A/N: We wrote this back before the back 9 even started, just to put things in perspective...

Basically, we were up at 3 in the morning after watching seven episodes of Glee, and this idea came to us. Based on the idea that Finn doesn't know where babies come from. And also we ripped the first two paragraphs off Franz Kafka.

One morning, as Finn Hudson awoke from anxious dreams, he heard a gentle and constant tapping. Finn's glance then turned to the window. The dreary weather – the raindrops were falling audibly down on the metal window ledge – made him quite melancholy.

It took him a moment to realize that small pebbles were being flung against his window; this was the tapping that had awoken him. Yawning, he cast off his blankets and made his way to the window. He pressed his face up against the glass, his breath fogging the pane. When he looked down, he made out a figure tossing rocks upwards. The figure noticed him, waved, and gestured for him to come outside.

Finn pulled on a bathrobe and descended the stairs. When he threw open his front door, he met with a most unusual sight: his friend Rachel Berry stood on the doorstep, wet from the rain, seething and shaking with something that could have been rage.

"What's going on?" he mumbled, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

Rachel's mournful ocean eyes searched him, begging him to understand. She kept opening and clamping shut her mouth, trying to find a proper way to begin her speech. Finally, she took a deep breath and coughed it out.

"Finn, I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

She nodded, tears forming in her eyes. Finn slowly and awkward brought his arms about her shoulders, pulling her closer. She cried into the soft material of his bathrobe, mumbling something about being lost.

"Geez, Rachel," Finn hummed.

She pulled back, their arms still interlocked, and she looked up into his eyes.

"You're the father."

He reeled back, shocked by her statement. "What? How? This can't be happening!"

She dried her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, nodding sadly. "That day in the auditorium?"

"I don't understand! We were just… kissing. How is that even possible?"

Rachel's body shook with sobs. "I don't know. The doctor said that when you were lying on top of me and you… arrived early, the sperm could have soaked through and…"

"Oh no," Finn said. Tears were beginning to sting his eyes. "What am I going to tell Quinn?"

"Tell her the truth," Rachel said. "You're going to have to."

She squeezed his hand, then left him standing in his own front hall, baffled and cursing his rotten luck. His world became a blur.

"Finn?"

Finn awoke from anxious daydreams and saw the genuinely concerned face of Kurt Hummel only inches from his. They were alone in the choir room.

"What's going on?" Finn asked.

"You seem distracted today," Kurt explained, then hesitantly reached forward and patted Finn's forearm. "I just need you to focus on our rehearsal."

"I've got a lot on my mind," Finn said. "Stuff with the baby… stuff with Rachel…"

Kurt sucked in a deep breath, squeaked a bit, and then started sobbing.

"Kurt, are you okay?"

Kurt shook his head. "No."

Finn sat up, surveying the crying boy before him. "What's wrong?"

Kurt dropped his hands from his face. "I'm pregnant."

"You're a dude! How is that even possible?"

"I don't know!" Kurt shrieked. "I've been having morning sickness for the past couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor, and he ran a pregnancy test, and…"

Kurt threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. "I've got a rare condition or something. I wanted to tell you sooner," he mumbled softly.

Finn's heart stopped. "…why?"

Kurt reached for Finn's hand, stroking it gently. "The baby is yours, Finn."

"You're going to have to explain that one to me," Finn said. He felt like vomiting; this was too much of a shock.

"When we sang Push It in front of the school, and I spanked you. That's how."

"I don't get it!" Finn yelled.

"The doctor thinks slapped you so hard that it just… shot right out, and you somehow impregnated me that way."

Finn took a deep breath, kneading his temples between his fingers.

"I don't know what to do, Finn," Kurt cried. "You're always going to choose Quinn over me."

"Oh, crap," Finn said. He shot a sidelong glance at Kurt. "Rachel's pregnant, too."

Horror fell over Kurt's face. "No," he whispered.

"I have to take care of my family, Kurt," Finn said, and gave the boy a hug. "And the little critter in your stomach, or wherever babies live in pregnant dudes, I don't know… your baby is my family and it needs me."

"Thank you, Finn," Kurt smiled. "I'm glad I told you."

"Sorry, Kurt. I need to go now… I think I'm gonna be sick."

Finn stood up abruptly, moving slowly and shakily towards the door. Kurt stayed behind, pain written all over his face.

"I'm sorry, Finn!" Kurt yelled. "Don't leave me!"

Finn awoke from anxious daydreams in Spanish class, to the insistent tug of Quinn Fabray on his shoulder.

"You really need to stop falling asleep in class," Quinn growled. "You have drool all over your face. Ugh, just look at you!"

She pulled out a napkin out of the pocket of her dress and wiped at the corner of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Quinn. I'm just so tired."

"What kind of a father are you going to be if you can't even stay awake in class?" she hissed.

"Quinn," his voice fell to a low whisper. "Rachel came to my house this morning. She told me she was pregnant – with my baby."

Quinn gasped. "What?"

"And today at lunch, Kurt came to me in the music room and told me that he's pregnant, too, Quinn."

Finn dissolved into sobs. Quinn's jaw hung open.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I'm not!" Finn sobbed. "He has a rare condition or something, and he got pregnant when he slapped me during one of our glee club numbers. And Rachel… I kissed her – once, Quinn, just a stupid little thing – and my sperm soaked into her clothes and…"

"First of all," Quinn hissed. "Boys cannot get pregnant. It is impossible. Kurt doesn't have a uterus."

"A what?" asked Finn.

"And secondly, Rachel could only have gotten pregnant if the two of you had sex, and I really, really hope you didn't."

"Oh," Finn said. Relief sunk in. "So… they were both lying to me?"

Quinn nodded. "I highly doubt they were lying to you, Finn. You just told me that you were with Kurt today at lunch, and it's only first period. You were probably just dreaming."

"Oh…" Finn sighed. "It was just a dream. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense."

Quinn rolled her eyes, groaning at her boyfriend's stupidity.

"So, wait…" Finn said. Realization sank in. "If it's impossible to get a girl pregnant without sex, then what happened to you?"

Quinn's heart stopped beating. "Oh, shi-"