Balanced on the Edge
By Childhood Aspirations
Disclaimer: No. I don't. There are a couple of them thatI wish I could, but... No. I don't.
There's so much at stake here, so much that I don't even want to stop and think about it.
My brother's life balances on the edge of a knife, and if I take one wrong step, that knife will bleed him, steal his life away.
True, my life also balances on this edge, but I haven't thought about my life for some time now.
Heh…that could be because I don't have one anymore…
But there's no reason for Lincoln to know that. For some ridiculous reason, he's worried enough about me as it was. I can't understand this, because it's my job to worry.
I'm his brother. I'm the one who's trying to get him out of prison and an execution because I know for a fact that he didn't commit the murder being pinned on him.
My name is Michael Scofield and I am not just balancing on the edge of losing everything I've worked for.
I also happen to be balancing on the edge of insanity.
I am quite aware of this fact, but it isn't until I'm alone like I am right now that the fact hits me full force, knocking my breath from me, literally.
There's so much at stake here… I don't know if I meant to gamble with my sanity in the beginning, but there comes a point when it's impossible to struggle against the crazed, uncontrollable twist of Fate. At that point, you really have to gamble with something. Sanity is often the thing that ends up in my hand, my ace-in-the-hole, if you will.
Unfortunately, it happens to be an ace that tends to backfire.
For example, there's a strong chance that I will go insane when all this is over. The only thing I can think of to thankful right now is the fact that Lincoln doesn't know that. He would be furious with me if he did.
You know, there's a part of me that's stuck in my childhood, when Linc was my demanding big brother, who bossed me around, but still looked out for me. He would beat up anyone who messed around with me, something that I can appreciate more now that I'm older. The thing that I hated most was when Linc was mad at me. I hated it.
I guess I would hate it if he was mad at me now too, except now I know that it doesn't really matter if Linc's mad. So long as he's not going to the chair, I don't care how mad he gets.
I'm going to save him, no matter what happens.
God…
He doesn't deserve this. Not this, not ever. My brother isn't the best person in the world, but he wouldn't do something like this. Why is it so obvious to only the people who can't do anything about it that Linc's being set up here?
I know the answer to that rhetorical question, of course. It's all for the purpose of political gain, or something akin to it. Power. Everyone wants more power, and once they have more, they realize they're addicted to it. Fear. Everyone's afraid of something.
I'm rambling…
I'm afraid that all my plans are going to fall through and I'm going to have to watch Lincoln die in that chair for a crime he didn't commit.
Oh God…
I truly am going insane.
There's no denying it.
I think it started when I found out what had happened, when I found out that if I had only answered my cell phone when Linc called… Things would have been different. I know they would have been. Veronica and Linc might both try to tell me differently, but I know better than to believe them. They're just trying to make me feel better.
Truthfully, it's my fault that all this happened.
That's why I'm trying to fix out. That's why I'm going to get my brother out if it kills me…which it very well might. That's another probability that I haven't ruled out, and another one that I haven't shared with Linc.
He'd be even madder if he knew.
Lincoln Burrows is one of those people who doesn't want to be indebted to anyone, not even the people they love. Or maybe it isn't that. Maybe he just doesn't want anything to happen to me.
A little late for that, brother…
A sarcastic little smile is apropos at this point…
Having indulged myself, I lift my gaze from the floor and stare at the door. Solitary. The breaker of spirits, the snapper of that slender thread that connects us to all that we hold dear…that is, our sanity, first and foremost…
I can hear the sound of Linc's voice coming up through the pipe in the floor, but I'm ignoring it right now. I can't talk to him. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have anything to say to him.
I know it's making him panic and freak out, but what can I do, honestly?
The whole plan is going down the drain, with Sucre and I both in solitary, and Linc, and the rest of the group sitting in their own cells in the dark, with nothing to do that would help matters at all.
The reason for this is represented by the throbbing pain I feel in my shoulder. A burn, a burn that tore away part of me, another little piece of my sanity, because it took part of the blueprints with it. And now we're doomed.
Did I mention that I'm going a little loony here?
I can feel myself moving, but I'm strangely detached from it all, almost as though I'm ignoring myself.
And then pain. Pain shooting from my knuckles to the rest of my hand, and then up my arm. And again, and again, and again…
It's comforting in a way. In a world where nothing stays the same for longer than an hour and sides are always changing, it is comforting to feel the solidity of this wall beneath my fist and to know that it will always be just this capable of causing me pain.
Can you understand that?
Perhaps you have to be balancing on the edge of insanity too.