And You Fell
By Maddy
Summary: Why are Buffy and Angel saying their goodbyes?
Rating: PG13 for the angst.
Spoilers: Shanshu.
Timeline: A couple of years after NFA.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. Other important and rich people do (and I'm neither of those grin)
Distribution: If you have any of my other fics, take, if not just ask.
Dedication: To Goddessa39, you wanted me to write more like this, so here it is. Hope you like, sweetie.
Feedback: Yes please, I would love some like always.
Author's Notes: Very angsty, deals with character death and is written in the 2nd person, it's quite fun to write actually.
You try to understand it, why it happened, how it happened. To you, why did this have to happen to you again. Some part of your brain says just because, but you're sick of that reason being used over and over. 'Some things happen for a reason,' well what's this reason? Is it because of him?
It hurts more than you thought it would, more then you wanted it to. Is dying different each time? There is no reason, you tell yourself. He says there is, you don't believe him. You don't want to die again and you don't want him to tell you why you are. Because you're not sure if he is worth it anymore.
Yelling at him isn't helping, crying only makes him cry too. So you start screaming, hoping to scream the pain out of your body. But it tightens the muscles in your stomach, in most of your body, and soon you're screaming because of the pain. He grabs you by the shoulders and yells at you to be quiet. To stop.
You tell him you don't want to stop, you want to live, it isn't fair that you keep dying and being brought back. You've never been given the chance to live, truly live for yourself and not because you were meant to save the world. He tells you that you did live.
For him. He holds your heart and is half your soul. You lived for him once, for the chance to see him, to tell him that you love him, you lived to fight beside him, he was your reason. You can't help but ask yourself: is he still your reason?
Maybe, but it doesn't matter. You're dying, your life's blood is pouring out of your body and no amount of pressure, bandages, tears or pleas is going to change that. It doesn't matter if he was or is your reason for living, he's the reason you're dying.
You tell him it was worth it, there wasn't enough time to stop the demon, but enough time to get in the way. You wish you could be flippant about death, you want to joke about it becoming a trend, but you can't find that last bit of sarcasm inside you.
If this is going to be the last time you're going to die, never to be brought back, you realise that you want him to be the one you die for, it seems fitting. He was one your world, and you're already died for the literal one.
You tell him that you're sorry you're leaving again. He looks so sad, your heart breaks again. You reach out and touch his face, he grabs your wrist gently and kisses you fingers softly. He says that he's sorry too. For what? He didn't say, but you didn't need to know.
You start getting could, you panic and try to cling to him, as though that will keep you here, keep you alive. You reach for his shoulders, you want to pull him closer to you, maybe that will keep you there. He pulls you towards him instead, you use all your strength to stay in his arm.
You want to tell him so much, too much and there isn't enough time for it. You can feel it, your life is running away from you and you can't catch up. a sob escapes your throat and you begin to cry again.
He holds you tighter as your strength runs out. He leans over you as he sets your back onto the ground. You feel your arms begin to slide off his back, panic again fills your soul and you miraculously manage to keep your arms around him.
You're still crying, the reasons why are too many to fit in your head. The main one though, is fear, the fear of him not knowing that you still love him, like you have for the past 10 years and you want him to say it back.
But will he only say it because you're dying? No, you tell herself, he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't stop loving you. Would he? You stop crying suddenly as total fear grabs a hold of you. He must have thought that you died, because he starts yelling you name.
You say his name softly and tell him you're still here. You're amazed you can still speak clearly enough for him to understand. He instinctively tightens his grip and tell you he's not ready for you to leave him yet.
You feel your lips curl up a bit in a smile. He still wants you, maybe he still loves you like he used to. Do you want to risk one final heartbreak? Do you ask him if he still loves you? Do you tell him you still love him?
Yes, to all of the above. It has always been a risk loving him, maybe the riskiest thing you've ever done. Why not ask him? Why not tell him? You and he have been through too much, loved each other so much, to not let him know as you die.
"I love you." He says. Wait, he said it first. He's smiling at you, one of bemusement, like he knew you were going to say it. "I always have and I'll never stop." You know he's telling the truth, you could always tell if he was lying.
You're no longer crying because you're sad. Again, you want to tell him so much, but you know that you neither have enough time or strength to do it. So you tell him that you love him and hope that that's enough. That he'll know everything else you want to say.
"I know." He says to you. Maybe he does know everything else you want to say. you hope so, it would be such a waste. He loves you, and you love him, life was never fair to either of you, but at least you has that, each other and a love that will surpass death yet again.
"I love you, Buffy. I'll try and go on without you, I don't want to. I don't, it'll be too hard. It will hurt too much everyday. I don't want to live without you. You shouldn't have gotten in the way, that sword was meant for me."
You tell him it wasn't. The sword was for you, destiny had put you near Angel so you could save him. He is worth saving, you tell him and also yourself. He was worth all of it. You hope that you're words are enough to comfort him, even though deep down you know it won't help much.
You tell him that you can feel it. He cried out and buries his face in your neck. You can feel his tears hit your skin and his breath also. Yes, life has never been fair to either of you. He says that it's not fair, you agree. But you wouldn't trade a single moment with him, unless it was another.
"Angel…I'll wait for you, but let me wait a while. Heaven is where you are, remember that I will love you no matter where I am. Some things don't change, I will see you again. But live, Angel, like you're meant to. You have a second chance, be human and live. Promise me. Live."
"I promise."
"Good, good." Somewhere inside your mind you knew what was about to happen, that it was going to happen right then. "Angel…" you gasp as your last breath escapes from your body and you feel yourself begin to fall away.
Well, what you do think? Tell me, please, tell me. Wow, that was over-dramatic. Mads