rage capsule.
As he scrapped the last of them he noticed a sparking and abandoned wheelie-o-droid by a conveniently placed downed techno union ship. "Sweet."
"Now soldier, take out that damaged tank droid."
"What? Hell no, I can use that to take out other droids!"
"JUST DO THIS FOR ME, OKAY?"
"Whoa! Eat your anti-rage capsules, dude. Don't you know if you don't eat your anti-rage capsules a droid will lay eggs in your colon? Alright, alright."
The wheelie-o-droid exploded pathetically, and the sergeant spoke again.
"Good job, but the CIS is headed this way. Capture the downed techno union ship; it'll give our troops a foothold on the field."
Curiously wondering why they can't just land in LAAT transports, 583 ran to the cover of the ship, shooting the occasional droid that appeared right out of thin air and capturing the glowing white beam thingy. "This thing sure is taking it's sweet time."
The CP changed from white to blue. Theta 583 flinched and resigned himself to the worst as he heard his comm system activate. "Our troops need health and ammo. Go to the techno union ship, and switch to the engineer class." "Repairing stupid droids? I'm better than that." He shook his head. "Ummm… how?"
"Press Y."
"Oh."
Mysteriously after he selected the engineer from the pop-up menu his appearance and weapons changed instantaneously. Muttering something about "impossibilities", 583 ran to the droids while caught in the crossfire of clones and droids. He caught a glance of a trooper who appeared to be humping a rock but was to busy to worry about it.
"A Geonosian got killed, and dropped a holocron on top of the techno union ship. Get to the CP, and switch to the jet trooper class to get up there and acquire that holocron."
"Finally something cool! Jet packs, nice." After instantaneously changing uniforms again, he activated his jets, which promptly malfunctioned and sent him flying into the air, balloon-like and flying every which way, crashing into a Geonosian (the two halves of which fell twitching to the ground), and then landing him right on top of the downed ship. "Huh. That was lucky." He grabbed the holocron (which was all transparent and glowy) and leapt off the ship, intending to activate the jets again. They didn't work.
"Hey, wtf is this? My jets don't work now", 583 queried as he hit the ground. The Sergeant replied, "You can't use your jets while carrying objects."
"What? Why? What's the point of that?" "I don't know, ask Mace Windu when he gets here." "Mace? What would he know?" "Nothing. Now go capture that cliff bunker."
Theta 583 looked at the cliff, and then at the long, long walk he had to take to get there. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me."
Wheezing like a fat kid, 583 reached the top of the cliff, only to be confronted by dozens of assault droids. "Screw this, I'm out of here." He ran back down the cliff waving his arms in a cowardly fashion, only to be stopped by two clones running upwards.
"Whoa, where are you going soldier? Don't you know that deserters get worms in their intestines?" the clone on the left said.
"Yeah, well, call me a coward, but I'm satisfied with my life the way it is, thanks."
They looked upward to see droids swarming all over the hill.
"Never heard of grenades, buddy?" the clone on the right asked. He grabbed one off his belt and held it up for 583 to see. "It's just a gentle lob now", the clone said as he took aim. "That's right. A gentle lob, followed by a violent explosion."
The three of them took cover as droid parts went flying, and a battle droid head skittered to a halt at their feet, spewing error messages. 583 looked at the space where the droids used to be.
"Pwned."
"Now let's go capture that CP", one of the clones said. "I'm Beta 042, by the way."
"And I'm Beta 112. We're twins", 112 said, looking at 042. "Always nice to meet a fellow clone."
"Sweet, I'm Theta 583."
They walked up the hill and entered the dark bunker. The CP changed and 043 and 112, for no apparent reason, ran off.
"What the..." 583 muttered. "Hey, get back here! Don't make me press up on the D-pad! You're going to make me do it aren't you? Don't you dare wander into that enemy base!That's it, I'm going to press it! 'Follow me'", he said as he pressed the button. The other two turned and indeed followed him.
"Sorry about that" 042 said. "Our programming... sheesh." He shook his head. "Let's go."
Suddenly the Sergeant's voice crackled through on the comm again. "Our troops need snipers to help thin out the droid ranks. Grab a sniper rifle, and get shooting."
583 sighed as he raised the sight of his sniper rifle. "You know, you two could help out as well."
042 and 112 looked at each other. "Err... sorry man, union rules. If we helped you, well, then, the very fabric of the universe would be torn apart. We cannot exceed the sum of our programming."
"Ah. Well. Okay." 583 replied as he turned his head back to the task. He shot... and shot... until finally a battle droid's head exploded below. "Well, that was... easy, how many more to go?"
"Dude, look at the screen" 112 said. Written on the screen in tiny letters was something like "Two droids to go".
"Aww, man" 583 complained. "And I thought getting one was hard."
Two droids and 33 shots later, the Sergeant's voice came again. "Those spider walkers are tearing our troops apart! Switch to the heavy trooper class, and give them a taste of some heavy fire!"
583 turned to the others. "Dudes... which ones are the spider walkers?"
The Beta twins walked to the edge and peered down. "I think they're the ones with the four legs and laser beam-thingy."
"No, spiders have eight legs; it's that giant walker down to the left."
"That one only has six legs."
"No, it has eight, let's see..." He pointed his finger and started counting off legs. "One, two, three... four... there's five, where's six? There it is, now where the heck are seven and eight?"
"I told you", Beta 112 said, "It only has six legs."
"Hey, you're right... meh, it's still closest to eight, shoot at that one."
"Are you sure, guys?", 583 asked. "If that's an enemy walker, why are all our guys clustered around it and not shooting at it?"
"No, I'm sure it's one of theirs", 042 said. "Our guys are probably just waiting for the right moment to attack."
"I don't know about that, man." 112 piped up.
"Dude, I have been at this way longer than you" 042 scoffed. "It's that one."
"But we were created five minutes apart!"
"Look, let's not go there. It's you're call," Beta 042 said to Theta 583. "But don't blame me when you get executed for treason for firing at the wrong targets."
"Okay, okay, alright, alright. Sheesh. I'll fire at that one then."
He switched to a fat-ass heavy trooper and began launching powerful missiles at the six-legged walker.
"Uh, guys, why am I hearing screams from our guys down there?" 583 asked the Beta twins.
042 replied. "That's the droids trying to trick you, keep firing."
583 shook his head in uneasiness but kept firing all the same.
All of a sudden there was a huge explosion from down on the battle field and the Sergeant yelled, "We've lost the AT-TE!"
583 was silent. "Uh-oh..."
"Hey! You three!" An authoritative clone commander ran up to meet them. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Ahhh... it was him." 112 pointed to 583.
"I don't care, I'm going to have to execute all of you for treason." He raised his huge-ass gun.
The others yelled, and ran away screaming. Eventually they stopped and caught their breath.
"Whew, that was close", 112 coughed.
Theta 583 rounded on 042. "You bastard! You made us commit treason and destroy our own vehicles, and on top of that, we are now in the middle of the Geonosian wastes, being hunted by both sides! What a great fucking day!"
"Err... well..." 042 stuttered. "Who's the greater fool, the fool, or the fool who follows him?"
"Dude, please, no philosophy." 112 rolled his eyes. "You're the one who's fault this is."
"Fine! I guess I'll just shut up then won't I?" Sarcasm dripped from 042's words.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
583 and 042 turned and faced each other's backs, with 112 left staring, but in about two seconds 583 turned and said "Aww, I can't stay mad at you!"
"I love you too, man. I love you too." They embraced tearfully.
"Ech." 112 shook his head vehemently. "I hate sappy endings."
Next up: Mygeeto!