A/N: Despite what the title sheet claims, this story does have a title. It's just that it pushed the ToS a little bit, so I decided not to risk it. Anyhow, have you ever had one of those fanfic ideas that sound funny in your head, but, when you write them down, it's really not as funny as you thought? This is one of them, but I already wrote it out, and it felt like a shame to waste this, so I posted it up. Those of you who know French can probably already guess what happens.
The original version of this story featured the characters singing a specific song, but that was apparently against the ToS, so I've removed them from this version. This version does, however, allude to it, which should be within the rules. Most of you who've heard this song before can probably guess what they're singing. There's also some shout-outs to a few TV shows, books, and fanfics, but I'll be surprised if anybody gets them all. Some are just unfairly obscure.
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Panic! nor any of the works I've slyly or not-so-slyly alluded to. I'm merely using them in this twisted product of my imagination.
Ménage à Trois
From the very instant he woke up, Sousuke knew something was wrong. He opened his eyes a crack and found himself wondering just how long he'd overslept as sunlight forced his eyes closed again. Worse, he was sleeping onhis bed, not under it: he was horribly exposed! For that matter, where was his gun? His knives? He reflexively rolled away from the window, towards the gun hidden in his bedside drawer and the safety of underneath the bed, but his arms were pinned and the throbbing in his head precluded any further efforts. Had an enemy snuck into his room and injected him with some sort of paralyzing agent?
Sousuke opened his eyes again, slowly this time, so he could adjust to the sunlight. No movement from what he could see. The light only made his head hurt more, but he continued to scan the room. For that matter, this didn't look like his room at all. Where did that couch come from? Or that rather suspiciously-located painting? Or that desk? He was pretty sure these weren't his sheets, either. A sudden exhale and shifting of mass caused his head to suddenly twist to the left. Big mistake. The sudden movement only aggravated the throbbing, and Sousuke gritted his teeth as a jolt travelled up his spine.
When the pain finally died down, he turned towards his left once again. His heart skipped a beat as he found himself looking at a veryfamiliar mane of ash blonde hair. He gulped. This was bad. Very, very bad. He began running the entire Mithril personnel manual through his head, taking stock of each and every regulation he'd broken. His count reached a staggering forty-two when another shift in mass, this time to his right, derailed that train of thought.
Turning his head as slowly as humanly possible, both to avoid another painful jolt and because he could live without knowing the identity of the second mass, Sousuke's vision eventually focused on another, equally familiar, mane of hair. A peculiar shade of blue he'd only seen on one person before.
Now, most normal twenty-one year old males, upon waking up and finding an attractive young woman snuggling up to them, would display a reaction akin to, "Yeah! Score!" Upon turning around and discovering a second attractive young woman snuggling up to them, said twenty-one year old male would likely react along the lines of, "Yeah! I'm the man!"
Sergeant Sousuke Sagara was nota normal twenty-year old male. Upon waking up and finding his captain, Teletha "Tessa" Testarossa snuggling up to him, his reaction was more along the lines of, "Crap! I'm so fired!" Upon turning around and finding his classmate Kaname Chidori also snuggling up next to him, his reaction morphed to "Crap! I'm so dead!"
Once he managed to get his heart beating again, Sousuke began contemplating just how he'd get out of this situation. He attempted to wriggle his limbs free, to no avail. Any more wriggling and he'd risk waking one or both of the women next to him, and that was a thought he didn't exactly relish. Closing his eyes, Sousuke mentally began listing all the situations he'd rather be in besides his current one.
Taking on the entire Soviet military with a rusty fork. Go club hopping with Kurz. Infiltrate…
"Ugh…it feels like an Arm Slave landed on my hea…Mr. Sagara?"
Sousuke began sweating profusely as he turned to his left once again, meeting a very confused pair of grey eyes. As he watched, Tessa's face slowly reddened as she gradually took in her current situation. He was pretty sure she'd pass out if any more blood went to her face.
Crap! Think, Sousuke, think! The central heating went out and a freak snowstorm rolled in and we were forced to huddle and share body heat! This is all a mind game put together by our enemies to destroy the bonds of trust! This is…
"Ugh…my head is throbbing. What happened?"
The list of things Sousuke wouldn't do to have a smoke grenade on his person at that exact moment was very, very short.
"Tessa?"
"Kaname-chan?"
Better make that a flash grenade. As he gulped and counted down the last few seconds of his life, Sousuke found memories of the previous night breaking through the hangover-induced haze.
It can be said that Mithril had two specialties: fighting and throwing parties. Generally, the two were directly related: the harder they fought, the harder they partied afterwards. When the crew of the Tuathar de Daananfound out that not only their captain, but Kaname, a frequent visitor to their home port, would be celebrating their birthdays on the same day, they took the justification to throw an even wilder party. It wasn't just any birthday, either, but their twenty-first birthdays, an event momentous enough for the base supply officer to break out a supply of alcohol. Nobody questioned just where he got it from, either.
The sound of music suddenly drew the entire de Daanancrew towards the front of the room. Somebody had dug up an old keyboard and harmonica, and two crewmembers used them to stage an impromptu concert. Several groups of less-than-sober crew members of varied singing ability began singing along to the familiar tune. By huge coincidence, it actually was a Saturday, albeit closer to midnight than nine.
By now, most of the de Daanan's crew was either gone or leaving, most likely on the recommendation of the bar tender. By now, everybody on the base knew what happened the last time somebody drank past their alcohol tolerance. Kurz even had the pictures to prove it. The few singers that remained suddenly stopped with a trio of voices broke out from the back of the room.
The bar tender wore an expression that appeared to say, "I am so fired!" as the entire room shifted their gaze to the back. No doubt Kurz wished he had his camera on hand at the moment, if only to record the sight of a heavily-inebriated Tessa, her normally immaculate uniform askew, swaying side to side with an equally-intoxicated Kaname, with a smiling, and no doubt drunk, Sousuke between the two of them. The last sight proved enough to cause several crewmembers to pass out from shock.
Kaname began singing the next verse in a rather pleasant alto, with Tessa joining in halfway with a haunting soprano. Something about an unmarried novelist and a guy named Davy. By this time, the rest of the crew had recovered from the shock and resumed the song. The crew's attention once again focused on the trio as both Tessa and Kaname turned their gazes inwards towards Sousuke, who had remained quiet the entire time. Surely they didn't expect him to sing?
Most of the remaining crew passed out from a combination of shock and inebriation as a powerful tenor resonated throughout the room.
Nobody noticed as the trio stopped singing. After some whispering amongst themselves, they rose from their seats and, still swaying and singing, made their way out of the room.
For the moment, Sousuke's focus shifted from the incoming pain to figuring out just how much the three of them drank the previous night. It couldn't have been much: their collective ability to hold their alcohol was about on par with Tessa's athletic ability. For that matter, just how did they convince him of all people to drink at all? It was that point in time that he remembered just where he was and once again braced himself for the incoming assault.
When that assault failed to materialize, Sousuke opened his eyes just a crack to find Tessa tracing circles on his shoulder with her fingers. For some reason, he really didn't like that mischievous look in her eyes.
"Hmmm…I don't think Mr. Sagara remembers anything."
Kaname raised an eyebrow before smirking.
"For that matter, I don't think either of us remember very much, either," she replied, playing along.
Sousuke gulped. He had a very bad feeling about where this conversation path was going.
"I think a refresher is in order, don't you, Mr. Sagara?"
It was noon when the three of them were seen again. By now, the rest of the base had recovered enough from the previous night to function with some semblance of normalcy. Most of the cafeteria took little notice as Tessa and Kaname, both unusually energetic and relaxed, walked in, whispering and giggling amongst themselves. Nor did they notice the normally-awake and alert Sousuke stagger in half-conscious. Kurz Weber, however, was not among the "most." He smirked as he spotted Sousuke, undoubtedly guided more by instinct than conscious thought, making his way towards his table.
Kurz wasted no time in grilling Sousuke, starting as soon as the younger man plopped down into a seat, his forehead making contact with the table nearly the next instant. Sheer luck caused him to narrowly avoid a face plan into his dish of mashed potatoes. Kurz leaned forward, a smirk on his face.
"So, Sousuke, how was your night?"
Even Sousuke in his half-awake state could sense the undercurrents of the seemingly-harmless question: "Give me all the juicy details."
What little of an answer Sousuke gave was muffled out by the table, to the blonde's disappointment. Kurz's hawk-like gaze focused on the duo making their way towards the table now. The two settled on either side of the half-unconscious Mithril operative, still carrying on with their conversation. The opportunity was too good for Kurz to pass up, as the sniper subtly leaned towards the two.
"You know, this really complicates things now," the blue-haired girl muttered to her companion.
"It doesn't have to be," the other replied coyly.
Kurz was intrigued by this, and Kaname was as well, judging from her raised eyebrow. Tessa took it as license to continue.
"Did you know," the ash-blonde captain whispered conspiratorially, "that polygamy is technically legal on this island?"
Kurz dropped his fork, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide.
"Lucky bas-," he was cut off by a paper fan suddenly making contact with his face.
Sousuke looked ready to cry.
A/N: *pulls on flameproof suit* Yeah. I know this would never happen in the series. Is it somewhat offensive? Perhaps. Are all the characters OOC? Most definitely. Was this fun to write? You betcha. Please leave a review. *pulls out a stick and bag of marshmellows in anticipation of the flames*
A/N: Also, because I did bring it up at the beginning, here's a score sheet of all works that I made a shout-out to in this fic. How many did you get?
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Book)
Stargate Atlantis (TV Show)
LivingContradictory (Fanfic)
Piano Man (Song)
Warhammer 40k (Books)
Just to reiterate, I don't own any of these works. They're all the property of their respective owners.