Chapter 1

…

November 11, 2018

Casey McDonald stared at herself for a long time in the mirror when she woke up that morning. Her last full day of being an engaged woman. Tomorrow…she would be married, and a gold band would sit on top of the diamond and platinum engagement ring.

She sighed, then dressed. Her family was waiting for her downstairs, she knew, everyone plus Michael …but less Derek. Lizzie would be running around, checking last minute details; George and Mike would probably be amiably discussing sports, or maybe George would be giving Michael advice on how to be a husband. Her mother would most likely follow Lizzie and remind her of everything they've forgotten, and Marti would be sitting calmly eating her breakfast while reading whatever latest bestseller she'd brought.

Casey smiled, patted the hair which she'd kept long so that it lay at least a little smoother, and gave herself a last look in the mirror. She loved her family and was so glad that Michael DiMartino meshed so well with them and got along with everyone. Well, so far as she knew, since Michael had never met Derek—

Casey, you idiot! she chastised herself. Tomorrow is your wedding day and all you can think about is Derek?

She quickly made her way downstairs, where the smell of fresh pancakes greeted her. "Mmm, smells good," she murmured, as Michael pulled her into a good-morning kiss. It was a chaste, quick gesture and Nora and George smiled their approval.

"And I used to think you would never get married, Casey," Nora said teasingly, placing a full plate of pancakes in front of her eldest daughter and smiling at her fondly. "You never had any boyfriends through high school and even college—I'm glad you met Mike in law school, at least."

"Mo-om," Casey mock-complained through a mouthful of pancake. Michael laughed good-naturedly and placed his strong large hand on top of Casey's head.

"I'm glad too, Nora," Michael replied. There was a collective, teasing "awwww" from the assembled clan members and Casey looked down, slightly abashed. Michael…Michael was her best friend, and he was so smart and handsome, and Casey just got the feeling that Michael—

Wait…no she didn't. Because the only person who ever really knew and understood Casey…was Derek. But he's not here, Casey reminded herself sadly, and you couldn't ask for a more perfect person than Michael. Except you're not in love with him.

Not that she didn't love him, of course. She cared for him so deeply and so strongly…but she couldn't feel that she was in love with him. She cared for him like … a best friend.

But how could she say no to Michael, when he'd proposed so romantically? And when she knew that he truly loved her and would take care of her? She would have a happy life with him. But there would always be something…missing.

And how, how in the world would she ever have been able to pull off marying Derek Venturi, her stepbrother?

"Darling, are you all right?" Michael asked, the concern evident in his voice, as he placed his hand on her forehead. "I hope you're not sick…you've been spacey lately." He peered at her with a slight line etched between his perfect green eyes.

Casey attempted what she hoped was a reassuring smile but really came out more of a grimace. "Yeah…yeah, I'm fine, just some…just pre-wedding jitters…."

Michael nodded understandingly. "Everything will be wonderful," he told her softly, in his strong tenor voice. Casey knew he could bend that voice to convince judge and jury alike. "Any wedding that makes you my wife would be perfect," he said, looking at her earnestly, his face so close to hers that she could smell his aftershave, his green eyes focused on her as though she were the only person in the world.

He loved her so much. Casey felt her heart break a little every time he talked about them together, about their future life together, or about how much he loved her. Was it unfair to him that she couldn't feel for him that deeply? Was she making a huge mistake?

No, Casey told herself firmly, once Michael had left her. Michael will always take care of me and we will have a wonderful family together and when he promises to hold me until death I know he will.

…

Casey had managed to wrangle a few days off from the large firm she practiced in, to prepare both before and after the wedding. Now, in typical Casey style, she was fretting about every last detail—as she had a perfect right to do—her hair coming down messily out of its high ponytail as she ran her hands through it over and over.

She checked the guest list, confirmed with the caterers, double-checked on the cake, tried on her wedding gown one more time, called the salon to make sure she was scheduled, and in general tried to prevent herself from breaking down completely.

"Casey, relax," Nora said in slight alarm, as she saw Casey's slightly crazed eyes and messy hair. How well Nora remembered that expression from Casey's high school years, her brief visits home from Stanford, and later on from Yale. It was the look that signalled that Casey was teetering the edge between sanity and snapping. And the very last thing that anyone wanted on her wedding day was to be a nervous wreck. "Everything will be fine, I promise."

Casey sighed impatiently. Didn't anyone understand that she'd been working her whole life to be perfect, so why should her wedidng day be any different? "I know, I know, I'm just double-checking some things—"

Nora snorted. "I think 'double-checking' is a lie, it must be the fifteenth time you called the salon…"

"Well, you never know," Casey replied defensively. Her mother arched an eyebrow at her and Casey let out a long breath. "Sorry, Mom," she said, flopping down on the couch next to Nora. She smiled a little sheepishly. "You know how I can get…"

"Yes, I do," Nora said fondly, "but you seem much better."

Casey was about to reply before the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" Casey said, jumping up. The hardwood floor felt cold against her bare feet and her sweatpants exposed the mereset inch of flat stomach and hipbone. She opened the door seconds after the impatient person outside had rung the bell again.

Her gaze travelled up: nice black dress shoes, professional black pants, a checked Ralph Lauren shirt over a broad chest, a strong jaw, hazel eyes, a renegade lock of red-brown hair.

"Hey Case. Long time, no see." A pleasant, smooth voice.

"Why, Derek! What a pleasant surprise!" Nora exclaimed from over Casey's frozen shoulder.

…

"Well, aren't you going to say something?" Nora prompted her daughter, as Casey continued to stare mutely at the stepbrother she hadn't seen in over seven years.

"C-come in," Casey stammered out, stepping back slightly as Derek stepped in, setting down the duffel bag he'd been carrying over his shoulder. He bent to give Nora a hug, even kissing her on the cheek.

"This is certainly a surprise," Nora said frankly, "although I can't say we're not pleased to have you."

Derek smiled. "How could I miss my dear stepsister's wedding?" he said, turning to the young woman in question. He hugged Casey lightly (and didn't kiss her), not holding her close or even exerting any real pressure on her back.

Casey remained mute, as Derek released her and gave his old house an appraising look. "You look great, Nora, and so does this place," he said fondly. "Ah, really brings back old memories, doesn't it, Casey?" he continued pointedly.

"Perhaps if you hadn't been such a stranger these past few years, you would've had more new memories," said Nora in a mock-reprimand, trying to fill the odd, awkward hole left by Casey. "We've missed you , Derek—everyone will be so glad to see you. Are you hungry? Let me go get you something to eat, you must be starving…."

She left, leaving Derek and Casey alone in the living room.

The warm pleasantness of Derek's manner seemed to have left with Nora; Casey swore she could feel the already chilly temperature drop by ten degrees. Not that she wasn't contributing to it.

"What are you doing here, Derek?" she asked in a low voice, somewhere between anger, nervousness, and anxiety.

"Like I said," he replied, looking right at her, "how could I miss my dear stepsister's wedding?"

"What happened to your 'business trip' to Osaka?" Casey demanded, her whisper deciding on anger.

Derek shrugged. "I made someone else go," he said.

Casey and Derek were still staring daggers at each other when Nora came back with a bowl of soup and some crackers. "Well, glad to see you two are back to normal," she remarked, setting the food on the table. "I was getting worried that one or the other of you had taken leave of their senses."

Both the twenty-six year olds were aware that this was supposed to be a joke, but neither could manage more than an unconvincing, weak chuckle. Derek sat down to his soup without another word or look at Casey, who turned to her mother and told her that she had other, more important things to do. Casey stalked off, emotions roiling in her chest.

This was most definitely not according to plan.

…

Casey blushed to remember that it was only this morning that Derek had intruded into her thoughts…only a few short hours ago that she was missing him with an ache so sharp she felt as though her heart were being torn to ribbons. Just a few hours ago that she had been wishing for him, imagining how he must look like now.

And he had come, answering the most secret wish of her soul, and yet their reunion was arctic.

…

Why had he even come back, in the first place? "I've been busy…" Well, so had Casey, but she had managed to make it home for a few holidays a year.

Derek the slacker for the first seventeen years of his life had entered university at the age of eighteen with no expectations, even of graduating. And yet to the surprise of everyone (except maybe himself and Casey) he threw himself into his studies. He took courses over the summer, volunteered to stay on campus, played hockey for his uni team. When he graduated first in his major everyone he knew had been shocked.

Derek hadn't been insulted, exactly; everyone had always expected him, the 'cool one,' to not be very bright or diligent or dedicated to his schoolwork. Casey, on the other hand, was the 'smart one,' and didn't everybody just love her? But Derek had shown them all—his friends, his family, his teachers—that he could do it.

But of course Casey had to go and show him up. Going to one of the most presitigious schools in the States! Graduating at the top of her class with honors! Accepted into every top law school in the US—and attending one! Derek had occasionally called home during his undergraduate years, and George and Nora had been proud of him when he went to York University, the best business school in Canada—but how could that compare to Casey at Yale?

He had been home only twice in the past ten years.

…

There was an awkward family dinner later that evening—awkard for Casey and Derek, at least. Everybody else was overjoyed to see Derek. He was surprised at how much everyone had grown. Marti was now seventeen, tall and slender. Edwin's hair was still dark and curly although it rested on a head now quite a few feet farther from the ground. Lizzie bore a strong resemblance to Casey now, although Nora still figured prominently into her facial features.

"You should've called," George remarked over a simple dinner. Potato was speared onto his fork. "Although I must say you look terrific, son."

"Yeah, Smerek!" Marti agreed. The old nickname brought a slight smile to Derek's face…although it also brought up memories that were better buried.

"You never come home," Edwin complained, scrutinizing his older brother.

"I've been busy, little bro," said Derek. And he had been busy.

Busy trying to avoid coming back home, that is.

"So, um, how's Alberta?" Nora asked politely, once more filling the gap.

Derek looked up and smiled. To one who might know him better than Nora it was a smile that was icy and civil at the same time, although Nora and almost everyone else only saw that it was civil. "Terrific." He cut a small piece off his chicken and brought it to his mouth using his left hand. Casey noticed the polite bite, the proper table manners, and the complete casualness with which he did so.

"Not as great as Ontario, though, I'm sure," said George.

"That's a not-so-obvious hint for you to come back here more often," Lizzie explained.

"Casey, you've been awfully quiet," Nora commented. The abrupt change in topic caused Casey to look up from the plate off which she'd barely eaten and everyone else to look at her sharply.

She managed a weak smile. "Just…just nervous for the wedding, I guess," she replied, dropping her eyes back to her plate. She placed her fork carefully across her untouched food. "I think I'm heading upstairs now," she announced, and got up.

…

After dinner was finished, Derek went upstairs to find Casey in her old room. He shut the door behind him. Casey didn't say a word to him.

"Don't give me the silent treatment, Casey," Derek ordered, coming up to sit close to her and speaking in a low voice. "I don't deserve it."

"It's not as though I called you up and forced you to come back," Casey snapped, finally talking and looking at him. "Why are you even here, Derek?" This last question was not so much irritated as pleading, confused, almost hurt.

"You know why, Casey," Derek responded, leaning in still further. Her blue eyes were slightly wider, and trembling…just as they did when I first kissed her, he thought. "Don't tell me you don't know why I'm here."

"Fine then, I won't tell you," she said, breaking their gaze.

"God Casey, this isn't a joke!" said Derek, his voice louder now. "I'm here because I know that you're making the biggest mistake of your life by marrying him tomorrow."

Casey let out a disbeleiving laugh. "You 'know'? How can you be so arrogant? How can you think you can tell me what to do?"

"It's not just me—I know, but you know too, Casey…or should I call you Catherine Earnshaw?"

………………

August 20th, 2018

"This is as far as we can go together," Casey said softly. It was just her and Derek, and her overnight case, in front of the security checkpoint at Ottawa International.

"No, Casey," Derek replied, taking her shoulders gently, looking straight into her eyes. "I will go with you forever. To the ends of the earth."

Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears now, and their sad beauty was breaking Derek's heart as much as he knew her's was breaking too. He bent to kiss her, deeply, passionately, not caring who saw, both of them knowing this would be their last kiss in a very long time.

"God I'm going to miss you so much," he whispered into her ear, hugging her fiercely. She didn't respond but her hands tightened their grip. Finally, reluctantly, she broke away from him, slightly, so she could breathe.

"I…I'm going to miss my flight if I don't leave now," she told him, wiping at her face with her sleeves. Derek gently cupped her face and brushed off the tear tracks with his thumbs.

"Then miss it," he said urgently, his voice low and intense. "Casey…c'mon. We'll run away together. We can live together for the rest of our lives. No one would have to know."

Fresh tears surged from her eyes, although she gave a shaky laugh. "M-mom and George may be oblivious parents but they would know something was up if we both disappeared," she sniffled.

"I don't care about Nora and George anymore, Casey," said Derek, his hazel eyes the most sincere Casey had ever seen them be. "All I care about is you. And seeing you, and being with you."

"I have to go, Derek…."

Derek let go of her and stepped back. "You're leaving me," he said, the phrase coming out more as a statement than a question. "The whole time we've been here all you've been saying is about how you have to leave!" His eyes were now narrowed in anger. "Have you been using me this whole time?"

"Derek, what are you saying?" Casey demanded, shocked and hurt.

"I was willing to give my life up for you and you…you obviously don't care that much!" said Derek, shaking his head.

"No—Derek—!" Casey tried to interrupt him, unaware of what had caused this sudden one-eighty. "People are looking at us—"

"So that's what you care about, is it?" shouted Derek. "You don't care that my life means nothing without you? That I am nothing?"

"No! Derek, calm down!" Casey yelled.

"No, I won't calm down! I'm done doing whatever you want!" Derek said angrily. "Have a nice flight."

He strode away from her, furious, uncomfortably aware that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life, leaving Casey by herself to sob while passerby looked on.

…

What have I done? Derek questioned himself, slumped outside the airport doors. In a moment of passion he'd allowed anger to cloud his eyes. I'm not angry at you, Casey. God, I hate myself right now. I didn't mean any of it. I swear I didn't, Casey, I just can't bear to lose you.

I wasn't lying to you, Casey. I am nothing without you. My life has no meaning.

I'm so sorry, Casey, so, so, so very sorry.

You're never coming back to me.

I've lost you, my heartbeat, my breath, my sight, my Casey.

Not mine anymore.

Good bye, Casey.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

A/N: So…what do you guys think so far? I hope this isn't too confusing, but if it is I'll give you a more detailed summary. The story starts when Derek and Casey are 28, in 2018, on the eve of Casey's wedding. From there, the middle is a flashback until the last chapter, which is again set in the "present," November 11 2018. As you can see I had my first flashback here, in 2008, when Derek was seeing Casey off as she left for school. Derek's outburst was because he doesn't know how to handle the pain of losing her; it's hurting him so much inside that he wasn't thinking about what he was saying.

But from now on the flashbacks will go in correct chronological order and not backwards like this one; for instance I'll start in 2006 and go forward until 2008, leading up to this last scene, then jump back to the present (future). Hope you all enjoyed!