I hate that bastard. That captivating, mesmerizing, sadistic bastard. Fucking demon! I can't help myself with him. Him and his stupid aesthetic… Never mind the fact that he looks unnaturally handsome and acts charming. He's a demon, so I can forgive him those kinds of things. But he takes everything further. It's not enough for him to dial down on his powers to seem more human. No, he also has to resort to simple human behavior. Body language, developing a human personality to upkeep his character, and then there is his laughter. Honestly? His demonic laugh is easy to deal with, but when he imitates human behavior… God, I hate him!
Sebastian his good at studying humans. He has existed longer than us, obviously he'd seen lots of our kind and gotten to study us through and through. Emitting light laughter during matters that aren't amusing in their nature is a human behavior used to more draw attention and at the same time show that one is interested in the other. He knows these small quirks about the human behavior and psychology. What he does have trouble though is complex emotion and dilemma. His view on things is very one-sided. Sometimes, I even sigh in relief when he shows his basic demonic nature by judging humans in a degrading manner. Why? Because sometimes I am honestly afraid that my demon is developing higher-than-basic emotions.
I don't know how that can possible benefit me, but I know for certain that feelings get in the way of accomplishments. Especially if they are the kind that are hard to achieve. Feelings distract us, that's why I'm raising so many walls between myself and those trying to get close to me. There is nothing for them to gain from being close to me than pain. I don't plan on living past my revenge. My life, however long it will last, is all about achieving vengeance. With me, the Phantomhive family line will end. You can call it selfish but I will never be able to continue it. Why? I am too damaged to give my future family the kind of husband, father, guardian, and teacher they need. And I can't simply close my eyes and be ignorant like other men. They take any wife, produce heirs and push those children onto their wife and tutors. Those children never see their father. More than that, they fear their father. I can't be that way. I am too damaged to give the kind of love I want to give, and not damaged enough to be like all the other ignorant bastards. Besides, the only reason I am alive right now is because of my demon. My health is nowhere good enough for me to live a quality life needed to properly support a family. I will die early anyway, so why suffer and leave my family in God's mercy if I can end my life without subjecting anyone to the pain of losing a loved one? It would be one-sided love anyway… If anyone ever comes to love me, I will not be able to return those feelings sufficiently. This era... This wretched century… it is not the kind in which true love prospers. Even when it does, it does not last. So if I am the last, the only one and doomed to die, then I shall live by my rules, and die by my rules. It is because of all of this that I am afraid for Sebastian to develop any sort of attachments toward me.
If he does… If he begins to genuinely care, if he develops the kind of human feelings that are pure, even anything remotely close to that… Then I am afraid I will have broken a demon. My own death will not be an easy one then, and he will go on to exist in pain. I can't have that. A demon needs to stay a demon, and a human must stay a human. I am food, he is the consumer. Nothing more, nothing less.
Anyway! Back to this bastard and his laughter. Oh, by the way, have I told you that he is a bastard? If not, then let me tell you, he is! Sometimes, his butler aesthetic completely flies out of the window. One moment he is the epitome of well-mannered behavior and the definition of etiquette live in the flesh, and the next he is a snorting, wheezing mess of ugly chuckling! He will not hold himself back from laughter whenever I get into a situation just so that he can embarrass me further. I don't know what other people think, but I bet it is something along the lines of 'oh dear, what an awkward situation!' And then thanks to that idiot it becomes 'oh my, what a highly undisciplined butler he has! To think that such a fine man could behave himself toward his master like that. I suppose he gets by on his looks alone…' Yeah, in those times, I seriously hope they think badly of Sebastian and not of me. I would die to see that hellish son-of-a-bitch's face when he finds out that he had failed his butler aesthetic very miserably.
And yet… Despite all that, I can't help my anger dissipating as soon as it rises in me. When Sebastian laughs… It is such a rare sight. The kind of face he makes, even when it's those meaningless daily chuckles… The way his expression changes when he isn't aware of how he is smiling is probably the most genuine thing I have seen him do after all those times when he lets out his demon form before ridding the world of my enemies. The way he shifts depending on the kind of scoff, laugh, giggle, or snort he emits is special too. He probably isn't even aware that he acts more human than I expect of him. Every time... Every time I just have to stop myself and watch him. It is such a beautiful sight. And it is only after a while that I have become aware that in those times I may be staring for a bit too long. Even to a point where it is noticeable to other people, and no matter how much I try to be more self-aware, Sebastian gets me every time. This is why I hate him. I hate what he does to me. I hate the fact that he is the most charming when he isn't trying to be and I hate him even more because he doesn't even know that about himself. And at the same time, I would not live it down if he found out this quirk about himself, because then he'd definitely be more self-aware and control himself. And then there would be one beautiful thing less in this world.
As much as I hate it, and I would die before ever admitting it to someone, my life would be that much sadder if I were to be deprived of the beautiful music that is Sebastian's laughter. Be it those meaningless laughs, his ugly laughter when he is caught by surprise in a situation that is particularly embarrassing for me, or his dark chuckling when he prevails over my enemies… If I were to lose that sound in my life before I die, perhaps then it would be better to die even earlier. I have already lost enough of things that used to make me happy, now the sight or memory of them only brings pain. If I were to lose something new that gives me happiness, then I wish for this demon to eat my soul in that very moment.