A/N: This is by far the most depressing thing I have ever written, and the most angsty. You have been warned! Also, the title comes from the lyrics of the song "The Scientist" by Coldplay, which I listened to on repeat while writing this.
Warnings: (Wow, I don't usually need these!) Major Character Death, Self Harm, Suicide, Depression and Mentions of Alcoholism.
Come Back and Haunt Me
Months later, Luke Snyder will be unable to fully recall what happened the day that he was told Reid had died. He will remember being in the hospital, sitting in hard backed chairs with two equally hard faced companions. Chris and Katie sit by his side, holding hands when the phone call comes. He'll remember feeling nothing at first; just being numb and then the cold, spreading its icy tendrils throughout his body. He doesn't cry, not then anyway. Katie moves to comfort him, to slip her arm around his shoulders but he pushes her away. Moving away angrily because her touch is too light and feminine, and it feels alien on his skin; it's not Reid. Looking at Chris and feeling the cold change into white hot rage. And the last thing Luke will remember will be lunging at Chris, screaming "Murderer! Murderer!" until a needle is jabbed into his arm and he slips gratefully into unconsciousness.
The funeral is the following week, and Luke's not sure he can handle it, but he goes along anyway. He sits in the front of the church, refuses to touch anybody except when Mr and Mrs Oliver find him to shake his hand. Mr Oliver looks so much like his son that Luke has to run to the bathroom and splash his face with cold water.
"He's dead, dead, dead." He repeats in a desperate whisper, holding back his tears. When the coffin is lowered into the ground, Luke watches as the man he loved – loves – is buried under the earth. And long after everyone else has left, Luke is still kneeling in the dirt that covers his lover's body. From the pocket of the expensive suit he wears, he pulls out the White Queen from Reid's chess set and places it gently by the headstone. But he doesn't cry. He's scared that once he starts, he won't be able to stop.
In his time as an alcoholic, Luke has drunk wine, champagne, beer and various spirits. But he has found that it's the vodka that he craves the most now. The searing burn as it tears its way down his throat, reminding him that he is still alive; the warm weight that seems to settle over his heart minutes later. Luke feels so cold now, so empty and alone. What he wouldn't do for one drop, one little taste… he wants to drown it all out, to stop feeling. But when he picks up his glass, Reid's voice echoes in his mind, back from those precious few weeks that they had together.
"You better take care of that kidney of yours. If I'm going to put myself out there, fall in love with you, I am not going to lose you."
"Bet you never thought I'd lose you instead." Luke chokes out to, throwing down too much money as he flees. His drink is forgotten.
Luke sleeps too little and works too much. Lily is worried about him, but Holden tries to reassure her.
"He's young, Lily. He'll be fine in the end." What he doesn't tell her is that he's even more worried than she is.
Alcohol is addictive, as is gambling and Luke had never been into anonymous sex. He finds his salvation another way, one month after Reid's death. Faith's old razor is falling to pieces; it doesn't take much to wrestle one of the blades free and run it experimentally across his left wrist. Blood breaks free from the tiny cut he has made in beads, filling it and then spilling over. But Luke doesn't care about that. All he can concentrate on is the sweetly agonising pain that wracks his body. For the first time since Reid's death, he feels something other than numbness or coldness or even anger. He feels calm. So he keeps on going, carving crimson lacerations into his own flesh until his wrist resembles a slab of bloody meat.
Long sleeved shirts cover the damage, and when Luke runs out of space on both wrists, he moves onto his stomach, hips and chest. Soon, his transplant scar isn't the only permanent mark on his body. Of course, his family find out in the end. The send him to a counsellor. He only goes once, and he doesn't stop cutting.
Two months after Reid died, Luke goes missing. Everyone is frantic with worry, and half of Oakdale turns out to look for him. But in the end, it's Casey who finds him kneeling in front to Reid's gravestone, exactly the same as on the day of the funeral. At first, Casey thinks that Luke's lips are moving in prayer. As he gets closer, he can see that Luke is speaking through the tears tumbling down his cheeks.
"This is my fault, Reid. If I hadn't dragged you here, forced you to operate on Noah… you'd still be alive. I'm sorry. I miss you so much. I just… I don't…. I don't know how to do this. Everyday, I see something and I turn to you for some sarcastic comment but it never comes. I'm sorry… I love you… sorry… sorry." When Luke trails off, Casey steps forwards. Slipping an arm around Luke, he starts to lead him away.
"Come on, buddy." Casey murmurs. And Luke does.
It's only a few days after that Luke goes too far. He is found in the locked bathroom of Snyder Farm. He is lying in a pool of his own blood, wrists slit. In his limp hand, he holds a Black Queen from an unknown chess set.
Faith doesn't know if Heaven is real, or if Hell exists. But as she watches her brother being lowered into the earth of Oakdale graveyard, she prays for the first time in years. She prays that Luke and Doctor Oliver are together now.
And maybe, just maybe, someone hears her prayers. Because in a green meadow filled with tadpoles and dancing cows, Luke and Reid sit playing chess. They don't where they are, or even if they're real. But Reid knows that Luke's hair is soft when he pulls his fingers through it and that when he hugs Luke close to him he feels solid and warm in his arms. So they sit in their meadow, stroll in the nearby orchard, swim in the pond and play chess.
"Checkmate," Reid says as he looks up, grinning in the crooked way he knows Luke loves.
"I know." Luke replies, just happy that after everything, he and Reid are together at last.